Post adoption contact has ruined the chance of adoption for so many children

[Popcornhero]

I am a paediatrician, Mum of three children (who arrived by adoption) and have several foster carer and social worker friends. I keep seeing children no longer getting adopted now there is an expectation for face to face contact with birth families.

I have seen this through work recently, and today was chatting to a foster carer friend who was saying how many children in their fostering network are no longer being adopted. Shehas a 14 month old in her care, who she's been approached to keep as a long term foster as he's been up for adoption for a year with no one to take him.

The rules now around face to face contact with birth families have meant adoption rates have plummeted. I'm so angry about it. Children deserve a fresh start with their new family & they aren't getting it because needs of birth parents are being prioritised.

Some research suggests adoptees would have liked more contact, but there is a bias in the literature. It's those most affected by the adoption that are coming forward not those who grew up and moved on and adoption is only one part of their story.

I know we wouldn't have adopted it we had had to maintain face to face contact with the birth family. They are our children and they have a lovely protected life. We changed our children's names to give them a better chance in life ( they had for example names like Thor, Loki and Renesmee and are now, Theo, Luca and Esme) **just an example. We never send photos so they can be captured in birthday parties and their identity remains safe. They know their story, they know why we are their parents. We write to the birth family yearly. It would be awful for them to feel split between two worlds.

Surely they need to review the impact this has had,before more children lose the chance at having a family?

I guess I mean both elements. I cannot ethnographically study a community that I am part of as an adoptee. Due to my specific topic, I would also be considered part of the system therefore it would not be ethnographic either. I really wanted to do a hermumentic phenomenological study.

In academic research you do not always get to choose the analytical approach. Rigorous research does not operate in that manner. Hence why is not as a simple as people think. I hope to expand into participatory research in future which was another reason to move away from auto ethnographic research.

We have the option to move to an App for contact, but we are currently sticking to traditional routes. I can see younger adopters preferring the App method.
However letterbox contact is meant to be adult to adult, not adult to child so I don't see why a child should have the App, unless they take over contact as an older teen.

She means that communicating with birth family via an app would mean it was on your phone in your pocket making you think of birth family all the time.
My DCs already think of their birth family and they know we email them and that we have had zoom calls and have met them. It doesn't seem to prevent them from living a normal teen/preteen life, going to school and scouts and music and swimming. They have questions - I got a photo of a younger sibling's birthday recently and they were checking they understood who it was, where they live etc. DD is more inquisitive about this than DS but I gather that's common for girls vs boys.
Given their interest in birth family I would be totally negligent if I didn't answer all questions they have. And given the negative attitude I've seen from many APs where they sound like they just want to pretend BF don't exist, and the fact that it's not something children are going to have the language to ask about, we started talking about them, showing photos, and visiting from a very young age.

Exactly, especially as it's increasingly likely children & early teens will have much more restricted Internet access in coming years. That would be especially relevant to kids with potential vulnerabilities, including adopted kids.

That sounds like a good arrangement.

I don't think kids understand a certain age should have a phone at all, anyway. That'd different to Zoom calls etc managed by the adopted parent.

Re medical history as pp mentioned, are there ways for a person to find this out if they don't want contact? People shouldn't have to have contact but I was wondering about workarounds as medical history is important.

Interesting - I would say an autoethnographic approach would only be open to people who are part of the community. Though of course your system role might make that challenging or impossible (practically or ethically). My own work is phenomenological so I’m an advocate for that. Your lived experience will be so helpful though. Wish you luck with it.

I agree entirely @Popcornhero.
The whole purpose of adoption is parent(s) welcoming a child as though that child was born to them. Full parental rights. An information link is entirely necessary for adoptees, information to be used as the adoptee (and the adoptee alone) sees fit. Forcing/obliging an emotional link on to an adoptee (by letterbox or direct contact) is a recipe for disaster. It's both heartbreaking and infuriating that the do gooders who pushed for this have did anything but good. I worked in the sector briefly, and it wasn't just the contact obsession that horrified me - it was also the focus during prep groups and home study on adopters making their child's adoptive status a defining feature of their child's being. The successful adopters were the ones who had ignored that advice and raised their child as they would've a birth child. I saw some very mixed up children for whom their adoptive parents had made adoption chat a weekly occurrence!
And don't get me started on 'entertainment' programs like long lost family! The majority (about 95%!) of adoption 'reunions' I was privvy to ended in tears.

Of course, but let’s not write them off or pathologise the traumatic impact of disrupted early years.

Nobody here is writing off adoptive children. Least of all the adoptive parents. It does a huge disservice when everything is fobbed off to ‘attachment and trauma’. Neurodivergences and inherited mental health disorders do exist at high levels in our children. Plus the FASD and the NAS and the learning disabilities. Maybe it’s you who are blinded by your experience? Adoption is a triumph of hope over experience.

