My DS cheated on his girlfriend in my home

[ErsBears]

Hi, so DH and I were away staying with friends over new year, DS’s girlfriend had gone back to her home country to see her family and DS couldn’t as he had to work so I asked if he would be okay staying at ours to watch the dog, he said sure.
DH and I came home early as one of our friends has fallen ill and wanted some space, we went for dinner first then got a train and cab home at about 11:30pm. I didn’t pre warn DS as I didn’t really see the need to. When we got home he was in his room so I didn’t bother him but then DH realised we had no milk, nothing for breakfast and DH had a headache so needed some paracetamol. We have a 24 hour shop within driving distance and both DH and I had been drinking so I went to ask DS if he would mind popping out. I could see his light was on and hear the tv so knew he was awake. When I knocked on the door the first thing I heard was a girls voice saying “is that your mum”. He came the door in his boxers and asked why we were back early, I explained he told me he’d been drinking so couldn’t. Fine. I asked if his girlfriend was back early (I knew it wasn’t her as his girlfriend has a very identifying accent and it was clearly an English accent I heard).

Anyway he admitted he had someone else over, I told him that she had to leave, he booked her a cab and she left. I made it clear to him that either he tells his girlfriend tomorrow or as soon as she is back or I will tell her, I do not condone cheating. He tried to tell me he didn’t sleep with her but when I pointed out he was only in boxers he admitted he was lying. He said he would tell her but they have a holiday booked for next week (she gets back on Sunday, they fly out on Monday).

For context he’s 28, his girlfriend is 25 and they’ve been together for 2 years, they don’t live together but she owns a flat and he was meant to be moving in this year.

AIBU to be bloody raging and so disappointed that this is the man I raised? I am disgusted that he cheated and I think he needs to tell her before the holiday. We are meant to be picking them up on Monday morning to take them to the airport as it’s an early flight. I don’t think I can sit with her in the car and send her off on holiday with him knowing what he has done!

I would absolutely tell the girfriend if that was me. Your son is a cheater and a lier no two ways about it. Ignore what people are saying and stick with your own moral code and tell her, you don't "owe" your son anything just because he is your son. What if he has picked up something from this other girl and this then gets passed onto his girlfriend and then she finds out you knew about it and could have prevented it by warning her and to be honest how do we know this is the first time he has done this? This is only the first time you have caught him. Can't believe people are trying to downplay your sons cheating, cheating is cheating full stop. You want to be with someone else then by all means do so but break up with the person you are with first! There are no excuses and reading some of these comments trying to make excuses for him just beggers belief.

Than goodness for people like you, OP. I agree with every word.

On the one hand, he's a 28 year old man and his relationship is none of your business. On the other hand, he is your son and he is living in your home.

Now maybe you have the mature, mutually respectful, equally contributing relationship of adults sharing a multi-generational home together, but that is rarely (never) seen on MN. It would require an interesting conversation about agreed values in a house-sharing situation.

More likely, you are subsidising his life: doing chores, providing comforts, paying for him in some ways; enabling him to have the kind of life where he can kick back in comfort, shag a random pickup, then jet off on holiday with his long-term girlfriend the next day. That IS your business and is entirely within your control. If you are babying him in any way, I suggest you stop!

Of course inform his girlfriend - that's a matter of basic respect and care for someone who is a frequent guest in your home, who you also know and care about. It is for her to enact consequences for his dishonesty and cheating in their relationship. However it is for you his parents to force your son to grow up entirely, and to stop enabling his extended childhood.

Affection my arse!

All the 'stay out of it' brigade ... should Mum allow him to.potentially pass on an STI to said girlfriend?

People saying “he’s a grown man” etc. Yes he is, so treat him like you would any other adult man, and don’t collude with his cheating. Treat his gf like you would any other “grown woman”, with honesty and respect.

I don’t think posters are in favour of DS not telling her, but OP doing it is another matter.

He isn’t living at home. He came home whilst they were away to dog sit.

