My DS cheated on his girlfriend in my home

[ErsBears]

Hi, so DH and I were away staying with friends over new year, DS’s girlfriend had gone back to her home country to see her family and DS couldn’t as he had to work so I asked if he would be okay staying at ours to watch the dog, he said sure.
DH and I came home early as one of our friends has fallen ill and wanted some space, we went for dinner first then got a train and cab home at about 11:30pm. I didn’t pre warn DS as I didn’t really see the need to. When we got home he was in his room so I didn’t bother him but then DH realised we had no milk, nothing for breakfast and DH had a headache so needed some paracetamol. We have a 24 hour shop within driving distance and both DH and I had been drinking so I went to ask DS if he would mind popping out. I could see his light was on and hear the tv so knew he was awake. When I knocked on the door the first thing I heard was a girls voice saying “is that your mum”. He came the door in his boxers and asked why we were back early, I explained he told me he’d been drinking so couldn’t. Fine. I asked if his girlfriend was back early (I knew it wasn’t her as his girlfriend has a very identifying accent and it was clearly an English accent I heard).

Anyway he admitted he had someone else over, I told him that she had to leave, he booked her a cab and she left. I made it clear to him that either he tells his girlfriend tomorrow or as soon as she is back or I will tell her, I do not condone cheating. He tried to tell me he didn’t sleep with her but when I pointed out he was only in boxers he admitted he was lying. He said he would tell her but they have a holiday booked for next week (she gets back on Sunday, they fly out on Monday).

For context he’s 28, his girlfriend is 25 and they’ve been together for 2 years, they don’t live together but she owns a flat and he was meant to be moving in this year.

AIBU to be bloody raging and so disappointed that this is the man I raised? I am disgusted that he cheated and I think he needs to tell her before the holiday. We are meant to be picking them up on Monday morning to take them to the airport as it’s an early flight. I don’t think I can sit with her in the car and send her off on holiday with him knowing what he has done!

I think I would be thankful if my grown daughter had a mil like you. If they are due to move in together isn't it better she knows beforehand?

The fact he met her via a dating app shows real intentionality about cheating, as well as making the most of your house while away. He doesn't sound ready to move in with her and have an adult relationship.

Lemon dessert’s post is the most important post of the whole thread. It’s not whether to tell the gf or not. It’s bigger than that. It’s why the son who permanently lives with the gf, says he’s in love with the gf, yet brings home a stranger to his parents home and doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with his behaviour. At aged 28. Clearly the boy doesn’t know the difference between right and wrong and doesn’t realise actions have consequences. He’s not a teenager. I would think I’ve failed as a mother if I had a child (either gender) who thinks it’s ok to cheat.

It’s wild isn’t it, people who are prepared to enter into deception of the girlfriend on the basis that it’s not their business. This is a 2 year relationship, the OP has a relationship with the girl by virtue of her son introducing her, she was with them for Christmas. I couldn’t look her in the eye knowing my DS had behaved so badly.

It’s clear that he planned the whole sordid episode in advance, joining a dating app and knowing you’d be away and he could do whatever he liked without you, his father or his housemates ever knowing.
That’s a whole new level of deceit imo, planning to cheat on his girlfriend and get away with it.
I’d be totally disgusted too OP. An opportunistic one night stand would have be bad enough.
I really feel for his girlfriend, she’s had a lucky escape from your son before things got too serious.
What a horrible New Year shock for her.

And he is indeed confronting the consequences of being found cheating by his mum because he decided to bring a random woman to his mums house to have sex with. Thats all adult consequences.

Very odd that people are saying you should mind your own business IMO. More mothers (potential in-law) should be like you; you care for the woman your son is dating and clearly know your son did her wrong.

I would give him an ultimatum if I were you; he needs to learn the hard way. There is no excuse for cheating.

Yes, the amount of internalised misogyny and "but he's your 👑SON 👑" on this thread is shocking! It's not even just suspicion, OP knows exactly what happened. In this kind of situation I would hope my MIL would have the decency of OP rather than pandering to his precious Highness.

