Post adoption contact has ruined the chance of adoption for so many children

[Popcornhero]

I am a paediatrician, Mum of three children (who arrived by adoption) and have several foster carer and social worker friends. I keep seeing children no longer getting adopted now there is an expectation for face to face contact with birth families.

I have seen this through work recently, and today was chatting to a foster carer friend who was saying how many children in their fostering network are no longer being adopted. Shehas a 14 month old in her care, who she's been approached to keep as a long term foster as he's been up for adoption for a year with no one to take him.

The rules now around face to face contact with birth families have meant adoption rates have plummeted. I'm so angry about it. Children deserve a fresh start with their new family & they aren't getting it because needs of birth parents are being prioritised.

Some research suggests adoptees would have liked more contact, but there is a bias in the literature. It's those most affected by the adoption that are coming forward not those who grew up and moved on and adoption is only one part of their story.

I know we wouldn't have adopted it we had had to maintain face to face contact with the birth family. They are our children and they have a lovely protected life. We changed our children's names to give them a better chance in life ( they had for example names like Thor, Loki and Renesmee and are now, Theo, Luca and Esme) **just an example. We never send photos so they can be captured in birthday parties and their identity remains safe. They know their story, they know why we are their parents. We write to the birth family yearly. It would be awful for them to feel split between two worlds.

Surely they need to review the impact this has had,before more children lose the chance at having a family?

We generally do once a year, we also do phone and email contact. It does vary, we never know if birth mum will arrive for a meet, sometimes she doesn’t, so we always set up as a day out somewhere so if she doesn’t show it isn’t a biggie as the kids aren’t told we’re meeting up with her. With the oldest, we actually do now tell him as he’s now able to understand why she might not be able to come. We didn’t have contact until he was about six, it built up from him wanting to send more stuff via letter box and slowly changed. So he’s probably met up with her five times since then.

@Nn9011 You are assuming that all research projects are published and accessible to all. That researchers also have access to all the communities they are trying to reach. Your comment comes across as slightly ignorant. The ethics application is a significant challenge even for those with actual lived expertise.

Education for a majority of care experienced people is difficult to access. Particularly education at PhD level that supports the types of research that is being commented on. However there is a collective of researchers who are also care experienced through adoption and the fostering systems that are conducting research and recruiting fellow Care Experienced People. However it is not simple as just deciding to do a research project it is academically rigorous and therefore a challenge and commitment.

I fostered my AD2 from birth and then had to transport to contact about four/five times a week for two years as the legal proceedings were so protracted and complex. I adopted my AD2 when she was nearly 2.5. Initially, the plan was only for letterbox, I think? But we live only eight miles away from BM and I guess I had built up a relationship with her and I understood that she (probably) has undiagnosed learning disabilities and that she herself is vulnerable to predatory men due to her own abusive childhood. She is not a bad person. She is kind, loves AD2, I feel huge compassion for her and I know absolutely that she is very grateful for the childhood I am giving my/our daughter. Also, AD2 is an incredibly strong-willed, very clever little girl who knows her own mind. She WANTS to see BM regularly so I am guided by her wishes. As I’ve said before, AD2 has correctly identified BM’s vulnerabilities in life and she is caring and compassionate to her. Genuinely, she loves her. BM has never, ever let down AD2 regarding meet-ups. She is always there, on time. She drops everything to manage meet-ups. BM actually has a stable job now so we work contact around her days off. In November, the two of them went (without me) to the cinema to watch Wicked 2 and the week before Christmas, they went bowling. BM turned up with a wonderful bag of Harry Potter-themed gifts for my HP-obsessed AD2.

If I understand correctly you’re saying research on the experiences of adoptees now would be impossible because there are high rates of disability caused by in utero exposure to drugs and alcohol? I think there are obvious limitations with children/adults who are severely brain damaged but that doesn’t preclude them entirely from participation. Research with people with brain injury/learning disability exists.

