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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think more people should be intentional about who they have children with?

117 replies

WryJadeWren · 31/12/2025 16:05

I honestly don’t get how some people don’t seem to respect their own wombs or futures when choosing who to have kids with.
It’s not just about “accidents happen”, we all know contraception exists. And bringing a child into the world with someone who’s clearly not ready, reliable or respectful can have lifelong consequences.

AIBU to think that more people should think long and hard about who they’re parenting with, not just who they’re dating?

OP posts:
5128gap · 02/01/2026 11:18

KimberleyClark · 02/01/2026 10:50

Women do choose these men because they want children and don't want to risk leaving it too late and ending up childless. It's a common phenomenon. "He's not perfect, but I want children so he'll have to do".

Yes, I understand that there is an element of choosing the least worst option. I still maintain that that's a problem with the options, not the chooser.

soupyspoon · 02/01/2026 11:24

5128gap · 02/01/2026 11:18

Yes, I understand that there is an element of choosing the least worst option. I still maintain that that's a problem with the options, not the chooser.

Of course its a problem with the chooser, you cant choose what isnt there.

RhaenysRocks · 02/01/2026 11:42

Bringemout · 31/12/2025 16:47

I think sometimes people don’t know, but you often can actually tell if someone is going to be vaguely responsible. People rarely change that much. The reality is chances are as a woman you’ll be left holding the baby, yeah a shit father should absolutely be held accountable for his own actions (I favour prison for people who don’t pay their CS etc) but ultimately women and kids suffer regardless.

Sorry no. My ex and several other men I know were perfectly ordinary, family men. Met their spouses at uni or shortly after, together 5+ years, married, had kids sometimes after IVF and then 3-6 years in, having been nice, ordinary dads just chucked in the towel. All but one had OW. All did the "script" of being unhappy for ages etc. All now pay minimum maintenance and regular but small amount of contact so no real actual parenting. Still all seen as "good guys" down the golf / rugby club. Meanwhile the mums are run ragged working full time and juggling parenting and all that comes with it.
There are no absolutes here. The existence of what I've described doesn't mean the OPs point is wrong or that some woman should take more time and many men should be remotely careful. But let's not pretend all single mums are careless.

BeenzManeenz · 02/01/2026 12:57

Quiet day is it? You really must be bored to post this utter trolling nonsense.

HangingOver · 02/01/2026 13:17

5128gap · 02/01/2026 11:18

Yes, I understand that there is an element of choosing the least worst option. I still maintain that that's a problem with the options, not the chooser.

I sort of see this as well. I'm in my late thirties and quite a few friends are shaking up with some absolute rotters in the quest to have a baby.

OnlyHasEyesForLoki · 02/01/2026 14:15

My goodness what a judgemental post!

I’m sure very few people think fuck it, it doesn’t matter who they are. We all believe it’ll work out at the time and due to lots of factors including our own programming and upbringing and trauma make decisions that in hindsight were a mistake.

I’m not the person I was in my teens, 20s or even 30s and I have come to terms with that!

AnAcreAndAHaha · 02/01/2026 14:34

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Playingvideogames · 02/01/2026 14:47

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What does this actually look like though? We could do a public campaign shaming men for being deadbeats, we could do newspaper headlines ‘walking out on kids no longer acceptable’, we could make it like VAWG in some respects. They wouldn’t care. They would carry on. Druggies, murderers and sex offenders don’t care about shame so why would this be any different?

We have ourselves to blame really, we decided ‘shame’ was old fashioned so we can’t apply it when it would actually be useful to do so.

Only option is to instil in women better decision making and responsibility. Because they’re the ones left with the slack.

AnAcreAndAHaha · 02/01/2026 14:51

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Sparklesandspandexgallore · 02/01/2026 18:39

RhaenysRocks · 02/01/2026 11:42

Sorry no. My ex and several other men I know were perfectly ordinary, family men. Met their spouses at uni or shortly after, together 5+ years, married, had kids sometimes after IVF and then 3-6 years in, having been nice, ordinary dads just chucked in the towel. All but one had OW. All did the "script" of being unhappy for ages etc. All now pay minimum maintenance and regular but small amount of contact so no real actual parenting. Still all seen as "good guys" down the golf / rugby club. Meanwhile the mums are run ragged working full time and juggling parenting and all that comes with it.
There are no absolutes here. The existence of what I've described doesn't mean the OPs point is wrong or that some woman should take more time and many men should be remotely careful. But let's not pretend all single mums are careless.

