My DS cheated on his girlfriend in my home

[ErsBears]

Hi, so DH and I were away staying with friends over new year, DS’s girlfriend had gone back to her home country to see her family and DS couldn’t as he had to work so I asked if he would be okay staying at ours to watch the dog, he said sure.
DH and I came home early as one of our friends has fallen ill and wanted some space, we went for dinner first then got a train and cab home at about 11:30pm. I didn’t pre warn DS as I didn’t really see the need to. When we got home he was in his room so I didn’t bother him but then DH realised we had no milk, nothing for breakfast and DH had a headache so needed some paracetamol. We have a 24 hour shop within driving distance and both DH and I had been drinking so I went to ask DS if he would mind popping out. I could see his light was on and hear the tv so knew he was awake. When I knocked on the door the first thing I heard was a girls voice saying “is that your mum”. He came the door in his boxers and asked why we were back early, I explained he told me he’d been drinking so couldn’t. Fine. I asked if his girlfriend was back early (I knew it wasn’t her as his girlfriend has a very identifying accent and it was clearly an English accent I heard).

Anyway he admitted he had someone else over, I told him that she had to leave, he booked her a cab and she left. I made it clear to him that either he tells his girlfriend tomorrow or as soon as she is back or I will tell her, I do not condone cheating. He tried to tell me he didn’t sleep with her but when I pointed out he was only in boxers he admitted he was lying. He said he would tell her but they have a holiday booked for next week (she gets back on Sunday, they fly out on Monday).

For context he’s 28, his girlfriend is 25 and they’ve been together for 2 years, they don’t live together but she owns a flat and he was meant to be moving in this year.

AIBU to be bloody raging and so disappointed that this is the man I raised? I am disgusted that he cheated and I think he needs to tell her before the holiday. We are meant to be picking them up on Monday morning to take them to the airport as it’s an early flight. I don’t think I can sit with her in the car and send her off on holiday with him knowing what he has done!

Agreed. It's so calculated. He might as well tell her because he obviously does want out if he went so far as to download a dating app.

You’re doing the right thing. He brought this situation into your home - so he can’t now expect you to just behave as normal around his girlfriend and collude with him. He can make his own way to the airport if he decides he is going to lie to her. If he loves her as he says then he owes her the truth anyway and it’s the potential health consequences for her of not knowing.

You played this wrong, OP. If you'd come on here and said your DS had cheated and you were going to keep it under your hat you'd have pages and pages of posters saying you were unreasonable and should tell her. People like to be contrary. FWIW I think you're doing exactly the right thing and shame on your DS for stringing her along until after the holiday or her birthday or however long it'll take to tell her if he does it at all.

I'm with you OP, and I'm flabbergasted that people are defending your son's behaviour. Just gobsmacked. Obviously he's an adult and his choices are his own, but if he didn't tell his girlfriend he is absolutely making you and your DH part of his lies. Years ago, at a mutual friend's party, a good friend of mine confided in me that he had slept with a woman when he was in the process of buying a house with another woman. His current girlfriend was at the party and I was meant to be giving her a lift home the following day. I couldn't have driven for 3 hours in the car with her and said nothing, knowing that she was committing her life to my friend, that she trusted him and loved him. I told him he had to tell her before I drove her home, and he did. With that knowledge, she pulled out of the house sale, and the relationship. 11 years on she is happily married to someone else, and he is single. Your son must own his choices and you are right to insist that he tells his girlfriend. I imagine that all the people telling you on here that it's none of your business would react entirely differently if their daughter was your son's girlfriend....

Well he shouldn't have cheated on his girlfriend in OP's house.

Charming...

I think what a situation like this proves is that, regardless of their upbringing, some men will be men. It sounds like you and your DH have very strong morals and yet your DS has still done this. He saw an opportunity to cheat with (so he thought) no chance of being found out and no repercussions and he took it. It's pretty grim what's he's done.

I would be disappointed as his mum. But my concern would be that he thinks he is in love. Clearly he isn’t or he wouldn’t have downloaded a dating app. I wouldn’t be threatening to tell his girlfriend. My concern would lie with him and why he thinks he can behave like that. Clearly he isn’t mature enough to be in a long term relationship. I expect telling the gf will end that anyway. His values and morals are clearly different to yours op.

x100

Youth?! He's 28, not a child.

Sadly, OP, I think this was probably not the first time he's cheated. What are the chances that he just out of the blue decided to 'have a look' on a dating app and then ended up with a woman in his bed that same night? He's done this before or at least been looking which clearly means he does not love his Gf.

I'm glad you caught him. Don't allow him to spin a yarn for sympathy and to get away with it. Well done for upholding your morals 👏

He's a 28yo adult downloading apps for hookups while living with his gf. It's not just some boyish mixup.

You're absolutely right.

I was with you until this post. Your DS sounds like a creep, and lying to her friends too so not to get caught! He needs to dump the GF and sow his oats before being grown up enough to have a LTR

Yes this OP. Agree with you whole heartedly.

if in general people don’t get involved when men bad wronged a woman, it will keep on happening.

He needs consequences, which are most likely the loss of his relationship. The woman he supposedly loves but not enough to keep his dick in his pants whilst she visits family for a few days.

and no doubt, sadly, this wasn’t his first time OP. He knew exactly what to do didn’t he.

