My DS cheated on his girlfriend in my home

[ErsBears]

Hi, so DH and I were away staying with friends over new year, DS’s girlfriend had gone back to her home country to see her family and DS couldn’t as he had to work so I asked if he would be okay staying at ours to watch the dog, he said sure.
DH and I came home early as one of our friends has fallen ill and wanted some space, we went for dinner first then got a train and cab home at about 11:30pm. I didn’t pre warn DS as I didn’t really see the need to. When we got home he was in his room so I didn’t bother him but then DH realised we had no milk, nothing for breakfast and DH had a headache so needed some paracetamol. We have a 24 hour shop within driving distance and both DH and I had been drinking so I went to ask DS if he would mind popping out. I could see his light was on and hear the tv so knew he was awake. When I knocked on the door the first thing I heard was a girls voice saying “is that your mum”. He came the door in his boxers and asked why we were back early, I explained he told me he’d been drinking so couldn’t. Fine. I asked if his girlfriend was back early (I knew it wasn’t her as his girlfriend has a very identifying accent and it was clearly an English accent I heard).

Anyway he admitted he had someone else over, I told him that she had to leave, he booked her a cab and she left. I made it clear to him that either he tells his girlfriend tomorrow or as soon as she is back or I will tell her, I do not condone cheating. He tried to tell me he didn’t sleep with her but when I pointed out he was only in boxers he admitted he was lying. He said he would tell her but they have a holiday booked for next week (she gets back on Sunday, they fly out on Monday).

For context he’s 28, his girlfriend is 25 and they’ve been together for 2 years, they don’t live together but she owns a flat and he was meant to be moving in this year.

AIBU to be bloody raging and so disappointed that this is the man I raised? I am disgusted that he cheated and I think he needs to tell her before the holiday. We are meant to be picking them up on Monday morning to take them to the airport as it’s an early flight. I don’t think I can sit with her in the car and send her off on holiday with him knowing what he has done!

Thanks for chipping in.

And PPs making up scenarios of the potential damage to OP and her DSs relationship if she doesn’t MHOB.

Their relationship is damaged already, he damaged it when he brought a random woman into his DPs home for casual sex! Oh,
but if DS doesn’t like DM because she exposes his deceit, that’s worse?

PPs, I presume that if you were cheated on, you would prefer that people you knew, family members and friends did not tell you (I know being told can be as brutal as being cheated on, but one is better than the other).

I personally have never met anyone who would take this position. If anyone on here has, I am sure we would all be interested to hear how it went.

Or are PPs who advocate OP staying out of it, just thinking about protecting their relationships with the DSs? Son or not, who would want a fulfilling relationship with a man that does not respect women?

If you tell her and she dumps him, your son will blame you for the rest of his life. Snout out!

What a truly awful position to be in OP. Because on one hand you feel the need to do right by this young woman, but on the other hand, you occupy a unique position in your sons life. You are both his safe person who he would expect to keep his confidences, and the person who still feels some residual responsibility for ensuring he behaves well. Its a very difficult position to occupy without overstepping into being overly controlling of the life of another adult.
I've been thinking what I as a mother of two adult sons would do, and unfortunately have come to no real conclusion. So being a believer in 'when in doubt, do nowt' I think I'd keep my peace on this occasion. Though it would sit very badly with me.

Jesus, the amount of people on this thread telling the OP that it's none of her business. I guess they'd be fine if their own husbands cheated and his family all knew about him cheating and were all complicit in the information being held from them?

I'm sorry OP, it must be hard knowing that this is your son. You sound like you've brought him up well and are shocked that his morals clearly don't match your own.

It was her home. She can do what she likes. Come home when she pleases. She doesn’t need to tell anyone about that.

How bizarre.

I really feel that if you'd like to take part in a thread and offer your opinion you should read it.

The son does not still live with his parents.

I daresay someone has pointed this out to you already, but it bears repeating.

Just maturing into a typical male then, surely most of them would cheat given the opportunity and timing which he was clearly given. I’m not shocked in the slightest

I can’t believe people saying it’s nothing to do with the OP.

If the OP had caught her sons GF shagging someone else should she keep it zipped?
What if the son had returned home to find one of his parents bang at it with someone else. Is that nowt to do with him ?

But she can’t now because she knows. Is she expected to be friendly and smile at the gf and make chit chat all the while knowing what she knows? Hear about possible health problems and know that it could be because of her son’s scummy behaviour and say nothing? Watch him profess his love for her and let them move in together when she knows he cheated on her at least once?

Could you do it?

