My DS cheated on his girlfriend in my home

[ErsBears]

Hi, so DH and I were away staying with friends over new year, DS’s girlfriend had gone back to her home country to see her family and DS couldn’t as he had to work so I asked if he would be okay staying at ours to watch the dog, he said sure.
DH and I came home early as one of our friends has fallen ill and wanted some space, we went for dinner first then got a train and cab home at about 11:30pm. I didn’t pre warn DS as I didn’t really see the need to. When we got home he was in his room so I didn’t bother him but then DH realised we had no milk, nothing for breakfast and DH had a headache so needed some paracetamol. We have a 24 hour shop within driving distance and both DH and I had been drinking so I went to ask DS if he would mind popping out. I could see his light was on and hear the tv so knew he was awake. When I knocked on the door the first thing I heard was a girls voice saying “is that your mum”. He came the door in his boxers and asked why we were back early, I explained he told me he’d been drinking so couldn’t. Fine. I asked if his girlfriend was back early (I knew it wasn’t her as his girlfriend has a very identifying accent and it was clearly an English accent I heard).

Anyway he admitted he had someone else over, I told him that she had to leave, he booked her a cab and she left. I made it clear to him that either he tells his girlfriend tomorrow or as soon as she is back or I will tell her, I do not condone cheating. He tried to tell me he didn’t sleep with her but when I pointed out he was only in boxers he admitted he was lying. He said he would tell her but they have a holiday booked for next week (she gets back on Sunday, they fly out on Monday).

For context he’s 28, his girlfriend is 25 and they’ve been together for 2 years, they don’t live together but she owns a flat and he was meant to be moving in this year.

AIBU to be bloody raging and so disappointed that this is the man I raised? I am disgusted that he cheated and I think he needs to tell her before the holiday. We are meant to be picking them up on Monday morning to take them to the airport as it’s an early flight. I don’t think I can sit with her in the car and send her off on holiday with him knowing what he has done!

This thread has been such an eye opener.
A message to wives and gf’s that are being cheated on - your MIL knows but is not telling you as ‘not her business'

I can’t believe some of the responses on this post. So many saying it’s none of the ops business, he’s 28, leave it alone

and then you read posts on how someone has been cheated on by the boyfriend or husband and their friends and family knew and said nothing and a big pile of about cutting out said friends/family as they can’t possibly care about you

good for the op in not condoning cheating, which those saying it’s none of your business are, and shame on you

I would be absolutely fuming and tell him to tell her right now or I’d tell her myself. He clearly has no respect for you or your home if this is what he is doing the minute he gets some free time. I imagine it isn’t the first time he’s done it either.

What if he stays with and marries/has kids with this girl and she finds out and finds out you knew? You will forever be the evil mother in law- and if she stays with him you can kiss goodbye to any relationship with him as I’m sure you’ll get the blame!

Nope I don’t agree with people saying it’s none of your business. He should have thought about that before shagging someone in your house!

He has inadvertently involved you in his lie so therefore it has become your business by default whether you like it or not.
I think it is now your perogative to tell her....

We are very different people

And they don’t seem to understand the link between the enabling behaviour of mothers, and the behaviour of adult men. So depressing. But not surprising.

He’s lying to you about when he downloaded the app. We all know that this is what men do - they lie to their partners to cover it up. It’s so disappointing to find your son behaving like this and I would be the same as you. I would not tolerate this for the sake of all our daughters. Women of our generation put up with this and it gets condoned by other women due to internalised misogyny. It’s difficult for us to combat the influence of our culture on our sons which results in them not respecting women - but some of us keep trying and it’s important for men and women to call this out. Someone who cheats and uses dating apps doesn’t deserve a girlfriend and shouldn’t be allowed to get away with it. If people stopped condoning this kind of behaviour it would benefit all of us.

Aside from your sons relationship situation, the real issue for me is using your house as a shag pad whilst you're away - with a stranger. That's not OK. God knows what he told the girl.

I wouldn’t get involved if it was a daughter who had done it either.

The only way I would get involved in something like this is if any of the men or women were vulnerable or in danger. Other than that it is up to adults to make sure they have safe sex and to live by their own values.

