Page 10 | My DS cheated on his girlfriend in my home

ErsBears · 2026-01-03T02:44:05+00:00

Hi, so DH and I were away staying with friends over new year, DS’s girlfriend had gone back to her home country to see her family and DS couldn’t as he had to work so I asked if he would be okay staying at ours to watch the dog, he said sure. DH and I came home early as one of our friends has fallen ill and wanted some space, we went for dinner first then got a train and cab home at about 11:30pm. I didn’t pre warn DS as I didn’t really see the need to. When we got home he was in his room so I didn’t bother him but then DH realised we had no milk, nothing for breakfast and DH had a headache so needed some paracetamol. We have a 24 hour shop within driving distance and both DH and I had been drinking so I went to ask DS if he would mind popping out. I could see his light was on and hear the tv so knew he was awake. When I knocked on the door the first thing I heard was a girls voice saying “is that your mum”. He came the door in his boxers and asked why we were back early, I explained he told me he’d been drinking so couldn’t. Fine. I asked if his girlfriend was back early (I knew it wasn’t her as his girlfriend has a very identifying accent and it was clearly an English accent I heard). Anyway he admitted he had someone else over, I told him that she had to leave, he booked her a cab and she left. I made it clear to him that either he tells his girlfriend tomorrow or as soon as she is back or I will tell her, I do not condone cheating. He tried to tell me he didn’t sleep with her but when I pointed out he was only in boxers he admitted he was lying. He said he would tell her but they have a holiday booked for next week (she gets back on Sunday, they fly out on Monday). For context he’s 28, his girlfriend is 25 and they’ve been together for 2 years, they don’t live together but she owns a flat and he was meant to be moving in this year. AIBU to be bloody raging and so disappointed that this is the man I raised? I am disgusted that he cheated and I think he needs to tell her before the holiday. We are meant to be picking them up on Monday morning to take them to the airport as it’s an early flight. I don’t think I can sit with her in the car and send her off on holiday with him knowing what he has done!

Andepeda · 03/01/2026 08:11

LemonViewer · 03/01/2026 08:06

To me the almost bigger or underlying issue is that this all sounds quite immature for 28. He is still living with his parents, getting lifts to airports etc. By that age I’d lived in around 3 different flat shares and if I needed to go to the airport or for that matter do anything that may have showed questionable morals I did it with my own time, money and space and certainly didn’t bother my parents with it. This is how you grow and learn. I hold my hand up in my earlier relationships I was both victim and instigator of things going wrong. But I grew and learned both about others and myself and am now happily married for over 10 years. Your son needs to grow up, move out (not just into a girlfriends house - he’s clearly not ready of mature enough for that level of commitment) and do some reflecting. It’s important to guide our children, and I get why you are angry and disappointed. But he either lives at his parents where you’re going to be indirectly involved regardless if that’s where he comes home with partners, or he moves out and finds his way himself. As to telling his girlfriend- his decision when and he absolutely should tell her but I would not be giving any lifts anywhere or be able to have her round in the meantime. My bigger concern if this was my son would be is he unhappy and this is how it’s manifesting (sometimes people are more susceptible to make bad or irresponsible choices when they don’t feel happy or are not in a good place) because I read this as if you were talking about an 18 year old initially.

He doesn't live with his parents.

summitfever · 03/01/2026 08:13

Well done op, my exs mum defends him like a QC, his mum and dad could have saved me and my children years of misery by being honest.

ilovelasagne · 03/01/2026 08:15

OP, I’d feel the same way. I find the AIBU threads on here bring out crazily harsh comments, I’d recommend posting on a different thread, maybe the relationships one. I’d feel gutted if either of my two boys did that at that age.

I would have told the other girl to leave too. You called her a cab, that’s a safe option. She would have had to call a cab to get home anyway. I don’t understand the people saying that was unsafe. You didn’t chuck her out in her underwear. I’m glad your son has agreed to tell the girlfriend before holiday. He has to see how shocked and displeased you are so he understands the gravity of what’s he’s done. Especially if he and his gf are about to live together. If he sees it’s easy to cheat and get away with it, he’ll likely stay in that mindset and do it again. I would urge him to tell her himself (telling her would put you in a tricky situation but I can understand you wanting to!) and if he doesn’t, refuse to be taxi to the airport and tell him you’ll have no option but to insist he doesn’t bring her to yours until he’s told her. That way you aren’t in the middle and he would have explaining to do either way.