😂

I understand this topic is emotive for you and you have experience of being an adoptive parent. However, your comments are becoming triggering and quite frankly offensive to those who have been traumatised by adoption. I guess your defence shall be that you are discussing the current children and young people in the adoption system. Yet you are being incredibly ignorant and rude towards those who are older adoptees.

The reality is that no one knows what the children and young people are currently experiencing, they maybe not able to describe this themselves. It is unlikely that their voices shall be heard for at least another twenty/thirty years or more… As far as I am aware, you were not forced to be an adoptive parent. I maybe incorrect and you like my adoptive mother (who was clearly coerced into adopting me) and not really wanted to adopt. I was not actually wanted by her, I wanted by him. The social workers somehow persuaded her to have me. I was not blessed to be adopted, I would actually rather have been in a children’s home. I was in a children’s home for a while (it was safer there) as a teenager then ran away at 16 to escape, for years I lived in poverty to escape not only him, it was an escape from the narrative I should be grateful.

ADOPTION IS NOT ALWAYS A TRIUMPH OF HOPE IT CAN ACTUALLY BE AN ADDITIONAL FORM OF TORMENT.

Can you begin to imagine a life where you had two sets of parents. Yet you do not belong in either environment. The shame you feel as a human being who was abused/rejected by both your biological and legal parents. The struggle for identity and belonging. Seriously get your head out of the clouds. Not all adoption is altruistic even in today’s world. Yes there are those who are genuine, there are also those who are not.

Someone asked upthread about how birth mothers could be encouraged not to keep 'replacing' children taken for adoption by having new babies. There is a charity called Pause which works with birth mothers who have lost at least three children. In return for consenting to long acting contraception, they are given a key worker and loads of support to fix accommodation, get training, leave abusive relationships etc. The support is long term - not cheap but way cheaper than the alternative.

I dont know how they're doing - I only attended the launch event - but I did like the model. There are ethical considerations with the requirement to use LARC but to my mind they are acceptable as the scheme would be unworkable without this.

At the point of adoption you are given all the known medical history and I was offered an appointment with a doctor to talk it through (which went very badly!). There are often lots of unknowns, though. A significant number of birth parents were themselves in care or had disrupted family relationships. I doubt whether contact is a major source of medical information.

Limpet loop upthread mentioned

There is! And it’s being rolled out!
www.cypnow.co.uk/content/news/digital-life-story-tool-to-roll-out-across-regional-adoption-agencies

No idea of it’s an App or a website. But it’s a digital tool that would have reminded my mother, father and I that I’m adopted every time they looked at their phone.

I do get some children want this but I’m not keen on it being the default stance. I have never been contacted by SS or asked to partake in research. School didn’t even know I was adopted. I am pretty sure many adoptees are unlikely to be on databases for research - especially success stories.

I rarely discuss adoption but if course it has come up in many conversations and so many people recite the need for the child to understand their story or have contact. (Usually by people with no skin in the game). And to me it feels similar to children being forced to meet their abusive parent in a contact centre because the judge ordered it to happen. Allowing that parent to continue the abuse, or mess the child about or ensure the parents get their rights!

Maybe being allowed to forget while building a stable relationship in a loving home is the best solution for some adoptees but contact for identity seems to be the default position.

I saw a really interesting programme about Pause. It seemed to do excellent work.

Just reposted the earlier link that was posted. I hadn’t heard about this until this thread.

Extract - Stephens added: “Letters can now be uploaded directly by adoptive and birth family members, removing delay and supporting a more modern approach to building and maintaining relationships.
“This offers a much more coherent life story for a child to access, with memories being stored safely.”
Stephens explained that the pilot had encouraged engagement from birth relatives who had not previously taken part in letterbox exchanges.
“Many have spoken about how they prefer receiving their letters on VMB,”

It doesn’t say if it’s an app or a website or a device. I was being facetious. I am very glad I didn’t have a device to remind me my identity need to be centred around my adoption and any associated trauma. To me it doesn’t sound healthy. I was adopted, it’s a very tiny part of who I am. I am very glad I didn’t have a daily/weekly/monthly reminder.

I am really into memories but I still don’t think this would have helped me.

That's not a contact app, it's a life story app.
I'm not sure it would be that helpful, though, given that most of the information we have about birth family is information we've gathered (and LAs are notoriously inaccurate in creating life stories).

My DCs are reminded they are adopted every time they look in the mirror. It's not a failing or something we want to forget - I'm struggling a bit to see why you think it should be to be honest. It's not the first thing we tell anyone (or even in a list at all though if you see our DCs and us it's clear we're either adopters or a blended family). But just like having a step parent, it's neither something we tell the bus driver and the milk man, nor something we want to forget and never talk about.

