To be confused by the two working parent set up

[Angels1111]

As I return to work from my Christmas break I return to the same conundrum I've been having since kids were born...
...that is confusion at how to handle my multiple roles in life.

I can't help but think that in my mother's generation they had to do the same stuff as us, but with no work. And, there was more of a community to fall back on too - she could get the neighbours to watch us if needed, relatives had more time to visit and play with us, etc. But she had time, to keep herself healthy and to keep us healthy.

Now it feels like a lot of us work in careers which are not conducive to taking long career breaks or going part time. Or, we can't afford to. So we end up juggling everything that comes with having a family with work. My partner does lots but it feels like two people splitting three jobs between them (work, children, house) is more of a stretch and a juggle and I wish every day that I could just focus on the house and kids.

I feel resentful that if I hire a nanny or a baby sitter or get family to help, they'd just play with the kids, feed them lunch, and maybe wash up after lunch wheeras I'd be doing all of that plus the food shop, house cleaning, admin, cooking dinner, washing, homework etc etc simultaneously, and if I wanted to hire someone to truly replace my roles it would take 2-3 people just to do the home stuff let alone work.

But this could just be how I'm handling life! I have a chronic condition so potentially have less energy than the general population, I do handle it a lot better when I'm not flaring.

Thank you for this, this thread had started to gaslight me. My city has gone from having 2 nurseries in 1982 to 38 this year. The only reason for this must be women working. Growing up I didn’t know anyone with a working mum and I was very unusual as my grandparents provided care whilst mum worked.

I’ve got grandchildren.

I worked. And I got 18 weeks maternity leave and had to go back at that point.

my mother worked.

my grandmother worked.

none of us worked part time as those options weren’t available - my mum and me worked in education and my granny worked as a domestic in a hospital.

My daughter in law is a SAHM. And got a year maternity leave with her first (and decided not to return).

I struggled to breast feed my first born in the late 70s and became quite stressed. Our sensible family doctor said 'Put them on a bottle immediately, what good is a stressed-out mother to her baby!'.

I grew up in the 1980s I was born in late 1979. From age 7 both parents worked in career focused jobs. It was difficult - my father started his when I was 3 and mother at 8. The both went to university and then got jobs. So mum was around for the baby years and then at university when I was little. Two people trying to establish careers and two smallish children. I remember it being a stressful time!

i remember the dinner ladies at school commenting that “your are the one with both parents who work” as if I was a museum specimen. It was a very working g clsss area (rough)

My parents did quite a lot of things with me on weekends. Be it just walks or cycling trips but they were interesting for me or a trip to a zoo,castle, taking me swimming, driving me to a friend's house.

We played plenty of board games in bad weather.

Sure, it was also expected that I entertain myself and my parents did their things, especially in Spring-Autumn as my dad loved gardening.

How old is your mum? Because I was certainly working when my now adult children were growing up. I couldn’t call on neighbours. My mum helped in holidays but there was no one else. I had to do all the things you say are extra work like housework, shopping, admin etc on my own because I was a single parent. I know you have a chronic condition but I don’t think your life isn’t as hard as you think it is.

Oh I was also a single parent from my youngest was 2. I had three kids. I also have chronic health conditions and I’m disabled. I also have adhd.

it wasn’t fun but we did a lot of free stuff, took picnics and didn’t eat out or have a take away ever.

cooked meals from scratch - doubled up and froze them with the occasional frozen beige dinner or pizza.

Kids had to sort themselves and get out to school from secondary age and get home and start homework or whatever until I got home just after 5.

I was cooking the dinner in the evening from 11 and doing all the family washing and ironing.

My mom worked, my grandparents worked, my great grandparents worked. As did all their sisters. I think my grandmothers were home until the children were in school (late 50's). Greatgrandmother, out to the fields as soon as they were able to and great grandpa was a semi-pro athlete and firefighter and a farmer. So never home (we found his competition schedule from when grandma was born. Wouldn't go down this day and age).

If course more women were home in the past. But we just had this conversation with our group of friends and we were wondering who were all these sahp that are being romanticised cause it was not our parent, grandparents or greatgrandparents.

I feel like back in the day children were just a part of life. Now children are the life. There is a huge division between children and peole with kids. World is hostile towards children and towards the childfree. Society blocks parents from using common sense. Kids are no longer allowed to do anything independently and family has become so sacret that social rules have changed to the point where nobody has any idea what is normal.

I'd like to say yes, but that very much depends on your child. DS got easier and easier the older he got. DD is just as full on and needy as she was in toddlerhood and she's 8.

Its just a different time and we expect more of ourselves and for our money to pay for things that weren't even an option 40-50 years ago.

This is understandable and true if you have the money. Previously those with limited money accepted they would have to do without or increase their income stream. Now they expect the same standard of living as those who earn more.

I think you might be right, there is a lot more ‘available’ to do to entertain children and as we see other people doing it we do too. I’m going to try let the kids have more free play time at home in 2026 whilst I get on with stuff

But being a village, to me, isn't about over ruling another parent,

what? i specifically painted a picture of a scenario where some person's kid is beating on yours, and doing nothing about it. And time after time after time on here it is all either "some woman spoke sharply to my child, what a witch" or "my kid was bleeding and i asked the other child to go away, and their parent squared up to me shouting not to talk to their child"

Until people in the UK can wrap their heads round that, they can sing for their village. Over the last, say, 30 years, they have lost the ability to do it.

