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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Our lives being run on partners mother's life!

113 replies

Elephant788 · 31/12/2025 18:26

So my partners mother lived with us for 4 months after lockdown and she gave everyone so much hell, from refusing to wash and only agrees to wash every 4-6 weeks. That caused such a stench. I wad expected to guve her a shower myself whilst I was in early pregnancy, and that meant lifting her etc as she had a stroke few years back.
All that was not appreciated, she used to curse me like butter wouldnt melt, She would be verbally abusive and called me and my grown up daughters names. I spent most of my days in tears and suffered.so much stress at her hands. I lost that pregnancy. My Partner would say well shes old and shes angry because she had a stroke.
Fast forward..., she moved out and lives in a bungalow 20mins walk away - she has now been diagnosed with dementia. Here is the issue -My Partner is in seriously in denial about the dementia to be point where even if her mobility is poor, poor memory, can't make any decisions, always falling in that bungalow (ive now refused to go and manually lift her up), shes incontinent of urine and faeces but he refuses to entertain any talk of a home at least to give her quality of life. She has Carers 4.times a day but she refused washes and still smells badly.

For context when I met my Partner he moved in my house and am a sole owner. I feel that he doesn't want his mum to go in a home because he'll lose inheriting her house when she dies as the Council would expect it to be sold to cover the care.
We were with her at Xmas and id booked a meal out. I paid £480 for the meal and my Partner didnt even offered to go halves. His mother wanted to pay something and he kept saying to her mum its already been paid for - I asked him why he was saying that as it hadn't been. She was kicking off in the restaurant, wet herself and was parting so loud and laughing about it...

Now we were suppose to eat at our local pub tomorrow for New Year day lunch but my Partner has now cancelled this late this afternoon, because she is still kicking off and if we went alone ( I have a 20 year daughter from my first marriage and two girls with him 6 and 4), apparently she'd miss out! So we cant go. He was meant to be paying for that, so thats cancelled.

Instead he says he is bringing her here to the house and he will cook!

AIBU after all I've been through to feel like my life is now determined by this woman and now shes ruined Xmas and now ruining New Year too?

Can I refuse for her to come and ask him to go be with his mum for New Year lunch. Normally I wouldn't mind supporting him with her but she's not a nice person. Even her neighbours don't speak to her so shes very lonely.

Thanks for reading and allowing me to rant❤️.

Am on the verge of thinking about splitting with him and asking him to leave but I dont want to raise kids alone when he's out there but the situation with his mum is draining and he gets very anxious and gets all over the place which affects the dynamics here.

Basically she rules and dictates what happens to everyone. I equally blames him too! Do I ask him to move in with his mother so I can breathe? Ive suggested this snd he refuses claiming he loves me🙄

Don't ask about love please,it doesnt matter t

  • the issues are summarised above

Thanks again if youve read this far Xx

OP posts:
FeedingPidgeons · 31/12/2025 22:16

What I took from your post was fog, like you're in this situation so deep you can't quite see it clearly.

Let us help with that.

  1. It's your house
  2. As an unmarried partner he has zero rights to remain. You can literally change the locks and he has no recourse legally.
  3. He has somewhere else to go
  4. He is utterly taking the piss out of you

He doesn't want to go and live at his mother's for obvious reasons. None of that shit is your problem.

You need to lay down the law.

  1. He is not cooking a meal for her in your house tomorrow
  2. He is packing his bags and fucking off, since he cannot be arsed to pay his way

Allowing him to stay does you zero favours, only increases the burden on you.

Original poster
Elephant788 · 31/12/2025 22:18

Gymnopedie · 31/12/2025 21:58

Am on the verge of thinking about splitting with him and asking him to leave but I dont want to raise kids alone when he's out there but the situation with his mum is draining and he gets very anxious and gets all over the place which affects the dynamics here.

For one, looking after the DCs on your own will be very, very, very much easier than having your life ruled by DP and his mother.

For two, his relationship with his mother and the effect that has on him isn't your problem to solve. By allowing him to live with you and soaking up his anxiety you're just enabling him to keep doing what he's doing. Let him work it out on his own.

Seriously, what is it about him that makes you think this might be worth continuing? What does he bring that enhances your life? If you made two lists, the positives and negatives of being in this relationship, which list would be longer and by how much?

You call him your partner, which is good. You're not married so he has no claim on the house you own in your own right. you can tell (not ask) him to leave at any point. And ignore the bit about he loves you. There's no man more in love than one who needs a roof over his head and wants someone to do the heavy lifting of life for him.

PS And yes, you can also TELL him that you won't have her in the house for New Year.

