Page 4 | Post adoption contact has ruined the chance of adoption for so many children

Popcornhero · 2025-12-30T19:09:43+00:00

I am a paediatrician, Mum of three children (who arrived by adoption) and have several foster carer and social worker friends. I keep seeing children no longer getting adopted now there is an expectation for face to face contact with birth families. I have seen this through work recently, and today was chatting to a foster carer friend who was saying how many children in their fostering network are no longer being adopted. Shehas a 14 month old in her care, who she's been approached to keep as a long term foster as he's been up for adoption for a year with no one to take him. The rules now around face to face contact with birth families have meant adoption rates have plummeted. I'm so angry about it. Children deserve a fresh start with their new family & they aren't getting it because needs of birth parents are being prioritised. Some research suggests adoptees would have liked more contact, but there is a bias in the literature. It's those most affected by the adoption that are coming forward not those who grew up and moved on and adoption is only one part of their story. I know we wouldn't have adopted it we had had to maintain face to face contact with the birth family. They are our children and they have a lovely protected life. We changed our children's names to give them a better chance in life ( they had for example names like Thor, Loki and Renesmee and are now, Theo, Luca and Esme) **just an example. We never send photos so they can be captured in birthday parties and their identity remains safe. They know their story, they know why we are their parents. We write to the birth family yearly. It would be awful for them to feel split between two worlds. Surely they need to review the impact this has had,before more children lose the chance at having a family?

Bess91 · 30/12/2025 20:02

Nn9011 · 30/12/2025 19:30

They will always be that child's biological parents. Whether they were capable of raising them or not, that child should be the focus. Of course I'm not advocating for sleepovers or anything to that extent but allowing a child to have a letter or know who their brothers and sisters are is important.
I have seen first hand how important it is for children to have contact with biological family even when they aren't the best people to raise them.
Adopted parents are their parents but they still have a connection and trauma that needs to be allowed to be dealt with and not blocked out to avoid disturbing adoptive parents ego.

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Why is it important to have contact with their biological parents? If they were, for example, deemed unfit to care for a child, why on earth should they have any rights to face to face contact with said child? Does that REALLY benefit the child? I would argue not. Blood doesn't mean shit.

Original poster

Popcornhero · 30/12/2025 20:02

SnowDaysAndBadLays · 30/12/2025 19:55

I thought the same.
My name was changed but I was adopted in the 70s.
I often wonder if that is part of my mental health problems, knowing someone, being part of them and being called a name, then suddenly separated and being called something else must be very confusing for a newborn.

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My eldest has a derivative of his birth name (Which was a completely made up name). Social care supported it as it wasn't a real name so was very traceable.

My second arrived at 8 weeks after a failed Mother and baby assessment placement and we changed it to something phonetically similar but that was not a film character. We called it him from day 1 then put it on the order paperwork and it wasn't questioned.

Our youngest arrived at birth and we used a shortened version which became her name - imagine a name like Cinderella and we called her Ella. We weren't allowed to change it legally so we changed it by dead poll post adoption order.

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Ilovecakey · 30/12/2025 20:02

Popcornhero · 30/12/2025 19:21

This is it to me. If they can't be totally separated from the birth family then they should be in long term foster care.

Adopted children have a family and need normality and security.

Imagine living with your parents and having to nip off to the zoo to catch up with your "other mum" who didn't keep you safe?

Also you can't stop small children naming their school, surname,village etc. so their safety is then at risk.

Not to mention issues around them not turning up, or realising the parents are affluent and going after money.

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Wow comparing the children birth parents to zoo animals is disgusting. They might not have been able to keep them safe for whatever reason but that doesn't mean they dont love them and without them the children wouldn't be here so you wouldn't have them would you!
If the parents were that bad they would not be allowed cintact at all. I really hope the poor children you adopted dont ever hear you speak about their mum like that!

ThePieceHall · 30/12/2025 20:03

Hufflemuff · 30/12/2025 19:54

I agree with you... if they cannot make the changes in their life to be a stable family, they dont deserve that child.

I imagine this scenario: A teenager, shouting at the adopted parents "you arent even my real Mum & Dad!" Then running off to see their drug addicted biological mother - who will have no boundaries or responsible parental instincts. That mother will likely expose that teen to things that were the very reason they were removed from her care!

My cousin had her baby removed because she refused to leave her peado abuser boyfriend. She doesnt deserve to see that baby again. I dont give a stuff about her mental health in this scenario - that baby is all that matters.

