My DS cheated on his girlfriend in my home

[ErsBears]

Hi, so DH and I were away staying with friends over new year, DS’s girlfriend had gone back to her home country to see her family and DS couldn’t as he had to work so I asked if he would be okay staying at ours to watch the dog, he said sure.
DH and I came home early as one of our friends has fallen ill and wanted some space, we went for dinner first then got a train and cab home at about 11:30pm. I didn’t pre warn DS as I didn’t really see the need to. When we got home he was in his room so I didn’t bother him but then DH realised we had no milk, nothing for breakfast and DH had a headache so needed some paracetamol. We have a 24 hour shop within driving distance and both DH and I had been drinking so I went to ask DS if he would mind popping out. I could see his light was on and hear the tv so knew he was awake. When I knocked on the door the first thing I heard was a girls voice saying “is that your mum”. He came the door in his boxers and asked why we were back early, I explained he told me he’d been drinking so couldn’t. Fine. I asked if his girlfriend was back early (I knew it wasn’t her as his girlfriend has a very identifying accent and it was clearly an English accent I heard).

Anyway he admitted he had someone else over, I told him that she had to leave, he booked her a cab and she left. I made it clear to him that either he tells his girlfriend tomorrow or as soon as she is back or I will tell her, I do not condone cheating. He tried to tell me he didn’t sleep with her but when I pointed out he was only in boxers he admitted he was lying. He said he would tell her but they have a holiday booked for next week (she gets back on Sunday, they fly out on Monday).

For context he’s 28, his girlfriend is 25 and they’ve been together for 2 years, they don’t live together but she owns a flat and he was meant to be moving in this year.

AIBU to be bloody raging and so disappointed that this is the man I raised? I am disgusted that he cheated and I think he needs to tell her before the holiday. We are meant to be picking them up on Monday morning to take them to the airport as it’s an early flight. I don’t think I can sit with her in the car and send her off on holiday with him knowing what he has done!

YANBU. This is a 28 year old man in a serious relationship, who has made it your business by committing infidelity in your own house.

You do not owe him silence. You are not obligated to keep his appalling secret or to compromise your own morals.

Keep doing your utmost to get him to confess immediately. Tell him that he’s selfishly risking her health having slept with another woman.

You may face backlash from your son, such as cutting you off, but the whole situation is entirely his own fault.

He also owes you an apology for doing this in your house.

He doesn't live at home. It was just a useful shag pad where he thought he wouldn't get caught.

I feel your pain OP.

How awful OP. You definitely need a meaningful conversation with your son. Tell him that you were cheated on as a young adult and how much it hurt, and warn him (as if he needs it) about how he is disrespecting his girlfriend by sleeping with her when there is even a small chance of an STI. Don't drive them to the airport and make it clear you wont put on a front for her. Tell him you love him but you are disgusted by his behaviour.

There is no love without truth.

Sorry, I just re-read the OP and realise I got the wrong end of the stick about him living at home!

He doesn’t live at home, he was sleeping over for a few nights to dog sit while DH and I were away.
However he lives with his girlfriends two closest friends so I imagine there was some opportunistic thoughts on being somewhere that no one should have been around to catch him and tell his girlfriend.

Sorry but that is shit.

Imagine finding out your OH cheated but didnt tell you because of Christmas and a booked holiday so you carried on unaware.

yes and everyone else colluded with it by turning a blind eye.

I’d be gutted too op. Is not JUST the cheating it’s the circumstances. This isn’t just a very spontaneous “well I met her at a v pub and I’d had a few and wtf have I done”. He’s gone out of his way to download a dating app, at your house where he knew it was completely private, then basically bussed in a hole to fuck without a thought for his GF and then had the audacity to complain about paying for a taxi for the body he just shagged.

id be feeling unwittingly complicit and weirdly responsible and pretty ashamed of my adult child too.

Was the ow a girl he knew? It wasn't a sex worker was it?
Don't say anything to his girl that's down to him but do as you said and refuse to give them a lift to the airport and advise him to tell his GF.

Yeah I would deeply disappointed that my son showed such awful behaviour too.

But I would tell him how ashamed I am of the behaviour and explain why it is really poor. Tell him I would not be able to be with him and his gf e.g. lifts etc because of knowing what I know.

