Our lives being run on partners mother's life!

[Elephant788]

So my partners mother lived with us for 4 months after lockdown and she gave everyone so much hell, from refusing to wash and only agrees to wash every 4-6 weeks. That caused such a stench. I wad expected to guve her a shower myself whilst I was in early pregnancy, and that meant lifting her etc as she had a stroke few years back.
All that was not appreciated, she used to curse me like butter wouldnt melt, She would be verbally abusive and called me and my grown up daughters names. I spent most of my days in tears and suffered.so much stress at her hands. I lost that pregnancy. My Partner would say well shes old and shes angry because she had a stroke.
Fast forward..., she moved out and lives in a bungalow 20mins walk away - she has now been diagnosed with dementia. Here is the issue -My Partner is in seriously in denial about the dementia to be point where even if her mobility is poor, poor memory, can't make any decisions, always falling in that bungalow (ive now refused to go and manually lift her up), shes incontinent of urine and faeces but he refuses to entertain any talk of a home at least to give her quality of life. She has Carers 4.times a day but she refused washes and still smells badly.

For context when I met my Partner he moved in my house and am a sole owner. I feel that he doesn't want his mum to go in a home because he'll lose inheriting her house when she dies as the Council would expect it to be sold to cover the care.
We were with her at Xmas and id booked a meal out. I paid £480 for the meal and my Partner didnt even offered to go halves. His mother wanted to pay something and he kept saying to her mum its already been paid for - I asked him why he was saying that as it hadn't been. She was kicking off in the restaurant, wet herself and was parting so loud and laughing about it...

Now we were suppose to eat at our local pub tomorrow for New Year day lunch but my Partner has now cancelled this late this afternoon, because she is still kicking off and if we went alone ( I have a 20 year daughter from my first marriage and two girls with him 6 and 4), apparently she'd miss out! So we cant go. He was meant to be paying for that, so thats cancelled.

Instead he says he is bringing her here to the house and he will cook!

AIBU after all I've been through to feel like my life is now determined by this woman and now shes ruined Xmas and now ruining New Year too?

Can I refuse for her to come and ask him to go be with his mum for New Year lunch. Normally I wouldn't mind supporting him with her but she's not a nice person. Even her neighbours don't speak to her so shes very lonely.

Thanks for reading and allowing me to rant❤️.

Am on the verge of thinking about splitting with him and asking him to leave but I dont want to raise kids alone when he's out there but the situation with his mum is draining and he gets very anxious and gets all over the place which affects the dynamics here.

Basically she rules and dictates what happens to everyone. I equally blames him too! Do I ask him to move in with his mother so I can breathe? Ive suggested this snd he refuses claiming he loves me🙄

Don't ask about love please,it doesnt matter t

• the issues are summarised above

Thanks again if youve read this far Xx

I agree.

As others have said, you don't have a 'partner's mother' problem, you have a partner problem. I feel so sorry for her, in all honesty. She had a stroke (not her fault) and now has been diagnosed with Dementia (also not her fault). She may have been a difficult person before these events, I don't know, but she absolutely can't control how she is now.

It is unbelievably cruel to leave someone who is doubly incontinent, presumably with mobility issues, alone in her home with just occasional visits from carers. My MIL was diagnosed with Dementia about 10 years ago; she died just under a year ago. His "she'll be dead soon" is not guaranteed - the only guarantee is that she will deteriorate. As pointed out by a pp, she is at high risk of UTIs due to her poor hygiene and her assumed age. (He's 58. She's mid to late 70's, maybe in her 80's?) UTIs are awful if left untreated and will exacerbate her symptoms of confusion, and as many of us know will make her feel bloody awful. She needs full time care - and that is not your problem, it is down to your partner and his brother to sort.

I believe you have what is called a cocklodger on MN, an abusive one at that. He wants to be added onto the deeds of your property (which I'm glad to read you have repeatedly refused to do); he pays you a pittance towards the bills despite being the father to 2 of your children; he refuses to leave because he "loves you 🙄"; he refuses to properly look after his own mother yet expects you to; he refuses to work FT. These are your problems to fix, if you choose to do so.

I agree.

Why are you asking us though OP?

Tell your bloke to go to his mother's. Tell him that if she's coming today then you and your kids are going out for the day. So either way he's alone with her.

And as you aren't married or the house is not in his name. You can absolutely kick the fucker out.

Tell him to go and live with his mother. Then you don't have to see her again.

