My DS cheated on his girlfriend in my home

[ErsBears]

Hi, so DH and I were away staying with friends over new year, DS’s girlfriend had gone back to her home country to see her family and DS couldn’t as he had to work so I asked if he would be okay staying at ours to watch the dog, he said sure.
DH and I came home early as one of our friends has fallen ill and wanted some space, we went for dinner first then got a train and cab home at about 11:30pm. I didn’t pre warn DS as I didn’t really see the need to. When we got home he was in his room so I didn’t bother him but then DH realised we had no milk, nothing for breakfast and DH had a headache so needed some paracetamol. We have a 24 hour shop within driving distance and both DH and I had been drinking so I went to ask DS if he would mind popping out. I could see his light was on and hear the tv so knew he was awake. When I knocked on the door the first thing I heard was a girls voice saying “is that your mum”. He came the door in his boxers and asked why we were back early, I explained he told me he’d been drinking so couldn’t. Fine. I asked if his girlfriend was back early (I knew it wasn’t her as his girlfriend has a very identifying accent and it was clearly an English accent I heard).

Anyway he admitted he had someone else over, I told him that she had to leave, he booked her a cab and she left. I made it clear to him that either he tells his girlfriend tomorrow or as soon as she is back or I will tell her, I do not condone cheating. He tried to tell me he didn’t sleep with her but when I pointed out he was only in boxers he admitted he was lying. He said he would tell her but they have a holiday booked for next week (she gets back on Sunday, they fly out on Monday).

For context he’s 28, his girlfriend is 25 and they’ve been together for 2 years, they don’t live together but she owns a flat and he was meant to be moving in this year.

AIBU to be bloody raging and so disappointed that this is the man I raised? I am disgusted that he cheated and I think he needs to tell her before the holiday. We are meant to be picking them up on Monday morning to take them to the airport as it’s an early flight. I don’t think I can sit with her in the car and send her off on holiday with him knowing what he has done!

I'm quite torn on this one because I can understand why you are disappointed in your son and I wouldn't condone cheating either.

But I do think your DH is right and you're being weirdly overbearing. I also think you're on to a loser here:

He says he'll tell her. On their return from holiday he tells you he has done so, and that they have decided to stay together. Not an impossible or even unlikely scenario, but how will you know he ever did tell her?

If you tell her, she'll perhaps leave and he will probably project the blame for that on to you. But the alternative could be worse- if you tell her and they stay together, you'll always be a reminder of the bad thing that happened and you'll probably find your future DIL wont want a lot of contact once they've settled down.

He has to tell her before the holiday. He should tell her before she’s back. Do not drop them to the airport and partake in any of this. He will never learn otherwise!!

You are correct to have reacted the way you have in every respect OP. Very good of you to have been so decisive and clear about what you think is right and wrong.

But I just feel uncomfortable with …. You tell her before the holiday or I will.
I think it’s a step too far.

You have given him all the reasoning, details of the potential harm he could be causing, all the advice possible …..all in no uncertain terms. He’s well armed on every aspect of his stupid mistake.

Let him take it all in now and consider what he should do next and when and how …..decide either to tell her or live with his conscience.

Put some distance between you now and leave him to it. Neither you nor your husband should be driving them to the airport. Find an excuse or a change of plan or something.

The truth usually always comes out. She will know something’s wrong most likely. My feeling is that you don’t need to help it along any further.

Blimey there's some fickle people on Mumsnet. Women are only bothered if the man cheating is their husband but otherwise we must keep our oars out!

I think I would be grateful if that was my daughter and she at least had the knowledge so she could make an informed decision about the holiday and if she wanted to sleep with him again. Imagine if he doesn’t tell her, they go on to have kids, and he’s doing it again and causing heartbreak to her then. She’s 25 and I wouldn’t want my daughter wasting the best years of her life with someone who had such little respect for her.

It became everything to do with her when he cheated in HER house.

If he chooses to cut her off, it’s not because she’s done anything wrong.

I agree. But it depends on whether OP is prepared to risk that, and it’s a valid concern, worthy of consideration before she takes action. OP is in a difficult position whatever she does.

