My DS cheated on his girlfriend in my home

[ErsBears]

Hi, so DH and I were away staying with friends over new year, DS’s girlfriend had gone back to her home country to see her family and DS couldn’t as he had to work so I asked if he would be okay staying at ours to watch the dog, he said sure.
DH and I came home early as one of our friends has fallen ill and wanted some space, we went for dinner first then got a train and cab home at about 11:30pm. I didn’t pre warn DS as I didn’t really see the need to. When we got home he was in his room so I didn’t bother him but then DH realised we had no milk, nothing for breakfast and DH had a headache so needed some paracetamol. We have a 24 hour shop within driving distance and both DH and I had been drinking so I went to ask DS if he would mind popping out. I could see his light was on and hear the tv so knew he was awake. When I knocked on the door the first thing I heard was a girls voice saying “is that your mum”. He came the door in his boxers and asked why we were back early, I explained he told me he’d been drinking so couldn’t. Fine. I asked if his girlfriend was back early (I knew it wasn’t her as his girlfriend has a very identifying accent and it was clearly an English accent I heard).

Anyway he admitted he had someone else over, I told him that she had to leave, he booked her a cab and she left. I made it clear to him that either he tells his girlfriend tomorrow or as soon as she is back or I will tell her, I do not condone cheating. He tried to tell me he didn’t sleep with her but when I pointed out he was only in boxers he admitted he was lying. He said he would tell her but they have a holiday booked for next week (she gets back on Sunday, they fly out on Monday).

For context he’s 28, his girlfriend is 25 and they’ve been together for 2 years, they don’t live together but she owns a flat and he was meant to be moving in this year.

AIBU to be bloody raging and so disappointed that this is the man I raised? I am disgusted that he cheated and I think he needs to tell her before the holiday. We are meant to be picking them up on Monday morning to take them to the airport as it’s an early flight. I don’t think I can sit with her in the car and send her off on holiday with him knowing what he has done!

I would read him the riot act but i don't think he should tell her.

If this was his first time i would give him the benefit of the doubt and speak to him around working out why he thought it was acceptable.

I don't buy the story that he downloaded the dating app and he was in bed later that day with someone. I know things can move quickly on dating apps but i don't believe that was the case here. It's a little too convenient that he downloaded the app on the morning he was staying over, away from his house then a few hours later he's having a bit of how's your father... Do girls fall into bed after a few hours of texting nowadays? She just happened to be free that day and she just happened to be around the corner - what a stroke of luck that was. NOT

I don't think what happened is any reflection on the way he was brought up or his values. I think he's a typical man who thinks with whats between his legs.

Well it would be her fault of course. We shouldn't expect a 28 yr old male to be in the least bit responsible for his bad behaviour. The poor love must certainly have been failed by the women in his life!
Jeez I despair.

@Tekknonan absolutely.
I still can't see what all the drama is about, apart from OP's son having someone in her home.
And yes, I read it all. And no, I myself wouldn't tell the girlfriend.

Very clear from your language that you also lack basic manners.

I'd love to know how many of the posters who are (bizarrely) trying to turn the blame for all this back on to the OP and (even more bizarrely) the GF have sons. There has to be some underlying reason for such weirdness.

Well. Apologies to those whose reading enjoyment was sullied by my response to a different scenario to OP's!

Partly my confusion was due to OP's involvement, son seeming to still have a bedroom at his parents home (despite being 28 and not living there), and parents driving him and GF to the airport.

Mostly though, I have a damaged brain, fluctuating cognitive impairments due to ongoing illness. I've been using MN these past years as a workbook while I slowly reclaim the ability to read, write, analyse, interact; or sometimes just to gauge how much capacity I have at any given moment. I was struggling to write my previous post, and given that, perhaps I should have thought to rewind further, and question whether I'd even understood OP accurately in the first place.

Thank you to the lovely folks who spoke up for me, and for the ease of misunderstanding, and for the wonderful diversity of abilities represented on MN at any given time. It means the world, especially as those lacking capacity in the moment can by definition find it hard to stand up for ourselves.

I know it can be frustrating when people don't seem to have read carefully or understand accurately; I'm usually the one tearing my hair out! However I'm more appalled by the cuntishness of those who so readily give a kicking to those of differing abilities.

(A blanket apology for any errors or misunderstandings in this post too: I'm still struggling, and am now beyond exhausted, but didn't want the general shittery to cascade any longer).

Sorry for the derail OP: I admire your responsibility and integrity and trustworthy caring as a parent and future MIL.