In fact that highlighted comment says it all: "over ruling another parent". Parent of a violent feral little sod. That parent? For sure they need over ruling. Often and loudly.

Yeh this is what I thought! But it seems experience was very varied

I really wish I'd had more of this. I had the opposite... encourage to do more /spend more time when I already felt worn out, so just added to the feeling of guilt

I agree this was my experience growing up too. I remember late 90’s early 00’s there was a push for two income households and tax credits / childcare was set up to support that. It sounded great in theory as families would be better off but almost immediately cost of living and housing started to rise. So it went from being a sensible financial choice to a necessity.

Obviously even going back 50-60 years many mothers DID work, it was plenty common enough. So it’s not like we have moved from a position where “mothers didn’t work” - they did, and still in significant numbers.

I think in part it was just really hard work for those women who did work full time 50 years ago! In part there were more women who didn’t work in the community so more options to use the “village” - sharing some childcare.

We are now though in a position where more women don’t feel being a SAHM is an option, financially.

The benefit system now strongly incentivises women to work while children are younger.

Higher living standards demand a higher income.

And I have said it earlier but COST OF HOUSING is a huge factor. When banks started taking account of two salaries rather than one when calculating affordability, this has driven up housing prices (greater purchasing power + constrained supply = prices go up). This combined with other factors driving up housing costs mean that people can’t afford to buy or rent a family home on a single income.

The first place I bought with my DH was a 1910 house that had been divided into 2 flats. Half a house was the max we could afford on two good full time professional salaries. I looked at the census for 1911 (when the house was new) and at that time the whole house was occupied by a family of 5 where the only worker was the husband who was a local bookkeeper. So in less than a century we had gone from a whole house being affordable to a family on 1 income to half a house being affordable to a couple either 2 incomes. And we wonder why women have to work now?

I agree with this. My own dm, and most of the other Mums were SAHMs growing up. I was born in the 80s. I had a minority of friends whose Mums did work, and remember how cool it felt visiting their homes at lunchtime wnd watching TV (in the days they let you out of school at lunchtimes from 9), we thought it was so cool! I did think it was sad for them going home from school to an empty house every day though. Now it is the norm, there's wrap around care, and kids aren't left as young.

Well, maybe you just lived in a particularly oppressive place where women’s careers were routinely regarded as optional as soon as they got pregnant?

I once complained to my mother (born 1950s) about how hard it was to cover parenting and housing costs (especially nursery fees) these days, which was why both I and DH had to work FT. She was adamant she had had it just as hard, just as expensive, and all with no help (disregarding my father), raising 3 kids in the 80s/90s. But in point of fact, it was significantly cheaper for her and my father (I calculated the childcare/school fees they paid with inflation), and my mother had her parents who stayed for weeks when babies were born (my mother refused to even visit the hospital when her GC were born despite being begged to), she had a network for shared babysitting (because other mothers didn’t work so were available), my mother had a weekly cleaner, a gardener, and a lady down the road who did ironing. So there’s rather a lot of selective memory and self aggrandisement in some accounts. Therefore I’m wary of “lived experience” accounts that don’t fit either peer reviewed statistics, evidenced histories, or plain common sense. I know there are always exceptions, and maybe some of the accounts on here are exceptions, but they are exceptions for a reason.

Yeh this is similar to my Mum's experience. There were ample other parents to help because it was the norm/socially accepted to be a SAHM. She had a washing machine, dishwasher, car, gardener. Joined a gym. Got her hair/nails etc done. Ready meals sometimes and we are out sometimes. We had lots of experiences like soft plays and country parks. Okay, no cleaner or online shopping. A bit of help from relatives at key moments like illnesses etc but also plenty of company for us day to day so it wasn't so isolated. Financially things were tight at first, but they had bought their house for £70k and paid their mortgage off by the time they were in their 50s so the later years of my childhood felt prosperous.

Conversely there was more stress on them socially eg hosting dinner parties for 40-50 people and cooking all the food at home vs our generation not bothering/getting catering/going to a restaurant, fresh meals every day (ready meals only if dad wasn't home), absolutely no help with housework by partner. But on balance I think it was easier, especially when the kids were in school 9-3 and all that time was clear to do it all and get personal needs met with no time pressure.

Or, in an area of the country where it was socially accepted to be a SAHM? So people had the choice?

I do think my condition has quite a lot to do with it as I'm not in pain today and everything that felt so hard Monday and Tuesday feels perfectly fine today. I think I need to start a new thread on how to deal with that better:(

I would not call the lifestyle of my mother and her friends as oppressive! Living the dream! No work, low mortgages/rent, endless coffee dates. I’d take that!

I don't agree. @shouldntbeonhereagain is making a very fair point and acknowledging that people have different circumstances. I see this so often here, women who give up careers for family either being accused of being smug or pathetic for being financially dependent. There is very little respect for women who choose to give up work, they know they that can afford to choose and others dont have that luxury, but there is still a difficult choice with consequences.