So have these OW gone on to have children with these men? If so then they are part of the problem. Making themselves available and bringing further children into the mix.
I am not excusing the men here, but there are an awful lot of women prepared to be the ow and have children with these men.

RhaenysRocks · 02/01/2026 21:02

Sparklesandspandexgallore · 02/01/2026 18:39

So have these OW gone on to have children with these men? If so then they are part of the problem. Making themselves available and bringing further children into the mix.
I am not excusing the men here, but there are an awful lot of women prepared to be the ow and have children with these men.

Some of them yes, or integrated their existing children so that the man now organises everything around what best suits them rather than his actual children. If the "first family" could just disappear that would be much more convenient.

Sparklesandspandexgallore · 03/01/2026 06:23

Then they get what they deserve then.
It’s the same when the ow marries the cheating partner, then absolute shock if he cheats on her. It’s not rocket science.

Redpeach · 03/01/2026 06:46

WryJadeWren · 31/12/2025 16:05

I honestly don’t get how some people don’t seem to respect their own wombs or futures when choosing who to have kids with.
It’s not just about “accidents happen”, we all know contraception exists. And bringing a child into the world with someone who’s clearly not ready, reliable or respectful can have lifelong consequences.

AIBU to think that more people should think long and hard about who they’re parenting with, not just who they’re dating?

Accidents do happen as contraceotion isn't 100%. Then it falls upon the woman to make the huge decision to terminate or not.

CandyColouredEggshells · 03/01/2026 11:09

Accidents do happen but I do agree with some parts of OP’s post. A relative of mine I am LC with has just welcomed their 5th baby boy, they still owe me money and had asked for more which is partly why we’re LC.

But then again I got pregnant accidentally when I was mid 20’s, I was married, got a mortgage and a decent salary. I didn’t want children with EXHB because I didn’t want someone else I loved to speak to me or treat me the way EXHB did, and I didn’t want any DC to think that was an acceptable way to be spoken to/treated. I went ahead with the pregnancy because on paper there was no reason not to and we looked like the perfect couple, but my initial thoughts on not wanting to have children with him now make me think why on earth did I stay so long?!

I’ve never regretted having DD and in a lot of ways she gave me strength to leave and want to start a new life for us. But I guess what I’m trying to say is even though he was an abusive, horrible person, to the outside world he was and still is a “good man” and a good choice of father.

Satisfiedwithanapple · 04/01/2026 09:51

Redpeach · 03/01/2026 06:46

Accidents do happen as contraceotion isn't 100%. Then it falls upon the woman to make the huge decision to terminate or not.

It does, but surely it’s better in that position to be the person who has the power to make that decision.

The13thFairy · 04/01/2026 11:03

Often a man is keen for his wife (or girlfriend) to have a child not so he can be a father - god no - but because he wants a reliable home base. He will see the children as his wife's hobby, and she will facilitate his life. He will go to work if he works) in a wife-ironed shirt, come home to a meal she shopped for and cooked, sleep in clean sheets she washed and dried and put on the bed, and he'll leave his clothes lying around on the floor so that she can pick them up, and skidmarks in the toilet so that she can clean them. When she finally has enough and divorces him she will find out that you never know who you're married to until you tell him you want a divorce.

Maybe he'll come round late at night drunk, ring the bell again and again - the children will be crying for you to let their daddy in - and he'll go away thinking Job Done! Fucked her up there. He'll maybe chuck his job, do courier work and sleep on friends' sofas so he can't be found by the CSA - why should he pay any money to that bitch?

He'll find another girlfriend (he'll choose one with a job and her own place to live) and he'll be just as sweet to her as he was to his wife, and it will work a treat. He'll move in and she will facilitate his life. She'll believe what he tells her about his wife, the psycho bitch who won't let him see his children. She will believe he loves her, because he says so, but she will discover, as his wife did, that what he loves is having a place to stay and a woman to look after him.

So the thing is, when women are young they often think the best of people. including men. And men will present themselves as lovely. A lovely man is more likely to be housed and facilitated than a git. And gits they are, but they are camouflaged, very well, as caring, responsible men.

The13thFairy · 04/01/2026 11:32

Silvertulips · 31/12/2025 16:36

I dislike the way single mothers ar portrayed in the media - It should be an absent father family.

If we change the language we might change the outcomes

I agree! When I was in my teens, there were 'unmarried mothers'. Now it's 'single mothers' ~ so yes, let's all talk about 'absent fathers'.

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