Would I fuck drive her to an airport for 40 mins! There is absolutely no way on earth I wouldn’t be telling her and I would be incredibly disappointed in him. Saying nothing and going along with it is condoning his actions.

Cute? I think the word you mean is adult or the 2 words grown up!

Maybe because he saw fit to shag a random in her house and now expects her to lie by omission about it ?

My first thought, the risk is never zero and using condoms doesn’t fully protect against HPV, which could ultimately lead to cervical cancer and infertility or worse, on that basis alone I’d tell her myself before he has the opportunity to potentially pass something on. Actually can’t believe what I’m reading on this thread.

So he lacks integrity, which is a sad thing to realise about your own son. I'm glad you spoke to him and got him to admit it, hopefully he follows through on it.

You’re entitled to your take on it and I am entitled to mine.

Too much drama in my opinion.

He is a sleazy, cheap lowlife. If a ring does actually exist, it makes it worse.

He felt entitled to fuck another woman. actively sought to do so too. It is that basic.

He is vile.

You sound thoroughly decent OP.

Thank god there are women like you raising boys.

She can do what she wants. But needs to decide whether it’s more important for her to have a relationship with her son. If she tells the GF it’s unlikely her son will ever forgive her. U to the OP. Not a nice position to be in but she will have to pick one or the other

That’s okay, don’t stress at all! If you need any help with clarifying things I’m happy to help.

With the things you have mentioned, he doesn’t really still have a room here, it’s not decorated for him or filled with his things, but it is his old childhood bedroom so we still refer to it as his room, in function it’s more a back up guest bedroom.

We are taking them to the airport as their flight is just after 6am I believe and they are going snowboarding. His girlfriend prefers to take her own snowboard so it’s quite hefty to carry around with suitcases too. They would likely need to get a night bus or something similar to get a coach to the airport as I don’t think the Stansted express leaves that early. We offered to help them out by picking them up in return for him dog sitting, a bit of a I’ll scratch your back if you scratch mine situation.

There’s nothing wrong with my manners, thanks.

He has to realise that nobody gets away with cheating (he thought he could & nobody would find out). That what if the hook-up announces she’s pregnant & needs a lifetime of financial support? That love (he says he loves his gf) is based on honesty and respect (not slyly doing dating apps) and that what if his gf friends recognise him on dating apps? That how would he like it if his gf cheated on him & everyone knew about it and was laughing behind his back? That he has the chance of a nice lady and home ahead of him, which he was happy to throw away for a meaningless shag.

also, he needs to man-up and confront immaturity and cowardly behaviour: if he is not keen on her, but is staying with her as she offers financial comfort and an easy life, he has to realise these aren’t reasons to stay 24/7 with someone and a lifetime with someone you are ambivalent about.

staying with someone in a serious relationship is about basic attraction, hard work, sacrifice, patience, honesty, loyalty etc. But it rewards you with sublime happiness, contentment, laughs, fun, joy, companionship and ultimate fulfilment.

Engagement ring my arse!

The action of downloading a dating app and having casual sex, in my mind, is entirely incompatible with didcussing marriage/ long term commitment/purchasing an engagement ring, if you are (mostly) a rational person.

This is an awful situation for the OP So thoroughly disappointing and unexpected. Sending you my solidarity and admiration for how you have handled the situation. Kudos @ErsBears

Mistakenly quoted the OP previously.
Apologies @ErsBears .
I maintain that in your shoes, I would stay out of it.

He invited a stranger into OP's home and had sex with her.

I see that we now have more than one man with a 'feminine' user name on the thread. Incels on Tour?

I don't envy you, OP. Kudos for challenging your son. You're absolutely right - it's now impossible for you to take your son and his GF to the airport: it's unfair of him to expect you to keep quiet. The only solution, therefore, is to avoid being in her company until he's told her what he has done.

I doubt very much whether he'll muster up the courage, however. This is leaving you in a position where - inevitably - the girlfriend will be asking you why you're avoiding her. At that point, all you can do is tell her that you respect her, that she's done nothing wrong and that she needs to speak to your son.

Your son has put you in a horrible place.

Can he give us the name of the dating app which you can download in the morning then be shagging a few hours later after a few text messages? Unless of course he's James Bond or Errol Flynn...

Asking for a friend of course...

While it technically isn’t your business it sort of is now because a. It happened in your house and b. As things stand you will be expected to see the gf and not say anything.

you can’t make him do anything (nor should you tell her) but you can strongly advise him to tell her, which he is hopefully going to do. Poor gf. Hope she makes the right decision for her.

😂