He is potentially taking away his girlfriend's ability to have safe sex, without her consent.

He doesn’t live with his mum, he lives in a house share with friends of his girlfriend. He saw an opportunity for no strings, no consequences sex and he took it.

I’m actually wondering if he’s cheated on her before, that this isn’t the first time.

If he had his own place Mum would never have got entangled in his affairs, which she shouldn’t be.

He does have his own place @CremeCarmel. He shares a place with his girlfriend’s mates. If his mum is entangled, it’s because he brought the issue to right to her doorstep.

He downloaded a dating app?!

he thinks he loves her but really he doesn’t. He subconsciously knows that she isn’t his life partner and the fact he’s supposed to be moving in with her into her property is putting a very real, commitment on their relationship and he’s backing out.

he just doesn’t want to acknowledge it fully. He had to tell her, the dating app for me would almost be biggest betrayal followed very swiftly by the sex. As he’s looking to see what his options are and so that’s what he sees his GF as, an option.

Absolutely. He’s probably been shagging her for some time.

Op, well done for showing some morals and making sure your DS knows you expect him to live by them as well, shocked by some of the responses on this thread. Treat people how you expect to be treated yourself is what I have instigated in my own kids. It's unacceptable he used your home as a love nest and I wouldn't let him use it again, even if you need a dogsitter. I'd also be taking away his keys. With regards to his GF, if there is no argument, no blow up, how are you going to know he told her? If they go on holiday, I'd be suspicious that he hasn't told her.

you are absolutely right!
hopefully it will be a lesson learned for your son, and a lot of time & future heartbreak saved for his partner.

Those apologists and keep your beak out brigade - how would YOU feel in the girlfriend's Jimmy Choos? Would you be happy to be kept in the dark about this? Thought not.

Crap behaviour should be called out. We’re always saying that people should be held accountable for their actions. Why shouldn’t OP say to her DS that he needs to own his actions? Maybe if more people called this crap out, people would be better people. He chose to cheat, he should be held accountable. I’d want to know if my DH cheated on me. Because then I can make a decision about it.

Surprised with the morals of a lot of people on here. You are absolutley right op... she deserves to know. His own stupid fault for bringing her into your house.

Wtf are these replies?

your son acted like a piece of shit and I’d be livid too. Good for you insisting he faces up to what he did and give this girl the chance to make an informed choice.

absolutely gobsmacked at the theme of these replies.

Very true & very serious! This is not talked about often enough.

It's her business because he is conducting his affair in her house!

OP, all you can do is make it very clear he must never do this again under your roof, and also discuss with him at great length the morals and implications of cheating.

But it really is not your business to dictate to him when he tells her or to threaten to tell her yourself. I understand why you want to, but you have to leave him to deal with his own behaviour.

There's no mitigating circumstances here. He is a grown man who took the opportunity to proactively set about cheating on his gf who he is meant to be moving in with. He's either bored with relationship or doesn't love her.

He's not some teenager who snogged another girl at a party. He brought a stranger into your house to shag, without consideration of the potential health consequences for him or the gf. If the OW is the type to allowed herself to be ferried to some random's house for sex she's obviously reckless as to the consequences of her own behaviour also..

The only way to behave in these circs is to do what you did, not making up excuses or what ifs.

How would anyone want to be treated in the circumstances?

Agree. People think they are doing the right thing by informing the cheated, or they want to get things off their chest, worried, guilty etc.

But I’ve seen it plenty of times that some women (and men) can’t cope with the truth & get angry, get revenge, drop years long friendships instantly, accuse the messenger of all sorts, smear the person telling them etc.

“shoot the messenger” definitely exists. So people are wise to keep out of other’s business. The wronged person will soon enough find the deceit for themselves.

I'm shocked at some of the replies in here. Iv 3 boys. I'd be doing exactly the same as you op. I didn't raise my boys to be utter dicks.

The op’s son goes to show that whatever your values as a parent, your kid can still turn out to be an utter weasel. Adept at deceit and betrayal.