Friend is pregnant from a casual fling and I’m worried

[Namechangeragainn]

My friend has a really complicated relationship history. She is in her mid 20s. She has a diagnosis of EUPD and she’s quite obsessive about men.

She went out with our mutual friend in college but he ended things with her as she was quite demanding of him - she tried to walk into the road in front of him to get hit by a car when he said he didn’t want to spend the weekend with her. She also also threatened harm to herself various times.

She recently met our mutual friend on a night out and they slept together. She has now told me she is pregnant. I’ve said I will support her in her decision, but she is saying things to me like the father will now want to be with her and is looking for houses for “the 3 of them”.

Mutual friend has told me that she told him over a text message that she was pregnant and that she wants them to proceed as a family. He said he’ll be supportive of the child but he doesn’t want a relationship. He’s been dating a girl for 3 months!

Friend has said that she was on the pill but it “just happened”. She said that she slept with a “few” people around the conception date but she is sure it’s our mutual friends.

She still lives with her mum and sisters who are young teens. I’m struggling to support her - I think she’s intentionally done this and it’s a very unstable environment for her and her unborn child. I’m worried she will fall apart when she realises that our mutual friend won’t leave his new girlfriend for her.

I have no idea what to advise her but I’m actually a bit annoyed with her! Aibu?

"I think she’s intentionally done this and it’s a very unstable environment for her and her unborn child. "

You don't sound worried, you sound judgemental. You've put 2 and 2 together and come up with five. You'll never be able to truly support your friend if you are thinking that she has done this on purpose and brought this on herself.

You need to decide, do you want to support your friend or not? If you truly want to support her you leave the judgement and assumptions at the door. If you can't then leave her too it.

When she eventually finds that the father doesnt want to be with her she will need people who are supportive around her, not people secretly thinking she brought this on herself.

I am worried about her because of the situation she is in. There may be judgement in this, but i think it’s pretty understandable. I’ve been with her through all her breakups and situations and seen how poorly she can make herself. I suppose I am “annoyed” that she has ended up in this situation as I cannot understand her rationale at all.

She seems to think that this will be a fairytale ending, when it clearly won’t be. And in the middle of it all is a small baby who will be born in chaos. So yes, maybe I am judgemental

But do you even know she’s pregnant for sure, if she has a long history of obsession and fantasy?

And your mutual friend is coming out of this incredibly badly, if he did sleep with a wildly mentally-unstable ex he knows is obsessed with him, while in a relationship with someone else, and didn’t even use a condom.

I would be judgemental too, although it might not help in a practical sense. Her decision-making is clearly extremely poor and the person who is going to suffer for that is the baby if she continues with the pregnancy.

The potential father absolutely has the right to not wish to continue the relationship, and if I were his friend I'd be advising a DNA test asap after the baby arrives to determine parentage as there is clear doubt.

OP what support is she getting for her eupd as it doesn’t sounds like she is in regular therapy or n meds.

she may have done it on purpose but there’s not much you can do to change that.

I would just gently probe with questions. Get her to explain how she got to the idea of them moving in? Or read the texts with her and talk about them. But it does sound like she needs professional support.

just be a friend not a psychotherapist

I agree with @IllAdvised

I would wait it out abd see if she is actually pregnant first.

Also until you see a bump with your own eyes and feel a kick, don’t make or support any big decisions from anyone involved

But honestly, judgement isn’t going to help her here, even if you think it’s justified.

She’s pregnant and vulnerable, and however well you think you hide it, judgement will come across. That will just add to her stress and upset, which isn’t good for her or the baby. That’s not supporting her, it’s making things harder. Stress in the mother is linked to traits like autism, higher rates of preterm birth, and low birth weight; this isn't trivial.

You also don’t actually know that she’s done this intentionally, that’s an assumption. If it wasn’t intentional and you’re treating it like it was, that’s really harmful. And if it was intentional, the reality of it not turning into the fairytale she’s imagining will hit her harder than any judgement from you ever could.

What she needs right now is calm, non-judgemental support. If you can give that, great. If you can’t put those feelings aside, it’s probably kinder to step back rather than stay involved and add to the chaos, stress and upset.

You will not be helping if you stay hanging around as a judgemental presence.

If she is actually pregnant, I’d be feeling pretty judgemental too. Poor child and poor bloke (unless he didn’t use a condom).