The world is a small place and the likelihood is the GF will find out at some point, and for her to find out you knew but didn’t act would probably be another blow to her. Plus, it doesn’t matter how old your kids are, they still have to see that poor actions have consequences. Otherwise we breed shitty adults. I would talk to your son and make sure he understands what it would feel like for his gf. Try to put him in her shoes. What if he found out she had done that and her family knew and did nothing? Get him to put his head there. Maybe imagining the shoes being on the other foot would help.

Good on you for continuing to aiming to raise your son right, our jobs don’t stop just because our kids get past 21. We learn lessons the whole way though life, and we can still be there to guide them no matter the age.

DS (13) said to me the other day that he’s realised that adults don’t always get it right. It dawned on him that just because you’re a certain age, it doesn’t mean you are automatically someone to be emulated. My point is, it’s forgotten sometimes that adults who get it wrong are probably kids who got it wrong but never learned. So kudos to you for still helping your son learn.

As heartbreaking for her as it will be, if the relationship isn’t quite right (and it can’t be for your DS to download an app and then act on it.. it wasn’t a drunken one night stand, he was of sound mind and had time to rethink at several points) then at least she’ll know and can move on. And your son will learn a hard lesson too hopefully. Everyone makes mistakes but I think the key is to keep learning that mistakes bring consequences and entitlement is then kept in check. Hope it works out ok

Factsoverfiction · 03/01/2026 08:15

To the people saying myob or stay out of it, is this just about protecting a son or would you feel the same if you discovered your daughter/sister/friend being cheated on? Your daughter is about to move a bf into her flat when you discover he’s cheating … you still thinking it isn’t your place to say anything?

Some poor examples of parenting on here. It’s little wonder (some 🙄) men feel they can treat women badly. Their own mothers condone it.

RhaenysRocks · 03/01/2026 08:17

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 03/01/2026 07:53

Must be great to have never made a mistake in your youth OP.

He's 28!!!! He deliberately went on dating apps at a point when he had access to an empty house and is in a committed relationship with a woman who probably has some hopes that this may be their future life partner. This is not a pair of teenagers or uni students and a drunken night out. Christ!

How about this as an OP...I'm mid 20s and while I was away by boyfriend of two years went on a dating app and used his mum's house to cheat. We went on holiday straight after and then he moved in and are planning a future together. I found the app on his phone and confronted him. Now I've found out his mum knew all this time. Obviously I've dumped him but AIBU to be angry that she let me be exposed to STDs as well as possible future cheating? Should she have told me? I bet the answers would be different.

Globules · 03/01/2026 08:17

ErsBears · 03/01/2026 06:32

My son came down the stairs early, I hadn’t really slept.
He apologised for bringing someone back here, I told him that while it’s entirely inappropriate to bring a stranger back to a home he doesn’t live in my concerns lie with his girlfriend right now.
I didn’t ask why he did it but he took it upon himself to share that he downloaded the dating up in the morning and he wasn’t actually expecting anything to happen, I asserted that’s beside the point.
I told him he really has to tell his girlfriend as he’s taking away her right to have informed consent, and putting her at risk of STDs. He admitted he hadn’t thought of that but he doesn’t want to tell her as he does love her and doesn’t want to lose her, I made it clear that it was a bit to late for that now and he has to tell her.

He has told me he will tell her before the holiday.

Lets hope he holds to this then.

What a horrid position he's put you in OP.

I agree with you - I couldn't lie by omission. Your son has known you long enough to know that you aren't a liar and shouldn't expect you to change now because he's cheated.

Have you thought what you're going to do if he backs off telling her before Monday?

(And what on earth was he thinking even downloading a dating app just because his girlfriend was away? Let alone sleeping with someone he'd met online that morning. Something doesn't add up there to me. But it's irrelevant)

Caiti19 · 03/01/2026 08:17

I understand your feelings. After 2 years, you have a friendship with her, and playing along seems very deceitful.

