My DS cheated on his girlfriend in my home

[ErsBears]

Hi, so DH and I were away staying with friends over new year, DS’s girlfriend had gone back to her home country to see her family and DS couldn’t as he had to work so I asked if he would be okay staying at ours to watch the dog, he said sure.
DH and I came home early as one of our friends has fallen ill and wanted some space, we went for dinner first then got a train and cab home at about 11:30pm. I didn’t pre warn DS as I didn’t really see the need to. When we got home he was in his room so I didn’t bother him but then DH realised we had no milk, nothing for breakfast and DH had a headache so needed some paracetamol. We have a 24 hour shop within driving distance and both DH and I had been drinking so I went to ask DS if he would mind popping out. I could see his light was on and hear the tv so knew he was awake. When I knocked on the door the first thing I heard was a girls voice saying “is that your mum”. He came the door in his boxers and asked why we were back early, I explained he told me he’d been drinking so couldn’t. Fine. I asked if his girlfriend was back early (I knew it wasn’t her as his girlfriend has a very identifying accent and it was clearly an English accent I heard).

Anyway he admitted he had someone else over, I told him that she had to leave, he booked her a cab and she left. I made it clear to him that either he tells his girlfriend tomorrow or as soon as she is back or I will tell her, I do not condone cheating. He tried to tell me he didn’t sleep with her but when I pointed out he was only in boxers he admitted he was lying. He said he would tell her but they have a holiday booked for next week (she gets back on Sunday, they fly out on Monday).

For context he’s 28, his girlfriend is 25 and they’ve been together for 2 years, they don’t live together but she owns a flat and he was meant to be moving in this year.

AIBU to be bloody raging and so disappointed that this is the man I raised? I am disgusted that he cheated and I think he needs to tell her before the holiday. We are meant to be picking them up on Monday morning to take them to the airport as it’s an early flight. I don’t think I can sit with her in the car and send her off on holiday with him knowing what he has done!

I agree with you.
I know of someone who was with a partner for several years. I don't believe he was cheating on her but he wanted to break up with her. Instead of doing the right thing and ending it, they went on holiday together, and he broke up with her on their return. He told her that he didn't break up with her before as he didn't want to spoil the holiday (although he did, by engineering arguments and treating her horribly).

He may be an adult but he did this in your house. You see the GF as part of the family. You've offered him two options, so it's up to him which he goes for.

And as other say, if I knew my child was slacking off work when they should be there and had lied, then I'd want to find out why. If was pure laziness then I'd tell them they need to either accept the job for what it is, and put in the hours, or look for something else.

So the OP says nothing, cos “shoot the messenger”. He moves in with her, they have children together, she steps back from work to care for the kids, is financially reliant on him. Then the years old deceit becomes public - and she’s left holding the kids, and finds out her MIL knew about it and could have saved her years of investing in a life together.

Id risk losing a friendship to avoid that scenario.

Yes, I wondered too from his reaction. She said he seemed annoyed rather than sorry and the dating app means it was premeditated.

Well done OP for not doing the easy thing by turning a blind eye and excusing his behaviour. Hopefully this thread has made a lot of people rethink what they would do in a similar situation.

Hopefully he will now take responsibility and do the right thing, and in time genuinely see the error of his ways. There is, at least much more of a chance that will happen now thanks to you.

Can't help but think that could be my daughter in 10 years time.

He doesnt live at home. What makes you think he does?

It's none of your business, he's a grown up. I can see why you don't like it though.
He's not cohabiting or married and there are no kids involved, he doesn't live with you, he won't appreciate his mum interfering.

This!

Contrary to most other posters I think you should tell her.

He made you involved in the deception by having the other girl around at your house. He is also making you involved by expecting you to lie for him by not saying anything when you take the GF to the airport. It would be different if you didn't see the GF at all and didn't have anything to do with her, and if he cheated away from your home and you didn't know about it, but that is not the case here, and he can't expect you to keep his dirty secrets for him in front of the GF especially if this conflicts with your personal values. Maybe a compromise is that if he doesn't want you to tell her then he can't bring her round to your house anymore and you won't be taking them to the airport for their holiday as you can't be expected to lie by omission to her face.