And then completely step away from it all.

It’s so grubby. Inviting some random woman to shag in YOUR house, behind his gf’s back.

Wtf is wrong with him?

As someone who has been cheated on, I'd want anyone who knew to tell me so that I'm not just carrying on without a clue.

Good for you. My late mum would have said exactly the same thing. She always commented when Corrie was on that real men have integrity. She'd applaud you, and rightly so.

This. What a pig.

Well done OP for standing your ground. And as for the enablers on here… no wonder so many men are such entitled cheats.

I told him he really has to tell his girlfriend as he’s taking away her right to have informed consent, and putting her at risk of STDs. He admitted he hadn’t thought of that but he doesn’t want to tell her as he does love her and doesn’t want to lose her, I made it clear that it was a bit to late for that now and he has to tell her.

If he hadn't thought about the risk of STD's then presumably that means he took no action to protect himself which means he took the word of a stranger that she was using contraception or he's so reckless that didn't even cross his mind either. Let's hope there isn't a surprise baby.

He's put you in a really awful position here. You know regardless now, if he tells her and they stay together? You will be the MIL that knows her son cheated (and forced him to tell her). That's humiliating for her and horrible for you. How can you ever have a solid relationship with your DIL after that?

There is nothing humiliating about being cheated on. If your moral compass is controlled by your libido you are rather weak and pathetic. The shame belongs entirely to him.

no im with you op. No excuse. He just doesn’t want to lose out on a holiday.
to do it in your home too? No.

No I don't think I would tell the gf. I would talk to my ds, say I was disappointed and that he should do the right thing and tell his gf . After that I'd leave them to it. It's rarely a good idea to involve yourself in another adults relationship,

If he’s at the point ( in a two year relationship) where he feels he needs to download an app to have sex with some random woman, then he needs to move on.
My DS1 tried something a bit similar when with his ex gf. We went batshit ( more so because of the disrespect shown to us and our home). At the time he said he loved his gf. DP pointed out that people “In love” don’t tend to download apps to have sex with strangers.
His relationship eventually fizzled out but at that point he was reminded that he doesn’t bring random women into OUR HOME for him to have his sexual needs met.
It’s a shame that so many men think with their dicks.
I would also be disappointed OP but it’s no reflection on you. The way of the world these days is that dating apps can make people have the same attitude to having a shag, that they do to ordering a takeaway.

@ErsBears- why don’t you just not go to the airport with them? “We” don’t need to drive…

This!!

So your dh hasnt really stepped up has he?

Exactly this. I now understand from this thread what is going wrong with modern masculinity …….such a low bar of mothering when it comes to adult sons. ‘It must be the awful woman’s fault for him to look elsewhere’.
No.
OP is absolutely right in her stance. The posters disagreeing with her moral disgust need to have a long, hard look at the bar they set with their own sons.
Sad to say but the usual mumsnet wisdom is really starting to get poisoned by some very narrow minded and inward looking perspectives. Low intelligence and poor reading skills don’t help the situation.

I would be furious at the fact my dc brought a stranger back to my house for casual sex.
I would talk to dc about why they are cheating and the impact on the relationship and how happy are they in that relationship if they need to cheat.
I wouldn’t tell the girlfriend.

There is nothing humiliating about being cheated on. If your moral compass is controlled by your libido you are rather weak and pathetic. The shame belongs entirely to him.

Well, quite, but it's rarely that simple for the victim. When I was cheated on and I found out his friends knew, I was absolutely fucking mortified that they were so nice to my face knowing he'd slept with someone else. On top of feeling betrayed I felt so small. If I'd have stayed with him I'd never have been able to look them in the eye.

Yes, agreed. To the poster who wrote the bits you’ve put in bold - why would anyone feel humiliated or horrible? Even if OP tells her and she decided to forgive him, surely that demonstrates she has a MIL with integrity and morals that she knows won’t defend her son when he’s been a shit?

Agreed. If this were being written from the POV of the girlfriend there would be very different responses, especially if the OP were seen as condoning his behaviour by allowing it under her roof, driving them around etc.

I wouldn't tell her OP, but like you, would have made clear it wasn't to to happen ever again under your roof. Hugely disrespectful. I would not be driving them to their holiday, and would expect him to be honest with her.