And while I think you’re right that the proportion is much larger now, I believe it’s around 1/3 affected of FAS (and to varying degrees).

I do also slightly baulk at the reference to your AD’s bio parents mental health as if it’s a given that children of parents with mental ill health are themselves condemned. I’m sure you didn’t intend it that way but it reads pretty jarringly. Plenty of children are carers for their mentally unwell parents (which is undesirable of course), it’s not a given that they will inherit the same diagnosis.

Thank you, there is of course significant ethical considerations. I am going through the ethics process and it rigorously monitored for a reason. I think genuine and experienced researchers would be a position to carry out this type of research. as As an early career researcher I would not feel experienced enough to manage such a project. While managing the emotional impacts of such research. I do hope this changes in the future it is still very early days for care experienced researchers who finding their feet and developing their careers after years of being diminished and neglected by the state and education systems.

You’ve quoted me but I’m not sure if this was intended for me?

@Turnerskies sorry for your double loss.

I am a birth parent and an adoptee. Interestingly being adopted increases the likelihood of your child being adopted. For me it represented adoption being a viable possibility rather than proof of damage. It can be both of course.

@GeorgeTheFirst I think the UK did a fast volte-face moving from adoption being needed and originating in shame and poverty to it being, in its original form of relinquished ( or stolen) babies a sign of social failure and rendered obsolete by effective social support for pregnant women and their babies.

I believe countries where there is less support, notably America, have a steady stream of babies available for parents and this is commercialised so parents wanting to attract the most desirable babies offered and offer contact as part of the inducement. Societies that centre women have a range of contraception, access to abortions and social support for pregnant women and their children. This pretty much eliminated relinquished babies.

Contact in the uk has evolved alongside the better appreciated of how to do adoption well, no secrets, access to Information about birth families, issues with social media and children who remember birth relatives. It is ever more complex like adoption itself.

Professionally I would say the state is an appalling parent and the support for modern adoptive parents is abysmal making it some horrendous outcome lottery.
I predict it will only get worse as support for struggling families has been devastated so antenatal and postnatal periods will be ever more difficult for our most vulnerable women and their babies.

I feel like I’ve been really tolerant and patient. But, jeez, the obtuseness here is pretty extreme! Are you a social worker, perchance. There are NO definitive statistics on the prevalence of FASD in care-experienced children and young people because it is nigh on impossible to secure a diagnosis. Because there are only two respected clinicians in the whole of the UK. Also, if you know about FASD, you will understand about fluctuating capacities and spiky profiles.

Good luck with your work - I think it’s so valuable to be able to bring the autoethnographic to research while also having the scrutiny of colleagues to keep it rigorous. Are there any research networks in your field?

We tried to meet once a year until lockdown, then Zoom with grandparents and phone calls with mum for a couple of years, every 3-6 months. We haven't had any contact with GM for 3 years after both mum and GD died but we've had intermittent emails with one adoptive parent of a sibling. I've just found out I have the contact details for the foster carer of one other sibling (buried in a message from the AP) so have sent photos and asked she pass it on to GM as she lives closer - that sibling's birth dad has a lot of contact and as some have said was a more suitable candidate for long term foster care.
I looked back and we've been emailing about twice a year but would like to plan a visit - maybe if we and the other APs could travel to birth family area at the same time that might work.

As an adoptee I agree with OP. My parents are my parents. My only wish would’ve been more biological history. I wouldn’t have wanted contact with my biological mother (my biological father ended things when he found out about the pregnancy).

If you are working in this field, it is really basic to know that there are significant genetic components to mental health disorders like schizophrenia, personality disorder and neurodivergences.

I’ve told you already I’m not a social worker. You don’t need to be ‘tolerant and patient’, it’s a message board - you’re not compelled to reply!

