My DS cheated on his girlfriend in my home

[ErsBears]

Hi, so DH and I were away staying with friends over new year, DS’s girlfriend had gone back to her home country to see her family and DS couldn’t as he had to work so I asked if he would be okay staying at ours to watch the dog, he said sure.
DH and I came home early as one of our friends has fallen ill and wanted some space, we went for dinner first then got a train and cab home at about 11:30pm. I didn’t pre warn DS as I didn’t really see the need to. When we got home he was in his room so I didn’t bother him but then DH realised we had no milk, nothing for breakfast and DH had a headache so needed some paracetamol. We have a 24 hour shop within driving distance and both DH and I had been drinking so I went to ask DS if he would mind popping out. I could see his light was on and hear the tv so knew he was awake. When I knocked on the door the first thing I heard was a girls voice saying “is that your mum”. He came the door in his boxers and asked why we were back early, I explained he told me he’d been drinking so couldn’t. Fine. I asked if his girlfriend was back early (I knew it wasn’t her as his girlfriend has a very identifying accent and it was clearly an English accent I heard).

Anyway he admitted he had someone else over, I told him that she had to leave, he booked her a cab and she left. I made it clear to him that either he tells his girlfriend tomorrow or as soon as she is back or I will tell her, I do not condone cheating. He tried to tell me he didn’t sleep with her but when I pointed out he was only in boxers he admitted he was lying. He said he would tell her but they have a holiday booked for next week (she gets back on Sunday, they fly out on Monday).

For context he’s 28, his girlfriend is 25 and they’ve been together for 2 years, they don’t live together but she owns a flat and he was meant to be moving in this year.

AIBU to be bloody raging and so disappointed that this is the man I raised? I am disgusted that he cheated and I think he needs to tell her before the holiday. We are meant to be picking them up on Monday morning to take them to the airport as it’s an early flight. I don’t think I can sit with her in the car and send her off on holiday with him knowing what he has done!

I only wish more mothers were like you. You are right to stand your ground and make him do the right thing. Hopefully he will learn not to be so disrespectful to his girlfriends or you again.

The amount that would cover for their son in this situation, and just not care that a young girl could be passed a disease or end up trapped with someone who cheats on them, is shocking.

I only hope they wouldnt get angry if their daughters recieved the same treatment from their boyfriends mothers.

I’m shocked at the lack of reading comprehension skills on this thread aside from anything else.

He needs to tell his girlfriend. It’s not up to his mother to do it. The responsibility for that lies with him. One thing you shouldn’t be doing is involving yourself in your child’s relationship.

If you hadn’t come back early you’d never have known. Keep out of it.

I don't think it's your place.

He shouldn't have done it in your home - and if he hadn't been looking after your dogs you wouldn't have known

I also think it was odd you didn't tell him you were coming back early - if only to give him a chance to tidy up!

You can talk to him but you shouldn't tell her.

What do you think the outcome of your relationship with your son would be if you did? (I would have a different view if they had children)

He's a twat but it's nothing to do with you.

Of course it is , its happening under her roof. When DSD was cheating on her boyfriend we made it clear neither boy was to come to our house as we weren't prepared to lie for her

yup this.
good for you having morals op. even though your son doesn't at the moment as he is thinking with his dick.

I wouldn't let any girl take the serious step of having a man move in with her, who is already cheating on her without letting her know first so she can make an informed decision. Whether it is my son or not. Before people pounce on me, that's my outlook, and others may have a different viewpoint.

Plus women having non consensual sex (because they can't give informed consent if they don't know about the cheating) is somethingevery woman should care about

Thank you OP for having morals and for looking out for the GF. I understand your disappointment in your DS’s behaviour, but good on you for telling him your stance on it. Hopefully he will learn from this.
My PIL turned a blind eye to all the times my STBXH took one night stands back to their house when he was with his GFs when he was younger. He then became a serial cheat and has ruined his marriage to me, leaving me and our DC heartbroken.
Who knows if they’d said or done more when he was younger, my STBXH might have grown into a better man.

Plus, if he stays with her, you’ll be having to look her in the eye for years to come. And then if he cheats again or she just finds out about this, and they split up, that would be an awful feeling to have to bear when you knew all along.

I won’t tell her, I’ll tell him we can’t drive him to the airport and I will not be around her until he has told her the full truth. What I will not do is pat him on the head and say “it’s okay son, I’m sure you had your reasons”.

Good for you, OP.

So confused by these comments as usually mn is full of people saying they wouldn’t stay friend with someone who was cheating on their partner, or blasting mum’s that keep their sons cheating quiet?

Id give my son a chance to come clean but I would not be keeping quiet about it indefinitely!

He’s disgusting. At 28 it’s not as if he’s some silly teenager who has made an error in judgement either. Much as it would gall me, it’s not your place to tell her. However nor would I be running them to the airport or being around her while withholding this information. I would be telling him this, which will make the relationship awkward because she won’t be able to come over to yours, which will eventually force him to either tell her or end the relationship or both which is the best thing for her.

I didn’t pre warn DS as I didn’t really see the need to.

Why?

And women - I presume - like you really irritate me. Absolutely no standards or loyalty to other women.

I understand that the "in your home" bit grinds, but otherwise, his choices regarding this matter are not your business.
You can tell him to keep his shenanigans out of your house and stay out of the rest.

Yep totally agree OP. Despicable - and arrogant disrespectful behaviour on the part of your DS. Just another typical unfaithful man, cheating lying and hoping to get away with it. Sorry you’ve discovered your son is one of them.

And he’s planning on moving into his GFs flat? Poor girl, she’d be moving in with a cheating pos. I bet he’s been planning it since you asked him to pet sit. They met on a dating app? Why is he on a dating app when he’s about to move in with his GF. What a prick.

Obv you can’t tell her - but he has to. Explain to him in detail why he has to - if he tries to avoid it.

Then she can make an informed decision based on the information she has. Imagine she’s had a great Xmas and looking forward to a holiday and moving in together. All along he’s been unfaithful and lying.

I've read your posts op. I feel for you and I agree with you. I always think we should call our cheating, and I think the fact that you're willing to do it in this instance really shows your ethical backbone and gives your son a good example of how to be a good person. It's so disappointing that he can say he loves ives his gf but was happy to download an app and cheat. He has a lot to learn, and your response to this is giving him an opportunity to really think.

OP, good for you. The world would be a better place if more parents made their sons take accountability.
Holidays, moving in together … this girls deserves to know she’s with a cheat, before she invests any more of her time or money.

Why does it matter? Yes, most people would text to say they’ll be home early, but it’s a side issue really.

Exactly. Agree 💯

Not loving the double standards of women here. Making excuses because he is her son. But if it was your husbands/boyfriends doing this you wouldn’t be making excuses. I am with you OP. I couldn’t stand by this at all. He 100% needs to tell her. And if he doesn’t then I would tell her or try to get him to at least break up with her if he doesn’t have the guts to tell her the truth.

I think you’d be doing the right thing telling her, regardless of if it is your son or not.
people need to learn these days that wrong actions have consequences and you can’t hide behind parents etc. he will just keep doing it otherwise!