My DS cheated on his girlfriend in my home

[ErsBears]

Hi, so DH and I were away staying with friends over new year, DS’s girlfriend had gone back to her home country to see her family and DS couldn’t as he had to work so I asked if he would be okay staying at ours to watch the dog, he said sure.
DH and I came home early as one of our friends has fallen ill and wanted some space, we went for dinner first then got a train and cab home at about 11:30pm. I didn’t pre warn DS as I didn’t really see the need to. When we got home he was in his room so I didn’t bother him but then DH realised we had no milk, nothing for breakfast and DH had a headache so needed some paracetamol. We have a 24 hour shop within driving distance and both DH and I had been drinking so I went to ask DS if he would mind popping out. I could see his light was on and hear the tv so knew he was awake. When I knocked on the door the first thing I heard was a girls voice saying “is that your mum”. He came the door in his boxers and asked why we were back early, I explained he told me he’d been drinking so couldn’t. Fine. I asked if his girlfriend was back early (I knew it wasn’t her as his girlfriend has a very identifying accent and it was clearly an English accent I heard).

Anyway he admitted he had someone else over, I told him that she had to leave, he booked her a cab and she left. I made it clear to him that either he tells his girlfriend tomorrow or as soon as she is back or I will tell her, I do not condone cheating. He tried to tell me he didn’t sleep with her but when I pointed out he was only in boxers he admitted he was lying. He said he would tell her but they have a holiday booked for next week (she gets back on Sunday, they fly out on Monday).

For context he’s 28, his girlfriend is 25 and they’ve been together for 2 years, they don’t live together but she owns a flat and he was meant to be moving in this year.

AIBU to be bloody raging and so disappointed that this is the man I raised? I am disgusted that he cheated and I think he needs to tell her before the holiday. We are meant to be picking them up on Monday morning to take them to the airport as it’s an early flight. I don’t think I can sit with her in the car and send her off on holiday with him knowing what he has done!

Hi OP, I really love how principled you are and that you are trying to do the right thing. I wish everyone was like you. I think at this point whatever you do will be “bad” for someone. On one hand you can choose not to tell to your DIL and ignore the situation, but you will have to face her and think about it every single time, plus you might be disappointed with your son for being a cheater and not facing it. On the other hand, you could tell her, or “force him” to tell her and you son will be upset with you for some time but at least you will have a peace of mind. So you just have to choose the lesser evil

Bloody hell, I missed that post. Did someone really say that his girlfriend is with him for money because she is from another country?

This place really has gone to the dogs.

It is OPs business when he decided to cheat in her house!
I'm quite shocked that people are saying it's none of her business?
So she should drive her and her son to the airport is it? Play happy families!

Disgusting that cheating is being normalised.

Really surprised but the amount of boy mums here making excuses ..no wonder there so many shit men

OP, you are absolutely not being unreasonable to feel how you do, but you can’t tell his girlfriend without his permission - it would potentially destroy your relationship with your son. It’s horrible behaviour but you’ve acknowledged yourself that you know how it feels from personal experience and it’s triggered those memories. Don’t let those feelings cloud sight of what’s at stake with your son here.

What you can do (as you have already) is tell him how awful it is and that he should tell her. But you can’t hold a gun to his head or do it for him. I think you can say things like “I’m uncomfortable driving you both to the airport given I know what’s happened” (which is fair!) not “unless you tell her I’m not driving her to the airport”. If you haven’t already, tell him about your experience of being in this situation too. Yes it’s objectively shit behaviour from him, but hearing how it hurt you to be treated in this way might be a wake up call for him and help it land better. Be honest and say it hurts to think you’ve raised someone who could do the same to a woman, can he try to explain to you his reasons?

What’s hard now is the fact he’s said he doesn’t want to lose her & wants to continue the relationship. Ask him to think about why he did it and whether he actually does want to be in the relationship. Does he really think he can continue and be faithful? Only he can answer those questions, and all you can do is just try to steer him in considering the right questions.

Your point about informed consent is a good one (and comes from your own experience); but I think a good therapist would not automatically advise a patient that they must tell a partner about a one-off a mistake, IF it truly was a one-off mistake and not reflective of their feelings to their partner. Telling someone you’ve cheated to assuage your own guilt isn’t kind, especially if it isn’t an actual reflection of how committed you are to the relationship. Guilt often drives confessions and as such they come from a selfish place and just cause more hurt. I personally would rather not know if I my DH cheated if it wasn’t reflective of how committed they were to me, they regretted it and it was a one-off. Hearing it shatters the trust and is heartbreaking, even with that context, and it’s hard to move past. I don’t know if that helps.

Good luck, you sound like a really good mum OP and you haven’t done anything wrong xxx

I would also be very disappointed in my son OP and encourge him to be honest, I also understand why you are unhappy about having to interact with the GF knowing what has happened. I would also be cross about a 1 night stand in my house
However, my 1st loyalty would still be to my son

OP has every right to decide who is or isn’t in her house.

