Our lives being run on partners mother's life!

[Elephant788]

So my partners mother lived with us for 4 months after lockdown and she gave everyone so much hell, from refusing to wash and only agrees to wash every 4-6 weeks. That caused such a stench. I wad expected to guve her a shower myself whilst I was in early pregnancy, and that meant lifting her etc as she had a stroke few years back.
All that was not appreciated, she used to curse me like butter wouldnt melt, She would be verbally abusive and called me and my grown up daughters names. I spent most of my days in tears and suffered.so much stress at her hands. I lost that pregnancy. My Partner would say well shes old and shes angry because she had a stroke.
Fast forward..., she moved out and lives in a bungalow 20mins walk away - she has now been diagnosed with dementia. Here is the issue -My Partner is in seriously in denial about the dementia to be point where even if her mobility is poor, poor memory, can't make any decisions, always falling in that bungalow (ive now refused to go and manually lift her up), shes incontinent of urine and faeces but he refuses to entertain any talk of a home at least to give her quality of life. She has Carers 4.times a day but she refused washes and still smells badly.

For context when I met my Partner he moved in my house and am a sole owner. I feel that he doesn't want his mum to go in a home because he'll lose inheriting her house when she dies as the Council would expect it to be sold to cover the care.
We were with her at Xmas and id booked a meal out. I paid £480 for the meal and my Partner didnt even offered to go halves. His mother wanted to pay something and he kept saying to her mum its already been paid for - I asked him why he was saying that as it hadn't been. She was kicking off in the restaurant, wet herself and was parting so loud and laughing about it...

Now we were suppose to eat at our local pub tomorrow for New Year day lunch but my Partner has now cancelled this late this afternoon, because she is still kicking off and if we went alone ( I have a 20 year daughter from my first marriage and two girls with him 6 and 4), apparently she'd miss out! So we cant go. He was meant to be paying for that, so thats cancelled.

Instead he says he is bringing her here to the house and he will cook!

AIBU after all I've been through to feel like my life is now determined by this woman and now shes ruined Xmas and now ruining New Year too?

Can I refuse for her to come and ask him to go be with his mum for New Year lunch. Normally I wouldn't mind supporting him with her but she's not a nice person. Even her neighbours don't speak to her so shes very lonely.

Thanks for reading and allowing me to rant❤️.

Am on the verge of thinking about splitting with him and asking him to leave but I dont want to raise kids alone when he's out there but the situation with his mum is draining and he gets very anxious and gets all over the place which affects the dynamics here.

Basically she rules and dictates what happens to everyone. I equally blames him too! Do I ask him to move in with his mother so I can breathe? Ive suggested this snd he refuses claiming he loves me🙄

Don't ask about love please,it doesnt matter t

• the issues are summarised above

Thanks again if youve read this far Xx

You may need to give him written notice. Usually 14 or 28 days.

Ask him what crime he'd be reporting to the police if he rang them? And what does he think they will do, order you to let him live there indefinitely?

RUN for your life! And those of your kids.

"he won't leave and last time I packed his stuff he threatened to call police and went proper mental"

Go to your local police station. Tell them this and ask them what to do. Forget about what your neighbours think.

So it's less to do with your grievance towards his mother, and more to do with you wanting to get rid of your partner. I hope you're not being egged on by people on here who are so quick to tell you to get rid of him. How was your relationship before the strain of looking after his mum? Dementia is a cruel disease and needs professional help, he sounds like he can't accept that his mum needs more help now than home carers, a more permanent arrangement, ie care home would be more appropriate, although finances are an issue, and selling her house to pay for the care home is annoying but necessary. You have children with this man, were you happy together before having to deal with his mum and her dementia? Give your situation plenty of thought, you don't know how long his mum has left, it's probably very difficult for him to see his mum deteriorating with the dementia, it's very tough. Relationships have ups and downs, it would be good if you could support one another through the bad times, we are all strangers to you, don't throw everything away on the basis that some people on here want you to dump him and hang him out to dry, so to speak. Good luck in deciding what to do, but don't be hasty x

I think you need to refrain from thinking your Mother In law is awful. She has dementia. She cannot control the things she does.
The issue is with your partner. You need to be very clear that you cannot and will not care for her. You need to have clear boundaries. Yes take your girls out and say that was your plan. X

He threatens to call the police when you tell him to leave, so you relent.