I’m with you on this OP.
Just because he’s a ‘grown man’ doesn’t stop you from being his parent and from holding him accountable for his poor actions.
Cheating on a long term partner is wrong, no matter how other posters might want to justify it. Also, this happened under your roof!
I’d be disappointed and ashamed if it was my son too.
I don’t think you should tell his GF yourself - but definitely don’t engage with the two of them as a couple anymore or offer any support with lifts to the airport etc.. until he has come clean to her.
Let’s just hope he is using protection if he is sleeping with multiple partners . He has shown he is capable of reckless behaviour so i’d also be questioning that.

Staying out of it as “this is not your business”is just enabling bad behaviour from men and as mothers, we need to set the standard of how women should be treated and respected.

Because it’s her own home and she didn’t dream for a moment that her DS would be shagging a stranger whilst staying there.

Op stick to your guns. It’s all a terrible mess but your son will learn from this. Maybe when things calm down have a conversation with him on why he was tempted to download the app. The thought of losing his girlfriend may be scaring him now but ask him to really think pass the emotions of guilt, grief etc and whether it was the right relationship? If it was then he is going to learn a lesson the hard way but you are 100% doing the right thing.

It's clear to me that he is out for what he can get. Very selfish.

He thought he had the opportunity to cheat without anyone finding out so he can continue presenting as a "nice guy". Which he isn't.

He doesn't "love" his girlfriend. He sees what she offers him - moving into her owned outright flat next year, and probably paying a pittance in rent or no rent. He probably would have dumped her or openly cheated if she had nothing he could benefit from.

I expect the girl he cheated with has been lied to as well. I imagine she believes he is single, that they connected and is hoping he will call.

If he doesn't tell her today OP I would. She owns her own place outright, has a good job and is doing brilliantly. I couldn't possibly let my conniving cheating son move in and ruin her life. She could potentially have children with him in future while he cheats.

If he regrets the consequences of his actions perhaps next time he would think twice before he ruins a good thing.

For those saying you should put your son first it seems to me that you have one chance to try to prevent him remaining a selfish cheat that leaves a trail of heartbreak for his partner and potential children.

I think OP needs to tell her son that she cannot lie, therefore she cannot see the girlfriend AT ALL.

It is not fair of son to put OP in this position... but neither is it really her business to grass her own flesh and blood up to his girlfriend.

The only solution is to say "I cannot see the girlfriend unless / until I know she knows"

I mean this kindly, but you need to back off and let him sort it out.

It’s HIS relationship and not yours.

Your disapproval is loud and clear (rightly so), but he is the one who has to do the right thing, whatever that may be, and not you, as hard as that is for you.

Really good advice.

Try harder. Put yourself in the shoes of the gf. Can you do that? What would you prefer to happen?

I thought your DS was about 16. Absolutely none of your business at 25! Can’t believe you threw her out.

You’re very welcome. Discussing stuff on a discussion forum. I’m all for it myself.

Weoo done OP on your stance. Your DS has admitted deliberately going onto a dating app while away from his gf's friends so he could do it in secret, while claiming that he loves his gf and doesn't want to lose her.

It's grim for him to do this in your house and to put you in this position.

She has a right to know what sort of man she is dating, so I hope he does come clean to her. I hope she dumps him. He clearly doesn't love her, if he did, he wouldn't be downloading dating apps for casual sex.

He might resent you from this, but he needs to learn a lesson.

I’m with you OP, I have three daughters and would like to think the men/women they end up with have good morals and/or a MIL with a conscience. What if he’s got an ȘTI, sleeps with his gf on holiday and passes it on? Thats worse imo

I would not tell the girlfriend, ultimately he's your son and you'd be betraying him by doing that. All you can do is tell him off and tell him to do the right thing now. Maybe share with him about the time you were cheated on and why youre so disappointed with him.

The moment the son brought the woman back to his parents home for sex, and the moment the OP found out - makes it her business. I doubt very much this is the first time the OP's son has cheated on his girlfriend either. It's just the first time he's been caught.

The OP is in a awkward position - she tells the girlfriend and she lets her son off the hook of having to do it himself, and take responsibility for his own behaviour. By not saying anything, then the girlfriend carries on blissfully unaware her boyfriend is a rat and the OP feels guilty.

I think the only solution is to say to the son, in front of his girlfriend 'Ryan, you have something very important to tell Vivian, don't you'. It makes him tell his girlfriend himself, but doesn't allow him to not tell her. The son isn't going to tell his girlfriend before or after going on holiday, he'll likely just avoid inviting his girlfriend over and hope his girlfriend and Mum don't cross paths.

However, the son and his girlfriend are planning on moving into her flat together, and she deserves to know the truth, so she can make a choice, whilst knowing the facts.

As a Mum I would be saying to him that he's clearly not happy with his girlfriend, if he's cheating on her as soon as her back is turned. He's doing neither of them any favours by staying together and for both their sakes to end the relationship. There's never an excuse for cheating, and he should have had the decency and guts to be honest with her. I would tell him, that as his Mum but also as a woman, I'm extremely disappointed in him.