My AD2 shouts this at me all the time. ‘I hate you, you’re not my real mum.’ I don’t disagree. It is her truth. And I am mean for removing the iPad so she will go to sleep. Her birth mother was not parented well enough to be able to make the changes to enable her to keep her children. My AD2 knows that I parent her well to keep her safe. My AD2 knows she is loved by me, her protector, and her birth mother, the fun person who takes her bowling once a month. I do think it’s important as adopters to suspend egos and to have compassion for everyone. It’s not perfect. It’s an imperfect way of creating a family. But it is what it is.

patroclusandachilles · 30/12/2025 20:03

GreenPoms · 30/12/2025 19:59

The people I was born to are definitely not my family

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Some of the shit posted on this thread is honestly just offensive. I couldn’t agree more that the folks I was born to are not in any way my parents.

Ilovecakey · 30/12/2025 20:04

Nn9011 · 30/12/2025 19:25

I think you're very biased on this. The focus should be for children to have some form of contact with their family. Adoption is traumatic, whether it's from birth or at a later age.
If people don't want to adopt because they may have to keep some form of contact then maybe they aren't doing it for the right reasons. No one is entitled to a child and a child's trauma is not a solution to infertility.

Yes exactly this!

Newyearawaits · 30/12/2025 20:04

ThePieceHall · 30/12/2025 19:32

Such utter BS. Sorry. I don’t care that you’re a paediatrician. There is no ‘rule’ about direct contact with birth families. Sir Andrew McFarlane, the president of the Family Courts, is seeking to suggest about more ongoing direct contact with birth families for adopted children. I am an adopter of 18 years. My two adopted children are not birth related. My elder daughter, significant mental health issues, has never had any direct or indirect contact with her birth family. She has no sense of identity at all. Conversely, my AD2(9) has had regular, ongoing direct contact with her birth mother since her placement with me at 12-hours-old. Her birth mother is not a bad person. She is the victim of generations of abuse and neglect and social care failings. Birth mum is not the bogey woman. AD2 loves her, understands her vulnerabilities and is compassionate about BM’s difficulties in life. Equally, AD2 knows which side her bread is buttered on and knows that she is safer and has a better quality of life with me.

In my opinion, all adopted children should be privy to their narratives, however unpalatable they are to us. We are not ‘saviours’ as adopters. Our children have their genes and histories. If birth families are not dangerous, then why would contact be tricky?

Brilliant post, thanks
Your children are very fortunate to have you

PennyLaneisinmyheartandmysoul · 30/12/2025 20:04

Ilovecakey · 30/12/2025 20:02

Wow comparing the children birth parents to zoo animals is disgusting. They might not have been able to keep them safe for whatever reason but that doesn't mean they dont love them and without them the children wouldn't be here so you wouldn't have them would you!
If the parents were that bad they would not be allowed cintact at all. I really hope the poor children you adopted dont ever hear you speak about their mum like that!

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how on earth did you reach that?! It’s meant as meeting birth parent at a trip to the zoo! @Ilovecakey

Blizzardofleaves · 30/12/2025 20:04

If a child has been removed for safety reasons (most cases) and the child is then fortunate enough to be adopted, they need time and space to build a relationship with their new parents and family. It must rupture the process every time they see their birth family. I agree a child should be able to pursue a relationship with their birth families as adults when they can keep themselves safe, but not before.

patroclusandachilles · 30/12/2025 20:05

Ilovecakey · 30/12/2025 20:02

Wow comparing the children birth parents to zoo animals is disgusting. They might not have been able to keep them safe for whatever reason but that doesn't mean they dont love them and without them the children wouldn't be here so you wouldn't have them would you!
If the parents were that bad they would not be allowed cintact at all. I really hope the poor children you adopted dont ever hear you speak about their mum like that!

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Are you adopted? The OP is their mum. The person who gave birth to them is not. For whatever reason they gave up the right to that very special title.

fruitfly3 · 30/12/2025 20:05

@BobblyBobbleHat this is the crux for me. They have given up, or thrown away, their right. The right should be for the child, with their adoptive family, to set the boundaries. Of course, at 18 they can do as they wish in terms of seeking out or spending more time with their birth parents.

GreenPoms · 30/12/2025 20:05

Ilovecakey · 30/12/2025 20:02

Wow comparing the children birth parents to zoo animals is disgusting. They might not have been able to keep them safe for whatever reason but that doesn't mean they dont love them and without them the children wouldn't be here so you wouldn't have them would you!
If the parents were that bad they would not be allowed cintact at all. I really hope the poor children you adopted dont ever hear you speak about their mum like that!

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She didnt compare them too zoo animals. She was referring to a trip to a zoo to meet up with the birth mother.

