My DS cheated on his girlfriend in my home

[ErsBears]

Hi, so DH and I were away staying with friends over new year, DS’s girlfriend had gone back to her home country to see her family and DS couldn’t as he had to work so I asked if he would be okay staying at ours to watch the dog, he said sure.
DH and I came home early as one of our friends has fallen ill and wanted some space, we went for dinner first then got a train and cab home at about 11:30pm. I didn’t pre warn DS as I didn’t really see the need to. When we got home he was in his room so I didn’t bother him but then DH realised we had no milk, nothing for breakfast and DH had a headache so needed some paracetamol. We have a 24 hour shop within driving distance and both DH and I had been drinking so I went to ask DS if he would mind popping out. I could see his light was on and hear the tv so knew he was awake. When I knocked on the door the first thing I heard was a girls voice saying “is that your mum”. He came the door in his boxers and asked why we were back early, I explained he told me he’d been drinking so couldn’t. Fine. I asked if his girlfriend was back early (I knew it wasn’t her as his girlfriend has a very identifying accent and it was clearly an English accent I heard).

Anyway he admitted he had someone else over, I told him that she had to leave, he booked her a cab and she left. I made it clear to him that either he tells his girlfriend tomorrow or as soon as she is back or I will tell her, I do not condone cheating. He tried to tell me he didn’t sleep with her but when I pointed out he was only in boxers he admitted he was lying. He said he would tell her but they have a holiday booked for next week (she gets back on Sunday, they fly out on Monday).

For context he’s 28, his girlfriend is 25 and they’ve been together for 2 years, they don’t live together but she owns a flat and he was meant to be moving in this year.

AIBU to be bloody raging and so disappointed that this is the man I raised? I am disgusted that he cheated and I think he needs to tell her before the holiday. We are meant to be picking them up on Monday morning to take them to the airport as it’s an early flight. I don’t think I can sit with her in the car and send her off on holiday with him knowing what he has done!

I think this is probably the best thing to do. While I think she should know, I think I've been swayed by pp's and have to agree that maybe you can't go against your own son. But you can remove yourself entirely from the equation. One thing that can't happen is him moving into her flat. That's beyond cruel on the girl to have him in her own space like that not knowing what he's really like.

Even if your husband cheated on you at his mother’s house and she knew about it and didn’t do anything at all, including telling him she was disappointed in him?! I’d be rightfully angry at my mother in law in such circumstances. Obviously I’d also be very angry with husband. It’s possible to be angry with 2 people at once when both are culpable.

This although I understand what a horrible position the OP is in.

Real dilemma. I totally understand your feelings and I'd feel the same way.
I dont think you can tell her, but you can pressure him to tell her. It's appalling behaviour.

OP you have acted exactly like DH and I would have done with my 2 adult sons. I do believe if he fully loves his gf, the thought of a dating app wouldn’t have entered his mind.

You sound unbearable, sorry OP. He’s a grown man. Not your baby boy anymore.

There is never a "good reason" to cheat. I'm appealed at all the women defending cheating in this thread. Relationships don't always work, that's very true but the only way out of that is to honestly and honourably break up before seeking other women.
There is absolutely no excuse to cheating!

🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ how about blaming the son instead of the OP who has done nothing wrong??

thank god. The sane people who went to bed last night and slept have now awoken and brought some moral perspective to this thread.
The poisonous, intellectually challenged posters really come out at night on mumsnet.
Sadly the OP is prob now asleep herself after the drama, so won’t see that the tide has dramatically turned to support her.

Must be great to have never made a mistake in your youth OP.

Excellent news OP. A clear example that you can have and hold your children to higher expectations and they can meet them.

you gave him the opportunity to be better and he has chosen it. Parenting doesn’t just stop when they turn 18

Gobsmacked by the number of posters telling OP to look the other way.

I have a son. If he did this, I would be mortified and so disappointed in him. This was not a drunken misjudgment - it was calculated and deliberate. He decided to cheat on his girlfriend, and he did. He has treated her with utter contempt, and it would be very hard not to be devastated at finding your own son capable of this.

I have no idea what I would do in your situation, OP, but I'd be very upset and angry too.

