My DS cheated on his girlfriend in my home

[ErsBears]

Hi, so DH and I were away staying with friends over new year, DS’s girlfriend had gone back to her home country to see her family and DS couldn’t as he had to work so I asked if he would be okay staying at ours to watch the dog, he said sure.
DH and I came home early as one of our friends has fallen ill and wanted some space, we went for dinner first then got a train and cab home at about 11:30pm. I didn’t pre warn DS as I didn’t really see the need to. When we got home he was in his room so I didn’t bother him but then DH realised we had no milk, nothing for breakfast and DH had a headache so needed some paracetamol. We have a 24 hour shop within driving distance and both DH and I had been drinking so I went to ask DS if he would mind popping out. I could see his light was on and hear the tv so knew he was awake. When I knocked on the door the first thing I heard was a girls voice saying “is that your mum”. He came the door in his boxers and asked why we were back early, I explained he told me he’d been drinking so couldn’t. Fine. I asked if his girlfriend was back early (I knew it wasn’t her as his girlfriend has a very identifying accent and it was clearly an English accent I heard).

Anyway he admitted he had someone else over, I told him that she had to leave, he booked her a cab and she left. I made it clear to him that either he tells his girlfriend tomorrow or as soon as she is back or I will tell her, I do not condone cheating. He tried to tell me he didn’t sleep with her but when I pointed out he was only in boxers he admitted he was lying. He said he would tell her but they have a holiday booked for next week (she gets back on Sunday, they fly out on Monday).

For context he’s 28, his girlfriend is 25 and they’ve been together for 2 years, they don’t live together but she owns a flat and he was meant to be moving in this year.

AIBU to be bloody raging and so disappointed that this is the man I raised? I am disgusted that he cheated and I think he needs to tell her before the holiday. We are meant to be picking them up on Monday morning to take them to the airport as it’s an early flight. I don’t think I can sit with her in the car and send her off on holiday with him knowing what he has done!

In your position op, I’d feel exactly as you do. I’d be raging and so disappointed. And his “explanation” this morning would have done nothing to reassure me about who he really is. He doesn’t want to tell her because he “loves her and doesn’t want to lose her”? Perhaps he should have thought of that before sticking it elsewhere??
This wasn’t a case of a drunken fumble after one too many, this was planned, premeditated and calculating. In your home no less, because that’s where he thought he could get away with it? With no thought of the risk he was taking with his girlfriend’s health???
I am sorry op, but he sounds like a weak man, lacking in morals and character. A liar and a cheat, with a whiff of cock lodger about him too. It really would affect my view of him because I think treating people you claim to “love” in this manner is abhorrent.
His choice op, no reflection on you at all and all you can do is express your disappointment and refuse to collude in this abusive behaviour.

How is that anywhere near the same thing?

Presumably OP has some kind of relationship/friendship with her son’s GF of two years?

It is almost funny how keen people are to excuse this.

'Maybe he fell over and his clothes came off on the way down'

I'm with you, OP. He's put you in a rotten position, and he's been duplicitous. You can't tell him what to do, but you equally dont have to pretend you're okay with it.

Agree. He's putting her at risk otherwise

Can't believe all the apologists for cheating on this thread. Grim. ..

Although I kind of guess it explains why my exH family all rallied round him when we split even though they had all witnessed him being abusive to me. .

Op is being far kinder to her son by setting strong moral boundaries

My son is early twenties, there is no way I would condone this behaviour and I would make clear that if he doesn’t tell her within 48 hours then I would. He is taking away her decision-making in her own life and health, and this is unforgivable.

Your son is nearly thirty!! Tell him to grow up.

OP, you are right to insist your son be honest. I am really disappointed in how many women on here seem to think you should be complicit in his deceit. Women who would no doubt be horrified if their partners cheated on them and others stayed silent.

When I was about your son’s gf’s age, my boyfriend cheated on me. I found out nearly a year later and it was devastating. It was so hard knowing that all of those months of falling more deeply in love and planning for a future and sleeping with him etc, were predicated on a lie about who he was and what he was like. I hated that it felt like he had removed my free choice to do those things. It made getting over it so much harder.

It was also devastating to realise that a couple of others knew and said nothing. It made it even harder to trust again. And if she does find and out forgives him, but finds out you knew and did nothing, your relationship with your potential daughter-in-law will be tarnished. I can’t believe you are ok with your son going on holiday with her, without her knowing.

Yes I think this is the best solution. If he wants to lie to her sadly that's his choice, but if/when she does eventually find out she'll feel betrayed by you as well if you just carry on as normal giving them lifts, having her round etc. I'd tell your son you'll tell her if he has her around you, that should focus his mind! Ultimately it is probably better if they break up as she deserves better and he needs to grow up but you can't actually tell her yourself.

I picked upon on the cab part too. Had sex with her after meeting over an app, but resented paying for her to get home safely..

This man sounds revolting. I would hate for either of my dd's to end up with someone like this. A cheap, opportunistic cheat who clearly has a low opinion of women in general.

I really really hope the young woman finds out because I imagine this loser isn't going to do the decent thing, as he sounds incapable of being decent.