Original poster

Popcornhero · 30/12/2025 20:05

Ilovecakey · 30/12/2025 20:02

Wow comparing the children birth parents to zoo animals is disgusting. They might not have been able to keep them safe for whatever reason but that doesn't mean they dont love them and without them the children wouldn't be here so you wouldn't have them would you!
If the parents were that bad they would not be allowed cintact at all. I really hope the poor children you adopted dont ever hear you speak about their mum like that!

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Please re read what I wrote. I did not compare her to a zoo animal. I meant going for a day out somewhere with her.

I always speak in a balanced way about her. I have very complex feelings about her. I feel incredibly sad for her and my heart hurts at Christmas and birthdays thinking she's waking up without them. I also struggle to understand her harming them and not prioritising them BUT I know she had a hard life.

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GusGloop · 30/12/2025 20:05

For some children a level of contact might be the right choice, for others the birth parents won't deserve a shred of information and it wouldn't be safe. I don't think there can be a blanket rule but all choices should be child-centred.

Beeloux · 30/12/2025 20:05

Whether you like it not, their biological parents will always be their biological parents. You can’t change that no matter how much you want to.

Unless there is safeguarding reasons the child was adopted, then I believe it’s beneficial to give the child a choice to meet their biological parents.

Imagine if they have half siblings who they are not aware of? They could unknowingly start a sexual relationship with one in years to come.

Beeloux · 30/12/2025 20:05

Whether you like it not, their biological parents will always be their biological parents. You can’t change that no matter how much you want to.

Unless there is safeguarding reasons the child was adopted, then I believe it’s beneficial to give the child a choice to meet their biological parents.

Imagine if they have half siblings who they are not aware of? They could unknowingly start a sexual relationship with one in years to come.

Red125 · 30/12/2025 20:05

Dozer · 30/12/2025 19:16

It’s a difficult one. Presumably the theory is that meeting birth family could be helpful for the DC, with contact limited.

There are other factors that could be affecting the number of people seeking to adopt DC, such as poor public services, high proportion of DC with significant additional needs, and that social media means that many will find or be found by birth family in their early teens.

I agree with your second paragraph here. Anecdotally it seems almost all children available for adoption nowadays have complex needs and adopting is more of a vocation than the alternative route to parenthood that it was when more babies were given up because the mother was unmarried etc.. Not that I'm saying we should get back to shaming teenage parents! I'm not sure if the statistics bear this out though or if my perception is wrong.

ThePieceHall · 30/12/2025 20:06

Garroty · 30/12/2025 19:43

Adoption rates plummeting isn't a bad thing in and of itself. In an ideal world there would be no adoption. I know that sounds like a very cruel thing to say to adoptive parents, and of course I'm very glad that you have your children. But if things were perfect all children would be wanted by and safe with their birth families.

If it's the case that the same number of children are being given up for adoption but are not being adopted because prospective adopters are being put off, then that is something concerning. Is there research supporting that this is the case?

Agreed. And I am an adoptive parent of 18 years now. Contemporary adoption is not fit for purpose. I don’t think that adoption in its current format will exist in the UK within two decades.

Smeegall · 30/12/2025 20:09

constantnc · 30/12/2025 19:21

Adopter here. Contact is not enforceable so i'm.not sure this as a reason for the decrease adoption is accurate.
More likely its the severe lack of support given to both plac and the adopters.

I came on here to say this.

I have to say I am a believer of letterbox contact - but also life gets in the way and I've never had a reply. I keep forgetting to do it and nobody chases me. I did it recently after being 18 months late. I remember being told it was a legally binding thing - that we were agreeing to do letterbox contact. However - it's simply not. Once the adoption order is through the council can't really dictate anything.

Also it's strange. I have 2 biological siblings - they are 2 of 6 now. The latest one, we were actually asked how we would feel if they were going to have contact with the biological parents. I have said that it would unfortunately mean that we would have no contact with those children. The biological family all try and get together (all of them have been adopted - so i mean the adopters try to get them together). They are all quite young - with the very oldest being 9 (my two being 8 and 6) and then the youngest is now 6 months.

I wouldn't be having direct contact. It's not in the best interests of the children. There's a reason they're being adopted - it's because their parents are unsafe and the bar is so ridiculously high.

patroclusandachilles · 30/12/2025 20:09

Popcornhero · 30/12/2025 20:02

My eldest has a derivative of his birth name (Which was a completely made up name). Social care supported it as it wasn't a real name so was very traceable.

My second arrived at 8 weeks after a failed Mother and baby assessment placement and we changed it to something phonetically similar but that was not a film character. We called it him from day 1 then put it on the order paperwork and it wasn't questioned.