I really hope he responds to your pressure to tell her. I also wonder if this is really his first time cheating on her or if this is what he often does while she's away. He does not deserve to move into her home. That's a step towards marriage and children. I understand young people can be confused and relationship stuff messy. I was there myself at 18/19. At 28 though? That smells like opportunism.

ilovelasagne · 03/01/2026 08:18

RhaenysRocks · 03/01/2026 08:17

He's 28!!!! He deliberately went on dating apps at a point when he had access to an empty house and is in a committed relationship with a woman who probably has some hopes that this may be their future life partner. This is not a pair of teenagers or uni students and a drunken night out. Christ!

How about this as an OP...I'm mid 20s and while I was away by boyfriend of two years went on a dating app and used his mum's house to cheat. We went on holiday straight after and then he moved in and are planning a future together. I found the app on his phone and confronted him. Now I've found out his mum knew all this time. Obviously I've dumped him but AIBU to be angry that she let me be exposed to STDs as well as possible future cheating? Should she have told me? I bet the answers would be different.

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This ^^

Hollyleaves · 03/01/2026 08:22

ErsBears · 03/01/2026 03:08

For those saying I shouldn’t tell her if he doesn’t, what am I supposed to do if he simply never tells her? Just keep acting as though I don’t know something that could devastate her? Lie by omission every time I see her?
I don’t even know if I am capable of that. If he was so worried about her finding out that he didn’t want to tell her then he probably shouldn’t have cheated in the first place and certainly not in his parents home!

I would be making it clear HE NEEDS too and going against most other people I would be telling him….. that I WOULD and it will be a million times better for him to tell her - then his mother! I would hope that I wouldn’t have to. And also making it clear that as shitty as he is and has been it is much better he tell her whilst she is with her friends and family for support.

Not getting her to come back over here (she’s abroad yes with family?) and then tell her. Tell her over a video call and let her decide what to do. He needs to tell her now before she leaves and she absolutely needs to know before she goes on holiday. She needs to know before she heads to his house she needs to be with her friends and family when she finds out for her support.

And yes there are lines if one of my children did this / that’s a huge line and I would be saying - right Chris you did this, you need to phone and video call with her right now and tell him and not lie. Stop lying. Be decent because you haven’t been so far.

HoppityBun · 03/01/2026 08:22

LemonViewer · 03/01/2026 08:06

To me the almost bigger or underlying issue is that this all sounds quite immature for 28. He is still living with his parents, getting lifts to airports etc. By that age I’d lived in around 3 different flat shares and if I needed to go to the airport or for that matter do anything that may have showed questionable morals I did it with my own time, money and space and certainly didn’t bother my parents with it. This is how you grow and learn. I hold my hand up in my earlier relationships I was both victim and instigator of things going wrong. But I grew and learned both about others and myself and am now happily married for over 10 years. Your son needs to grow up, move out (not just into a girlfriends house - he’s clearly not ready of mature enough for that level of commitment) and do some reflecting. It’s important to guide our children, and I get why you are angry and disappointed. But he either lives at his parents where you’re going to be indirectly involved regardless if that’s where he comes home with partners, or he moves out and finds his way himself. As to telling his girlfriend- his decision when and he absolutely should tell her but I would not be giving any lifts anywhere or be able to have her round in the meantime. My bigger concern if this was my son would be is he unhappy and this is how it’s manifesting (sometimes people are more susceptible to make bad or irresponsible choices when they don’t feel happy or are not in a good place) because I read this as if you were talking about an 18 year old initially.

First second and third lines of the OP DS’s girlfriend had gone back to her home country to see her family and DS couldn’t as he had to work so I asked if he would be okay staying at ours to watch the dog

MiddleParking · 03/01/2026 08:23

Even if she ultimately doesn’t want to, OP needs to keep the threat of telling her on the table because her son is a lying, opportunistic, cowardly misogynist who has no inclination to do so of his own volition.

