My DS cheated on his girlfriend in my home

[ErsBears]

Hi, so DH and I were away staying with friends over new year, DS’s girlfriend had gone back to her home country to see her family and DS couldn’t as he had to work so I asked if he would be okay staying at ours to watch the dog, he said sure.
DH and I came home early as one of our friends has fallen ill and wanted some space, we went for dinner first then got a train and cab home at about 11:30pm. I didn’t pre warn DS as I didn’t really see the need to. When we got home he was in his room so I didn’t bother him but then DH realised we had no milk, nothing for breakfast and DH had a headache so needed some paracetamol. We have a 24 hour shop within driving distance and both DH and I had been drinking so I went to ask DS if he would mind popping out. I could see his light was on and hear the tv so knew he was awake. When I knocked on the door the first thing I heard was a girls voice saying “is that your mum”. He came the door in his boxers and asked why we were back early, I explained he told me he’d been drinking so couldn’t. Fine. I asked if his girlfriend was back early (I knew it wasn’t her as his girlfriend has a very identifying accent and it was clearly an English accent I heard).

Anyway he admitted he had someone else over, I told him that she had to leave, he booked her a cab and she left. I made it clear to him that either he tells his girlfriend tomorrow or as soon as she is back or I will tell her, I do not condone cheating. He tried to tell me he didn’t sleep with her but when I pointed out he was only in boxers he admitted he was lying. He said he would tell her but they have a holiday booked for next week (she gets back on Sunday, they fly out on Monday).

For context he’s 28, his girlfriend is 25 and they’ve been together for 2 years, they don’t live together but she owns a flat and he was meant to be moving in this year.

AIBU to be bloody raging and so disappointed that this is the man I raised? I am disgusted that he cheated and I think he needs to tell her before the holiday. We are meant to be picking them up on Monday morning to take them to the airport as it’s an early flight. I don’t think I can sit with her in the car and send her off on holiday with him knowing what he has done!

You are right, but you need to calm down and speak to him; find out what’s going on in his head.

He's a 28 year old man! Uts nothing to do wuth you!
You of course express your disapproval but offering ultimatums is beyond that.

Presumably at some point you hope your son will find his life partner, and they might possibly choose to have children together?

I understand your view if his relationships are still only very short. But if a GF is meeting you, that suggests things are getting a bit more serious for them?

And after the relationship lasts a year or so, this might well be your future DiL and your future grandchildren's mum. So, yes, you do have a vested interest in DS treating a long-term girlfriend with loyalty and honesty. Him using your home for a sneaky shag he found via an app, is hugely disrespectful.

I'd be very cross. The phrases "I thought I'd done a better job of parenting than this" and "I hope the dog didn't realise what you were up to. She'd be so disappointed in you too" would likely be said.

The things you can do are the things within your control. You can tell him that you no longer feel comfortable being around his girlfriend because of his lie and the hurt it will cause her. That means no more drop offs or visits. You can tell him there will no longer be any of his guests in your home. Then girlfriend will know something has changed and can ask him about it. But as an adult the ball is in his court to make the right decisions I'm afraid.

He actually downloaded a dating app in order to cheat. In that case I do think you need to tell his GF if he doesn’t as clearly he is not a good BF and thus is probably the not the first or last time this has happened. Very disappointing behaviour.

If it were my son I would be absolutely livid. I can’t believe the responses on here, so many women are fine to say LTB over the smallest things, but you’ve actually witnessed cheating and you’re being told to stay out of it. I would be forcing my son to tell his gf

You also wonder where they would draw the line in turning a blind eye and shielding their adult sons from the consequences of their own actions. If the woman got pregnant and he didn't want his girlfriend to find out? If she had been blind drunk and vulnerable? If they knew he committed sexual assault? If they knew he hit his girlfriend? If they found CSA on his phone or laptop?

OP I understand entirely about your feelings not wishing to be a party to deceit.
Many years ago there was an awful incident in which my father (divorced from my mother but remarried) used visiting me as a cover story with his wife to see another woman. As if this wasn't bad enough, on one evening he even brought this woman to my house to stay the night. I was in a very bad place myself at that time (depression, low self-esteem, etc) with 2 tiny children and my DH often away working a lot, and in addition I had a whole history of being unable to stand up to my father - but now I look back and think, why the hell did I let him get away with it and behave like that in MY home?

So I understand completely your disappointment with your son and advising him to do the right thing by his girlfriend of 2 years.

I know, quite an eye opener.

I was one in the MYOB camp. I think OP is right not to condone it, but it’s his responsibility to tell his GF, not his mothers’. I don’t think the MYOB posters are advising from lack of morals, but because something doesn’t sit right about this level of interference from a parent into the life of an adult child.

I would be insisting he get a sexual health check to protect her, and doing my best to convince him to come clean with her myself. But l think telling the GF herself is a step too far, and if they split as a result - which is likely - it could well damage OP’s relationship with her son. OP’s in a really difficult position, but this needs thought before actions.

