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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Our lives being run on partners mother's life!

113 replies

Elephant788 · 31/12/2025 18:26

So my partners mother lived with us for 4 months after lockdown and she gave everyone so much hell, from refusing to wash and only agrees to wash every 4-6 weeks. That caused such a stench. I wad expected to guve her a shower myself whilst I was in early pregnancy, and that meant lifting her etc as she had a stroke few years back.
All that was not appreciated, she used to curse me like butter wouldnt melt, She would be verbally abusive and called me and my grown up daughters names. I spent most of my days in tears and suffered.so much stress at her hands. I lost that pregnancy. My Partner would say well shes old and shes angry because she had a stroke.
Fast forward..., she moved out and lives in a bungalow 20mins walk away - she has now been diagnosed with dementia. Here is the issue -My Partner is in seriously in denial about the dementia to be point where even if her mobility is poor, poor memory, can't make any decisions, always falling in that bungalow (ive now refused to go and manually lift her up), shes incontinent of urine and faeces but he refuses to entertain any talk of a home at least to give her quality of life. She has Carers 4.times a day but she refused washes and still smells badly.

For context when I met my Partner he moved in my house and am a sole owner. I feel that he doesn't want his mum to go in a home because he'll lose inheriting her house when she dies as the Council would expect it to be sold to cover the care.
We were with her at Xmas and id booked a meal out. I paid £480 for the meal and my Partner didnt even offered to go halves. His mother wanted to pay something and he kept saying to her mum its already been paid for - I asked him why he was saying that as it hadn't been. She was kicking off in the restaurant, wet herself and was parting so loud and laughing about it...

Now we were suppose to eat at our local pub tomorrow for New Year day lunch but my Partner has now cancelled this late this afternoon, because she is still kicking off and if we went alone ( I have a 20 year daughter from my first marriage and two girls with him 6 and 4), apparently she'd miss out! So we cant go. He was meant to be paying for that, so thats cancelled.

Instead he says he is bringing her here to the house and he will cook!

AIBU after all I've been through to feel like my life is now determined by this woman and now shes ruined Xmas and now ruining New Year too?

Can I refuse for her to come and ask him to go be with his mum for New Year lunch. Normally I wouldn't mind supporting him with her but she's not a nice person. Even her neighbours don't speak to her so shes very lonely.

Thanks for reading and allowing me to rant❤️.

Am on the verge of thinking about splitting with him and asking him to leave but I dont want to raise kids alone when he's out there but the situation with his mum is draining and he gets very anxious and gets all over the place which affects the dynamics here.

Basically she rules and dictates what happens to everyone. I equally blames him too! Do I ask him to move in with his mother so I can breathe? Ive suggested this snd he refuses claiming he loves me🙄

Don't ask about love please,it doesnt matter t

  • the issues are summarised above

Thanks again if youve read this far Xx

OP posts:
HermioneWeasley · 31/12/2025 18:37

You would be unreasonable to let this man and his unreasonable mother spoil your life for another minute. Kick him out and he can care for his mother if he didn’t want her to go to a home. You have one life, please make yourself happy

Fluffyholeysocks · 31/12/2025 18:42

Take your girls out for something to eat and let him cook.

sesquipedalian · 31/12/2025 18:43

“Ive suggested this [moving in with his mother snd he refuses claiming he loves me🙄”

He refuses to move in with his DM, because why would he want to be with a smelly, incontinent old woman that he would have to take care of, rather than be in your home being looked after by you? Rather than provoke an argument (and in all probability his refusal) over him going to his mother’s tomorrow, why don’t you go out for lunch as originally planned with your three daughters? I’d tell him that you’ve had enough with his DM, and that he’s welcome to cook for her but your DDs shouldn’t miss out because of her. As for the future, it sounds as though his DM will get to the stage where helpers coming in every day is not enough and she will have to go into a home. I’m sure your younger DD’s are happier to have their father at home, but I would seriously question how far his DM can be allowed to ruin your family life. You need to have a serious talk with your DH. Is he an only child, or is there anyone else to help with DM? It’s difficult because if DM has dementia, she’s not responsible - but your DH also has responsibilities towards his own family. Not allowing you to go out as a family without his DM is not reasonable, especially when you took her out at Christmas. You are going to have to think what you want your future to look like, and how you can make it work for your daughters and his mother, given that DM’s condition is only going to get worse.

outerspacepotato · 31/12/2025 18:43

Your partner is a greedy asshole who is fine with his mother living in her own waste so he can get her house.