Yes, of course it’s a complex picture, and diagnosis is a battle, like all ND. The stat of 1/3 comes from Adoption UK who probably have access to the widest network of adopters/adoptees. It’s also possible that the prevalence is overestimated by adopters, given the difficulty getting a diagnosis.

Yes, and many epigenetic ones also. You seem blinded by your own experience, and unable to be civil so I’ll wish you good luck but won’t respond further.

I see what you mean i know of someone who has had their child adopted they still have contact biological mom has severe additional needs and cannot care for herself biological father is abusive biological nan has additional needs and her marriage was abusive the whole family is not stable she even has a new boyfriend (met on the Internet love at first sight etc etc) who wants to "bond" with her child....if I were the adopters I would not want to be involved with this situation its not the sort of situation you would want a stuffed animal involved in let alone a child

I meant to try and say I agree partly with your comments regarding research. In addition to expressing my feelings of frustration about the other posters comments. As I wrote in my more personal post of my experiences. I can see both sides of the arguments due to have a very analytical mindset. I recognise that is partly my autism and my brain, soul and personality to protect myself. It was only when I read the harrowing social care papers. That I stopped feeling guilty for not being able to connect with the biological mother. That does not negate the abuse I experienced from my adoptive father, the society I grew up (before adoption was fashionable or more accepted) and the professionals that contributed to the damage. The response to my speaking up was worse than the abuse itself. I am however trying to channel those experiences into a catalyst for change. It is straightforward or simple, emotionally, academically never mind financially to undertake such research. However my participation recruitment is open to all, I am not merely seeking negative accounts, I hope for positive accounts and experiences to be included.

I agree with this. Also, even when one child in a family does have FAS, it doesn’t follow that their siblings will have it. Whilst my AD1 has FAS, AD2 doesn’t and is NT. (Although she does suffer from anxiety.)

I am not undertaking an auto ethnographic study(I was initially, however that was more about my other needs). Ironically i did not choose to undertake this journey, it choose me. I cannot do an ethnographic study, I am insider. I am planning what is called a narrative analysis.

I am writing my thoughts and reflections on the sides and shall decide in future if I want to publish it. It would never be a misery memoir though, nor inspiration porn.

I am very fortunate to be in a network of other CEP researchers. However access to this group is private and only for CEP researchers. It is a safe space for us to share our inner selves with those who understand from the inside.

I get you. As with all social
research there’s challenges in recruiting and protecting participants and in reflecting their experiences and drawing conclusions based on them. There does seem to be a lot of replies in the thread that can only see it their way and from their own perspective. I think lots of us are also trying to see both sides. I totally get why adopters want to be left to do their job of parenting and that many have negative experiences with social workers. And it’s great to hear from people who are happy to have had a complete break from their bio parents and no further contact. But there’s also lots of evidence that this is not good for people. And especially for children who remember their parents or who have been in multiple placements before adoption. I think a pp said ‘there is no right answer’ and I think that’s probably right - everyone is different and ‘adoption’ covers a wide range of experiences which changes over time. Are you doing research now?

Great post.

Re apps : what do you mean? Are adopted kids given an app?

That sounds great, really interesting work. By insider do you mean your experience, or that you’re inside a system you can’t study ethnographically?

AdoptionUK in no way has the most up-to-date statistics regarding the incidence of FASD in adopted children. AdoptionUK is not a representatitive union of adopters it is a paid-for membership organisation. It does not represent me because I do not pay for membership. The name is a misnomer. There are better groups out there representing and reflecting the experiences of adopters now, such as PATCH & the POTATO Group. It’s a little like suggesting the National Trust reflects the cultural experiences of the entire UK. I would trust the FASD Network more regarding the incidence of FASD in adopted children.

Yes...it's uncomfortable to admit adopted children may have inherited problems but it shouldn't be. We need to face the situation as it is.

No, they are not given an App.

Hmm..yes that sounds odd.

Ahappyplaty, what did you mean about the app? Did you mean adopted parents get given an app which they might show their child?