Why? Let him call the police, it's not his house, you attempt to end the relationship, then don't follow through because of his threat of the police. It's YOUR home, you are NOT married, he has no legal right to stay when you are asking him to leave. Stop letting him scare you and call the police yourself to get him removed. You do NOT need a court order to get him out, no idea where you are reading that, but you are NOT married, and he does NOT own the house, he has no legal rights.

Now start the new year right and get him out tomorrow. No more relenting, follow through.

This guy is a ponce. He has no rights, you are not married, he has somewhere to go, and he is not on the house deeds.
Call the Police, get him out, he does not get to refuse.

The undue haste which so many MN posters advocate , splitting up a relationship especially with young children involved - is one of the MOST annoying things on MN
However . This is one of the few times I would say that for the sake of the kids and your happiness, he has to go.

You will find it a lot easier without this dead weight around your neck. Your home will be happier as well !

Your partner has his eye on his main chance . He thought fhat getting his name out on your dead’s was a sure fire way - only you were too smart to allow it , so now he is eagerly awaiting his mothers death and denying her the appropriate care because he wants his money . Or money he thinks is his.
someone needs to make a referral to adult safeguarding at her local council and fast x

The police will help you get him out if you say it is your home, you want him to leave and he is refusing. They can be there while his stuff is removed. I would make a plan which includes police involvement and where you immediately change the locks.

I would end it because of his low moral character. If he will behave like this towards his mother he will do the same to you if you ever have a severe illness. This is who he is, an entitled selfish human who only cares about himself.

The sooner you get rid, the sooner you can start rebuilding and have a happy life.

By the way. He has no rights. You ask him to leave . If he doesn’t the you change the locks while he is out and if he kicks off then call the police and they will remove him.

OP I think you’ve been looking at the wrong information online. You don’t need a court order to remove someone from your house when they have no claim or ownership of the house. Just pack up a bin bag of his stuff, stick it outside, and change the locks. He has no rights here.

This woman and her son are the reason you lost your baby.

Kick them both out.

Seriously. Get child support off him. He can live with his smelly mother.

Same - I've never joined a chorus of LTB but I actually can't see another way for @Elephant788 to improve her situation, especially as he's refused to leave previously.

@TheSunRisesInTheEast seemed to overlook this bullying in her post. This doesn't sound as though OP is reaching her conclusion on these responses alone.

If you think that OP would be being hasty if she got rid of her abusive partner, there is something wrong with you. God knows why you are trying to make OP feel guilty.

His mother is not living in OP's house - that was a temporary arrangement.

And we can certainly suspect that the stress and physical exertion of caring for his mother contributed to losing the baby, but it's really not conclusive. I've just looked them both up.

Just change the locks and send his stuff to his mum's. If he comes to the house and makes a fuss you call the police 💐 can you get someone to stay with you for a few days?

So that moved on a lot while I was typing

Let him ring the police, they will help him leave. He’s no legal rights here and you don’t need a court order to make him leave.

just tell him he has to leave by x date and if he doesn’t change the locks and phone the police to ensure he leaves. He’s just trying to frighten you. If you don’t feel safe giving him a timeframe (I’d suggest a week, change the locks, pack his stuff up and if he kicks off YOU phone the police

You’re only thinking of splitting? Do it. Do it today. Ask him to leave and he can go and stay with his DM. He’s not a Partner in any way here. He’s not listening to anything you say and it doesn’t seem like he’s contributing much to your life either.

The DC will probably be happier once they don’t have to have their plans changed constantly for his Mum too.

Have just read your updates. It sounds as though he is abusing you. Both financial abuse and coercive control.

Please ring National Domestic Abuse Helpline and talk to them about how to exit the relationship safely and get him to leave.

I would also ask in the legal section to see if he has any claim on your home

Sounds like you've wanted him to leave for some time Op so just get proper advice and get him out. He's 58, he won't work FT, he just wants a quiet life living off you and his poor DM even though you have young DC. I wouldn't be so hard on him but he's neglecting his ill DM in the worst way, she doesn't need fancy lunches, she needs proper care.

I totally agree with this. This is not someone you want to grow old with.

Also have a look on YouTube on how to change your locks. You shouldn’t need a locksmith to do it for you, often you can just get the things you neex from B&Q.

Yeah he’s a chancer,a parasite and looks after no 1 himself only.