Would you expect them to speak English too?

[Houseforsaleapplywithin]

Live abroad, huge expat population, majority of people speak English as well as the native language
Dh and I are both British, Dh speaks the native language fluently as works with colleagues who speak no English and has been forced to learn more quickly. I speak the language but not fluently. Dc is fluent as attends the local school.
Dc often has close friends over, today one was over and everyone speaking in the native language (this boy speaks barely any English , but his dad asks my Dc to help him learn English)
Whilst he’s here, Dh has started speaking to dc in the native language and never any English, which admittedly does feel a bit uncomfortable for me all around me all afternoon. I speak a bit of both languages in order to help the other boy learn English too.
Today I just ended up going upstairs

Aibu to think Dh can speak to Dc in English too in our own home or is this my problem?

I am not sure why you would want your husband to speak English to your children in front of a child who does not speak English and is a guest in your home. Your husband did the right thing

YABU
what boy’s dad wants is irrelevant, if he wants his son learn English better he needs to organise lessons, buy resources etc etc.
Replace English with cooking. Even if boy’s parents wanted him to learn cooking you wouldn’t expect teaching him how to cook when he was coming to yours for a play date with your DD. Of course not.

the normal mode for your DD is native language with this friend that what they do at school.
The normal mode for your DH with locals is native language that what he does at work.
So that what they both do.
I would expect you to use native language as much as you can and only use English for short sentences towards DD and DH when you really don’t know how to say it in native.

Does your DD losing a part of English culture and language? Yes, how much depends on her age, how long you live and going to live there, what country it is. One thing if it’s Denmark and the other if it’s China.
However it’s only one side, the other side is that she is gaining native language and culture and it’s widen her horizons.

The real issue is that you haven’t made enough effort to learn the local language. It’s time you did.

I agree with everyone here - you might find you settle better if you stop clinging onto your past life. Fair enough that you want your child to remain bilingual - that’s a great gift for anyone - but your life is not English and your child probably doesn’t consider himself English in the way you do.

Not the same with language but my husband and I immigrated from the states to Scotland 20 years ago and our children were born here. They’re Scottish - they sound Scottish (though my daughter is a mimic so code switches for grandparents!), their comfort foods are Scottish, their whole life is Scottish. They’re sometimes tell people they’re half Scottish and half American as we still have thanksgiving and watch American football, but it’s never more apparent that they aren’t American than when we are in the states. They act and feel like tourists.

Regardless of all that, the responsibility of hosting a child in your home means the most polite thing to do is speak in the native language of the country you live.

How long are you likely to stay there? If it is a long time then I would make an effort to learn but if you are moving on soon you will all be back to square one on the local language. I moved around a lot as a child of expats so I never picked up the languages beyond the basics. I also went to international schools so lessons were in English.

We were in France so always spoke in French unless no one was listening (e.g. just me and her - no one else around at all). As soon as someone else was around we switched back to French.

The OP is being asked to speak the native language when around this boy who doesn't speak English.

YABU, and massively so to treat it as some attack on you.

You are immigrants in a foreign country (drop this expat nonsense, you’re immigrants). Your husband and son have learnt the language and appear to be well integrated but you’re struggling with the language. Languages are hard, but how much are you actually trying to learn?

You have someone, a child, from that country in your home and you’re insisting your way of living must continue to apply… It’s a child!

It is basic manners to talk in the language that works for most, and most importantly your guests. The local language was that language. It’s not an attack or slight on you because you struggle with it.

My mum always spoke in English when we had guests round, even though it wasn’t her native language. That’s just the way it is.

It's so odd isn't it that westerners are never economic migrants, always expats. I was reading a Facebook post about "we're being replaced" and the one banging on about it was saying she moved to Australia 20 years ago and "didn't recognize [hometown], these immigrants have taken over". She didn't accept that she was an immigrant at all, she was very offended by the very suggestion!

Yes @spottybaghottyhag - I've been a migrant twice, and each time integrated. Migration is actually a really big thing - and at times difficult & uncomfortable.

I think the ridiculous "ex-pat" thing is a hangover from the British Empire.

But @Houseforsaleapplywithin needs to have a real think about what she's doing, and why. If she's raising DC in another country, of course, they'll become more like that country. They're no longer English, even if she clings to that identity.

Definetly you need to become more comfortable with the native language not the other way round.