The mutual friend is a pretty shitty person to have had sex with her when he knows his unstable she is.

Your friend lives with her mother who can support her if she is pregnant.

But my first thought as others have said is that she’s probably not, she just thinks it’s a good way to get him attached and obligated to her.

My brother dated a woman he worked with for a while before realising she was extremely unstable and controlling, he broke up with her and she walked in front of his moving car, scared the crap out of him. She then bombarded him with messages saying she’d kill herself and then that she was pregnant. He ended up leaving the job and moving away and he heard from other people she then told a different man he was the father, then that she was having an abortion, then she was still pregnant, then she’d given birth but no one saw the baby then she eventually said she’d never actually been pregnant. Terrifying.

I'm surprised by the way you've worded this/how you view the situation. Your friend is clearly very vulnerable. Your other friend is aware of this and chose to have unprotected sex with her behind his girlfriends back. I would be supporting her, not judging her and ending my friendship with a man that does this to vulnerable women.

I would be judgmental if the man did not use a condom, especially if he pressurised the friend to have sex without one. Judging the man that is.

Back away, you are not a therapist.

I had a similar friend, who 25 years later, has 3 children with the disinterested guy. Unhappy marriage, the children now need to be independent and their mother is desperate to find ways for them to "launch" as adults and move out of the family home. She will use anyone and anything to keep her fantasy going.

What's in it for you?

Maybe he didn’t know that she’s got EUPD and is mentally unstable. People can present in some situations as being perfectly, (using word here not to offend but cause I can’t think of a better one) normal. Also people sometimes don’t use condoms. She said she was on the pill and he has said he’ll support the baby. He is not the problem here. She is, if she expects to have a family now and that she’s met her dream guy. Is she on medication? She’s old enough to know she needs to be medicated and to not do shit like this. I too would be very judgmental and YANBU OP.

It sounds like she knew what she was doing and nothing ’just happened’

Your friend lives with her mother who can support her if she is pregnant.

WTF?

He ended the relationship with her because of her demanding behaviour and she threatened to walk in front of a car we he cancelled weekend plans. It's quite a stretch to then assume that he thought she was mentally stable.

He cheated on his GF of three months.

He definitely is part of the problem here.

You have summed the situation up perfectly OP.
Your friend sounds unstable and very unfair that she planned this pregnancy.
Implications for so many people,, most Importantly the innocent baby.
I don't have any words of wisdom.
Her neediness will be heightened when she is faced with the reality of parenting.
I feel for the baby's father too who has seemingly been tricked.
If I come across as judgemental, I am guilty as charged.

I will keep on repeating that ongoing maternal stress in pregnancy isn’t harmless. This isn’t about blaming women for being stressed, life happens, but it is why adding judgement and pressure is a problem. And if the OP is going to do that she needs to step back.

High, prolonged stress raises cortisol levels, which cross the placenta. Research links this to higher risks of prematurity, low birth weight and babies being more unsettled. Longer term, it’s associated with difficulties around emotional regulation, anxiety and stress responses in children.

That doesn’t mean a stressed mum has “ruined” her baby, but it does mean that reducing avoidable stress matters. Feeling judged, criticised or blamed absolutely adds to stress, however well people think they’re hiding it or that their feelings are valid.

For a pregnant woman who is already emotionally vulnerable, what helps is calm, non-judgemental support and stability. What doesn’t help is analysing motives, expressing annoyance or holding her responsible for how things may turn out.

If someone can genuinely offer support without judgement, great. If they can’t, stepping back is kinder than staying involved in a way that increases stress for both mum and baby.

Is the mutual friend the same mutual friend who previously went out with her but broke up with her because she was unstable?

He's not exactly innocent in this, although I'd be sceptical about her claim that he got her pregnant.

Does the mutual friend know she slept with several people around tge time of conception?

I doubt she is actually pregnant this is very much a recognisable behaviour

Sounds terrible .. but is she really pregnant?

thankfully its not you in the situation. So I would personally take a step back from it all.

I would be entirely sceptical about a 'pregnancy' until I saw the baby tbh!
If she is pregnant, personally I would be taking a huge step back. She will need a massive amount of support as a mother and you need to decide now if you are prepared to provide it (would be a big no for me!)
Pregnant or not, this is a big shit storm of her making, I would walk away from the drama.

She might need an STD check if she's really slept with that many people and not insisted on condoms.