To be fair, I have posted consistently about my two adoptive daughters’ respective experiences of adoption. I have answered the original question about ongoing contact with birth parents. Which I do support and can evidence. This is not just a thread for older adoptees. It is a thread for everyone. I belong here. I am part of the triad. I am not part of the problem. I am not going away. Nor am I going away. Personally, I have found very many comments here triggering ie those from older adoptees who want to shut down all discussion of ongoing contact with birth families because they had wonderful lives. My AD1 has not had a wonderful life, primarily due to her in utero experiences. My AD2 is having a happier life as she is not harmed by drugs or alcohol. I actually don’t support adoption any more, I don’t think it works in its current system for very many reasons. This is not a thread with exclusive access for older adoptees. We all bring our personal experiences here. Mine is just as valid as yours. There is such a huge amount of bigotry and toxicity in the adoption world and unfortunately, in my opinion of 20 years, this is what is hindering much-needed policy change. We are all fighting the same cause, albeit from different angles. I will argue to my death that contemporary adoption is not fit for purpose. Ditto the current structure of children’s services.

I thought letterbox exchanges happen around twice a year? Not extremely often?

Though otoh if birth family write a lot on the App it could be disruptive...but it seems birth parents often write less than they say they will, rather than more?

I understand the potential for harm, though.

Sorry I've read it through and I see you can also exchange letters - not sure how that's better or worse than email TBH.
I am also very confused about why @Ahappyplaty thinks it would be detrimental to remember you are adopted. Very puzzled. Is it a bad thing to be an adopted rather than a birth child? Are you protesting too much?

If the adoptive parents have the app, they would be able to let children know about letters when they judge it as appropriate. I agree that thus could be stressful or disruptive for them in some situations.

My AD1 was placed with me as a ‘healthy’ baby with no known medical or health needs. So far, she has 10 significant diagnoses, including being blind and having a very rare autoimmune disease. She had two lots of eye surgery when she was five and it would have been helpful to be able to tell the surgeon that she had a birth history of allergies to anaesthetics. But no contact. Conversely, because I/we have regular, ongoing meetings-ups with AD2’s BM, I know about all of the health issues within her birth family and the diagnoses of her multiple half-siblings. This has been extremely helpful in terms of being able to evidence to professionals/medics why I am thinking of, say, a particular neurodivergence. As it is, AD2 was diagnosed with ASD and ADHD via the NHS when she was just six. Conversely, AD1 who is by far the most harmed and disabled of my children was only diagnosed at 16.

I understood her point perfectly.

Remembering you are adopted is infinitely different to being told to remember you are adopted.

Adoptees are vulnerable in discussions like this (thus not surprising that an adoptee will approach such a chat with their guard up). 'Vulnerable' in the sense they may encounter unpleasant people who will pose prying questions. Or worse still, encounter thoroughly unpleasant people who will pose deliberately goading questions.

This extract suggests that letters can be uploaded by all parties.

Extract - Stephens added: “Letters can now be uploaded directly by adoptive and birth family members, removing delay and supporting a more modern approach to building and maintaining relationships.
“This offers a much more coherent life story for a child to access, with memories being stored safely.”
Stephens explained that the pilot had encouraged engagement from birth relatives who had not previously taken part in letterbox exchanges.
“Many have spoken about how they prefer receiving their letters on VMB,”

@drspouse no I’m not ‘protesting too much. I wrote a fair bit on this earlier but I appreciate the thread is long.

Is it better to be a birth child? Who knows? I guess it depends on your parents? Some birth parents are great/terrible and some adoptive parents are great/terrible as we have seen on this thread.

No it’s not detrimental to remember you are adopted. But I am not sure how contact with an unreliable parent who couldnt/wouldn’t parent me is in all children’s interests?. My point isn’t that I want to forget - it’s the fact I genuinely do not think about adoption for months on end. It’s not a choice it’s a fact that I am choosing to share.

And I believe that it’s worked for me, professional full time job, degree, well adjusted kids, married etc. None of these are signifiers of success we all make different life choices but I imagine it’s what some social workers would like for adoptees? I am at peace and hope my birth parents are content and have had a nice life. Do I think about them? Rarely.

If I left an abusive marriage why would I want to be reminded of that every day for the next 5-10-15 years by the womens aid app on my phone? If I got divorced why would I want to base my identity on being a divorcee? These examples may be rubbish, what I am trying to say is I am glad my identity was based on my interests and my personality. My hobbies. My passions. The life I built with my family. Adoption was never a focus. If I had a question it was answered by my parents. It wasn’t a daily reminder on my parents phone or Saturdays in a contact centre waiting for a no show.

I am guessing I have triggered you in some way if that is all you picked up on my posts. That wasn’t my aim. But ‘protesting too much’ really?