You may well find the relationship isn’t what it appears and he may be really unhappy. Whatever is going on he should have ended it before sleeping with someone else but my concern would be that he says he doesn’t want to finish with her, so he’s obviously not going to tell her. Sometimes our children disappoint us but they don’t have to live up to our expectations and we can’t live their lives for them. Every cheater we read about on here has a doting mother who would never have thought her child would behave like this. All you can do is distance yourself like you’ve said until he tells her. Although I’d be expecting that ‘until’ probably won’t happen. He’s already told you he doesn’t want to tell her.

I'm surprised how many people are saying it isn't your business OP! I could never stay quiet about cheating, especially against someone I knew and presumably had a relationship with. If your son didn't want anyone else involved, he should have been more discreet shouldn't he? He's already involved you, by being stupid enough to get caught; I'm sure you would rather have not known.

Also, waiting until after a holiday is an awful reason to not tell his girlfriend!! So what, he can have sex with her for a few days, that she probably wouldn't have consented to, if she knew what had happened?! Making her feel more betrayed? Potentially even giving her an STI, if she believes they are exclusive and so aren't using barrier protection? Your son has already ruined his own holiday - he should have kept it in his pants if he was that bothered about it, until they came back. If he was not sleeping with her because she was busy studying for an important exam or driving test or whatever, I could see an argument for delaying telling her until after the exam or test. But absolutely not when he's planning on going away with her, it's more important than ever.

Actually I think it's outrageous he's asked you to lie, on top of everything else! How dare he expect to put you on that position! I would never ask that of my parents (and they wouldn't entertain it).

He didn't accidentally fall into this woman's vagina. He made the decision to download an app. So he already intended to cheat given the opportunity. Then looked on the app, then swiped or however it works, then invited her over. What was he telling himself whilst all this was happening? That there is no way his girlfriend could find out?

What if she became pregnant from this one night stand? What if he got an STI? Was he planning to get tested or just have sex with his girlfriend and risk her health and future fertility?

I am really pleased you have pulled him up on this OP. My friend caught chlamydia from her boyfriend. Turns out his previous girlfriend of 4 years had cheated on him and he had no idea. She was lucky she had symptoms, got tested, boyfriend got tested then they had to contact their exes to tell them.

I'm surprised by the replies on this. I imagine they be different if the gf was posting about bf mum knowing.

Unfortunately there are a lot of deceitful men out there and no mum.wants a part in raising another one.

If my ds gf knew I knew of a affair it would crush her. I do think he has to tell her. You don't need to defend him. Where would you draw the line on 'none of business?' Engagement? Marriage? Kids? Is it OK to cheat not when they are living together?

In real life most women would say it's not OK to cheat ever. Poor girl. Op you have your head on right.

Totally disagree with this! I think it’s a
little to late to teach this grown man anything. He made an asserted decision to do what he did. He owns his own decisions. He made that
clear when he went on the dating site.

Did you not pick up on the fact that this is not just about him. OP is shocked and disgusted, GF has been put at risk of an STD, and that’s just for starters. What about the hurt and trauma for them. While grown man, gets off lightly by being given the opportunity to learn what it is to be an adult. He is an adult!

We mothers need to stop protecting DSs that do this.

He will blame OP either way. I see it so differently from you. OP saying nothing allows him to sit in his ignorant little victim space and lick his wounds. He suffers no consequences, he takes no responsibility. His only concern is that he got caught. He will cheat again, not grow up from this. Quite naive!

You sound like a great mum to be so clear that you expect more of him.

He “hadn’t thought of that” is really telling, it sounds like he didn’t think at all. He has made a bad judgement error, but so many young people do. He could have driven drunk and crashed his car, or made a mistake at work and lost his job. He had the chance to cheat and did it, he’s far from unusual, and it’s not your fault.

Have you seen Katherine Ryan talk about cheating? She generalises that by the time women cheat, we’ve already checked out of an unhappy relationship for 18 months but that “every man is one stupid mistake away from exploding his whole life.”

Your son is still focusing on the fact he got caught. Reframe the lesson as a positive one: it might cost him this relationship, but it could save his marriage and his kids’ futures. Get him to imagine this happening once he’s married to the love of his life, house, kids, shared finances etc and not just a week’s holiday on the line.

because it was in OP’s house. because she has a relationship with the girlfriend. you do have an idea why 🙈

Ignore this entirely OP. I’ve seen this poster post ridiculously harsh and quite frankly destructive posts on this thread (including my own)... some have been deleted/reported.

Does it make you feel good to be unpleasant PollyBell?

@ErsBears am so sorry you are in this position. I can’t imagine the disappointment and shock you are feeling at discovering that your son could be so calculated in his deceit and disrespect - of both his parents and his girlfriend. I’d be more than raging, I’d be gutted that a child I had raised could be so lacking in morals. I’m not sure I could look at him or have him in my house for quite a while. As others say, this is the behaviour of someone who will cheat on boys holidays, work trips and his stag night - he was without his GF for less than 48hours before downloading an app - just how despicable is that? And what does it say about his attitude to women.

It’s not just the relationship with his GF he has to rebuild (or end) but his relationship with you too.

I'm with you op .

So have I...