To think more people should be intentional about who they have children with?

[WryJadeWren]

I honestly don’t get how some people don’t seem to respect their own wombs or futures when choosing who to have kids with.
It’s not just about “accidents happen”, we all know contraception exists. And bringing a child into the world with someone who’s clearly not ready, reliable or respectful can have lifelong consequences.

AIBU to think that more people should think long and hard about who they’re parenting with, not just who they’re dating?

I did all the right things and had children with my husband of 5 years who I was so sure would be a great father and he definitely wanted kids and it all went to shit, so I don't blame people who are more casual about it.

Post divorce, I do the vast majority of the parenting and earn the money. I might as well have had several children with different fathers, wish I had now.

If you have a good marriage with a man who is a great father, that's partly luck and it isn't clever to look down on people who aren't in that situation.

I'd much rather there was a big push for men who aren't ready, reliable and respectful to stop impregnating women who in many cases they will have fooled into believing them to be all three.

Yep, let’s blame the women again.

I was on contraception when I got pregnant with DD1. I was very lucky that her father, my DH, is a good person and is doing the best he can to be a good father, husband, role model… We are equal parents to our three children.

So many men present themselves as the perfect candidate for procreation and then change as soon as they’ve trapped a woman. Or they believed the fairytale of what having children is like and, when the rose-tinted glasses come off, they don’t want it anymore.

Gosh OP
Do you think women are to blame for all bad fathers?
Do you think the men they have children with declare they will be a horrible parent?
Do you think everyone has been loved and cherished enough in their life to recognise a healthy relationship?

YANBU. The careless abandon with which women have unprotected sex and ‘oh well, things happen’ is staggering to me. Yes men should step up but that doesn’t negate women’s individual responsibility either. And the inevitable ‘make sure you claim all the benefits you’re entitled to…’ just makes my heart sink. We have free contraception, free morning after pill, free abortion… no child should be born to feckless parents who can barely stand each other and have no job, money or suitability for raising them.

I agree with you in principle but I personally did everything wrong and was pregnant within the first six months of meeting. We now have an 18yo and a 15yo and have been happily married for as long.

We have seen many couples separate who were far more established than we were before having dc. The speak had gone and they were already a bit weary of each other by the time they had dc. The stress and exhaustion of a young family is then often the death knell for the relationship.

You can never truly know someone else, I think that’s the bottom line. People who seem like a safe pair of hands can turn on a sixpence and those who don’t seem like a good prospect can also surprise you. We none of us know what’s around the corner.

No but it’s plainly logical that as the ‘vessel’ women will suffer far more consequences than men for continuing with a pregnancy. If I left my front door open, with a neon sign saying ‘come steal my belongings’, and I got burgled, that doesn’t mean the burglar shouldn’t be punished. But it would be bloody irresponsible of me to put myself in such a vulnerable state, hence why we lock our doors rather than saying ‘it’s all on the burglar’

People change. Sometimes they only show themselves when the children arrive.
Also I have seen friends have children with men who weren’t keen and then seem shocked they didn’t change.
And I had a friend who had a surprise baby with a feckless boyfriend. Had 5 more children with him. Seems constantly surprised he’s useless and expects some massive personality change still 25 years later.

This with bells on!!!

Sounds simple, since it’s been a problem since the beginning of time I guess it’s not.

I am not a male apologist by a long way but even I can see they have 1 contraceptive method bar a vasectomy, and that isn’t very reliable.

Women have a spectrum of choices, all far more reliable, all free and ultimately as it’s her body enduring pregnancy she needs to show some responsibility.

This isn’t equal sadly, but I’ll be shouted down for pointing out the obvious I’m sure.

No. I’m not blaming women for men’s behaviour and I’m not suggesting people can perfectly predict the future. What I am saying is that becoming parents together is a far more serious, long-term decision than dating and it’s one we often talk about far less carefully than it deserves. That responsibility sits with both people. Men don’t get a free pass here at all. In fact, my point is that the consequences of poor partner choice are often borne disproportionately by women and children. I’m not talking about lack of love or perfect foresight, just the idea that choosing a co-parent merits more intention and honesty than it sometimes gets.

