My DS cheated on his girlfriend in my home

[ErsBears]

Hi, so DH and I were away staying with friends over new year, DS’s girlfriend had gone back to her home country to see her family and DS couldn’t as he had to work so I asked if he would be okay staying at ours to watch the dog, he said sure.
DH and I came home early as one of our friends has fallen ill and wanted some space, we went for dinner first then got a train and cab home at about 11:30pm. I didn’t pre warn DS as I didn’t really see the need to. When we got home he was in his room so I didn’t bother him but then DH realised we had no milk, nothing for breakfast and DH had a headache so needed some paracetamol. We have a 24 hour shop within driving distance and both DH and I had been drinking so I went to ask DS if he would mind popping out. I could see his light was on and hear the tv so knew he was awake. When I knocked on the door the first thing I heard was a girls voice saying “is that your mum”. He came the door in his boxers and asked why we were back early, I explained he told me he’d been drinking so couldn’t. Fine. I asked if his girlfriend was back early (I knew it wasn’t her as his girlfriend has a very identifying accent and it was clearly an English accent I heard).

Anyway he admitted he had someone else over, I told him that she had to leave, he booked her a cab and she left. I made it clear to him that either he tells his girlfriend tomorrow or as soon as she is back or I will tell her, I do not condone cheating. He tried to tell me he didn’t sleep with her but when I pointed out he was only in boxers he admitted he was lying. He said he would tell her but they have a holiday booked for next week (she gets back on Sunday, they fly out on Monday).

For context he’s 28, his girlfriend is 25 and they’ve been together for 2 years, they don’t live together but she owns a flat and he was meant to be moving in this year.

AIBU to be bloody raging and so disappointed that this is the man I raised? I am disgusted that he cheated and I think he needs to tell her before the holiday. We are meant to be picking them up on Monday morning to take them to the airport as it’s an early flight. I don’t think I can sit with her in the car and send her off on holiday with him knowing what he has done!

He has had a heart to heart with DS, told him he’s a fool if he thinks she will still want to marry him after this and he owes her the decency of being honest ASAP.

Is it? I don’t think that’s young at all. Yes I’m not that age but my sister is, as are her friends and they are all settling, getting married/engaged having babies.

She isn't planning to.

Can you even read?

Yes, we think the same. He’s free to be single and go on dating apps every night if he so wishes.

but I think he wants his cake and eat it: sleeping with whomever he wants, yet telling the boss he has a wife and kids, having a gf during Christmas to buy him presents and someone to go on holiday with.

sounds like he wants it all and thinks he can craftily get away with it.

you have to also wonder if he deliberately picked someone with money, who goes back to see family for weeks on end, giving him perfect cover to see people behind her back.

I commend you for doing the right thing in a society full of lack of morals.

it will be a tough battle convincing your son to do the right thing. He will think everyone’s doing it/only a bit of fun/she will never know/he’s done it loads of times before and not got found out/gf has cheated herself he reckons etc etc.

People would really be happy if their MIL knew (not only knew, but witnessed) about their husbands affair and their tendency to download tinder whenever you went to visit your family? Interesting.

It is one thing to give advice that you're worried how it wil affect op's relationship with her son, but straight up say that none of your business and she should respect the obviously very valid reasons to cheat.

Got to admit. It has been a few weeks since I've gotten a good whiplash in MN.

Good for you OP. No wonder there is some horrendous mother in laws. Should my ds every do this in the future I would do exactly the same.

You can still catch STD using protection, also HPV. Imagine if he stayed with the poor girlfriend for years to come possibly children involved and it all came out that you knew he had cheated. He’s put you in a horrible situation and I would be dropping him in it too.

Did you invite randoms back to your parents house?

Try reading. The OP wouldn't have known if the 28 year old son hadn't invited a hook up back to HER home.

Wow!

Surprised by the responses here. I’d be furious and would tell the gf. Especially since she’s been there over Christmas. To me that signals a serious relationship and basically an extension of family. The right thing to do is to tell her, that being him ideally, and if not, you.

the level of disrespect to bring someone in your parents house to cheat… gross. Very entitled behaviour. And why should you have to tell him you’re coming home to YOUR home? My mum and dad would likely throw me out (even now in my 30s) if I dared do that.

There are so many women in this thread that view men through their own experiences. It’s so sad. I’m sorry you have been treated badly. Do you know any good men?

I did point out that the young man is a liar and a cheat but it is a fact that men have sex at the drop of a hat. What he should have done is to have thought of his relationship with his girlfriend of 2 years and resisted temptation but the fact remains he didnt want to resist.

Presumably you didn’t bring your online ONS at their house?

Coming from you that’s rich considering you accused the mum of being too drunk to buy her own milk.

Good on you OP - my son is only 5, but I certainly wouldn't tolerate such behaviour in the future.

No one threw themselves at him(not that that is an excuse). He deliberately downloaded the app and made an account. He chatted with at least one woman there. He waited until the gf was out of the country and he was in a “safe” space (not the flat he shares with her friends). Then he deliberately invited that woman over and had sex with her. Every single act was a conscious, deliberate step , not “temptation “.

ErsBears I really respect your clear thinking on this. The naysayers might think you should cover for him but in reality he's lucky to have you.

I don't think she should unknowingly be exposed to the risk he's taken with his own sexual health. Symptomless STD's can cause fertility problems for women and we should never accept that is a price any woman should be deceived into paying because a man though his sexual wants were more important than her right to give informed consent.

Maybe men would cheat less if more people stood up to them and they had to face the consequences of their behaviour. It's letting them get away with it that gives them the belief it's acceptable.

Oh dear.
Obviously not (have been reading since 1 year old).
Do you want to teach me? 😆

Yes, it’s important you and your DP are singing from the same hymn sheet.

I do think she should be told before the holiday, otherwise the whole holiday will be remembered for fakery. See if he can get money back on the holiday or sell on the holiday to others.

I think he’s just too immature for a serious relationship and needs to sow his wild oats until he himself understands sacrifice, loyalty and hard work that goes into a relationship. He must want to do it himself, not be reminded by others to toe the line. Otherwise he will forever think oops, gf gone to the shops, let’s text the latest love interest.

If OP's son wants to sow some wild oats, he shouldn't be in a relationship, unless both partners have agree to an open relationship. There is no indication that OP's son's girlfriend would agreed to have that sort of relationship and I wouldn't be at all surprised if OP's son would be absolutely raging if his girlfriend arranged and had a one-night stand with another man.

If he's too young for marriage and feels trapped, he should end the relationship but he has said that he doesn't want to do that. He can't have his cake and eat it.

HE HAS HIS OWN PLACE 🤬

Also no one who is intending to get engaged to in the very near future to a person they think so much of they're going on holiday with imminently would endanger that future in the way that this son has.

Op you are not being unreasonable, I wish more people had as much moral courage and backbone. If anything, him having an engagement ring makes this worse - you can't stand by and watch her unknowingly marry him .

Fingers crossed he actually follows through with telling her

Honestly I just want to say good on you for calling him out on it and giving him an ultimatum.

Unfortunately he didn’t absorb his morals from you. What a shame.

What a disgusting reaponse. You absolutely do not support an immoral action purely because your child does it. It’s parents like you breeding shitty people that are an issue in society

Why?