Thank goodness he has a decent mum. Well done for sticking to your guns and not making excuses for appalling behaviour.

If he loves her he has a funny way of showing it, why did he even download the app? That's besides the point I guess. Right now is about him doing the right thing which you are trying to get him to do.

Ah I completely missed that!

I’m sure most will disagree but I think you’ve done the right thing. How many times do we read on these boards about a man behaving appallingly and his family - often the poster’s family for many years - taking his side as if she doesn’t mean anything? Tacitly condoning the man’s behaviour no matter how bad it is.

Your son isn’t a teenager who had a drunken snog/shag while his girlfriend was away. He’s a grown man who brought a stranger into the bed he (presumably quite often) shares with the woman he’s about to move in with. It’s your house, you have every right to draw the boundary on who he brings into it.

It may be that he’s unhappy in the relationship and that this is his way of ending it, so be it - but you don’t need to be part any lies and he should know for future reference that you won’t.

I think you’ve done the right thing, even though it’s very hard, and if he doesn’t tell her then you’ll have to work out what to do next.

If I were OP I would be concentrating on getting him to have a heath check before sleeping with his GF again. The rest needs thought before action.

He isn’t living in op’s home. He was there to pet sit whilst op was away. He then used the opportunity of having his parents house to himself to download a dating app, chat to somebody and invite them round for sex. In his parents home. Not his home. He obviously couldn’t do this in his own home because he lives with his girlfriend’s 2 best friends and they probably wouldn’t be that impressed! I’m sure they wouldn’t keep it a secret either

I think what we are learning here is that mothers teach their sons that women are easily emotionally manipulated. "Don't say anything or you'll damage your relationship with your son." Posters are telling us that they would be prepared to be complicit in any bullshit their son engages in rather than be punished by alienation because she held him accountable. This is how shit men are made and its hardly surprising some of them view women with contempt when even their own mothers behave like a "pick me".

How is doing the right thing by yourself and others overbearing 😂😂 some of these comments are more crackers than Christmas

It’s her home, she has no reason to “warn” him she’s coming home. And no reason to think he’d have a woman at her home - how disrespectful irrespective of him being in a relationship. If a 28 year old man doesn’t have the decency to not use his parents home as a shag pad, it’s on him if he gets caught out.

I’d be absolutely appalled if my DS did this as an adult, such a lack of morals and yes I’d be telling the girlfriend if he decided not to. No wonder men behave the way they do when so many women are prepared to excuse and accommodate them.

??????

I assume he wouldn’t get full results of STI checks before going on holiday on Monday

I'm glad you've read him the riot act OP. Perhaps his mum being utterly disappointed in him will actually make him think about his behaviour.

I might be tempted to tell him about (an abridged version of) your experience of being cheated on and how it affected you. I'm not sure men always think about the emotional impact on their partner.

He thinks he's Austin Powers.

Erm....I said none of that. I said he isnt married to this woman! Never mentioned child support! I get OP is disgusted etc etc....and she has expressed that to her son......however he is an adult and should be left to sort his own mistakes out and deal with the consequences at 28 years of age.

The thinking should have been done before he downloaded a dating app, matched with someone, invited her to his parents house and fucked her. Lots of time for thought in that process. The only thinking needed now is how to break it to his girlfriend that he’s betrayed her trust.

It’s not honourable or noble to get a STI check before sleeping with his girlfriend. He needs to give her the dignity of informed consent.

I think I would have pretended not to have heard the girl’s voice in the first place. I would have stayed well out of it and let fate take its course. Your son’s lies would have unravelled at some point t. Or not. None of your business.

What? I have never cheated on anyone, nor would I. And I do judge people who cheat. You bet I do. OP is doing well and I admire her for her thoughtfulness and respect. Shame her DS didn’t take after her. Perhaps this is an opportunity to educate him - as PPs have said. Kathryn Ryan etc.

So many mothers who'd throw a young woman under a bus to save their precious, lying, cheating sons.

A story as old as time.