Not to de rail the thread as this sounds like the issue is someone wanting permission to leave their partner but, if someone has 4 calls a day that would have been arranged by adult social care. The mother can't just be 'moved into a home', the 4 calls might be deemed adequate at the current time. Incontinence doesn't auto mean care home.

I hope you get rid of him today too.

She probably needs to go in a home for her own safety. Nothing to do with you or partner.

Dump him and let him deal with his mother. Get your life back.

You don’t need to go to court to get him out OP. Also let me tell you, as a lone parent of many years it’s way more peaceful and liberating than having a shit partner.

Agreed. I've got no idea what she has been looking at.

When he goes out get someone to change the lock and don't let him back in. If he asks where he can go tell him to go to his mums house. If he gets violent call the police and explain the situation.

Its exactly what ive done and he slept on sofa! Result X

I’d tell him to go to his mum’s and stay there.

Ive researches and have to get Court involved as he won't leave and last time I packed his stuff he threatened to call police and went proper mental eith his anxiety pacing up and down saying I can throw him out! Bills are £3.5 ish total, he gives me.800 straight and doesnt pay any bills. Or nursery fees ive paid since last one DD almost 4 was 6months at nursery. Everytime I bring the Financial burden he shouts its not the point and won't dicuss it further
My plan is.to.get him out then claim he pays maintenance or co-parents 50/50.
He refuses to work FT!

I’m not sure where you’ve researched but I can’t see why the Court would get involved in you asking your Cocklodging Partner to leave.

If you’re worried about asking him to go, then phone one of the Domestic Abuse charities. They will give you advice on how to get him to go safely.

He doesn’t get to stay because he’s upset and you don’t have to let him. He also doesn’t get to stay because you’re worried about the reaction of the neighbours. That is the very least of your problems.

I doubt very much though that he’s going to co-parent 50/50 or pay for his DC. He’s doing anywhere near that now.

I’m with everyone saying that this selfish man is benefitting from being with you and you are being utterly drained. Get rid of him. Your life will be better immediately.

^This

This.

You hold all the cards here-this man is vile.

Do you own the house outright-as in you have paid off your mortgage?

Things were good before his mum moved to be near us and he expects me to shoulder the burden. That is not reciprocated- my mum lives abroad and he doesnt make any effort eith her and due to the abuse I suffered when she lived here, ive decided to keep a distance myself for my own peace. It just appears that since she moved here, he obviously needs support as him and his brother dont get along and the bone of contention os the mother subject. Younger brother who is a year younger than him has said care home but it appears that he has been affected mentally by it all! And unfortunately am feeling quite deflated snd neglected as she is rhe centre of his attention and his denial about not considering a care home foe her to better her quality of life - am a qualified General nurse and ive tried to guve him advice but he has said he won't listen to me as 'am trying to get rid of her ' and that am not an expert in dementia.
Last night ive said to him since he doesnt care about his responsibilities in this family and all his being is centered about his mother he can go spend time with her and ill take the girls to the pub for the lunch.
His argument wad she would miss out on the meal since shes volatile and I said what about the kids and I? And he didnt seem to care hence him saying 'she'll be dead soon and you can rejoice ' those words were unkind so I just said to him I have no feeling whether shes alive or dead! I know and agree about everything youve said in your post but I feel like am drowning. Ive suggested he moves out temporarily to give us space but he refuses and says whatever problems we might have better to work them through whilst together. Its so hard. I dont feel much for him now because of the constant bickering surrounding his mother and his self entitlement thar he expects me to shoulder the burden of his mother and her challenges. Ma just so tired 😏😏😏

I am doing the lunch with the girls and he said he'll be with his mum.

Thank you Xx

I getnits not conclusive but I feel it was a strong contributing factor x

HRFT
Are social services, other than carers, involved, she sounds as if this is elder abuse. esp as she has dementia too and needs full time care in a home.

Oh OP, I am so glad you didn’t put him on the deeds. The audacity of him to even ask.
I agree, you call the police to get him out. Give him a weeks notice at most

Thank god you are not married and have not put him on the Deeds.

Your poor older Dd, expected to have her family celebrations with his Mum. Also your house is your kids future inheritance, not his security while he connives to get his Mum’s house.

He has no right to ask you to sign over half your house to him. Bloody hell, major security risk for your ability to raise your youngest in the event of a split!

Even asking is a major red flag. Getting arsey: unforgivable.

Kick him out, and he can go and live with his whiffy mum!
Today, take the youngsters out for a meal, bound to be somewhere you can without booking