Post adoption contact has ruined the chance of adoption for so many children

[Popcornhero]

I am a paediatrician, Mum of three children (who arrived by adoption) and have several foster carer and social worker friends. I keep seeing children no longer getting adopted now there is an expectation for face to face contact with birth families.

I have seen this through work recently, and today was chatting to a foster carer friend who was saying how many children in their fostering network are no longer being adopted. Shehas a 14 month old in her care, who she's been approached to keep as a long term foster as he's been up for adoption for a year with no one to take him.

The rules now around face to face contact with birth families have meant adoption rates have plummeted. I'm so angry about it. Children deserve a fresh start with their new family & they aren't getting it because needs of birth parents are being prioritised.

Some research suggests adoptees would have liked more contact, but there is a bias in the literature. It's those most affected by the adoption that are coming forward not those who grew up and moved on and adoption is only one part of their story.

I know we wouldn't have adopted it we had had to maintain face to face contact with the birth family. They are our children and they have a lovely protected life. We changed our children's names to give them a better chance in life ( they had for example names like Thor, Loki and Renesmee and are now, Theo, Luca and Esme) **just an example. We never send photos so they can be captured in birthday parties and their identity remains safe. They know their story, they know why we are their parents. We write to the birth family yearly. It would be awful for them to feel split between two worlds.

Surely they need to review the impact this has had,before more children lose the chance at having a family?

Try telling that to my kids.

Maybe for you it’s tone deaf, maybe the adopted person finds the person who they were removed from as they wouldn’t/couldnt prioritise them as young child as irrelevant as their birth parent found them?

I am adopted and completely agree. I never had contact with my birth mother until I was in my 20’s through my own choice and I wish I didn’t as it was a bloody disaster, same with my brother who’s birth mother now only contacts him when she needs money. My childhood was with my (adoptive) parents and (adopted) brother, it was simple, safe and normal. My cousins adopted 2 years ago, little one was almost 15 months old when they legally adopted him but he was in foster with them for a while first, he has fortnightly visits with his birth mother and biological siblings and it must be so confusing for him. I always said when I was growing up I want to foster/adopt when my children have grown up and moved out but now I just don’t think I could.

I suppose many adopted children will always carry a secret hope that their mum will one day come through for them. If I were an adopter I think that would have to be part and parcel of the process that I'd have to accept and never hold it against them. Easy for me to say though, obvs.

Just to add, there are no ‘rules’ about direct contact. Also, there are many reasons that prospective adopter numbers are falling off a cliff. The authorities and the government like to say it’s because of the cost-of-living crisis. I prefer to think that prospective adopters are savvying up and reading and researching about just how hard life is with adopted children. It’s all lovely in the early years. But just wait till puberty and identity crises hit and watch the proverbial hit the fan. Also, there is NO meaningful support. Just none. Even worse, you will be fobbed off from universal services like CAMHS (crap as they are) because everyone thinks you have access to Willy Wonka’s Golden Ticket, namely the Adoption & Special Guardianship Fund, whereby unscrupulous ‘therapeutic’ professionals will quadruple their hourly rates to provide BS ‘play therapy’ for your child. Because paid for by the government.

I don't know how widespread the expectation of face to face contact actually is? We're in the process of adopting, birth family are as low risk for face to face contact as they get (notwithstanding the very good reasons why their children are being placed for adoption) and still no one has suggested face to face contact. It's considered too risky in case birth family say something that destabilises the placement. The only face to face contact I know of personally, the birth family have severe learning difficulties, so I think it will be pretty obvious to the child why they were adopted and I think it will benefit them to have that piece of identity there.

One of the school Mums at DD's Primary did short term Fostering. They collected a baby from the hospital and then had her for around a year before they decided to try and adopt her. They were refused as they were all white and the child was not, although the father was unknown so nobody knew the childs ethnicity but it was based on appearance (although she certainly wasn't black and looked just slightly darker than the average caucasian with dark brown hair any eyes). There were also issues around contact with siblings who were still with the mother but with a GP involved. The family were told after 2 years of checks etc that they couldn't adopt her by which time she was firmly part of the Foster family and the school community. The family were asked to continue to foster her but were warned that at any time with 24 hours notice or less she could be taken away and they would be allowed no further contact, it was heartbreaking for everyone, including the other DC in the family who could lose their "sister" at any point.
I don't know whether that happened or she stayed with them long term but it was very difficult at the time. The Mum said she would never foster again

It should be case by case and child led. At the end of the day, your genetics are a hugely important part of your identity. The people who raise you are instrumental and crucial in your life, but most people also care about where they came from. For some adopted children, that longing to find their birth family, and the feeling the don't belong, will never go away. All adoption comes from a place of significant trauma. Others will live their lives not thinking about it very much. I think for some children, maintaing a relationship with their biological family is really important. For others, it will make them feel confused and unsafe. It's also important to hold empathy for biological parents. Some people love their children, but just aren't equipped to be parents, due to their own parenting/childhood/life circumstances/mental illness, etc. A child might not be safe to remain with them, but it doesn't mean they shouldn't know them. The only time I wouldn't advocate for contact would be in truly abusive scenarios, but a lot of adoption stories are bourne out of cycles of generational trauma, poverty, etc.

I think some children would be better suited to long-term foster placement tbh. It's always felt weird to me that you adopt, and then there's this weird pressure that that should be it, as children have a new family now. The societal view is that adopted children are lucky to have found a loving family, but that narrative doesn't take into account the trauma of it. People underestimate early attachment relationships and the profound impact it has on children to be removed then never see their biological family again.

The reality is thar we all have a biological family. And idk, it just kind of feels like a human right to me to be given the chance to know them, if safe to do so.

I'm suprisrd the Local Authority consented to name changes, unless the parents are high risk. It's usually drilled into adopters that changing names is not acceptable unless it's unsafe not to.

Both families then, and I say this as someone who was adopted at birth.
Were you?

Definitely with you on this. My sister is 'fostering to adopt' a little girl, she has been with her for just over a year, and has to see her birth mum and grandma every month. She is unsettled for at least 2 to 3 days afterwards, and it's a case of 2 steps forward 1 step backwards in her settling and behaviour. And the contact is expected to continue post adoption. The child was in foster care for a year prior to being with them, so it's been 2 years of going back and forth.

obviously it is a v emotive subject as already evident on this thread but I think one of the big problems with expecting direct contact after adoption is that there is v little chance of any meaningful support from social services to facilitate it and provide help and support should it destabilise the adoptive family.
Post adoption support is rubbish anyway and there is no money or staff in the system to improve the situation.

obviously it is a v emotive subject as already evident on this thread but I think one of the big problems with expecting direct contact after adoption is that there is v little chance of any meaningful support from social services to facilitate it and provide help and support should it destabilise the adoptive family.
Post adoption support is rubbish anyway and there is no money or staff in the system to improve the situation.

Not very widespread at all in my experience. Very small minority, and that's mainly parents with learning disabilities, or a grandparent who is perfectly safe but unable to offer long term care due to things like medical needs and infirmity.

The problem with staying in foster care is there aren't enough carers. The system is going to collapse because children aren't moving on. Carers who would have had 3 or 4 children in 2 years now have 1. Then if they keep them they are lost as a placement for other kids. It's a bit like bed blocking in hospitals, for want of a better analogy.

I agree with you... if they cannot make the changes in their life to be a stable family, they dont deserve that child.

I imagine this scenario: A teenager, shouting at the adopted parents "you arent even my real Mum & Dad!" Then running off to see their drug addicted biological mother - who will have no boundaries or responsible parental instincts. That mother will likely expose that teen to things that were the very reason they were removed from her care!

My cousin had her baby removed because she refused to leave her peado abuser boyfriend. She doesnt deserve to see that baby again. I dont give a stuff about her mental health in this scenario - that baby is all that matters.

Some adopted people take that view. Some do not. Both are valid. You don’t get to speak for everyone. It’s also incredibly reductive - and manipulative - to tell adopted children that the family they were born into don’t care about them.

I thought the same.
My name was changed but I was adopted in the 70s.
I often wonder if that is part of my mental health problems, knowing someone, being part of them and being called a name, then suddenly separated and being called something else must be very confusing for a newborn.

Yes, feel free to read my posts.

This is interesting. I’m an adoptee too and also have no desire whatsoever to have contact with ‘biological’ relatives, none of whom stepped up for me. Absolutely none whatsoever. Skimming through this thread it seems that all the adoptees (but not adopters) agree with the OP. I can’t think of anything more destabilising and unsettling than this contact. I also do feel, for my part, that I owe a huge amount to my adoptive parents who have always loved me as their own daughter. I am their child and they are my parents- no one else has earned that title. I am grateful that I was taken out of a shit situation by wonderful, kind people, and, call me old fashioned, but that means something. They were the ones to put me first and not the so called ‘birth family’. I owe them nothing.

You've misunderstood my use of the word cares. They may care about the child they give up but they do not do any of the caring. Parents, real parents, care and are there for there child as they grow up. You are right though, this is my opinion based on my experience.

Are you adopted?

Right there with you on this as a fellow adoptee.

The people I was born to are definitely not my family

I’m a birth mother. I have direct contact. I think every case is different. I have a good relationship with them all.

Completely agree. The idea of being encouraged into a relationship with people too selfish to put me first at my most vulnerable makes me physically queasy.