Some of these replies....

YANBU OP. I'd definitely be telling her if he didn't,

People make mistakes🤣

A mistake might be a spontaneous drunken kiss on a night out. But he deliberately waited until he was staying at his parents’ house, as opposed to his own home where he lives with his girlfriend’s mates. He downloaded a dating app. Got talking to a woman. Invited her round (for a cup of tea and a biscuit?) Then shagged her. That’s more a series of ‘mistakes’ I reckon. Or what I would call ‘a plan’.

This would be my issue. Had not rtft but understand now that he found a random woman on a dating app? That’s just yucky. I would definitely have something to say in this circumstance.

Some people are hypocrites and don't care about any harm being done to others as long as it doesn't affect them.

Which they are free to do in their own time and in their own place. If you don’t want to get caught out having shitty values, don’t do it where someone else might see - and certainly not in your parents home. He was opportunistic and got caught - he shouldn’t expect his parents to collude in his deception, they can’t unknowingly what they know.

Could you honestly sit with your son’s girlfriend playing happy families when you know he’s cheated on her? Your values are very skewed.

All these people saying its none of your business are absolutely WILD

@ErsBears

Fully agree with you.
They are both adults and cheating?
They aren't married.

Agreed. And thank you for articulating that when I’m growing tired of repeating myself on this thread

Nah I’m with you on this one, it’s inexcusable behaviour of the son and you’re right to pull him up on it. If I was the girlfriend I’d have been pissed that everyone knew and played along for the sake of a holiday. And from a health perspective I’m guessing they’ll sleep together on holiday? What if this other person had an std?

For gods sake there are quite enough facts here which are not surmise. The op knows he brought the gf to Christmas because it was her bloody Christmas, not a story she heard from a friend. She knows they are still together and going on holiday, she’s supposed to drive them to the airport in her car. She knows her son is cheating because she walked in on him in her house. She knows he found the fuckbuddy on a dating app because her son told her. This is not a guessing game. This is not even if you hear hooves think horses not zebras, this is you heard hooves and the owner said we keep 4 horses and here’s one of them and showed you a horse which you looked at with your eyes and the owner said this beautiful mares name is Zelda. So you decided you’d seen a horse. The op knows entirely enough demonstrated facts seen with her own eyes and heard with her own ears to judge her son.

They’d deny it but most saying that probably have their own precious princes, who can do no wrong.

FIL was having an emotional affair with woman whilst still married to DH’s stepmum (having previously cheated with stepmum whilst married to MIL)

He came to visit us without stepmum and used a different phone to talk to other woman. The marriage was coming to an end but even then we told FIL we wanted nothing to do with OW until stepmum was aware, OW certainly couldn’t come to our house or meet DC. We also told him we wouldn’t lie to stepmum. DH wasn’t particularly close to stepmum so we didn’t speak to or see her separately from FIL (and they lived 5 hours away) so not being around her was easier than possibly for OP and GF, but we made it clear we were not going to be complicit in his lies. If we had been closer to stepmum or if the marriage wasn’t already rocky we would have told FIL he couldn’t visit again until everything was out in the open.

He eventually lived with OW and a few years later did exactly the same to her!

DC have had a succession of ‘grannies’

100%. You just know it.

I imagine you’d say the same if your husband cheated? 🤣. He didn’t make a mistake, he downloaded an app, brought a complete stranger into his parents home and then lied about it. That’s a lot of “mistakes”.

I know something about a friend’s now ex husband that I will take to my grave. And trust me I am usually a blabbermouth. I tell her everything. But at the time it happened I knew I would cause her more grief by telling her. I was proven right about this when I told her about something less controversial that he did later and she went into complete denial and hated me for it. I stay out of other people’s affairs unless as I mentioned before my silence would put them in mortal danger.

Op’s case is different due to the random stranger aspect. I think I would have to ask DS to find somewhere else to live in these circumstances. If he had his own place Mum would never have got entangled in his affairs, which she shouldn’t be.

The fact that he met this other woman on a dating app seems a pretty damning indictment to me, OP… Well done for telling him how disappointed in his behaviour you are.