My DS cheated on his girlfriend in my home

[ErsBears]

Hi, so DH and I were away staying with friends over new year, DS’s girlfriend had gone back to her home country to see her family and DS couldn’t as he had to work so I asked if he would be okay staying at ours to watch the dog, he said sure.
DH and I came home early as one of our friends has fallen ill and wanted some space, we went for dinner first then got a train and cab home at about 11:30pm. I didn’t pre warn DS as I didn’t really see the need to. When we got home he was in his room so I didn’t bother him but then DH realised we had no milk, nothing for breakfast and DH had a headache so needed some paracetamol. We have a 24 hour shop within driving distance and both DH and I had been drinking so I went to ask DS if he would mind popping out. I could see his light was on and hear the tv so knew he was awake. When I knocked on the door the first thing I heard was a girls voice saying “is that your mum”. He came the door in his boxers and asked why we were back early, I explained he told me he’d been drinking so couldn’t. Fine. I asked if his girlfriend was back early (I knew it wasn’t her as his girlfriend has a very identifying accent and it was clearly an English accent I heard).

Anyway he admitted he had someone else over, I told him that she had to leave, he booked her a cab and she left. I made it clear to him that either he tells his girlfriend tomorrow or as soon as she is back or I will tell her, I do not condone cheating. He tried to tell me he didn’t sleep with her but when I pointed out he was only in boxers he admitted he was lying. He said he would tell her but they have a holiday booked for next week (she gets back on Sunday, they fly out on Monday).

For context he’s 28, his girlfriend is 25 and they’ve been together for 2 years, they don’t live together but she owns a flat and he was meant to be moving in this year.

AIBU to be bloody raging and so disappointed that this is the man I raised? I am disgusted that he cheated and I think he needs to tell her before the holiday. We are meant to be picking them up on Monday morning to take them to the airport as it’s an early flight. I don’t think I can sit with her in the car and send her off on holiday with him knowing what he has done!

OP, I am totally with you on this. I think you are a fantastic parent to have high moral standards for your son.

Those people on here who are defending him would think differently if it was their daughter who had been cheated on!

This thread is a testament to why so many men get away with terrible behaviour. If I found out any of my friends were being cheated on by their partners/spouses I absolutely would tell them what I knew, had witnessed or heard. But people have a double standard when the cheater is connected to them.

I don't have an adult son but h have brothers who are married to women I love and respect and if I had was in the position OP is I would absolutely tell them if my brothers didn't.

I would feel exactly the same as you OP.

some of the comments here are shockingly awful - making excuses for him, victimising him and blaming OP.

its clear that he’s the one who is accountable not OP.

I think you are over invested.

I would have asked DS what was he thinking and whether he was less committed to GF than I had imagined.

No way would I tell her.

It's scumbag behaviour and should not be tolerated.

My cousin was cheated on by her longterm bf. The guy's sister found out - he refused to tell my cousin, or finish it. The sister phoned my cousin and told her. It was greatly appreciated and potentially saved years of misery as they were also planning to move in together.

Maybe other people feel differently, but when it happened to me I did feel incredibly humiliated. I was in no way suggesting she should feel humiliated, I was just empathising.

He did it because he could! Plenty of men out there happily keep a number one wife/partner at home, one they may even genuinely love, and also dip their wick into as many other women as they can every time they get the chance, as MN knows very well.

How much earlier did you return?
You said there was no milk, for example. Why did you not message your son and tell him you were coming home earlier than planned and to check there was enough milk etc.
Had he been at his own place, you would have been none the wiser, as he was doing you a favour, I think you were unreasonable not to inform him of the change of plans.
Quite honestly, if you feel you need to police the behaviour of a 28 year old, you may not have brought him up right in the first place.

I agree OP. I think you are doing the right thing. I suspect this is not a one off thing either.

This thread is awful. It is her son ffs sake and he brought a stranger to her home for a quick fuck so his girlfriend wouldn't find out. He is showing he has no morals whatsoever and OP is appalled as she didn't raise him to be a cheater. Her son is blatantly disrespecting women and OP is mad as she should be. I would absolutely demand he tell his girlfriend.

It is absolutely disgusting how many women are absolving him of cheating and saying it is not her business. Now we know where all these sons come from who are cheating on their wives. It's the good women of mumsnet who won't dare say a poor thing to their poor little boy who had reasons for cheating and it's all the big bad woman's fault. This is sickening.

He's a 28 year old man. A full blown adult, and his behaviour is in no way the fault of his mother. Way to infantilise and always find a way to blame a woman for a man's behaviour. It wouldn't occur to me to 'warn' my adult child that I was on my way home, why on earth would it? What would you be expecting them to be doing?