🤮

Leavesandthings · 31/12/2025 18:44

Hi there,
Gosh that does sound like a really hard situation and a lot of stress on your shoulders.

It seems like there are two problems happening (obviously related)

  • your mil is suffering on her own, is unable to cope, and is not getting the care she needs. I would be concerned about the incontinence in particular as she could easily develop infections and pressure sores. Also the dementia and being alone so much. She needs a care assessment by adult social care.
  • your husband is not respecting you or listening to you - expecting you to care for someone who is abusive to you and your daughters and changing family plans etc. it seems to me that this is the crux of the issue in terms of how it is affecting you.

In your post, you wrote a lot about the MIL but not much about your husband
What does he say when you have tried to have a serious conversation about it?
The issue of her moving into a home is about her quality of life in her final years too. Does he want her to potentially suffer alone at home? Would he admit that it's the cost of care that's the reason he is against it?

Arlanymor · 31/12/2025 18:47

This isn't about her. Honestly it's not.

It's about him.

He's not a good son, he puts the burden on you, and treats you terribly.

HE rules and dictates what happens to everybody because he won't step up and support his mum himself. He is selfish, he is entitled and expects everybody to kowtow to his way of thinking. Please think about this. I mean it.

yeesh · 31/12/2025 18:48

Your partner is the entire problem, he’s a leech. Won’t allow his mother to be properly cared for so he can have her house when she dies and then living in your house with you paying for everything and running around after him.

Bimblebombles · 31/12/2025 18:53

It’s reached crisis point really hasn’t it. She needs a full social care assessment and professionals telling your partner what needs to happen in his mother’s best interest. He’s past the point of listening to reason from you. I think you need to really spell it out to him. The situation is beyond what you or he can manage. She likely needs residential care and he either facilitates that or you break up.

RegalDiamondMonster · 31/12/2025 19:03

She sounds incredibly difficult to be with but this situation is far more of your DH's fault.

He is sponging off her by refusing to provide appropriate care in order to inherit property.
He is sponging off you financially, and by expecting you to shoulder your MIL's emotional and physical needs. He doesn't seem to be considering your needs and wants.

Please take your kids to dinner and get a mental break as a first step.

Endofyear · 31/12/2025 19:06

She's an old woman who's had a stroke and got dementia - you shouldn't be blaming her at all!

Your 'partner is a leech who's moved into your house and is willing to see his poor mother live in unsanitary conditions so he can keep his inheritance - what an absolute tosser 🙄

Kick him out and tell him to go and live with his mother and look after her!

Purplewarrior · 31/12/2025 19:34

Kick him out.

DaisyChain505 · 31/12/2025 19:41

Never mind the mother in law your partner is the issue in your life.

Came along to live in the house you own, let his devil of a mother move in and then left all the care to you.

Why are you booking meals costing nearly £500 when you aren’t financially sharing the burden?

Please tell me he’s paying you a proper amount of rent, utilities and food bills?

Vaxtable · 31/12/2025 20:10

You put you and your kids first if he wants to look after his mother then he can move in with her full time and look after her

and no I would not be having her at my house, he would be told to go and visit at hers

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 31/12/2025 20:21

surely if he lives in her house for a period of time, it can't be taken off him to pay for her care immediately? from a purely financial point of view, it might make more sense for him to officially reside there, rather than with you. And tbh if you have two shared children, but still don't share your finances, it'd probably make better financial sense for you too.

SavageTomato · 31/12/2025 20:55

Your can do whatever the hell you want. And I strongly suggest you tell him to get out and give you space, and that you never, ever have anything to do with her again. So fucking what if she has dementia, how is that suddenly your problem to solve? It's fucking not!!!

Thepossibility · 31/12/2025 21:03

Your post made me annoyed- at you!
FFS get this man out of your house and your life. He's sponging off you and letting his mum suffer for his sole benefit. You are just accepting this ridiculously awful situation.
If you are unable to stand up for yourself and demand respect then it's better to stay single. Men like this see vulnerable women that they can treat like shit from a mile off and rip their hands together in glee.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 31/12/2025 21:40

This isn't his mother's fault. She's a vulnerable woman in ill-health. This is entirely your cocklodging leech of a partner's doing.