Namechangerage · 03/01/2026 08:25

FOJN · 03/01/2026 06:39

I'm heartened that the poll is in your favour OP but this thread has given me insight into why some men think they can get away with behaving as they do; they know there will always be one woman who will make excuses for them and never expect them to be accountable for their actions - mummy.

You are right that your son should have ended the relationship if he wasn't happy rather than cheating, there are no acceptable excuses. People are messy but it doesn't mean you are obliged to participate in covering up for them. I'd stick to your guns, he's much more likely to tell his girlfriend what he has done if he thinks you will do it if he doesn't and she absolutely has a right to know she's not in a sexually exclusive relationship.

Hopefully he can learn from this before he contemplates a lifetime commitment and children with someone.

Right?! I cannot actually believe it…

Citrusbergamia · 03/01/2026 08:25

GreenGodiva · 03/01/2026 06:52

I’d be gutted too op. Is not JUST the cheating it’s the circumstances. This isn’t just a very spontaneous “well I met her at a v pub and I’d had a few and wtf have I done”. He’s gone out of his way to download a dating app, at your house where he knew it was completely private, then basically bussed in a hole to fuck without a thought for his GF and then had the audacity to complain about paying for a taxi for the body he just shagged.

id be feeling unwittingly complicit and weirdly responsible and pretty ashamed of my adult child too.

Agree! Bloody disgusting behaviour from him. That was no 'accident', that was a pre-meditated action that he chose to do.

OP, I'd be so disappointed in my DS, too. Just gutted to know he thinks he can treat women with such a 'throw away' view of them. And you thought you'd raised him with appropriate morals and respect...which I'm sure you did but he clearly feels those morals and respect levels don't apply to him.

My DB did same to his gfriend (more than once). My DP's didn't have same reaction as you...they were indifferent so it's good to see that you are, quite rightly telling him just how out of order he's been. Urgh, and I bet his gfriend thinks he's 'one of the good ones' too...😬

mydogisthebest · 03/01/2026 08:25

Jenpen31 · 03/01/2026 03:13

I'd have a chat with him and ask him why he has done it.....you may find he isnt happy with this girlfriend or having doubts. Their relationship may not be all it seems. He is your son at the end of the day....he should be your priority. There must be a good reason as to why he has done it. There could be more to it.....

Good reason for cheating!! Good grief I can't believe posters are defending the son. He cheated on his girlfriend. That is despicable and if he were my son I would be deeply ashamed and wonder where I had gone wrong that he had no morals

Probablyshouldntsay · 03/01/2026 08:25

Yanbu. Incredibly disrespectful to use your home as well. I would be absolutely furious.fingers crossed he does the right thing and tells his poor girlfriend

Namechangetheyarewatching · 03/01/2026 08:25

Omg, all the "mind your own business" and "don't tell the GF" is why men's bar is so low and they get away with so much shit.

Good for you OP for making him tell his GF, she deserves to know.

If he didn't want to get caught and "loves his GF", -although it's probably because he's paid towards a holiday he was looking forward to-, he probably shouldn't have downloaded a dating app and slept with another woman.

I hope his GF becomes his ex GF and lives a happy life and he learns a life lesson...

TheFairyCaravan · 03/01/2026 08:26

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 03/01/2026 07:53

Must be great to have never made a mistake in your youth OP.

Youth? Jesus Christ! He’s 28 fgs, a fully grown arsed man.

Daleksatemyshed · 03/01/2026 08:26

The double standards on this thread are an eye opener, all these DM who'd go mad if someone cheated on their daughter but when it's their DS cheating they have a dozen excuses for him. It's no wonder the DIL /MIL relationship is famously fraught .
You'll be a lovely MIL @ErsBears , well done on having a real morale compass

MNLurker1345 · 03/01/2026 08:26

I am so shocked that PPs are saying that OP should not do anything. Where are your morals?

As OP says, she is shocked that her DS could do such a thing.

Put yourself in DSs girlfriends position. How awful, to sit in that car on the way to the airport.

I personally would not want this this woman within 10 ft of my DS. And I would tell her myself. Come on, all the threads on here about broken relationships and marriages due to cheating and affairs. And we give the advice LTB, whilst also saying OP it’s None of your business. Confused!

