Would you expect them to speak English too?

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Live abroad, huge expat population, majority of people speak English as well as the native language
Dh and I are both British, Dh speaks the native language fluently as works with colleagues who speak no English and has been forced to learn more quickly. I speak the language but not fluently. Dc is fluent as attends the local school.
Dc often has close friends over, today one was over and everyone speaking in the native language (this boy speaks barely any English , but his dad asks my Dc to help him learn English)
Whilst he’s here, Dh has started speaking to dc in the native language and never any English, which admittedly does feel a bit uncomfortable for me all around me all afternoon. I speak a bit of both languages in order to help the other boy learn English too.
Today I just ended up going upstairs

Aibu to think Dh can speak to Dc in English too in our own home or is this my problem?

Have you considered that this child feels the same way when speaking English as you do when speaking the language you're learning? Do you really think a child and your son's guest should feel that way while trying to play with his friend? If so, why do you think your feelings are more important than his?

When you actually need to have a direct conversation with him, kindly ask him to try to speak English (and be conscientious and helpful to him as a learner). But let the boys speak and play with each other in the language they're mutually comfortable using.

I’m not talking about the friend
i’m saying Dh will ask dc things not in English even when they don’t involve the friend

Oh course he does. Because as you pointed out, this child barely speaks English and your DH wants him to feel comfortable in your home. Yes, it is reasonable to prioritize the child's comfort over your feeling a bit excluded in this case.

he’s being inclusive so the friend understands too - and doesn’t worry they’re taking about him in a language he doesn’t speak.

it would be rude to speak English.

I live in European country. We don’t have exactly the same language mix. I think it’s a non issue. If anything it will help improve your language skills.
It’s not your responsibility to improve this boys English skills - unless his Dad wants to pay you for English lessons 🙂

Yes but the child is there observing them speak.

This

What is your goal here? Do you want him to be uncomfortable?

How much extended conversation is your husband having with your son with friend present? If it’s short like “what do you want for dinner?” or “how was the football match” he could say it in English and Local to help the other child learn. I don’t really understand why he’d have an extended conversation with his son when there’s another guest child around.

Either way someone has to hear people speaking in a language they don't know well themselves. That's you or the visiting child. It should be you, because

1. you're an adult and should be able to cope more
2. you're the host
3. you're in the country where the other language is spoken
4. you speak more of it than the child does English, it sounds like
5. your need to learn is more pressing than his since you live there!

It's bad manners to speak a language someone doesn't understand in front of them without good reason, which is why your DH did it even when speaking to your DC. He's making the friend comfortable. You can use this as more practice.

I get it. I never managed to learn much of the native language (I'm terrible at languages) and it made me feel awful quite a lot.

I think in this case though you should try to let it go.

Don't worry about the other child learning English! You're not a language tutor:)

Do you think so?

so many different languages around us, he’s used to hearing some English and other languages too, definitely not trying to be rude

Not responsibility and i’m sure the dad didn’t think of it like that, i’m happy to help him, we’re neighbours and good friends with this family

The child? Of course not!

You’re on the boy’s country! You can’t complain about him speaking his own language.

Not him!

Yes. Regardless of what happens outside, it’s rude to invite a child to your house and then speak to each other in a language you know he doesn’t understand.

you felt uncomfortable because you didn’t understand - but your husband wasn’t speaking to you either. As others have said, you are an adult who was hosting a child. Far better for you to feel mildly uncomfortable than for him to feel excluded.

Immersion really is the best way with language learning.

Change your mindset on this, see it as an opportunity that guests in the home = 100% local dialogue for everyone in the home.

If you use that as a starting point, you can then try doing a ‘every Tuesday/ Thursday/Saturday we all speak exclusively in native local language all day.’

This will ease your lack of confidence and really improve your skills.

You will be used to hearing the language of the country that you're in, but you've gone upstairs and you say its making you uncomfortable.

Now imagine you are much younger and in a strangers home, that is why dh is speaking the language of the country.

It may be that you have to accept that your child may be English by nationality, but he’s growing up in another country and speaking another language day to day. He may not feel ‘English’ in the way you think if it.

If you’re there til he grows up, he may think of himself as being from wherever it is and not feel ‘English’ in any way.

it sounds like this is all much more about you (and that’s not meant nastily). You’re in another country and feeling a bit culturally adrift and like you don’t quite fit in. You’re seeing your husband and son adapt to the new culture in ways you find difficult. It may be that being annoyed at your husband over things like this lets you avoid really focusing on how you are feeling.

Emigrating is hard - even more so when you’re not the one with the workplace or school to provide some kind of belonging.

I think you're regretting leaving the UK. (I'd feel the same, but that's why I'm not going to emigrate).
Was it more dh's decision to emigrate? Is there a possibility of coming back here?

It is gas hearing a british immigrant abroad complain that people are speaking the native language to the country in their own country.

Do you think that DH does it maliciously to make you excluded? Are there other things that he does to make your feel that?

Or are you feeling not settled where you are and this is making it worse?

interrogate a bit more about what you’re feeling and why?

But people speaking it to him? As an ex-expat when my dc brought friends home who were local speaking we all spoke the local language. If you’re not so good at it, then use google translate. Look at it as a learning lesson for you, not the child?

I think it’s nice your DH is using the native language to help the other child feel more comfortable. He could feel like he is being spoken about or left out if everyone is speaking in English around him.
I also live abroad and will often make an effort to speak a bit in the local language to my children’s friends and DH will speak totally in the local language with local children.

I was fully prepared to think it was unreasonable, but I would expect your DH to speak in English.