To think more people should be intentional about who they have children with?

[WryJadeWren]

I honestly don’t get how some people don’t seem to respect their own wombs or futures when choosing who to have kids with.
It’s not just about “accidents happen”, we all know contraception exists. And bringing a child into the world with someone who’s clearly not ready, reliable or respectful can have lifelong consequences.

AIBU to think that more people should think long and hard about who they’re parenting with, not just who they’re dating?

Most of the time they dont have to declare it, its right there on the surface.

It’s the job of parents to teach their children how to behave in relationships.

I have DC of both sexes. All have been taught by myself and DH that they should:

1. Really try to get to know any prospective GF/BF well enough to trust them before having sex
2. Sex, unprotected or protected, can result in a pregnancy
3. Think about whether you both know what to do in the event of a pregnancy and make sure you are both in agreement
4. Remember that a child is an 18-year minimum commitment if you decide to keep a child from an unexpected pregnancy, and make sure that both of you are in agreement with raising a child for that long and providing the child with the best possible life
5. Remember that any child you have, deserves to have two loving parents, even if your relationship doesn’t work out, and ensure that you are both equally committed to providing this

All our DC are in happy healthy relationships… I see a lot of young people - even those with supposedly good upbringing - that don’t seem to understand the basics.

I blame this on our British desperation to put no expectations on anyone, for fear of sounding judgemental, at the expense of guiding people towards thinking of the potential ramifications of their desires before acting on these!

In my opinion, straight women in particular are the most determined to chase a conventional lifestyle. The new build house, the car on finance, the perfect social media relationship, the big wedding and two or three kids.

They don’t think about the consequences of rushing into this until it’s too late.

If we all waited for the perfect partner the human race would die out. One great parent is enough.

One great parent can’t always cancel out the effect of the shit parent though.

I think no one is brave enough to say that if the right man (apparently right man) doesnt come along, well you (shouldnt) cant have the child.

The PP says it right, a walking red flag but planning to have kids with him, why? Because it means that the right man may never materialise and she wont therefore have those children she thinks. So she goes ahead with it and hopes for th best even though deep down she knows its not the best.

I think if no decent man comes along I can understand conceiving by an unsuitable candidate so long as you’re prepared for the inevitable and are set up with a house, reliable income, support network and a willingness to raise a child alone and not waste years of energy and stress chasing somebody who clearly wasn’t suitable for parenthood from the outset.

Often these women are not ‘great parents’ themselves tbh hence the bad decisions

Sometimes people have bad luck, but Sometimes it does feel like people get together and too quickly have a baby, it goes wrong then they do exactly the same again! My wonderful friends 20 year old DD had a baby with her boyfriend, who was only a few years older, it was her first and his 6th! Needless to say they split up before the baby was even born, god knows how many more women he’s got pregnant since her baby was born

I'm just astonished when women get pregnant from 'short flings' (or even ONS with total strangers!) and decide to keep the baby.

"Oh it'll be fine, they don't need to know their dad, I'll love them"

You don't know ANYTHING about the father's medical history. He could be carrying genes for (or suffering from) all sorts of horrid medical conditions. Huntington's, for one extreme example.

How can you casually produce babies like that? It's so sloppy and careless. As I said earlier, even female insects put more thought into choosing a decent, healthy mate. Isn't that the most basic thing you can do for a child?

I think people too often move in with people too casually without really thinking about the future, then whoops there’s a contraception accident and living together isn’t fun any more.

Hear hear

i guess some just get horny and then its oh pickles but by then etc

This may not be a popular view, but I think there is something of a vicious circle here. I think if a girl has a decent, loving, present father and has seen her parents modelling a good relationship she is more likely to choose well in future and not be fooled. She will know what to look for. Whereas a girl who has grown up with a shit father will think it’s normal.

I don’t think YABU except that reason doesn’t come into it, when sex rears its ugly head

And there is a general expectation that fathers will be shit.

Men are ‘different’, men don’t see mess, men can’t multi task, men can’t do house admin. John is amazing because he picks his kids up from nursery and can work a vacuum cleaner. Fred can’t otoh poor lamb because his important man-job means his hours are too long, even though his female colleagues manage.

Even more depressingly I can’t see any change in the last 20 years or so.

I agree with this.

Not sure this is the same thing. More like in many cases your partner who had the key and you trusted does a complete change and sells the house from under you.

On another note what happens if you leave the back door open rather than the front. I guess you won’t get pregnant at least🤔

Yep, l think both men and women should be more mindful. A lot of the time people don't think it through enough or what a commitment it is. They will have to see that ex at birthdays, graduations, weddings etc. Plus the lack of effort, thought, financial support etc

I have a work friend who complains his children "aren't very academic". Their mother is not a reader and doesn't encourage them academically so lm not sure why he's surprised. He is academic and has 50/50 custody but there's only so much he can do to overcome it

I totally agree. You'll get pushback and you'll be accused of 'victim blaming' but you are quite correct

In an ideal world, of course. However, as we live in a world where the consequences of a bad co-parenting relationship are more likely to fall on the woman, surely it makes sense for women to be ultra careful.

So many posters missing the point, but of course you have a valid point @WryJadeWren.

The OP isn’t talking about the women who are with men who portray themselves as decent partners and end up screwing them over.

And she isn’t talking about contraceptive failures.

She’s talking about the women having unprotected sex with red who are walking red flags and just being completely blasé about the consequences.

It does happen, and yes, these women are partly to blame. It’s nothing to do with “blaming women”. The men are dreadful but that’s their own problem. Why these women somehow get dragged into it, have children with them, and make them their problem is beyond me. And yes, that is on them.

There are countless threads on here from women who are either in the early stages of these ridiculous relationships, bewailing how these men are behaving and the overwhelming response on here is “LTB” “bin him” “run, don’t walk”.

But many of these women don’t. They have kids with these useless men. And that’s on them.

Yes you are being unreasonable.
Contraception fails more often than people realise.
Men (and some women) can be very good at manipulating people into thinking they're a decent person.
You can do everything 'right' and it still end up with a split and bad coparenting relationship.
It's not always as simple as be more careful ect. In an ideal world yes, but real world, it doesn't happen that way.

exactly.

The more you think about this post the worse it gets.

You are of course blaming women. That's precisely what 'its on them' means, is it not?
You think that if a man treats a woman badly when she has his child thats her responsibility for having children with him.
Whereas I think if a man treats a woman badly, it's always on him.
A woman can be vulnerable to ending up with a useless man for a variety of reasons, and just because he can treat her badly doesn't mean he should.