Omg the hypocrisy on this site is insane! If this was a woman posting that she had caught her dh in bed with another woman the replies would be furious for her ! But because it’s someone’s precious son now op should keep out and keep it quiet ? Shameful. Well done op for having some morals.

some of you clearly think so little of your adult children that you don’t even expect them to have better morals than a gutter rat.

you should think more of them and maybe they’ll surprise you.

What a charmer. When he inevitably doesn’t tell his girlfriend what’s happened but does spin her a yarn about why you can’t take them to the airport, no doubt he’s going to expect her to cough up for at least half the expensive taxi they’ll now need too. He sounds completely repulsive OP and I’d be telling him so. I think I’d actually be more furious about the bringing this girl (who I agree with PP could well be a sex worker, but even if she isn’t) to your house while dog sitting, then having the cheek to be annoyed about you arriving early to your own home, and about having to pay for ten minutes worth of taxi time to ensure a woman he was happy to have unprotected sex with minutes previously got home safely. Complete disrespect, actually outright contempt for you, the new girl and his partner. I’m sure we can all imagine the sort of content he’s consuming online.

Your reaction to this shows you have morals.
Sadly, not everyone on here does. Ignore those comments. I doubt those women would like to find out some day that their men cheated and people kept it a secret.

Hopefully this can be a lesson for your DS to never do it again.

In no sense has he ‘chosen to be better’ as things stand. He still could (though I doubt it), but he hasn’t yet.

I wouldn't tell her but I also wouldn't give them a lift to the airport. He can work out how to explain why. I couldn't continue with the pretense that all was good.

I'm with you OP and you've had a hard time from some posters on here. Your son may be an adult, but he needs to learn that's not how you treat someone you supposedly love. He can't love her enough if he was tempted to download a dating app in her absence and follow through with a date. He should be exploring why he felt the need to do that.

I'd be asserting that he cannot bring his GF back to your house until she's been informed as you will not lie by omission. Also refuse that lift to the airport until he's told her. The poor girl needs to know what her BF has been up to so that she can protect herself from STDs. She may also decide she doesn't want a cheater moving into her flat. This could be the end of their relationship, but your son will learn the hard way how not to treat people.

To me the almost bigger or underlying issue is that this all sounds quite immature for 28. He is still living with his parents, getting lifts to airports etc. By that age I’d lived in around 3 different flat shares and if I needed to go to the airport or for that matter do anything that may have showed questionable morals I did it with my own time, money and space and certainly didn’t bother my parents with it. This is how you grow and learn. I hold my hand up in my earlier relationships I was both victim and instigator of things going wrong. But I grew and learned both about others and myself and am now happily married for over 10 years. Your son needs to grow up, move out (not just into a girlfriends house - he’s clearly not ready of mature enough for that level of commitment) and do some reflecting. It’s important to guide our children, and I get why you are angry and disappointed. But he either lives at his parents where you’re going to be indirectly involved regardless if that’s where he comes home with partners, or he moves out and finds his way himself. As to telling his girlfriend- his decision when and he absolutely should tell her but I would not be giving any lifts anywhere or be able to have her round in the meantime. My bigger concern if this was my son would be is he unhappy and this is how it’s manifesting (sometimes people are more susceptible to make bad or irresponsible choices when they don’t feel happy or are not in a good place) because I read this as if you were talking about an 18 year old initially.

Agree with you completely, OP.

His deceit isn’t yours, and it’s totally unfair to put someone in the position of having to lie by omission to someone.

For all the threads you read on here from women who are blindsided by their partner cheating, it’s good to see someone stand up to a man who thinks he can have his cake and eat it.

I can't believe some of the comments. OP is trying to support the female. To guide her son into doing the right thing. To install behaviours. Good on you.

No wonder this sure is so full of posters which accept poor standards.

He needs to move out.

I think it’s one thing to counsel your son about his choices and another to blackmail him into telling his girlfriend something he doesn’t want to tell her.

I think you have massively damaged your relationship with your son. It’s none of your business if he sleeps with other people. I’d be annoyed he’d brought a stranger into your house though.

Keep out of other people’s relationships.