They're not married. They don't live together. What he's done is wrong but it isnt your business. You've let him know how you feel. Quite right. Now leave it.

He behaved like a scumbag and you're holding him to account. Good for you!

The fact that it's a dating app and he only connected with her that morning is even worse. He's planning on moving in with his girlfriend - to a flat that she's paid for outright. At this stage, they are potential life partners.

Everyone saying it's none of your business, he made it your business when he decided to use your home as a knocking shop with some random stranger. Play silly games, win silly prizes.

Stay out of it. None of your business and you risk alienating your son.

And the award for most overbearing, meddling mother goes to….

OP will be back in a few days with a post like “Son has cut me off AIBU”.

just awful

“It’s nothing to do with you” might come marginally closer to being true at the point at which OP’s son keeps it to his own house. Not actually true, but closer to it.

Keep out of it.

I very much doubt the girlfriend would want to either go on holiday or have sex with him if she knew. He needs to give her the choice. Maybe she can take someone else on holiday.

Sorry your son has dissapointed you this way OP. Really scummy premeditated behaviour- sees the chance to cheat and goes actively looking for it. It's not even that he met her in a bar when drunk. He saw the opportunity attached to the empty house (who even thinks like that unless they already want to cheat?) downloaded an app, found a girl, met up with her...there are so many stages at which he could have thought better of this. And would he have seen her again after? Will he?

I agree you can't be part of further deception if they stay together because how humiliating for his girlfriend if she finds out and realises you knew all along. Never mind the sisterhood aspect. All the women who suffer the deceit and hurt of being cheated on only to have it compounded by feeling a fool too. You have presumably known her two years and have some sort of relationship with her, I can understand you want to stop her being screwed over and well done for not letting the fact it's your son doing it cloud your judgement.

I would be really upset too OP.

I would definitely not be keeping my oar out. It’s not about interfering it’s about morals and integrity.

Plus I’d be gutted if my son did this.

Why exactly? For not wanting random women in her house?
For not wanting someone she knows and likes to be cheated on? Hurt? Possibly be given an STD?
For not wanting to be complicit in the cheating?
For not wanting to lie?

Yep, it would be awful to cheat on your girlfriend and then cut off your own mother. If that did happen, it would suggest he has no respect for women.

Luckily it seems he knows he was wrong, and has a good relationship with his mum.

Totally agree - no wonder women have such low standards when their own mothers think like this.

I would be livid in your situation - would feel so disappointed that my son thought that was ok

OP people like you really irritate me if I’m brutally honest. “I don’t know if I’m even capable of that” ffs. Alls you’re doing is just not opening your gob and inserting yourself into business that has nothing to do with you - not like you’re committing mass murder.

youve said enough now. I’m sure he’ll tell her himself. But if he doesn’t it’s absolutely nothing to do with you.

I understand how you feel OP. I discovered recently that my ex (we were together for 12 years), my son's father, cheated while we were together - he was screwing around for 2 years apparently - and his family knew. I guess they also thought it was none of their business but I hate them almost as much, especially when I think of them smiling in my face knowing full well what he was up to. I don't blame them, but I don't trust them and I have zero respect for them. It has definitely changed our relationship. Fortunately DS is old enough to contact them independently as I have no wish to be around any of them. I'm surprised at the 'he must have had a reason' narrative, especially when responses are markedly different when women post on here about their cheating husbands / partners - nobody says 'I bet he had a reason'! Not to mention the outrage and vitriol that women have received on MN when they have admitted an affair or to being the OW. The hypocrisy is staggering.

Did he even offer to wash the sheets or was he leaving that to you?

I think the son has behaved atrociously and the op is justified in her rage and indignation. She is right to express this fully.
However it is not her place to issue ultimatums.

He is an adult.

A scuzzy adult but an adult.

I would be telling DS I won’t lie for him. So if GF was to ask whether we knew if he had cheated I would not be able to say no.

The girlfriend’s health is at risk if she carries on sleeping with him and her financial security is at risk if he moves into her property as planned. Don’t alienate mummy’s little soldier though eh?

This place never disappoints. The number of posters MAKING UP possible scenarios for why the OP’s son might have cheated is insane.