Your son has been cruel and irresponsible. Of course, nothing excuses being unfaithful, but there can be reasons behind it- downloading a dating app is a whole other level imo, because he has planned to be unfaithful with some faceless other woman, and it didn't really matter who. I think I would have told him that he had to fess up.
However, he is your son, who has made a mistake and who will now face devastating consequences. Whilst I wouldn't make excuses for his behaviour, I would be really kind, supportive and present in the fall out from this. He's your child and and your relationship could be delicate because you've made the decision for him- I'd be working hard to make sure he knows you're there for him, and that it's the behaviour you don't like, not him as a person.

No wonder it’s impossible to raise the bar for men if their mummies continually drop it back down for them.

OP, this isn’t an opportune one night stand caught up in the moment (which is also not an excuse), he lives with his girlfriend’s friends so took the opportunity of being at yours and deliberately downloaded that app, invited the woman over. He might love her and not want to lose her but he has undertaken several deliberate actions to cheat on her.

If he doesn’t tell her, you should. However, I think you should still encourage him to do it, not only owning his mistakes but I think it’ll be better for her to hear from him. Further down the line she will appreciate you advocating for her and making your son accountable but I think in the moment it’ll add to the hurt. I would tell your son you will tell her if he doesn’t but you don’t want to because it’ll be humiliating for her to hear about her boyfriend’s infidelity via his mother. She won’t be able to have honest reactions if the news is delivered by her boyfriend’s mum. If he loves her, he can save her that humiliation.

whats your DH view in all this. Is he his dad?

It’s interesting how often this happens. Some mums will shout from the rooftops about feminism and how men should behave, but when it comes to their own sons, they’ll protect them at all costs. That just keeps the cycle going for other women.

In this case, OP seems to be standing firm and teaching her son an important lesson, which is great. But honestly, some of the responses here are shocking.

My brother once got caught cheating at my parents’ house.
Instead of telling him to come clean, my mum and dad told him not to tell his girlfriend! He later admitted that it really messed with his head and said he wishes they’d encouraged him to be honest at the time. It would have saved him a lot of guilt and confusion.

This is the right thing to do.

I admire you OP for standing your ground and having morals. Hopefully your son will think twice before cheating again. I would want to know. Good luck with it all x

There’s nothing wrong with my morals thanks very much. Just because posters are advising MYOB doesn’t mean they condone cheating. I don’t condone for a second what DS has done, but something about OP being the one to tell the GF just doesn’t sit right. OP is in a difficult position if she’s the one to tell and the relationship ends as a result, it could well damage her relationship with her son. In her position l’d be insisting he get a health check to protect her and doing my best to get him to confess.

From some one who did exactly what you are intending I suggest you find a way to keep quiet. I took your stance for the same reasons and told the girlfriend, they sorted things out and stayed together until she caught him her self. He is now married with kids , however my relationship with him is dyer. If I was in that position again I would tell son I do not approve and that he can not disrespect my home. But If I had realized I would risk my relationship with him and my future grand children I would have kept quiet as much as it went against the grain

I think it's the premeditated nature of it that makes it so much worse than him hooking up with someone he met on a night out after he'd had a few. It still would not be acceptable but at least he wouldn't have planned it. In this situation he downloaded a dating app just as soon as he had an empty house he could be unfaithful in. I think it says a lot about his character. Hopefully his girlfriend will end the relationship because I think he's the type to do it again.

This.

I should add to what I've said about my father above, that his wife had been in my life since I was 12 years old so I had known her 20 years - she was not a person I barely knew. So he was expecting me to collude in his deception of someone who was very much a member of the family

The people telling her to take action (including me) are not thinking of this as a Mummy interfering in her adult son’s relationship kind of way.

It’s more like a 28 year old adult has chosen to use OP’s house to commit infidelity on a young woman OP knows and cares about.

Because it’s happened in her house, she’s even less obligated to keep any secrets. If he chooses to cut her off, it’s not because she’s done anything wrong.

My DH cheated on me. Although ultimately we stayed together, my MIL knew and said nothing to suggest she disagreed with his actions. She actually met the OW and welcomed her into her home.

Oddly, that has been a LOT harder to get past than the cheating itself. Which I am well aware sounds crazy.

Please do as you plan, do not take him to the airport. He needs to see his actions have consequences.

‐--
As an aside, I recently discovered that when MIL had DH, she was an OW herself and his dad did not leave his first wife until some time later. She has spent 20 years complaining about his dad leaving her for an OW, when a. she knew what he was like and b. she is no better.
It helped make a lot of sense of the above though.

I’m with you op, you’ve got to know his gf for the last 2 years, I couldn’t ignore this especially happening in your own home.

But that’s his fault, not yours. The relationship is bad because he’s not a good person and he resents you calling him out for his appalling behaviour.