Edited

He has made requests for his name to be added to land registry and ive said no. Things appeared better before his mother got moved to be near us. Feom then on shit just hit the roof

OP posts:
Original poster
Elephant788 · 31/12/2025 22:21

Gymnopedie · 31/12/2025 21:58

Am on the verge of thinking about splitting with him and asking him to leave but I dont want to raise kids alone when he's out there but the situation with his mum is draining and he gets very anxious and gets all over the place which affects the dynamics here.

For one, looking after the DCs on your own will be very, very, very much easier than having your life ruled by DP and his mother.

For two, his relationship with his mother and the effect that has on him isn't your problem to solve. By allowing him to live with you and soaking up his anxiety you're just enabling him to keep doing what he's doing. Let him work it out on his own.

Seriously, what is it about him that makes you think this might be worth continuing? What does he bring that enhances your life? If you made two lists, the positives and negatives of being in this relationship, which list would be longer and by how much?

You call him your partner, which is good. You're not married so he has no claim on the house you own in your own right. you can tell (not ask) him to leave at any point. And ignore the bit about he loves you. There's no man more in love than one who needs a roof over his head and wants someone to do the heavy lifting of life for him.

PS And yes, you can also TELL him that you won't have her in the house for New Year.

Edited

Thats right am not married to him and house in my sole name and that won't change. Ive refused to out his name on land registry ehen he asked a million times!

OP posts:
Original poster
Elephant788 · 31/12/2025 22:25

isyouready · 31/12/2025 22:01

Why didn't he help his mum in the shower. He expected you to do it while you were pregnant and you lost your baby. Selfish selfish man

And now says it was biology that made me lose the baby, not the stress from his mother! Guy is 58 and am 47. Clearly failed in life and probably had seen me as his way to property ownership. Ive told him tonight after the support ive received here that im taking kids to the New Year lunch without him and he can go cook at his mums, not here. He called me shit and I called him stupid cunt- feeling rather empowered now!👌🏽

OP posts:
Original poster
Elephant788 · 31/12/2025 22:29

sesquipedalian · 31/12/2025 18:43

“Ive suggested this [moving in with his mother snd he refuses claiming he loves me🙄”

He refuses to move in with his DM, because why would he want to be with a smelly, incontinent old woman that he would have to take care of, rather than be in your home being looked after by you? Rather than provoke an argument (and in all probability his refusal) over him going to his mother’s tomorrow, why don’t you go out for lunch as originally planned with your three daughters? I’d tell him that you’ve had enough with his DM, and that he’s welcome to cook for her but your DDs shouldn’t miss out because of her. As for the future, it sounds as though his DM will get to the stage where helpers coming in every day is not enough and she will have to go into a home. I’m sure your younger DD’s are happier to have their father at home, but I would seriously question how far his DM can be allowed to ruin your family life. You need to have a serious talk with your DH. Is he an only child, or is there anyone else to help with DM? It’s difficult because if DM has dementia, she’s not responsible - but your DH also has responsibilities towards his own family. Not allowing you to go out as a family without his DM is not reasonable, especially when you took her out at Christmas. You are going to have to think what you want your future to look like, and how you can make it work for your daughters and his mother, given that DM’s condition is only going to get worse.

He said 'she'll be dead soon and I will then rejoice"! I just said your mother is your responsibility and probably, I said I feel nothing whether shes dead or alive. How do I get this guy out of this house 🥵🥵 Ive given him notice before and he refused and threatened to call police. Now ive researched that id have to apply for a removal order from Court because I don't think he will leave quietly. 🤦🏾‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
Elephant788 · 31/12/2025 22:37

Leavesandthings · 31/12/2025 18:44

Hi there,
Gosh that does sound like a really hard situation and a lot of stress on your shoulders.

It seems like there are two problems happening (obviously related)

  • your mil is suffering on her own, is unable to cope, and is not getting the care she needs. I would be concerned about the incontinence in particular as she could easily develop infections and pressure sores. Also the dementia and being alone so much. She needs a care assessment by adult social care.
  • your husband is not respecting you or listening to you - expecting you to care for someone who is abusive to you and your daughters and changing family plans etc. it seems to me that this is the crux of the issue in terms of how it is affecting you.

In your post, you wrote a lot about the MIL but not much about your husband
What does he say when you have tried to have a serious conversation about it?
The issue of her moving into a home is about her quality of life in her final years too. Does he want her to potentially suffer alone at home? Would he admit that it's the cost of care that's the reason he is against it?

