Post adoption contact has ruined the chance of adoption for so many children

[Popcornhero]

I am a paediatrician, Mum of three children (who arrived by adoption) and have several foster carer and social worker friends. I keep seeing children no longer getting adopted now there is an expectation for face to face contact with birth families.

I have seen this through work recently, and today was chatting to a foster carer friend who was saying how many children in their fostering network are no longer being adopted. Shehas a 14 month old in her care, who she's been approached to keep as a long term foster as he's been up for adoption for a year with no one to take him.

The rules now around face to face contact with birth families have meant adoption rates have plummeted. I'm so angry about it. Children deserve a fresh start with their new family & they aren't getting it because needs of birth parents are being prioritised.

Some research suggests adoptees would have liked more contact, but there is a bias in the literature. It's those most affected by the adoption that are coming forward not those who grew up and moved on and adoption is only one part of their story.

I know we wouldn't have adopted it we had had to maintain face to face contact with the birth family. They are our children and they have a lovely protected life. We changed our children's names to give them a better chance in life ( they had for example names like Thor, Loki and Renesmee and are now, Theo, Luca and Esme) **just an example. We never send photos so they can be captured in birthday parties and their identity remains safe. They know their story, they know why we are their parents. We write to the birth family yearly. It would be awful for them to feel split between two worlds.

Surely they need to review the impact this has had,before more children lose the chance at having a family?

I know someone distantly who did that, this was decades ago though. Didn’t want to allow her son then a toddler to be adopted by his foster parents “because he’s MINE”. For whatever reason he later ended up in children’s homes where he was sexually abused for years. It’s not birth mum’s fault about the SA but it’s heartbreaking to think of that poor boy (now a troubled adult) going through all that he did when if his BM hadn’t made that decision (and then stopped contact with him not long after he was of an age he was seriously unlikely to be adopted anyway ffs) he would have hopefully grown up in a loving family.

Yes, you do? I have already looked into several adoption agencies and most of them are international, and there is absolutely the choice for the adopters to have no contact with biological parent(s).

As the child's mom, I get to make the decision of what is best for the child and what is not, until the child is old enough to make that decision on his/her own, and I would support whatever they pick.

But I will not pick a child to adopt where the bio family is in contact with them. And this supports OP's post that having this as a requirement is hurting the future of these children because people are going to say no to them just because of this rule. It should be completely up to the adopters whether they want to have contact or not.

Interesting thread but a big, complex topic.
Firstly, I think that amongst other reasons then the length of time it can take to get to adoption can be too long - when removed and placed into LA care at birth but the birth parents fight this then it may be upto 2 years or so, a lost opportunity for some babies imo - though I equally think birth parents should have these chances to challenge or change - so no solution to that - but may be a reason for some of the non adoptions as people prefer younger children mainly and 2 years of foster care doesn’t assist even a young kid’s stability. I’ve also heard quite ridiculous stories of adoptions being stopped last minute as birth parents lived in the area for example, so none too sure of LA admin handling always!
As an adoptee (from a few weeks due to me being old now!) it’s really difficult to explain that my adopted parents are my parents but I still had a pull just to know who my birth family were to ‘complete’ something. It happens I only got contact in my early 50s and then just birth siblings as birth mum had passed away - it’s caused issues for one as they felt they can’t have been as close to their mum as they thought but solved a few questions for some of the family too. It’s interesting to me to see what part genes play in my own kids - including traits not just looks - and has been invaluable medically. But as I say it’s complex and hard for birth and adopting parents (and the whole family) to get how you view it - though this is of course my way and others can be different. As every person/child is different, adopted or not.

I was born during ‘clean break’ era though always knew I was adopted - but think some knowledge/even meeting would have been more beneficial - but not too much.
I thought, as some previous posters, it was seen as pre empting some of the absolute catastrophes caused by kids doing their own finding. I did my own in the end - not so hard but I was an adult. But it’s a risk all round and often due to simple curiosity, rather than plans to change parents. Although I do think kids often would like to live with other families - in their heads - I know plenty have said they hoped they were adopted! But these are just words and tantrums - but not growing up knowing ‘well they’re the birth ones’ can cause a deeper drive to maybe try to create a new family whilst you’re an angry/mixed up teen - simple and minimal contact could stop this scenario.
No answers, just thoughts, but it’s complex and individual so difficult to have a definitive answer on much around adoption.

I’ll also add that when we started the adoption process in Scotland we were told we were not good candidates because my husband vapes, is self employed and we both have divorced parents. They wanted us to jump through absolute hoops to “overcome these concerns”.

I agree. If its really really going to be positive for a child to remain in regular contact with birth parents, isn't long term fostering the more appropriate route?

I do also think people are increasingly hyper aware of how common it is for children who wind up adopted to have major additional needs (including things like FASD, damage due to drugs in pregnancy, attachment disorders and other impacts of the trauma of their early lives) and how poor the support often for this. I know many adopters and a high proportion have had to have one parent stop work to facilitate therapies and care.

I was step parent adopted at the age of three. My adopted father's family never accepted me and it was extremely painful growing up knowing that half my family weren't there for me. Looking very different from them didn't help either. After reaching adulthood I spent years trying to trace my biological father and his family. Thanks to the paucity of information in my adoption records it was a long and painful process. A DNA test finally provided the answers I needed. Contact with my biological father probably wouldn't have been helpful but it would have been useful to have known he died of a heart attack at the age of 47. He was also mixed race so basically for most of my life my ethnicity was erased. Contact with my half siblings and paternal grandparents would have been helpful too.

I don't think there can be a one-size-fits-all policy. It has to be in the interests of the child, and that will vary on a case by case basis.