When you raise someone you advise and guide them. You don't force a grown adult into a corner.

While I agree I would be equally angry. I wouldn't be ultimating him and threatening to tell gf yourself.
I would however be having a conversation to get to the root to see why he did it and why he thought it was OK and advise and guide him into seeing himself how it is wrong as to not wanting to do it again.

Full blown indeed

Honestly thank god for mums like OP. I think what those saying “it’s not your business” are forgetting is that this will shape that girl’s life now. Her ability to trust anyone, her self esteem and self worth. Maybe she will forgive him but that is her choice.

Instead, this girl may think everything is fine. He probably told her he “fell asleep” so she wouldn’t know. She will take pictures of the holiday and share them with friends, some who may know of his infidelity - the humiliation!

So again, thank you OP for having morals.

He made it your business by doing it in your house and making you complicit in his lying. I definitely wouldn’t be giving them a lift or playing happy families until he’d come clean we other. Good for you Op.

If you don’t want your mum involved in your relationship, pay for a hotel rather than using her place as a shag pad when you cheat. It’s bad enough to be cheating but doing it under your parent’s roof and expecting them to lie for you to your serious partner is just another layer of disrespect.

He made it your business when he deliberately used your house to cheat in! And it wasn't a mistake- he went on dating apps looking for someone to cheat with. His behaviour is disgraceful and he needs to cancel the holiday and give his poor girlfriend all the information now.

I’ve got two adult sons and i absolutely would not be complicit in this.

I would be furious at them for cheating on their girlfriends in the first place because they’ve been brought up to be better than that. Secondly, I’d tell them that if they didn’t tell her by a certain date then I definitely would. I would not be able to play happy families and pretend nothing was wrong knowing this had happened but she was none the wiser.

This poor woman has a right to know what type of man she is in a relationship with.

But he knows it is wrong- he just doesn't care. He thought he could get away with it and still wants to.

Maybe people are getting carried away by the word 'son' as if it absolves him of moral responsibility or he is young. But every cheating man is a son to someone, would you say they all just need a gentle word? This is an adult not a teenager. By now he should understand there is a consequence to his actions.

I don’t think you ever really stop raising your children. I have an adult relative who is a disaster around women and it would be so powerful if his parents ever said they were disappointed with him over it. But they never do, they find a way to blame the women and he’s on to the next relationship where he also thinks they’re lucky to have him and cheats again.

Model how he should behave and perhaps he’ll have a healthy relationship in the future. Your DH’s reaction is particularly important here.

Really surprised to see all the replies excusing this behaviour and telling the OP to stick by her son etc.

Boys and men need to held accountable for their behaviour and treatment towards women not excused and pandered to.

I'm not surprised at people saying to keep your nose out, although I disagree, but I'm shocked at the number basically excusing the cheating as "well, maybe the relationship isn't working out". WTF?

These aren't 18/19 year old who haven't really figured out what they are doing (not saying that would be ok), these are mid- and late-20s adults! There will have absolutely been women in this age group on here having been cheated on where posters will rip the cheating man to peices, but because he is OPs son it's "oh there's two sides to every story"?? And he's happy to shag around as soon as given a viable opportunity, despite going on holiday with his GF and planning to move in with her to her home?!

Good on you OP for showing your son in no uncertain terms that this is unacceptable behaviour.

He's 28. He's left home. He's been with his girlfriend for 2 years. He lives with two people who are friends with his girlfriend. He chose to download a dating app and meet someone for sex at his parents house. He didn't do it at his own home because he knew what he was doing was wrong. He did it because he fancied a bit of no strings attached sex and thought he could get away with it. There really is no need to search for a deeper meaning.

He has forced the OP into a corner by making her complicit in his infidelity. If he'd booked a hotel she would not have known.

At what age do you think someone becomes responsible for their choices and actions?

If you discovered your DIL was cheating on your son, would you get “directly involved” and tell your son? Presumably yes?

Would you tell your sister if you discovered her husband was cheating?

Your mum? Your aunt? Your friend? Where is the line where the need to not get involved kicks in?

This “oh you can’t possibly get involved” stuff is so transparently fake. PPs just don’t think a son’s girlfriend is important enough to care about

A friend of mine contracted herpes from a cheater in her early 20s (herpes is very common and is not stopped by condoms btw!). She’s had nearly a decade of heartache and misery due to it now, it’s really dreadfully impacted her romantic life as whenever she tells potential partners (and because she has strong morals, she could never not tell them) they quite predictable scarper. I could never risk inflicting her pain on anyone.