The amount of women who condone, excuse and support their sons' shitty behaviour disgusts me. Anyone who says they wouldn't get involved because their pampered little prince is a grown man should be ashamed that they raised men who have such a disgraceful lack of respect towards women. I would be as angry as OP. As the sister of a man who behaved like this & discovered that our dad knew, I lost all respect for both of them. Those who enable behaviour like this are just as bad.
And, yes, I would be just as angry if it were my daughter.

That is Exactly what I thought. It all becomes clear. They’d be the first to jump on other MN threads supporting a woman who’s been cheated on by a horrible man. But somehow, there’s no awareness of that link, is there.

I yhink.uouve done right OP and I'd be disappointed in DH for not standing up.

Quite frankly, it is everyone's business how our men behave, "boys will be boys" is our downfall. We should all be holding men accountable. Including other men. He's behaved disgustingly. He's taken the very first chance he's had to cheat on her. Hopefully he learns his lesson so quickly too.

Agreed 💯

I really admire you for this, there’s never a justification for cheating and even if there is (tried to resist but couldn’t blah blah blah), at least have the decency to say it happened and end the previous relationship then.

Even though it was a long time ago and was a lot younger my BF cheated on me when I was about 18, his mom really downplayed it and sort of gaslit me into thinking it wasn’t really cheating and he loved me really. I think she just didn’t want to get involved and wanted to defend her son, and I stupidly was young and in love and wanted things to work out. We split up when he cheated on me again and decided he wanted her instead and that ‘man’ is now late 40’s and has three different children with three different women and according to social media not involved in any of their lives.

I think going out to the pub with his mates, getting drunk and snogging a girl he crushed on at school can be a "mistake".

You can't mistakenly register on a dating app.
Mistakenly chat up a girl online and then mistakenly invite her to hook up at your mum's house. It is entirely calculated.

Thank you! This is what I would do too. There is never a good reason for cheating. If he had reasons not to be with her, he should have waited to end it with his girlfriend before finding a new one. This is not an excuse.

@GreenGodiva bussed? Are we all road men here?

This place is utterly nuts at times. Of course he should tell her, he’s a cheat, he is dishonest. He is risking his girlfriend’s sexual health. He’s shown total disrespect for his parent’s home. He’s now expecting them to be complicit in this lie while he goes off on holiday with his unsuspecting partner. Absolutely not. @ErsBears, I would feel exactly the same as you if my son did this and would expect him to own up. Being cheated on by my son’s father was probably one of the worst experiences and periods of my life. I’d be enraged if my son inflicted that on somebody. It doesn’t matter that he’s a “grown man”, he’s a bloody arsehole regardless. I hope you’re able to find a way forward

No-one would be to blame except himself.

You need to have an adult conversation, removing judgement as much as possible, purely because defensive people are never really receptive to listening. State the facts as they are:
You understand he is an adult and his relationship is his business, however kindness and honesty are not negotiable in your home, and his conduct has fallen well short of that. You are grateful he agreed to look after the house while you were away but you are now in a very difficult position and while you cannot force him to be honest, and you will not overstep within his relationship, you will be unable to be around his girlfriend until she is in full position of the facts. Then you leave the ball in his court because he is a grown man.

For what its worth, I know my ex's mum knew he had cheated on me (not in her home though, but she knew he wasn't home when he said he was after visiting an ex and it didnt take einstein to know he had stopped at hers) i found out very shortly after anyway, but i held no judgement or malice towards her. She was visibly put in a difficult situation by the poor behaviour of her son.

All wise mums keep out of their ACs’ relationships…I rant, often and plentifully, out of earshot.

Absolutely this and as the parent of a son, I’d be sickened if he did this and he’d get zero support from me. No wonder there are so many awful men out there.

Don't get involved. If she chooses to stay with him your relationship with both of them will never be the same.

I thought by the title it was going to be a teenage ds maybe 17 or 18. But at 28 he is a grown ass man bringing women back to his parents home so he can cheat - it says a lot about his character and is all a bit seedy and tragic. He should know better at nearly 30. We all do silly things as teenagers but his age makes it worse for me.

I wouldn’t blame you for telling the girlfriend but I do think for the sake of your future relationship with your son (which is your priority really) it should come from him. I can totally see why you are so upset and disgusted.

OP, people make mistakes. I don't think any of us should be sitting in judgement on others.
More importantly, this is about their relationship - it's not up to you to interfere, however much you disapprove.

I don't have children, but to answer your question,
yes, I could do it.

Maybe but he would likely blame OP if she were to take it out of his hands and tell the GF herself, and the relationship broke down as a result. I think OP has made the right decision. Stepping back from the relationship will signal to GF that something has changed and hopefully prompt her to ask DS what’s different.