Don't ask him to leave, TELL HIM.

These cocklodging leeches do not leave when asked, they need to be kicked out. They have NO SHAME.

WildLeader · 31/12/2025 21:44

If she’s been diagnosed with dementia, her care is paid for by the state I believe

but you’re flogging a dead horse with this bloke, cut and run.

Dollybantree · 31/12/2025 21:56

Christ, get rid of him and his foul mother.

It sounds like he’s cancelled the lunch today bc he doesn’t want to pay for it.

He is using you as an unpaid carer for his dm - we’ll tell him he can get to fuck and do it himself.

You must be so resentful at the fact that this whole situation caused you to lose a pregnancy.

I would not do this - any of it. My dh’s dp’s are still in good health but I’ve told him in no uncertain terms if that changes I won’t be a nursemaid after raising ours dcs for years. I want some time to be selfish once the dcs have gone.

It sounds awful.

Gymnopedie · 31/12/2025 21:58

Am on the verge of thinking about splitting with him and asking him to leave but I dont want to raise kids alone when he's out there but the situation with his mum is draining and he gets very anxious and gets all over the place which affects the dynamics here.

For one, looking after the DCs on your own will be very, very, very much easier than having your life ruled by DP and his mother.

For two, his relationship with his mother and the effect that has on him isn't your problem to solve. By allowing him to live with you and soaking up his anxiety you're just enabling him to keep doing what he's doing. Let him work it out on his own.

Seriously, what is it about him that makes you think this might be worth continuing? What does he bring that enhances your life? If you made two lists, the positives and negatives of being in this relationship, which list would be longer and by how much?

You call him your partner, which is good. You're not married so he has no claim on the house you own in your own right. you can tell (not ask) him to leave at any point. And ignore the bit about he loves you. There's no man more in love than one who needs a roof over his head and wants someone to do the heavy lifting of life for him.

PS And yes, you can also TELL him that you won't have her in the house for New Year.

Dollybantree · 31/12/2025 22:00

Gymnopedie · 31/12/2025 21:58

Am on the verge of thinking about splitting with him and asking him to leave but I dont want to raise kids alone when he's out there but the situation with his mum is draining and he gets very anxious and gets all over the place which affects the dynamics here.

For one, looking after the DCs on your own will be very, very, very much easier than having your life ruled by DP and his mother.

For two, his relationship with his mother and the effect that has on him isn't your problem to solve. By allowing him to live with you and soaking up his anxiety you're just enabling him to keep doing what he's doing. Let him work it out on his own.

Seriously, what is it about him that makes you think this might be worth continuing? What does he bring that enhances your life? If you made two lists, the positives and negatives of being in this relationship, which list would be longer and by how much?

You call him your partner, which is good. You're not married so he has no claim on the house you own in your own right. you can tell (not ask) him to leave at any point. And ignore the bit about he loves you. There's no man more in love than one who needs a roof over his head and wants someone to do the heavy lifting of life for him.

PS And yes, you can also TELL him that you won't have her in the house for New Year.

Edited

Exactly - you’re in a very good position OP.

You own the house and he also has somewhere to go - his mothers.

Imagine how lovely your life could be without the stress this man causes you?

isyouready · 31/12/2025 22:01

Why didn't he help his mum in the shower. He expected you to do it while you were pregnant and you lost your baby. Selfish selfish man

jeremyclarksonsthirdnipple · 31/12/2025 22:02

I am so sorry OP but I have to agree with everyone else. He is no good for you ..

Jinglejells · 31/12/2025 22:06

yeesh · 31/12/2025 18:48

Your partner is the entire problem, he’s a leech. Won’t allow his mother to be properly cared for so he can have her house when she dies and then living in your house with you paying for everything and running around after him.

And yet she had two kids with him. Some women really

Anyahyacinth · 31/12/2025 22:15

MIL is ill. Partner is awful...lacks morals and is happy for his DM to suffer neglect for potential money, is reneging on agreed spending with you. I don't understand how you can bear him anywhere near you

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