Our youngest arrived at birth and we used a shortened version which became her name - imagine a name like Cinderella and we called her Ella. We weren't allowed to change it legally so we changed it by dead poll post adoption order.

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You sound like a fab mum. Ignore the haters here. From my experience as an adoptee, most of us agree with you. Keep on protecting those kids and providing by them with the love and stability they need.

Scout2016 · 30/12/2025 20:09

SnowDaysAndBadLays · 30/12/2025 19:48

Both families then, and I say this as someone who was adopted at birth.
Were you?

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Yes, this.

There isn't ever a fresh start is there, they will always be adopted. There will always be a birth family. On their wedding day, birth of their children, first day in new job or whatever. The fact they are adopted doesn't go away.

Changes are made because adopted children grow up and speak about their experiences and what did and didn't work. This is why there are no longer name changes and pretending a child wasn't adopted. It messed them up to find out they weren't always John they were David, and that the one thing they had from parents had been taken away. It messed people up to find out one day that they were adopted, so openness from the start is encouraged. The number of adopted adults who waited until their adoptive patents have died before they read their files was really high. They wanted to do it earlier but feel it's disloyalty will cause upset to their adopted parents. But then obviously the chances sre their birth parents aren't around either, or aren't tracable. There are also a lot of teenagers finding birth parents online and having awful experiences. That could have been avoided if the birth family were in their life still because there would be no romanticism or fantasy.

I agree each decision should be case by case and not every change will be a great idea but I do think it is driven by attempts to learn from past mistakes and bad practice.

DungareesTrombonesDinos · 30/12/2025 20:10

Dontlletmedownbruce · 30/12/2025 19:40

@Nn9011 I don't agree that they will always be the biological parents. I do understand however that its subjective and others see things differently. What non adopted people find hard to understand is that to many adopted people, raised without biological connections, that element can become very unimportant. Almost every adopted person I know has little interest other than curiosity or medical concerns. They simply dont value the biology. I've seen people who find out their uncle isn't their biological uncle make more drama out of their discovery than adoptees.

If I'm reading this correctly then you are suggesting adoptees, like myself, dont value the biological link to their birth family? Im sorry but what the fuck are you on about?

I didnt meet anyone I was biologically related to until I was 25 years old and had my first baby. For me it is like being without an anchor. I could say where my children got their traits, but what about me? Where did my love of reading come from? Why are my eyes the colour they are?

In your theory the fact that my biological Dad died before I had the chance to meet him should mean nothing to me? Well, I wonder why I have been knocked fucking sideways by the news then.

All decisions about adoptees and contact with their birth family should be driven by adoptees.

Flickaflock · 30/12/2025 20:10

patroclusandachilles · 30/12/2025 19:58

Are you adopted?

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No, but I have two close friends who were, and for both of them, finding and getting to know their birth families as adults has been incredibly meaningful and a very positive experience. There were added complications for them in that their adoptions were international - one was adopted from Ukraine, the other South Korea - so there was an element of rediscovering cultures they felt they’d been deprived of.

I am, however, well aware that not all birth/biological families are good. I have no contact with either of my parents for good reason. I just feel it should be considered on a case by case basis - where a child has biological relatives who cannot assume the responsibility of raising them but do not pose a risk to their emotional or physical wellbeing, be that parents/siblings/cousins/aunts/uncles/ grandparents, the child has a right to have those people in their life. The more people they have to love them, the better.

Ilovecakey · 30/12/2025 20:11

Sisterlove · 30/12/2025 19:30

It's more complicated than that. In reality, many birth parents don't want F2F contact after adoption.

Some adoptive parents (including) a relative of mine want to pretend the birth parents don't exist. I find it really uncomfortable being around this child who is 9 and doesn't know they are adopted.

I feel like it will all blow up one day and said child will think everyone (Uncles, Aunts, Grandparents, and cousins) have lied to them over the years.

All because the mother is insecure about not being the birth parent, but essentially lies to the child.

I thought it was more of letter box contact and not F2F.

Yes exactly what it is they are insecure they are not the real childs parents so want to kid themselves that they are and seeing the real parents will shatter their illusions.

Some people have their children removed because they have mental health problems which is no fault of their own so to see someone who has taken advantage of someone else's misfortunes to lose their children talking about them in this way and calling them zoo animals has really angered me.
Obviously im not talking about people who actually abuse and hurt their children though.

PixieDust91 · 30/12/2025 20:11

I hope to adopt a child one day, when I am ready to be a mom. I would not have any contact with the biological parents, and if that is the "rule" for an agency or country, I would not adopt through them.

Unless the child grows older and wants to have contact with bio parents, obviously.