Would you expect them to speak English too?

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Live abroad, huge expat population, majority of people speak English as well as the native language
Dh and I are both British, Dh speaks the native language fluently as works with colleagues who speak no English and has been forced to learn more quickly. I speak the language but not fluently. Dc is fluent as attends the local school.
Dc often has close friends over, today one was over and everyone speaking in the native language (this boy speaks barely any English , but his dad asks my Dc to help him learn English)
Whilst he’s here, Dh has started speaking to dc in the native language and never any English, which admittedly does feel a bit uncomfortable for me all around me all afternoon. I speak a bit of both languages in order to help the other boy learn English too.
Today I just ended up going upstairs

Aibu to think Dh can speak to Dc in English too in our own home or is this my problem?

I don’t think anyone really understands what i’m saying

And in the huge international community around me, they all call themselves ex-pats, you have to live it to understand. I’m probably one of the very rare few who actually does speak the language
I barely know anyone who does, especially Brits

Just because they call themselves ex pats, doesn’t mean they’re not immigrants.
I have been an ‘ex pat’, I have lived in that community. It’s what British people call themselves to sound superior to other immigrants.

In a country that doesn’t speak English?

don’t be that person

OP, I’ve been in your exact position for the last 14 years, even down to my DH who has a better mastery of the local language than I do.

Im sorry, but I disagree that a local child should be spoken to in English in your home. In the beginning, I said ‘no’ to any play dates that would have required me to speak the local language all afternoon. I also didn’t feel comfortable if something went wrong, like the child getting injured or needing some kind of assistance. My language skills just weren’t good enough to navigate those situations.

I basically just had to force myself to improve in my language skills, and interact more with the local parents, and then I finally felt comfortable having the first play date fully in the local language at my house without DH around. It took me 10 years of living and working in the country, and my oldest DC was in year 1, to give you some perspective.

It’s really hard and I completely understand why you would prefer to only speak English at home. This is actually one of the (very long list!) of reasons why we are moving home next year.

There's not a lot of culture in being English

Do play dates without your OH around. You will find you have enough of the language to manage when you have to. You don’t need that much for a playdate really, my eldest finds my OH quite embarrassing as he is trying to be friendly and make jokes whereas I don’t say much and provide food which is much better apparently!

No, you’re still an immigrant. You and all other Brits there are immigrants. You’re no different to any other economic migrant and trying to label yourself as something else to sound different doesn’t change that.

Just because other people aren’t integrating, doesn’t mean it’s a good way to live. Your children are building their lives where you live now. They will eventually get jobs, fall in love, and raise families of their own. You can’t keep yourselves separate.

My area had many immigrants when I was growing up. It was so much easier for the children whose parents made an effort to integrate. They didn’t end up stuck translating for their parents. They didn't have to take on adult roles far too young because their parents could not fully navigate society. It was frustrating to watch even as a teenager. Understanding it now with the perspective of a parent of my own teen makes me even more upset.

Yep I know several German teens who moved over when they were toddlers, and still only speak German at primary level! If you don’t practice, you do forget vocab. They are fine in shops/watching films etc but they couldn’t even start to write an Alevel essay in German (regardless of topic), because they have just never learned to write at that level in German. They can in English though.

This.

Economic migrants (the worst kind apparently).

Oh of course there is, especially if OP lives somewhere like Dubai or Singapore. Huge cultural differences.

You’re all immigrants, you can follow the no integration path and have a grump whenever your dh or ds speak the language of the country you’re in, or you can get stuck in, put yourself in uncomfortable situations, it’s how you will learn and you will also get to expand your friendship out of the bubble of Brits

You sound very “Brit abroad”, clearly very entitled

No, I think people do understand, they just don't agree that you're being reasonable to whinge that a child whose native language isn't English is being spoken to while a guest in your home in the language of your host country and not English and that you deserve more consideration than said child.

I don't think people are without empathy for the experience of finding it hard to settle in a new country and learn a new language, but a child visiting your home and being able to converse in his native language while a guest isn't the hill to die on.

Oh no, we very much understand what you're saying.

Absolutely. I've lived and worked abroad. And the vast majority of Brits (and Americans and Aussies and Kiwis) don't bother to integrate and make local friends. For me, my local friends were what opened the country up to me. Without it, I'd have been living as a permanent tourist.

I'm trying to imagine my childhood best friend's Mum being annoyed with her father because he spoke to me in English when I was there. OK, I picked up a tiny bit of urdu as a result of the TV and other conversations going on in the house, but it was a whole lot nicer to have at least one adult including me instead of expecting my friend to interpret everything.

As it was, my friend's Mum decided to try and speak to me in English as well. No idea whether it helped her, but she was a nice lady and enjoyed explaining the plots of her films and the meaning of the lyrics in the music she listened to in the kitchen as we helped her.

Sorry but I think he's doing the right thing, making the child feel welcome and included. You said he's learnt faster due to work, do you also work? Just wondering if you feel a bit left out in general, if you moved due to his work but haven't established friendships like your husband and child, maybe? Just wondering if the feeling is about something different and bigger

The expat versus immigrant thing is worth considering OP as maybe it will shift your mindset enough to avoid such moments in future. You live there and have been long enough for your child and husband to be bilingual and your child to make friends with children from there. Thats not a short term thing at all. Calling yourself an expat is just a way to excuse yourself from integrating into your new life, or a way to feel different from other immigrants. It’s certainly a word with problematic connotations.

Am very curious about where you live and how long you will live there.

Given language A is the home language for the child, your child and the place you’re living - and your husband speaks fluently and you speak it some and need to practice - it wins by any equation. It’s not even like anyone told you to only speak in it (though you should) - everyone else was just speaking it as would come naturally to all of them. You could have tried, or asked for help.

I imagine its not deliberate at all. Your husband possibly is growing more confident with his second language and its coming naturally for him to go between both languages.

How long have you lived abroad for?