Would you expect them to speak English too?

[Houseforsaleapplywithin]

Live abroad, huge expat population, majority of people speak English as well as the native language
Dh and I are both British, Dh speaks the native language fluently as works with colleagues who speak no English and has been forced to learn more quickly. I speak the language but not fluently. Dc is fluent as attends the local school.
Dc often has close friends over, today one was over and everyone speaking in the native language (this boy speaks barely any English , but his dad asks my Dc to help him learn English)
Whilst he’s here, Dh has started speaking to dc in the native language and never any English, which admittedly does feel a bit uncomfortable for me all around me all afternoon. I speak a bit of both languages in order to help the other boy learn English too.
Today I just ended up going upstairs

Aibu to think Dh can speak to Dc in English too in our own home or is this my problem?

What country/language are you speaking about?

If the languages are incompatible across the group, I’d lean most heavily on the guests. But probably end up speaking a bit of everything. My kids and my in-laws don’t speak the same language, you speak one for a minute or two the other for a minute or two it kind of works.

Yes! In your own home you should speak the native language if you have a visitor of that country who doesn't speak English. It would be rude to speak in English.

My ex was French. When we stayed with his family in France we always spoke French. I'm not fluent but did my best. His brother's partner was also foreign (not English). I can speak a little of her language but she also spoke English fluently, so when it was just the two of use we would speak in English, but if we were in earshot of anyone else from the family we both spoke in French. It was polite.

A bit of both maybe

Just imagine if you are an immigrant mum in the UK. Child brought school friend home and husband and child talked in English in front of the friend.

You got upset and post on mumsnet complaining your family talked in English in the UK in your home, instead of say Arabic or Pakistani etc. Your excuse was that English very difficult to learn.

Imagine the comments you will get. You should see how BU you are. Learn the local language and accept others will speak it around you, including your children.

And your children might not feel English, depending on how much of their childhood is spent in this foreign country.

I have immigrant parents and I feel somewhere in the middle. It’s called third culture kids.

🙄

Exactly this.

OP, you and the visiting child are essentially in the same boat, but for all the reasons in this excellent post, your DH is right to speak in the native language when the child is visiting.

I would just add that if your DS’s friends feel uncomfortable or unwelcome in your home then they won’t want to visit and that could alienate your DS. You really need to work on your own feelings here, and YOU need to see it as an opportunity to improve your grasp of the native language, rather than expecting the child to use it to improve his English.

Then, unless your DH was forced to move there for work, why did you move there? You are an immigrant not an ex-pat BTW.

YABU on all areas. We are a bilingual family (in the UK) and attend a lot of bilingual events (our DC were part of a longitudinal university research project) and the fragility that some parents have is a very British thing apparently. OP, your DC may be English but they have been raised outside England and this will obviously have a big impact on their identity and how they perceive their sense of self. You feeling sad they've lost English culture should not hold them back, they should not be expected to speak with their friends in English because you've decided it's too hard to learn the native language. And by your own admission you do speak some, so it's not as if you are being excluded.

You’re not “ex-pats” you’re migrants and you should speak the local language.

With your attitude, and insisting on English being spoken in your home at all times even when you have guests around that don’t speak English, it’s no wonder you’re struggling with the language!

Frankly you sound a bit pathetic…. You need to try harder to learn the language and force yourself out of your comfort zone, and speak the language at home, at least some of the time.

But YOU decided to leave the UK and live elsewhere. This is a weird attitude. You’re an immigrant.

You have to be aware of how this is coming across

Do you mean he does it when it is just the 3 of you, time just when this friend is visiting?
If it's when the friend is over then I think using the language that he can speak is polite.
Although if it is something significant (rather than just chat to the kids) then I would expect him to translate anything important to you you might have missed.
If it's at home the rest of the time then I would talk to him about how you are struggling in the language and don't like being excluded from the conversations between him and your DC.

So he speaks to guests in their language and your offended or upset? I am sure you or the kids won't forget to speak English because your husband chats <language > every now and then.

Why the eye roll?! It seems to me that it's the heart of the problem. Op would probably rather be back in the uk (as I perceive it). That's a real issue that needs considering, even considering a break up.

She talks about her son losing his English culture. What I think that means is she's missing the culture herself

When I was young my friend spoke to me in English in her home and Punjabi to her mother as she had no English.

I’d hate to think her mother was upset at that while I was there but being a nice host she seemed to want me, a child, to feel as comfortable as possible

That doesn’t hold that they will remain so. My friend grew up in Romania until 15 and can’t speak it now! She says she can understand it, but can’t muster the words.

YANBU to feel excluded, as it's hard not knowing the local language. But YABU to insist that the others speak English when the guest in your home doesn't.

DS will lose his Englishness to some degree because that's what happens when people emigrate as children. They become "third culture kids". Both my parents were born abroad, came here when under 10. Both have retained some elements of their culture of origin, but speak English with no trace of accent and feel culturally at home here too. But it is usually easier to assimilate to a greater extent and pick up a new language when you emigrate young.

Language classes that teach by immersion might be more helpful for you?

I think you need to think of it from the kid’s perspective- nice his dad thinks you can help him learn English but how not fun for him on a play date!!! Imagine you were a child and went to a friend’s house and they all spoke the other language to you!

Sorry op yabu. A child is visiting and doesn't speak English you, your dc and your dh can speak their language. In fairness to them you speak their language. I know you still learning but you know more of that language than the English the child visiting doesn't know.

But you speak more of the native language than this boy speaks English, right? That should be the deciding factor. Presumably you speak English when it's just you together as a family, so it's not as if your dc isn't speaking plenty of English still. I presume you use the native language when out snd about, so why the embarrassment using it in front of one child in your home?

Saying that DH speaking to this child in the local language feels like purposefully excluding you sounds like a leap to most of us reading. So is there more relationship context to it than that?

Honestly, if there is not more to it than that, I think you need to get over it. I’ve lived abroad, I speak a bit of various languages. I’ve got lots of friends in multilingual households. It’s only the English native speakers who get upset like this at being “excluded” due to language use. I think we are brought up to see English as a primary default language, and upsetting that balance feels alien.

When you're hosting a child it's really important they understand the adults looking after them, forr their comfort and their safety, so your H is right. Why don't you speak to the child in English and H speaks in his own language?

I'm sorry but your story is exactly what the OP is being criticized for suggesting, ie the hosts not using a language which the guest is confident in.