Post adoption contact has ruined the chance of adoption for so many children

[Popcornhero]

I am a paediatrician, Mum of three children (who arrived by adoption) and have several foster carer and social worker friends. I keep seeing children no longer getting adopted now there is an expectation for face to face contact with birth families.

I have seen this through work recently, and today was chatting to a foster carer friend who was saying how many children in their fostering network are no longer being adopted. Shehas a 14 month old in her care, who she's been approached to keep as a long term foster as he's been up for adoption for a year with no one to take him.

The rules now around face to face contact with birth families have meant adoption rates have plummeted. I'm so angry about it. Children deserve a fresh start with their new family & they aren't getting it because needs of birth parents are being prioritised.

Some research suggests adoptees would have liked more contact, but there is a bias in the literature. It's those most affected by the adoption that are coming forward not those who grew up and moved on and adoption is only one part of their story.

I know we wouldn't have adopted it we had had to maintain face to face contact with the birth family. They are our children and they have a lovely protected life. We changed our children's names to give them a better chance in life ( they had for example names like Thor, Loki and Renesmee and are now, Theo, Luca and Esme) **just an example. We never send photos so they can be captured in birthday parties and their identity remains safe. They know their story, they know why we are their parents. We write to the birth family yearly. It would be awful for them to feel split between two worlds.

Surely they need to review the impact this has had,before more children lose the chance at having a family?

Thank you, that was me. What you have described sounds like the kind of support I hoped might be out there.

That's why we don't tell all and sundry that our DCs are adopted. Not a reason not to talk about it regularly within our family.

You said it far more elequently! 😁

Remembering you are adopted is infinitely different than being told to remember you are adopted’.

That is exactly what I mean. Thank you.

It’s just an electronic memory box. Nobody needs to be showing anybody anything. It’s not a messenger service whereby people are expected to respond. It’s simply storage. The responsible adults are still in charge. And a better system for anyone who wants to know data is secure and not going to get lost or shredded by LAs or adoption agencies. A voluntary adoption agency was recently given massive fine for destroying all the paper records of its children in a bid to free up filing cabinets.

I agree with you completely. I could never adopt but those who do should not have to worry about the child’s birth family. Adoption should be a new start for all involved. TBH I don’t know how the adoptive children would feel so perhaps they have their place ?

Adoptive parents can't possibly "not worry" about their child's birth parents so it's probably just as well you aren't one...

Some adopters do want contact, adoptive parents need to be prepared for that possibility.

those who do should not have to worry about the child’s birth family. Adoption should be a new start for all involved. TB

I mean ‘worry ‘ in that they have to facilitate visits etc. I agree I could never be an adoptive parent. I’m much too selfish to raise someone else’s children and all the issues that comes with. Adoptive parents are saints imo.
If a birth parent has had children removed at birth are they eventually encouraged to get sterilised to prevent more children entering the system?

Well, our ADs aren’t just ‘someone else’s children’, they’re legally ours. But obviously they’re not exclusively ours and never will be. It isn’t something that’s ever bothered me, tbh, otherwise I wouldn’t have chosen to adopt AD2 as well, considering they’re birth siblings.

I could never be a foster carer, though, where the children you look after really aren’t your own, and you have no parental responsibility at all.

It’s definitely not about being a saint! Adoptive parents are just muddling through and doing our best, which I’ve been only too aware hasn’t been good enough recently.

Our birth parents refused to respond to letters when I asked about medical history. Two of my children have potential genetic conditions - one we are investigating currently and can test off siblings but we really need family history. They won't respond, which makes it very difficult for us to get the answers our daughter needs.

Our children's birth Mum was offered this ( they are a set of 10) but she refused any help.

When I mentioned an APP I didn't have WhatsApp in mind. I simply meant instead of me emailing a letter to the letterbox team, hoping they remember to copy and paste it onto their paper so my details aren't visible in the word document, then forwarding it to birth Mums email ( for her to read and not respond). I could instead put the letter onto an App like they do at nursery with our updates for my kids paintings and learning and then it's visible once a year to birth mum so she can read the letter and leave a comment below without the thought of writing and emailing the letterbox team

And that's great if your DC want to talk about it regularly. Not all do. I used to mark the date we first met, talk about FCs etc, DC1 hated it. Now we talk about it when she wants to, which is not regularly.