OP, he's behaved terribly badly, but the reason you need to stay out of it is he needs to clean up his own mess, and if you get involved, you are somewhat absolving him of the responsibility of doing so by taking it on yourself. And the responsibility for his relationship lies with him, not you. He won't learn anything if you intervene, other than "my mum will do the hard stuff for me when I fuck up". He needs to understand the consequences of what he's done by sitting with his own feelings and deciding what he wants to do from here. If you interfere, he will be able to blame you and not himself for the consequences. And these are his to bear.

Part of being an adult is owning your feelings and your fuck ups, he has to be the one to have the conversation with the girlfriend - either by owning up, or admitting he's not fully into the relationship and breaking it off so he can be single and go on the apps if that's what he wants.

I totally get it is difficult and uncomfortable to know this and not say anything. I have sons, and I'd find it extremely hard too, because like you I've brought them up to behave respectfully towards women. But there is a learning experience, possibly a hard and painful one, he needs to go through here. You can point him in the right direction, advise, support, express your disappointment, but don't do it for him.

I really think this is 100% what you should do. You definitely can't carry on as normal knowing what you know. He needs to tell her especially if she is planning having him move in. He is also risking her sexual health which is inexcusable

I’d be furious too.

I 100% agree. He is nearly 30.

OP I would give him a deadline and then tell her too.

It wasn’t a slip up - it was premeditated. He saw an opportunity of a free house where he thought nobody would “catch” him. He “bussed in a hole” as a PP put it. And was even annoyed to have to get her a cab home?!

And the worst bit is that now he is saying he wants to stay with the GF and “loves her” well she needs all the information to make an informed choice now.

Thing is - this might not be the first time. There is a risk of not only passing on STD to his gf, but also the woman he cheated with, and if she wasn’t the only one any other woman. the woman he had at the house may not have known he had a girlfriend.
he should inform them so they can get tested and he should also get tested.
hopefully he will take responsible actions speak to them and not leave you in this awful position.

Yes! It's obviously all OP's fault for driving back to her own home without letting her DS know so that he could hide all evidence of his cheating. OP is the bad guy here and her son has been treated really badly. Surely no decent mother would be shocked and upset about him having sex with another girl in her home when really she should been patting him on the back and saying 'never mind son, boys will be boys'.

To return to reality, I feel very sorry for any partners of your kids as you will obviously support your adult children no matter how awful their behaviour towards their partners.

Honestly I think people make up excuses for their kids all the time, its so refreshing to hear a parent not do that!

You are in an awkward position and I would also struggle to not say anything. I was cheated on and its awful.

People don’t change unless they suffer consequences. If you help him cover it up then he’ll always behave this way. I’d tell her now before the holiday. Otherwise that isn’t fair to you. I hope your son is safe and doesn’t pass any stds to his girlfriend.

No wonder there are so many cheating scumbags about, when their doting mothers worship them.

he downloaded the dating up in the morning and he wasn’t actually expecting anything to happen, I asserted that’s beside the point.
I told him he really has to tell his girlfriend as he’s taking away her right to have informed consent, and putting her at risk of STDs. He admitted he hadn’t thought of that but he doesn’t want to tell her as he does love her and doesn’t want to lose her

This reflects very badly on him. I would be really disappointed if my dc behaved in this way and would tell them so. I’m so thankful @ErsBears that some mothers of sons are trying to raise men to have respect for women and to see us as people, but it’s quite dismaying that even in such a household, you get a young man who thinks it’s his prerogative to fuck around if he feels like it. Well, thanks to you he should now find out about consequences.

Hopefully he will learn a salutary lesson, but if his belief is that he had the right to plan an infidelity the moment he had the opportunity, I’m not sure getting caught will serve to teach him. Maybe it will. But that premeditation would worry me.

You know all those “my ex is an arsehole and MIL is enabling him in his abuse/cheating/not paying child support etc”?

Now we know who the MILs are.

Cheating is NOT a mistake. He CHOSE to use a dating app. He CHOSE to invite a girl over. He CHOSE to have sex with the girl. He is ina 2 year relationship and obviously has no morals whatsoever (like an awful lot of the posters here it would seem)

I had the same. They all saw it. Some said they thought his behaviour was “awful” and “terrible” and “shameful” (but only said that to me, they didn’t have the balls to say that to him!) and basically left me trying to figure it out. So I grew balls and left him. Some were even “disappointed in me” that I didn’t give him another chance!! Chance number 347? He was on paid dating apps whilst married and was abusive. And they turned their backs on me effectively and did nowt about his poor behaviour. It destroys you because you feel betrayed ten fold.

He doesn't live at home. Read the OP's posts properly

Quite

She's incredulous because the normal MN position is that you always SHOULD tell the injured party if you find out that someone is cheating.

I have no idea why the consensus in quite a few posts is exactly the opposite unless it's because he's a kid in their eyes and some mothers apparently have no standards for their kids and forgive them anything

I'm interested in the opinions that this is none of OPs business because her son is an adult. If a friend or relative had walked in & found OPs husband cheating on her would it be correct to keep the information from her because, after all, her DH is an adult?