Kibble19 · 03/01/2026 08:28

You do wonder if the posters telling the OP to mind her own business would be as understanding if their partner’s parent kept details of their cheating from them.

Cos loyalty. You’d understand, wouldn’t you? Thought not.

Imdunfer · 03/01/2026 08:28

@ErsBears I can't believe the stick you are getting from some people, nor that a third of people think you are unreasonable.

If more mothers reacted like you have there would be fewer cheating men around.

Thank you for sticking up for women!

CheapMustard · 03/01/2026 08:28

On behalf of womankind, thank-you and well-done. A good moral compass begins in the home. Just reading this thread makes me fear for my daughters….
When do we as mothers/ wives/ sisters stop turning a blind eye? He only hit her once, she deserved it. He only sexually assaulted her… well that’s what she said. He only… she may have…

Utter bullshit and posters making excuses for this grown man and other grown men should be ashamed of themselves.

Wehadfireinoureyes · 03/01/2026 08:29

Bellavida99 · 03/01/2026 05:14

It’s really odd you didn’t message to say you were coming home early almost like you wanted to catch him out. He could’ve heard a noise and hit you over the head with something! I always let my kids know if we’re coming home early. I think it’s none of your business and he might be thinking of finishing with her but with the holiday booked might want to see how that goes. They’re not married or living together. While I agree he shouldn’t be cheating long term, the odd infidelity or overlap isn’t a huge thing. You not letting him know that you were coming home is the issue here

I have read some absolutely insane things on this site, but I think this one has just taken it to the next level. The OP’s son, a grown man, has chosen to cheat on his long term gf, exposing her to all of the both physical and emotional harm that cheating causes, and not only that, has chosen to do so in the OP’s own home. Somehow, you’ve managed to make this the OP’s fault, for…returning to her own home at a time different to initially planned. On top of that, apparently the odd infidelity is absolutely fine, as long as marriage or a shared home isn’t involved. Just when you think the bar for men couldn’t get any lower…This has to be rage bait, I don’t see how anyone could possibly think that ‘you not letting him know that you were coming home is the issue here’. Let’s completely excuse the lying, cheating son, completely forget about the girlfriend who is very likely to go on and have sex with the cheating son on holiday and therefore put herself at uninformed risk of STD’s, not even mentioning the heartbreak and emotional damage of her bf sleeping with someone else and being on dating apps, and blame the mother instead for daring to return to her house. I despair.

ilovelasagne · 03/01/2026 08:30

I couldn’t edit my post but somehow missed that he was dog sitting in your house and did that? Gods I would be even more fuming about the disrespect he showed you there as well as his GF. You are doing the right thing. Lay it down straight. What he’s done will affect his GFs life considerably. She’s not a teen, she’s likely imagining marrying your DS or at least things being very serious and long term, if they are moving in together. She will learn a hard lesson so I think you’re 1000% to make sure your son learns a hard one too x

KitWyn · 03/01/2026 08:30

ErsBears · 03/01/2026 04:06

He seemed rather more frustrated that we didn’t warn him we were coming back than actually remorseful!

He currently lives with some of his girlfriend’s close friends (that is how he met her) so I imagine he saw the opportunity to have someone over without anyone his girlfriend knows potentially catching him! I did ask if he knew the girl, he said sort of and I asked what sort of meant and he admitted they met on a dating app!

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On a Dating App. Clearly DS wanted to cheat. But couldn't do so safely in his own place, as his flatmates might (would?) tell the girlfriend. So your request to dogsit must have seemed heaven-sent.

Your son is now in a mess of his own making. His flatmates may be very angry? And he may have to move out. If he then comes back to the family home that'll be very awkward for everyone. Though the dog will be delighted.

So, I wouldn't tell the girlfriend. But I wouldn't lie to her either. I'd tell the DS the truth, that I'm terrible at keeping secrets, and his girlfriend will know something is very wrong just by my facial expressions and awkwardness. So unless he intends for us to never ever meet again, he is going to have to tell him herself.

And then I'd leave DS to sort his own nonsense out. He's an adult. Bad choices have bad consequences.