It's unnecessarily snarky to pretend to be puzzled because an adoptee posts that a different approach than you're using was best for her. Maybe that's protesting too much.

who is going to police inappropriate letters uploaded on an app?

Social workers will have access I imagine, but what do you mean by inappropriate? Because I've seen all sorts of normal sentiments labelled inappropriate by APs, though, so different people's idea of inappropriate may not be the same.

I am talking about contact that is going to destabilise a family. My child's mother is on one of those " an evil social worker stole my children " type sites and no.way would she be safe on an app where she could contact her children directly.
So my question is who is going to regulate this? And no doubt people will say the Soc Workers but experience has taught me that they cannot even manage the basics required by law a lot of the time and there is no money or capacity on the system as it is so this could be a minefield.

My thoughts exactly.

Also just because a child is taken from their birth parents it doesn’t mean they weren’t wanted, it doesn’t mean they aren’t missed every second of their life.

That narrative may help the “happily ever after” that adoption seems to act like, it may make adopters feel better to think that way but it’s not reality. Adoption is trauma.

Contact shouldn't be planned because children are wanted or missed though - that's about trying to meet the needs of the birth parents not the needs of the child. It should only ever be done for the sake of the child not to make adults feel better.

She would be contacting the APs though.
And it will be a lot safer with info shared both ways in early childhood and children seeing that she's not that exciting, than with her contacting them on social media when they reach 13 and run off to see exotic and thrilling birth mum on their own.

If the contact is with the AP that doesn't stop the birth mother contacting the child over social media at 13 and presenting a story that the AP failed to disclose/hid stuff etc.

There is no guarantee it is 'safer'.

Well you have made a lot of assumptions there. It may be safer for some and maybe not for others.
As several.adoptees have said they would've hated knowing their birth family was infringing on their life with their adoptive family.
And as an adoptor ( who offered face to face contact and is well used to contact as a long term foster carer ) I would not want to have the birth parents linked to my phone via an app thanks very much.
That is just too much .

I have a happy ever after story with no contact. I’m sure my parents feel the same - (I hope so 😂, I call my mum every day, sometimes I waffle away to her for an hour).

I doubt I’m the only adoptee that feels this way. Yes it’s a trauma. I am glad I was able to heal in a loving safe environment with no access to birth relatives. Maybe by being left alone to bond with my family it allowed me to attach securely and form my identity. It allowed me to connect and feel supported to explore the world and make mistakes.

’’Van der Kolk (the body keeps the score) work underscores the importance of creating safe, embodied experiences that contradict the helplessness and dissociation caused by trauma, enabling individuals to reclaim ownership of their bodies and lives.’’

I enjoyed the book, I know others may not be keen but this makes sense to me. Adoption is such a tiny chapter in my life. I’m not sure remaining in contact with people who caused trauma would work for everyone. I would have hated them to have a window into my life -my life and choices were no longer their business when I was handed to the state.

My family and I belong together. I belong to my parents in so much as I was under their care and responsibility. The same as my children (who are blood related) belong to me. It’s not about control but responsibility. I shared good times and bad with my siblings, we argued like all siblings do. But I belonged and it allowed me to have a normal childhood.

Contact with the birth parents doesn’t mean the birth parents won’t lie, disrupt or be a negative influence on their birth child. In fact surely it could be argued ‘your mum and dad trust me, social services trust me, your teachers trust me, of course I have your best interests at heart if not they wouldn’t let you see me’?

I agree with you totally and have rwad that book too.

@Juniperwilde And I really hope my birth parents are not missing me every second of their lives. I would hate that for another human being. I honestly hope they found peace and believe they made the right choice. Because I’ve had a lovely life with my family and if I hadn’t been adopted then I wouldn’t have had my family.

If they never thought of me again that’s okay too. Still hope they are at peace and have enjoyed life.

You also say it may make adopters feel better to think that way - I hope my family do think that way about my adoption!

I was also a solution for infertility, I’ve always known that (then they had birth children after me, doctors got it wrong 😁 - luckily for us all!)

I don't think it is about prioritising birth families it is about appreciating the trauma caused to children who have a strong bond with their parents/wider family. Contact is only encouraged if is in the best interests of the child. I know a case where this was definitely the best thing. I also have an adult friend who was adopted and treated awfully by the adopted family. Her saviour was the contact she had with her birth family.