He has a younger brother 1 yesr younger who has a wife snd 5 kids the oldest who is 30 bit the brother snd his wife have since washed their hands off the mother for years now.

The brother has mentioned a care home but partner goes stir crazy at the mention of care home! Its absolutely crazy ive never seen anything like that. The word care home can never be mentioned in the same.oine as the mother in front of my Partner! He won't even admit to costs because right now Council pays for her care but he knows if she were to go into a home the house would need to be sold. His young brother says he doesnt care about the house and thar she'll achieve quality of life in a care home rather than being at home alone.

Its like DP is married to his mother, his behaviour/relationship with regards to his mother is almost abnormal. I can only 5hink its money related in terms of the house as nothing else.makes sense.

P/s not my husband am not married to him and.i own the house myself. Hes asked for his name to be out in land registry for the house multiple times and I have categorically refused. Hes 58 and am 47.

OP posts:
SpinningaCompass · 31/12/2025 22:39

Boot him.

Pack his things up and boot him out.

Original poster
Elephant788 · 31/12/2025 22:41

Arlanymor · 31/12/2025 18:47

This isn't about her. Honestly it's not.

It's about him.

He's not a good son, he puts the burden on you, and treats you terribly.

HE rules and dictates what happens to everybody because he won't step up and support his mum himself. He is selfish, he is entitled and expects everybody to kowtow to his way of thinking. Please think about this. I mean it.

Ive researches and have to get Court involved as he won't leave and last time I packed his stuff he threatened to call police and went proper mental eith his anxiety pacing up and down saying I can throw him out! Bills are £3.5 ish total, he gives me.800 straight and doesnt pay any bills. Or nursery fees ive paid since last one DD almost 4 was 6months at nursery. Everytime I bring the Financial burden he shouts its not the point and won't dicuss it further
My plan is.to.get him out then claim he pays maintenance or co-parents 50/50.
He refuses to work FT!

OP posts:
Dollybantree · 31/12/2025 22:43

Elephant788 · 31/12/2025 22:29

He said 'she'll be dead soon and I will then rejoice"! I just said your mother is your responsibility and probably, I said I feel nothing whether shes dead or alive. How do I get this guy out of this house 🥵🥵 Ive given him notice before and he refused and threatened to call police. Now ive researched that id have to apply for a removal order from Court because I don't think he will leave quietly. 🤦🏾‍♀️

Show quote history

No, YOU call the police and get him removed from your house.

The cheeky fucker!!

Original poster
Elephant788 · 31/12/2025 22:45

Dollybantree · 31/12/2025 22:43

No, YOU call the police and get him removed from your house.

The cheeky fucker!!

Show quote history

I will do that, thank you

OP posts:
FeedingPidgeons · 31/12/2025 22:48

Are you in the UK? If so, which country - English and Scottish law is different.

If you're in England, the house is in your sole name and you are unmarried then he has zero right to remain. You can just change the locks. Are you sure you haven't been looking at websites for the wrong legal jurisdiction?

Dollybantree · 31/12/2025 22:51

FeedingPidgeons · 31/12/2025 22:48

Are you in the UK? If so, which country - English and Scottish law is different.

If you're in England, the house is in your sole name and you are unmarried then he has zero right to remain. You can just change the locks. Are you sure you haven't been looking at websites for the wrong legal jurisdiction?

Exactly - I’m pretty sure he has absolutely no rights.

Dollybantree · 31/12/2025 22:52

A quick google seems to say he only has rights if you’re married or he’s on the deeds.

So it’s a no brainer.

NoisyViewer · 31/12/2025 22:57

She has dementia so hasn’t got any control over her behaviour. If you’re concerned her care isn’t adequate then you should report it to social services. They can decide then how to proceed

Millytante · 31/12/2025 23:00

FeedingPidgeons · 31/12/2025 22:16

What I took from your post was fog, like you're in this situation so deep you can't quite see it clearly.

Let us help with that.

  1. It's your house
  2. As an unmarried partner he has zero rights to remain. You can literally change the locks and he has no recourse legally.
  3. He has somewhere else to go
  4. He is utterly taking the piss out of you

He doesn't want to go and live at his mother's for obvious reasons. None of that shit is your problem.

You need to lay down the law.

  1. He is not cooking a meal for her in your house tomorrow
  2. He is packing his bags and fucking off, since he cannot be arsed to pay his way

Allowing him to stay does you zero favours, only increases the burden on you.

Seconded, in every detail.

OP, that man has his eye on material gain, and on your future service in relation to his mother’s deteriorating condition, and no doubt for his own care as the years catch up with him..
You seem to get no improvement or benefit to your life from his being in it, do you? All you get is trouble and strife, and at a financial cost too.