I was good friends at school with two people who had English as their second language. At one of the houses their family all spoke English when I was around (they had only lived here a short time and were not 100% fluent). The second used to speak in their 1st language unless speaking directly to me (they were all fluent in English - friend born here and parents lived and worked here for many years). I always felt uncomfortable when long conversations were going on that I couldn't understand. Especially when they clearly concerned me, breaking off occasionally to ask me a question and then going back to talking about the situation in a language I couldn't understand. It always felt awkward and I think your husband is right to try to make a visitor comfortable in your home.

So you want everyone else to change what they do to cover up your feelings of embarrassment and inadequacy?

Your husband sounds thoughtful and kind to be considering the feelings of the visiting child.

I get that it's difficult, learning a language, but honestly the time to learn is before you even get there. It's so disrespectful to your new home country, and to yourself, to make a life somewhere and not learn the language. Brits do it all the time (I am a Brit too!) and it's nuts. There are people living in France for 30 years who can't speak French! It's really bad form.

Expat?

I assume you all speak English when there are no guests? But it would be rude to speak English to a visiting child who doesn't understand it.

This is how your dh became good at the language, by using it at every available opportunity. I doubt he is talking deep philosophy with the kids, if you really can't even understand the everyday language he is likely to have been using, you need to make a lot more of an effort to learn!

Everybody living in a country should be able to follow a basic conversation in the language of that country.

It isn't clear to me if your husband is a native speaker of the language of the country you are in or not. He should always speak to his child in his mother tongue, with maybe slight exception when he is addressing his child and a friend who doesn't speak the language.

But it really isn't clear to me who speaks which language. If your husband is fluent or near fluent in the local language then he probably feels strange communicating with him in a different language.

The age of the children and knowledge of English also plays a role here.

But really anyone can speak whatever language they want as long as they are understood

I know.

Hey OP, the 1880s are calling!

You lost me at "expat"....the word you want is "immigrants".

You really need to learn the local language, you feel excluded because you are excluding yourself by not fully integrating into the country and culture of the country you live in by preferring to speak your own language vs the local language even when surrounded by locals.

You will stop feeling odd and excluded once you learn the language so start now.

I live abroad and have lived in many countries with different languages and I always make it a priority to integrate. Currently I have a friend from my own country living in my home and my partner also is originally from my own country so my mother tongue is spoken a lot but if there is even a single person who is local or foreign who visits my home everyone switch to the local language or common language, including amongst ourselves, irrelevant of language level so that the guest feels included at all time.

it’s basic decency for me.

Similarly my partner grew up in Germany but both her parents are from my home country they all speak our mother tongue amongst themselves but only speak German if there are guests. My German is alright but I am not a confident speaker and my understanding is still a work in progress but when I am in Germany I expect for everyone to speak German even if I am there because I am in Germany. If Germans show up where I live I expect them to speak either English or the local language to integrate,

I think it’s lovely that your husband treats the local language as his own, that’s the way it should be. I always swap languages based on who I am talking to and expect anyone who lives in the country to learn the local language and not be mad if it’s used. I am annoyed when people from my home country who live abroad want to speak our mother tongue despite other foreigners being present just because we are the majority. The polite thing is to integrate not hold onto what’s familiar just because it’s easier for us when it’s completely rude to others.

I married a Frenchman and we live in France, so situation slightly different, but I can still relate, as I always spoke English to DC, but the French education system being what it is, their little friends rarely if ever had any competency in English. It was important for me to always speak English to my children, regardless of who else was present, but when it was non English -speaking friends I would then say it again in French (in which I am fluent). So this is what I think your DH should do, rather than make you feel uncomfortable in your own home: say it in English and then again in the language of the country. This would be beneficial in helping both you and the foreign child with your language skills!

You had a guest (a child) over who doesn't speak English, of course they are going to speak the language he understands, imagine how rude it would be to go around someone's house and they are jabbering away in another language. As you pointed out you are in your own home so it's mildly inconvenient, if you are in someone else's house and can't understand what anyone is saying it is very very uncomfortable. Focus on learning the language if it bothers you so much. Good on your husband and children for not being rude, I imagine you are annoyed because you feel a bit embarrassed.

Your home, is in Rome.

I don't read it like that at all. There is no suggestion that the partner's family spoke any English at all, as suggested by the fact that @themerchentofvenus only spoke English with the other girl " out of earshot". Most French families are monolingual, believe me, after more than 20 years living in France, I know.

You have to speak their language so the visitor can understand, you can’t just speak English and exclude a little kid. I have the same problem only worse as my DH and kids are all native speakers of the local language where I only speak it at intermediate level. I’m left out socially all the time and also at home when they are talking together. It’s shit but not a lot you can do about it apart from get better at the language!