Cafes should have 2 lines...

[Mysterian]

...one for people like me who want sensible drinks like a cup of tea, and one for those who want freaky complicated things requiring bizarre steampunk looking machinery that take as much as 45 minutes to prepare. Take your order for a wombat milk frappy-mocha foam with cream and splash of smugness syrup and get out my way.
2 lines. One with a sign saying "Normal" above it and one saying "Can't Understand Normal Tea Stuff" overhead.
I sometimes have a hot chocolate, but without the la-di-da stuff like cream and chocolate powder. Like John Wayne or Jesus would have had.

It’s an odd USP, isn’t it, making the experience so off putting that people are scared to come in and buy your product.

I somehow always end up behind the faffers at the post office or bakery. Both are small shops so queues quickly spill out onto the street.

They have two counters each, but it only takes one particularly needy person to cause a log-jam.

The latest one was (at the post office) a woman trying to open a bank account without any ID, and she wasn't having it that she needed it, and then at the bakery a family who all had to individually faff back and forth along the counter choosing a damn cake.

Thrice yes! I have the palate of a four year old, with a queueing ability to match. I just want a pop and a sandwich and to sit down and have a lovely time.

Why isn’t there a more efficient way of moving queues along in coffee shops? Would more machines help? A conveyor system when one staff member did one bit of it and another did the next?

Think there's a lot to be said for this. I worked in a city centre bar and then later a local country pub. You could time the drinks service in the latter on a sundial...

More machines, as pp said.
Or a design whereby at least 5 could be made at one time.

🤗👍🏻

I had this effect just by it being Christmas. I'd been posting parcels one at a time all year with no queue in our tiny local PO, & then at Christmas a woman ran in in front of me with carrier bags full of parcels destined for different countries & faffed around making a big palaver of the whole thing. So there should be two queues at the PO, too: one for people doing one simple, quick thing & one for people with bags of parcels & people who want to do complicated stuff without a clue or the relevant documents.

There's a cafe near me that's nice in theory but only seems to employ barely trained teenagers who take forever to do anything and don't appear to have any initiative. Hence long lines of frustrated customers.

Recently, their coffee machine broke, and rather than announcing the fact to the waiting customers, they spent ages taking other orders (very slowly), faffing about and telling nobody about the lack of coffee. I did feel a bit sorry for them, but the whole thing was a fiasco really.

I want two lines in all cafes. One for people who bothered to look at the menu and decide what they wanted to order before they got to the till and one for those who didn't.

Slow and fast lanes don't work with roads! There's always somebody pootling along in the fast lane at 20 mph less than the speed limit, while a huge queue develops behind them and others overtake on the inside

Oh Yes! I think it's another form of complete lack of awareness. Surely it's common sense that if you're in a huge queue, you try to be served as quickly as possible and not faff around chit chatting or asking unimportant questions and be prepared such as having your card/cash etc ready in your hand.

@Badbadbunny God yes.

Recently DH and I were at the monthly Sunday market in our town. A very popular event, especially close to Christmas. There was a stall where a man was selling his charcuterie and this was very popular and had a long queue. However, we liked the look of his stuff so joined the queue.

It soon became apparent that the queue was slow moving because:
a. There was only one man serving
b. Although some of his produce was pre-packaged a lot had to be cut and weighed to order, e.g. air dried hams off the bone, big spools of sausage where you could buy just as many as you wanted.

The woman in front of us, when it was her turn, then decided to engage him in conversation to show off what a knowledgeable foody she was about exactly what she was going to use it for (a carbonara), what other types she had tried last time she was in South West France, exactly where he had trained and blah, blah, blah.

FGS woman, you have just queued for nearly 20 minutes like the rest of us, why do you think it is OK to make everyone behind you wait even longer while you show off?

Snide agism is uneccessary

Pavements. To go with your queues instead of your lines and sidewalks.

I propose 5 queues.
One for teas, one for bottled drinks (ready to go, no messing), one for people with allergies and intolerances who require a more “faffy” drink, one for people who like a slightly jazzed-up coffee (vanilla latte for me, please), and one for those who enjoy a half pump hazelnut 8 pumps vanilla 4 pumps gingerbread 2 pumps sugar syrup half skimmed half semi skimmed with vanilla cold foam and low fat sugar-free caramel whipped cream iced latte with extra hot milk and a chocolate dusting.

I will add that I cannot abide takeaway tea. I love tea at home, and from a teapot in a cafe, but I cannot stand the taste of it in those paper cups. Something about those cups just makes it taste like the smell of bin juice. Eugh.

Yanbu. I've had to stop going to several places because of this. I just want a hot tea and to get on my way. Waiting around for other peoples faffy coffee and a chat does my head in.

I usually go to mcdonalds now as I know I'll have a tea in my hand in 2 mins and be out again.

I want a slow queue in the supermarket for customers who want to chat with the checkout staff

Fully agree, and they also need a sign 'If your friend has bagged a table, whilst you que to order, make sure you know what they want. If you hesitate, even for a nano second, you will have to go to the back of the que'.

If I've upset anybody by using "lines" instead of "queues" can I just say I'm very sorry Y'all.

Reminds me of the late Dave Allen, who said that banks, post offices and other public amenities should put signs up saying 'This is the Arsehole Queue'.

I'm not offended by "lines".... a queue is a line of people, no?

"Y'all" made me laugh though.

I was in a cafe once and an old guy just asked for a coffee, the barista asked which type, the old man just replied "have you got nescafe?"

I was that person in Subway, many years ago in (of all places) Intercourse, Pennsylvania. Luckily there were no other customers at the time, because my ignorance & confusion were boundless.

@TheClangyClunk

Why isn’t there a more efficient way of moving queues along in coffee shops? Would more machines help? A conveyor system when one staff member did one bit of it and another did the next?

They need to do the old fashioned style of "time and motion" study to identify the inefficiencies, change the layout/equipment and train the staff in more efficient operation. Trouble is a lot of cafe/shop owners/managers don't even notice it's a problem as they're often not looking at their business from the customer's point of view/experience.

At our local football stadium, it's a nightmare getting served at the refreshment counters. Each counter has 3 people, one operating the till (and nothing else), one serving the drinks (and nothing else) and one serving the food/snacks (and nothing else). 90% of the time the person on the till is nothing nothing because she's served someone who is now waiting for the drinks/food who is "hogging" the counter as there's no space for anyone else. People are waiting behind people waiting for a hot drink even though they only want a Mars bar. The hot drink person is often doing nothing because the customer is waiting for some hot food being prepared. Even just a re-jig of the counter would make a big difference, but even better would be separate counters - one for drinks/counter snacks and one for drinks/hot food. But they have two identical inefficient counters in each concourse.

If they serve up tea instantly the chances are that it will be piss weak from a bag or stewed from an urn

Can we have a separate line for the person who starts ordering and then shouts to the 20 family and friends they have with them "do you want a drink before i pay? Go and ask so and so if they want one.." organise who wants what then get in thr que!