In your place, I’d definitely kick him out, and call it quits now, and this time, laugh in his face if he threatens to set the Law on you. (He is seriously deluded on that score)

His mother, God help her, needs better care, and a home with decent nursing sounds unavoidable.
Her present housing sounds really inadequate, so either she moves in with you (obviously this isn’t going to happen!) or he faces the responsibilities he has taken on as her son, and relinquishes his grasp on her house/savings.
(Maybe he could find and pay for a live-in nurse companion but I’d imagine the lady would jib at this and behave badly.
But this is not your worry, and you can let it bounce off you should he try to make it so, by playing the ‘girls’ grandmother’ card maybe. Resist!)

He sounds like very bad news for your future, and it’s not as though chucking him out of your house would make him homeless.
Have you anyone on the burly, or the sternly authoritative side who’d happen to be visiting you for tea, on some day you might decide to give him his cards?

MrsLizzieDarcy · 31/12/2025 23:07

Ring your local social services adult helpdesk and address your concerns re your partners mum. She can't help having dementia or having had a stroke, and she deserves to end her days in comfort and dignity. What he's doing is cruel.

Then wait for your partner to go back to work and get your locks changed while he's there. And tell him that you've just prized his barnacle arse off you and his joyride is over.

Stillupatmidnight · 31/12/2025 23:08

He will need to face her house will need to go to pay for care. Take the girls out tomorrow, do what you want, he can have lunch with MIL at home, don’t worry about it enjoy your New Year’s Day doing what y want xx

Holesintheground · 31/12/2025 23:11

WildLeader · 31/12/2025 21:44

If she’s been diagnosed with dementia, her care is paid for by the state I believe

but you’re flogging a dead horse with this bloke, cut and run.

I'm afraid the first bit here isn't accurate. If you have money or assets you have to pay, but if you own a house, the council will generally enter into a deferred payment agreement where they pay until the house is sold and you then pay them back from the proceeds. However, that's all his job to deal with. Tell him to go and get legal back up. A solicitor will help with the options and give you confidence in what you're doing. Or Citizens Advice Bureau if money is tight. Take your girls out tomorrow and tell him he's not coming as he should spend time with his mum.

Cherrysoup · 31/12/2025 23:25

When he’s out, call an emergency locksmith to change the locks. The police are unlikely to remove him unless he turns up, kicks off and tries to force entry of the locks are changed. As it’s your property, they will remove if he’s outside (Section 5) and causes a major fuss trying to gain entry.

EchoesOfOurDreams · 31/12/2025 23:27

I'm not sure what research you've been doing but if you're not married and he has no claim on the house at all then you can either call the police to get him removed from the house (if he kicks off) or just wait until he is out and get the locks changed.

You would only have to go to the court to get him removed/evicted if he was your tenant. He's not your tenant he's your partner who has no claim whatsoever to your house so get rid.

AffableApple · 31/12/2025 23:28

What's the matter with you?

Your partner is a selfish, selfish twat. You most likely lost a pregnancy doing hard physical and mental graft for your MIL, because he didn't do it.

He leaves his mother to suffer so he doesn't lose her house to pay for care.

Take some responsibility for yourself and kick him out of your house, love.

Tinsles · 31/12/2025 23:33

Get the locks changed the minute he leaves the house.
Gather his shit together and leave it outside.
Call 101 and ask for a marker to be put on your house as you are removing an abusive ex who has no rights whatsoever to your house.

He is scum.

TheSunRisesInTheEast · 31/12/2025 23:45

Crikey, the OP started out saying how nasty and abusive her partner's mum was, and after a few more posts she now wants no more to do with her partner and is being advised to boot him out and change the locks

Original poster
Elephant788 · 31/12/2025 23:55

FeedingPidgeons · 31/12/2025 22:48

Are you in the UK? If so, which country - English and Scottish law is different.

If you're in England, the house is in your sole name and you are unmarried then he has zero right to remain. You can just change the locks. Are you sure you haven't been looking at websites for the wrong legal jurisdiction?

Am in England. He went stir crazy maybe panic saying hed ring the police on me if I were to throw him out. I've researched and it says I can apply to the Court so I might do that I dont need his drama tainting me in this neighbourhood🤦🏾‍♀️
I feel stuck with him

OP posts:
Original poster
Elephant788 · 31/12/2025 23:56

Dollybantree · 31/12/2025 22:52

A quick google seems to say he only has rights if you’re married or he’s on the deeds.

So it’s a no brainer.

And he is neither.

OP posts: