Post adoption contact has ruined the chance of adoption for so many children

[Popcornhero]

I am a paediatrician, Mum of three children (who arrived by adoption) and have several foster carer and social worker friends. I keep seeing children no longer getting adopted now there is an expectation for face to face contact with birth families.

I have seen this through work recently, and today was chatting to a foster carer friend who was saying how many children in their fostering network are no longer being adopted. Shehas a 14 month old in her care, who she's been approached to keep as a long term foster as he's been up for adoption for a year with no one to take him.

The rules now around face to face contact with birth families have meant adoption rates have plummeted. I'm so angry about it. Children deserve a fresh start with their new family & they aren't getting it because needs of birth parents are being prioritised.

Some research suggests adoptees would have liked more contact, but there is a bias in the literature. It's those most affected by the adoption that are coming forward not those who grew up and moved on and adoption is only one part of their story.

I know we wouldn't have adopted it we had had to maintain face to face contact with the birth family. They are our children and they have a lovely protected life. We changed our children's names to give them a better chance in life ( they had for example names like Thor, Loki and Renesmee and are now, Theo, Luca and Esme) **just an example. We never send photos so they can be captured in birthday parties and their identity remains safe. They know their story, they know why we are their parents. We write to the birth family yearly. It would be awful for them to feel split between two worlds.

Surely they need to review the impact this has had,before more children lose the chance at having a family?

Well, it IS in fashion. That doesnt mean it isnt the right thing to do where appropriate, I'm just pointing out that we are all coming from a set of assumptions about what works for children and we badly need more evidence and resources to provide tailored responses

@Turnerskies I hear a lot of talk about how much adopted children look like their adoptive parents and how lucky this is - both from "lay people" who know a child is adopted and from other adopters. We cannot pretend DD is a child of both of us, but I've always found this a bit odd when people have said it about DS or their own children. It's like being adopted is a dirty secret/second best/we should pretend it isn't happening.

@drspouse that doesn't HAVE to be the interpretation?

What else would you suggest?
I mean, I've never regarded it as a positive character trait to "look like my parents" and I don't understand at all the phrase "he/she came by it honestly" when it means someone resembles their parents (usually in aptitude or ability rather than looks TBF). So why is it a good thing to say "he looks like you, nobody would ever think he's adopted"?

@drspouse

I'm actually losing the will here, and I'm the adopted person.

I know you mean well but seriously, it's exhausting.

Someone I know has adopted a child and talks about adoption all the time in front of their child and uses it as a reason why the child isn't able to do something like empty the washing machine or make some toast, because of their poor start in life (adopted aged one - now late teens). If I were adopted I wouldn't want constant reminders and I wouldn't want to be always seeing birth siblings who I had no memory of living with, and who were living a different type of life to me, either.

Well, you aren't adopted, so I don't think you can think yourself into my kids' shoes, but that parent is just bizarre - though it's true for a lot of adoptees who've gone through trauma with birth family, or who had a very bad start in life (including before age 1) so that they have lasting difficulties, these difficulties can be similar to and as extreme as ASD or ADHD.

However my DCs probably both have ADHD and we don't use that as an excuse (nor obviously do we use their adoption - I dread to think if they come across a child like that and then come home saying "you can't make me do the washing because I'm adopted" - they'd get short shrift from me I can tell you!)

Do you think you wouldn't have wanted to meet your cousins if you'd never lived with them and they were living a different type of life? Because that's how my DCs see their birth siblings, they didn't know their cousins (they only have my nieces AFAIK - we don't know of any cousins in birth family) before they met them but they are interested in them and their lives and ask questions even though the cousins are young adults. How different can one child's life be from another if they all go to school/live in a Western developed country/eat burgers and chips/learn to ride bikes/insert other fairly common childhood experience here? When my two see photos of their siblings they comment "oh look X is playing in the snow, we did that yesterday didn't we" or "oh Y had their birthday party at ABC, didn't we meet them there one time?". The same as they do for their cousins. They ask who is in the photos, again same as for cousins "that's Mary isn't it?" (no, that's Susie, but I can see why you'd be confused, because the last time you saw Mary she was wearing that top). "look, Susie has a chocolate birthday cake, Granny made me one too didn't she".

One thing we've struggled with and which is related to your point as well is trying to get help for our DCs, as many others have - they needed adoption because their ND birth mum had such an extreme life of chaos she couldn't care for them or two older/two younger siblings. We cannot be certain that their difficulties are due to their inherited ND versus pre birth experiences but since they needed adoption due to their mum's ND it seems a bit of a moot point, but post adoption services won't do anything about an inherited condition - and if we said "well the behaviour is due to being adopted/early difficult circumstances" then we'd be offered things that won't help a ND child so there's little point in asking. So children CAN have difficulties related to adoption and it IS difficult to work out why any given child has any given difficulty (but it's not an excuse not to make toast).

So children CAN have difficulties related to adoption and it IS difficult to work out why any given child has any given difficulty (but it's not an excuse not to make toast).

Agree entirely with this!

It is if your adopted kid is blind and you don’t want any more visits from the fire brigade! 😆

OK maybe then!

Put them on washing duty and put Braille care tags in the clothing/braille labels on the washing machine?

Yup, I’m on it!

You seem quite set in quite negative opinions about other adopters tbh. Most adopters are doing our absolute best for our children.

Not all (or even any of the ones I know) are hellbent on pretending adopted DC are birth DC, or think being adopted is second best, or want to pretend to be the only parents their child has ever had, to shore up their own sense of self. A lot of us are actually doing what we believe is best for our DC to the best of our abilities, not suiting ourselves and then retrofitting explanations to pretend that we're trying to safeguard our child's best interests.

I believe that direct contact would have made attachment, already challenging, probably impossible for my DD. I do letterbox, with no expectation of a reply, I've never had one. I met BM in the early months of placement. I have done and will always do everything I can to protect my DC from the violent dangerous members of their birth family, and try to get the support they need against the odds while dealing with social workers who just blame me and refuse my DC therapy (despite their profile saying they would need therapeutic support throughout their childhood, we can't get any).

I think a blanket assumption that direct contact is good, is wrong. It might be for some children but it shouldn't be an expectation that it happen unless you can prove a good enough reason for it not to - who decides what a good enough reason is, especially if you're starting from a biassed unevidenced assumption that adopters just want to paint birth family out for the picture for their own reasons?

I hesitate to stir the hornet’s nest again but I wanted to make all the adopters and adoptees here aware that the Adoption UK 2026 Annual Barometer survey is now live. You only have until February 9th to complete it. There are a few questions in the survey about contact with birth families.

Here is what AUK says about its survey: The Adoption Barometer is the only UK-wide comprehensive stock-take of adoption, based on the findings of a large annual survey of adopters and adoptees, and an assessment of government adoption policies.

How do you get on it?

@Popcornhero

This is a the link.

https://www.adoptionuk.org/the-adoption-barometer

I’ve completed the survey. As an adopted person my experience wasn’t a positive one. I have a considerable amount of trauma and no funds for therapy to deal with it.

Sometimes it's nice not to explain.
People don't guess my parents aren't my biological parents and it happens I let it be like that. It can be nice not to explain anything just being a daugter.

Have you tried PAC-UK? It is my understanding that you should be eligible for some free counselling. I hear you, my adopter experience has left me with PTSD and I cannot afford therapy either.

Thank you @ThePieceHall. I@ve tried PAC-UK before but there was nothing in my area. I@ve moved since then so will try them again. I hope you get the help and support you need.

Yes, you just have to keep pushing and pushing. Have you tried the NHS Talking Therapies? Also, are you involved in any adoptee groups? I know there is a growing groundswell now. I wonder if AUK offers any therapeutic support to adoptees? If I can think of anything else, I will let you know.

Have you tried Barnardo’s? Here is the link.

https://www.barnardos.org.uk/adopt/link-adoption-support-service

@AgitatedGoose

There may be some useful information for you here. Good luck.

https://www.adoptionuk.org/where-can-adopted-adults-go-to-find-support

PAC-UK is brilliant if you live in an area they are funded for. In the past I had counselling with them but my area no longer funds them and their private charges are very high.
CORAM funds counselling through a few local authorities.
NHS Talking therapies counselling is good but they are not specialist in adoption.

Agreed re: NHS Talking Therapies but it was the only service that would help me when I was arrested and detained in custody for 21 hours after my AD1 made a false allegation against me.