My DS cheated on his girlfriend in my home

[ErsBears]

Hi, so DH and I were away staying with friends over new year, DS’s girlfriend had gone back to her home country to see her family and DS couldn’t as he had to work so I asked if he would be okay staying at ours to watch the dog, he said sure.
DH and I came home early as one of our friends has fallen ill and wanted some space, we went for dinner first then got a train and cab home at about 11:30pm. I didn’t pre warn DS as I didn’t really see the need to. When we got home he was in his room so I didn’t bother him but then DH realised we had no milk, nothing for breakfast and DH had a headache so needed some paracetamol. We have a 24 hour shop within driving distance and both DH and I had been drinking so I went to ask DS if he would mind popping out. I could see his light was on and hear the tv so knew he was awake. When I knocked on the door the first thing I heard was a girls voice saying “is that your mum”. He came the door in his boxers and asked why we were back early, I explained he told me he’d been drinking so couldn’t. Fine. I asked if his girlfriend was back early (I knew it wasn’t her as his girlfriend has a very identifying accent and it was clearly an English accent I heard).

Anyway he admitted he had someone else over, I told him that she had to leave, he booked her a cab and she left. I made it clear to him that either he tells his girlfriend tomorrow or as soon as she is back or I will tell her, I do not condone cheating. He tried to tell me he didn’t sleep with her but when I pointed out he was only in boxers he admitted he was lying. He said he would tell her but they have a holiday booked for next week (she gets back on Sunday, they fly out on Monday).

For context he’s 28, his girlfriend is 25 and they’ve been together for 2 years, they don’t live together but she owns a flat and he was meant to be moving in this year.

AIBU to be bloody raging and so disappointed that this is the man I raised? I am disgusted that he cheated and I think he needs to tell her before the holiday. We are meant to be picking them up on Monday morning to take them to the airport as it’s an early flight. I don’t think I can sit with her in the car and send her off on holiday with him knowing what he has done!

Bollocks. It's her house 😅

Yet you happily made the situation sound much more dramatic than it was by changing 'couldn't drive because we'd had a drink' to 'too drunk to remember milk'.
Then called the OP and her husband 'embarassing' for the entirely normal and not remotely embarassing behaviour of returning to their own home and asking a favour of their own son. Who as far as they were aware was not doing anything 'private' for them to 'invade'.
Clearly you're no stranger to injecting a little drama (and dramatic licence) yourself.

I’d stay out of it. Let him enjoy his imminent holiday and maybe if it goes well he will decide she’s the one. He’s young. Men don’t settle and marry so early nowadays. After the holiday is the time to talk. If you tell him today it will ruin a costly holiday for them both.

You still don't need to fuck around behind your girlfriend's back

To be fair, you can do that on any of the dating sites. I used to get loads of offers when on them. They needed no encouragement either, a lot of men on there are looking for a one night stand

OP I fully agree with you. Your DS has to tell the girlfriend or this may happen again. Best deal with it now than this situation drags on. It’s unfair of you to be expected to keep a secret like that.

I agree but it’s not for his mum to decide that

Yes.
And I still wouldn't want my mummy to tell on me to my partner, at 28 or now, at 48.

Well no one would ‘want’ to be held accountable for being a cheat, given a choice.

@ErsBears well here’s the thing. 25 for the woman and 28 for the man is now young to settle down.

it sounds like your son feels he’s still young and wants to sow his wild oats. Maybe he needs to get all that out of his system and then settle down with someone in 5-10 years once he’s got a bit more life experience under his belt. So he has more perspective on the matter.

if he has marriage and kids too young, he might feel trapped and this will lead to more cheating, except then kids will be involved.

His mum isn’t ‘telling on him’, she’s acting like any decent human being with integrity should act & isn’t willing to lie to someone she likes & who trusts her. It’s that simple.

Why should he be using his parents house as a knocking shop? It absolutely is their business who is in their home.

The downloading the app just to get sex with a stranger makes it all the more seedy

Yes but that’s not relevant here is it. If he wants to be single and free he’s more than welcome to be, but he can’t sleep with other people while in a monogamous relationship with someone who doesn’t know he’s doing that. It isn’t just about his right to live his life as he sees fit, his girlfriend has the same right and therefor needs all the relevant information so she can decide for herself if she wants to be with him.

I agree. Cheating has always happened but in the past by age 28 he would have moved into his own place and you’d never have known.

So if he gets dumped over this it is 100% on him, not the OP.
And at this point it is a bit much to talk about "maybe he'll decide she's the one" - she also gets a say in their future and she might decide she doesn't want to take what he is offering if she knows what that actually is!

But it’s not your business to decide if she knows or not. It seems overbearing. When I was 28 my mum and dad knew nothing of my relationships

If he’s cheated on her then she’s not the one for him. I would be advising him to reassess the relationship and whether they are right for each other. It might be time to call it a day.

So he wants to marry her? But also proactively went out of his way / downloading an app? Inviting someone over etc in order to cheat. I don’t buy of it at all. None of it.

I believe he should tell her - now. There is never a good time eg it was grandma’s birthday etc he wants to not tell her. Minimise it. Have her there in the uk (which I think isn’t her home country) about to go on holiday. Eg darling if I have to tell you let it be after the holiday and then we are engaged and I won’t tell you. Then propose if necessary to get the worm staying on the hook. I’ve talked to my DH about this thread and he says he would be talking to his son (we have one that is nearly 30) and ensuring he tells her before she sets off to the U.K. OP you have done everything right. You are right to be upset and angry.

Are you ok?

He does live in his own place - with his gf 2 best friends! He was staying at his parents house to pet sit and decided to use the opportunity to shag some random

Well done for not enabling his behaviour.

If I didn’t know, I wouldn’t want to know. But I do know which means it’s now a moral question for me too. If he didn’t want me to know he shouldn’t have brought someone else to my home.
DS doesn’t really get a say on if his girlfriend knows or not, what he has done is deceitful and puts her at risk, it removes her right to informed consent. These aren’t small “it’s his business things” they are fundamental and she needs to know irrespective of if he wants to tell her, he shouldn’t get to just have his cake and eat it.

Im not going to tell her, he has told me he will tell her tomorrow so as not to ruin her family meal, I will take his word for that.

Im his mum, it’s not my business what he does until he makes it my business by doing it in my home. I don’t feel entitled to a say over his choices but I will hold him accountable when he is making a choice that not only impacts him but others. That’s common decency. Being my child does not gain him my unfaltering support, he gets my unconditional love, but loving him comes with accountability.

75% of men have cheated? In what country?

Its a shame your dh is staying out if it so much