Me too, thought long and hard about the type of man I wanted to raise a family with and was sure my ex was that guy, we were together for 7 years before ttc. Turned out he was an extremely good liar and was leading a double life. He doesn't bother at all with ds now other than to send maintenance and a gift for special occasions. I do absolutely everything else.

I think what gets me with all of this is the deep misogyny of your post. Why are you blaming women when actually the issue here are the men who have not stepped up, who have failed to be good role models for their children, who have opted out or worse are deliberately manipulative and harmful. The day we stop blaming women for choosing badly will be the day we properly hold men to account and may actually see some shift in the frequency of this.

Theres truth in this but I also think there is truth in women believing their partner/husband wants kids when he is indifferent at most and then wondering why later he isnt that into being a dad.

I don’t think anyone, least of all I, are blaming women who do their due diligence only to be cruelly let down like you were.

But the number of women who carelessly and apathetically allow themselves to become pregnant by a total loser is just so frustrating. These men are red flag factories.

And the insurance wouldnt pay out in those sorts of circumstances either....

I got married. Had kids.

he shagged someone else.

how is that my fault?

Yeah that's right blame the single mums. Honestly.

Well, I did, but I’m not sure it was luck or judgement.🤷‍♀️

However, he always showed himself to be a good and kind man.

People show themselves as they are very quickly.

But again, why is there more discussion about those women's choices as opposed to why Kevin from down the street is sowing his wind oats so willy nilly. There's more accountability placed on women for getting involved with a walking red flag than there is on the bloke for being a walking red flag and that's not okay.

Well obviously but what if they have the same mentality and mindset, rotten, you cannot stop them having children.
We can’t force sterilisation. There is a lot of people who shouldn’t have children from all backgrounds, sometimes the children have one shitty parent, other times they have two shitty parents who don’t care about their wellbeing.
Having one shit parent isn’t the end of the world.
The single parents who are juggling out there, are fabulous splitting themselves into two daily.
If we all waited for the perfect partner the human race would die out. One great parent is enough.

Yes. Some people are careless and feckless.
I think it's something that both sexes need drilled into them from early teens actually, Obviously we can't pretend that all is equal, so it's an even more important message for teenage girls/ women in my opinion. They are the ones it impacts the most.
There are women out there whose spouse/ partner didn't show them who they really were until the children came along. I am not referring to those women with what I've said.

It literally takes 2 to make a baby.

Surely this is about men becoming ready, reliable and respectful when they have to face the consequences of their actions?

Why is it the woman's fault the man isn't being a decent father?

And also as others have said, men can change for the worse after becoming fathers. So any woman can get everything lined up with a ready, reliable and respectful man and then he fails to step up. Again, how is that her fault?

I think that the first 2 replies raise excellent points.

Anecdotally I know many men who wanted kids but changed their minds after their partner became pregnant or the baby arrived. In some cases there was fertility treatment involved so a longer time frame and more consideration about the decision to conceive. Do some men not research what father is like ? Don’t they talk to their friends about what it’s like and how it affected their relationship with the mother of their child?

Having a baby is a shock to the system but I think that some men agree to have a child because they think it will keep their partner rather than actively wanting a child and that’s shit for the kid. These men act shocked when asked to contribute financially towards maternity leave. I’ve read stories on here of men expecting their partners to continue to pay 50% of the expenses during maternity leave when they aren’t even getting close to their full salary. This kind of man expect their partner to do 99% of childcare and housework too which is taking the piss.

Kevin deserves judgement but it is the woman who gets pregnant. If I were to get a tattoo tomorrow, I would go to a reputable artist, not allow Kevin next door to try with his machine bought from Amazon. Because it’s my body and I need to show due diligence for it. If Kevin gave me a raging infection he should be punished but I would be exceptionally stupid for allowing it.

Until both sexes get pregnant this is not equal. The shame should be, but the initial onus of responsibility is greater for women.