If you did tell her maybe it will also teach him a lesson to not be a cheating rat. His GF will also be grateful in the long run to you for telling her.

I agree with all of the above.
Also, I really hope that this is a catalyst for OP's son to have a very serious think now about the sort of man he wants to be, and how he behaves in supposedly committed relationships. If he does continue the relationship with his girlfriend/ possible future wife/ mother of his children, does he see himself cheating on a regular basis every time the opportunity arises? Does he really want to build a relationship with deception and lies at its heart that would eventually lead to divorce and hurt to his future children?
It seems that OP's son isn't ready or mature enough yet to be in any sort of committed relationship and certainly shouldn't be moving in as planned with his current girlfriend. I somehow doubt that he will recognise this himself at this stage, but hope OP and her DH will be able to help him see this, so at least something positive can come out of his current self serving and despicable behaviour. A previous poster likened the situation as being like ordering a takeaway, and this is an excellent analogy.

Well he shouldn’t have shagged his side piece in his mums house in that case.

@ErsBears I absolutely would tell her myself before the holiday.

I would not want to live with the chance that he could pass a STD to her.

She is entitled to this knowledge so that she can decide for herself whether or not she wants to take that risk.

I wouldn't actually trust him to tell her after that behaviour either. I would also be concerned that it wasn't the first time he has cheated.

It's her house.

Yes. The sooner the wronged lady knows, the sooner this fake relationship is over and the wronged lady can find someone who genuinely loves her, instead of wasting her life on a cheater.

the son will hopefully learn an important life lesson not to cheat behind a woman’s back that he claims “he loves” and whom he lives with in her house.

I assumed guys learned this important lesson in their late teens/early twenties. As I said before, actions have consequences.

Reading posts properly would have rectified that

Hopefully your son will
do as he has said and will tell his girlfriend before they go on holiday.
Not sure I believe he’s only just downloaded the dating app, it seems very odd that he would randomly do it and I think it’s probably part of a bigger picture or regular online scrolling if not actual meets.
Like you I would be so disappointed and I would also tell my son to fess up or I would tell her. He involved you by using your house, he could have booked a hotel and carried on his grubby little ways and you would have been none the wiser, but you witnessed what was going on so it’s made you part of the lie.
Its totally different randomly finding out someone is cheating 3rd hand, in that case I’d keep my nose out but it happened in your house, you saw her leave by taxi and your Son was practically in the buff..

OP, I’m really shocked how many people are saying it’s none of your business, if it wasn’t in your house you’d be none the wiser etc. The fact is it was in your house! You have a relationship with him and his gf and I think your stance is totally understandable. He didn’t just meet someone and get carried away, he downloaded a dating app and took what sounds like the first opportunity he’s had to cheat in a way he thought no one would find out about. He hasn’t seemed sorry - only annoyed to be caught, annoyed to have to pay for the OW’s taxi and annoyed to be told he has to take responsibility. And the responses saying they can’t believe you wouldn’t stand by your son?!

No wonder so many men cheat if all their mothers will cover for any shit thing they do!

@ErsBears This would also make me think it was preplanned/premeditated and not some spur of the moment thing, which is even worse.

It's not your business and it's his home too so keep out of it, it's nothing to do with you!

HE DOESN'T LIVE WITH OP.

Why can so many people not read!!!

It’s not his home, it’s OP’s. He doesn’t live there - was just dog sitting.

I don’t think anyone is excusing his behaviour, just your reaction to it.

He's treated his girlfriend atrociously and put you in a very awkward position. Tell him how you feel by all means, but leave it at that. If you tell her, you risk irrevocably damaging, or even destroying, your relationship with your son.

How rude. It’s easily done.

And yet another poster who can't read.

Well done OP on advocating for women. I think you're setting a great example to your son.

He doesn’t live with the GF, they were moving in together soon. I think OP has taken the right course of action by stepping back and not making either of them welcome in her home - that will hopefully signal to GF that something has changed, and she’ll ask questions. Shoot the messenger is very relevant here. If OP tells the GF she may lose her relationship with her son, and possibly both of them if they work it out and stay together.