In our experience, sporadic contact with birth family was helpful to a degree. DS was aware of who they were and I was able to answer his questions as and when they arose.

Our experience (20 years ago) was that social services were gung-ho for contact, but once the adoption was completed SS vanished from our lives and the only person driving contact was one overworked person who had a number of families and contact packages to oversee. I kept our contact going for the first couple of years (twice a year) just so I could say "I abided by it" but it became clear that the birth family were struggling to keep their end of the contract, it was hard for them, so I just let it tail off.

Social media should not be underestimated and the problems that this brings. Adopted children can potentially be contacted by their birth family members without the adopted parent knowing anything about it. So some contact along the way, in a safe and controlled manner, might be beneficial in the long term, to avoid the complete carnage that some families have experienced by unexpected contact being made in secret.

Contact is a tricky subject, and I didn't like it at the time, but looking back I am happy we had the sporadic contact we did as it made it easier in the long run.

DS has a loose relationship with various family members now, he is unimpressed with birth mum, aware how completely dysfunctional they are as a whole and is very glad he was bought up by us. I have met some of his siblings and they have been over for meals. DS doesn't want to blend it any further, he likes to know them and be able to talk to them, but doesn't want them as a big part of his life. He says they are too needy and take too much emotional effort.

courts can grant a placement order and release a child for adoption if necessary. Birth parents do not have the final say. Their parental rights can be terminated and most children who are adopted have been in this position because not many birth parents consent to adoption for various reasons.

Biologically they are, and children often feel later they want to know more about their biological parents. But given many (most?) parents whose kids need adopting are not putting them first, how appropriate is ongoing contact for most cases?

The adoption support fund has been massively cut for this financial year, and its future from April 26 onwards remains unknown. I imagine this is also having a huge impact on decisions made by prospective adopters. A sad situation all round.

No I just understand a lot about safeguarding children and believe everything should be child centred.

This isn't how it works in the UK. In the UK, adoption is about providing a family for a child who needs one, not providing a child for adults who want one.

Maybe you're not aware that your posts have overtones of picking a child from a catalogue to meet your requirements, that can cause those of us with adoption in our lives to get tetchy.

YANBU. Could it also be affected by the number of families only wanting 1 child, and the increase in IVF success?

If contact is restricting adoptive families (which I can totally see why this would be the case), then I strongly feel contact should stop to give the children a chance of a loving family. The care system is dangerous and damaging for children, the less time in care, the better.

Do you not let your children see their siblings? As a mum of six I find this incredibly sad.

Mine are grown up now, but I always worried that if they became orphans they'd be split up in the care system.

I worked extensively years ago in freeing children for adoption and I agree with every word, back then a child under 7 was likely to be adopted, under 3 absolutely would and this isn’t the case at all now it’s so sad and unfair on the children, I had a career change I found it increasingly difficult seeing children in the foster system long term and having contact that does not in any way benefit them

I've looked at the Adopted subreddit and I wonder if US narratives could be muddying the waters. US adoption seems to often have been monetised in the past, and, especially with international adoption, have sometimes involved taking children from families who were poor but not inadequate parents. I don't think UK adoption has generally been like this.

Surely the decrease in adoption is also affected by abortion being more accessible and socially acceptable?

Adoption isn’t as black and white as this. It’s incredibly complex and nuanced.

I disagree. This might be true for some people but not in every situation.

I'm not a full adoptee but my mum left my birth father when I was very young for the man who eventually married her and adopted me.

I saw my birth father and my grandparents occasionally until I was about 4. Then the adoption went through and I never saw him again.

i grew up accepting this situation as normal and didn't think it affected me. I now realise it had a massive and negative impact. In my child's mind I was obviously so unlovable that my own dad could walk away and not give a shit about me. The occasional contact visit or even letter would have reassured me that I mattered and made all the difference to my self esteem and sense of self.

I'm in my sixties now. I've been married 40 years and have lovely children and a grandchild due imminently. My adoptive dad was lovely and in many ways I've led a charmed life but deep down I still long for connection with the 'missing' dad and his extended family. Even a negative connection would reassure me that the right decisions were made all those years ago.

I don’t know that foster carers are any more equipped than adopters to take on our children. Also, they have the right to give 28 days notice on a placement. Adopters can’t do that. When we reach the end of our rope, we are threatened with the police and court. My AD1 made a false allegation of assault against me, I was arrested and detained in custody for 21 hours. I was still expected to have her home with me. No foster carer would have been asked this.

I agree. I was adopted so have a little insight. It would have helped me to have some contact. Each case should be viewed individually, there's no one size fits all with issues like this.

I have a friend who's grand daughter was adopted. There was pressure from social workers for her to take on her grand child but she had started a degree several miles from home and could not commit to being a full time parent.

A few years ago the grand daughter made contact via social workers.

Now my friend, her daughter,grand daughter and now great grand child face time on a regular basis.

My friend had to just hope her grand daughter would have a good life with new parents and didn't hear anything for 12-14 years.

I think some contact in that time would have benefitted both of them.

Maybe not with my friend's daughter, she wasn't able to look after her child, but there were other family who would have liked contact, even if it was a letter once a year saying things like how she was getting on in school.

Many families have people not able to look after a child full time but wanting to support the child.

I think yabu. My ds had a friend at nursery who was in foster care. He named his teddy after him.. when he was adopted all contact was stopped, even letters to the foster mum. Children deserve to know where they're from.

Yes, and international adoption has its own specific ethical issues...

Of course the children may benefit from contact from their birth family, look at ot from their view point now and when they are older, it should be what they want not the adults