Friend is pregnant from a casual fling and I’m worried

[Namechangeragainn]

My friend has a really complicated relationship history. She is in her mid 20s. She has a diagnosis of EUPD and she’s quite obsessive about men.

She went out with our mutual friend in college but he ended things with her as she was quite demanding of him - she tried to walk into the road in front of him to get hit by a car when he said he didn’t want to spend the weekend with her. She also also threatened harm to herself various times.

She recently met our mutual friend on a night out and they slept together. She has now told me she is pregnant. I’ve said I will support her in her decision, but she is saying things to me like the father will now want to be with her and is looking for houses for “the 3 of them”.

Mutual friend has told me that she told him over a text message that she was pregnant and that she wants them to proceed as a family. He said he’ll be supportive of the child but he doesn’t want a relationship. He’s been dating a girl for 3 months!

Friend has said that she was on the pill but it “just happened”. She said that she slept with a “few” people around the conception date but she is sure it’s our mutual friends.

She still lives with her mum and sisters who are young teens. I’m struggling to support her - I think she’s intentionally done this and it’s a very unstable environment for her and her unborn child. I’m worried she will fall apart when she realises that our mutual friend won’t leave his new girlfriend for her.

I have no idea what to advise her but I’m actually a bit annoyed with her! Aibu?

I'd run for the hills. I've never managed to figure out how to be around people with PD without second guessing and being manipulated. I haven't got the head space for that drama. 😕

I don’t think saying there is a link between stress and autistic traits its is trying to “blame women”, and I certainly am not.

The Wakefield/MMR comparison isn’t accurate, that was a single fraudulent study; there is a body of peer-reviewed epidemiological research showing correlations, with lots of caveats.

There are numerous studies and analyses suggesting links between significant prenatal stress (bereavement, domestic violence, severe anxiety/depression, major life events) and neurodevelopmental outcomes, including autistic traits.

Researchers themselves are very clear about limitations, genetics, confounding factors, etc. It’s nuanced, not junk science.

Crucially:

• Not all stress is avoidable. Life happens. No one is suggesting women should be perfectly calm or that everyday stress is dangerous.
• Most autistic children are born to mothers who did nothing “wrong”.
• Autism is multifactorial and largely genetic.

But acknowledging nuance doesn’t mean we pretend stress is irrelevant. If someone is actively creating drama, conflict, or emotional upheaval around a pregnant person, it’s not unreasonable to say: your actions may have consequences. That’s about personal responsibility and kindness, not maternal blame.

How sad that she has trauma in her past (hence the fabricated PD diagnosis as no such thing exists) and she suffers badly with rejection and you are about to reject her.

The fact you have judged her and not helped her with her trauma says it all.

@Namechangeragainn firstly she needs an STI check.

Secondly, a paternity test will clearly need to be done when the baby is born.

Finally, any man that has unprotected sex is potentially going to end up with a baby. Even if taken reliably, the pill isn't 100% effective. He should have used a condom (also not 100%).

Your friend sounds mentally unstable, and I think this is going to turn into a nightmare situation if she thinks this guy will just become a family unit because she is pregnant. She is absolutely going to need some support but that level of support is probably more than a "normal" friend can offer. Psychiatric help might be required.

You'll never know if she did this deliberately, but if I were a gambling person I'd also bet she did.

Well isn’t he just.

I doubt anyone wouldn't be judgemental given how her friend behaves. Judgement isn't always necessarily a nasty thing, but needed in order to identify someone's behaviour as unstable.

Stress does not cause autism!
Correlation is not causation!
The studies that you are referring to were done in response to the original 1 that stated that stress causes autism, the studies you mention all say it doesn't and that their is mearly a correlation between some cases of autism and stress. Many women who indure immense stress and have a health pregnancy and their dc don't have autism, just as their are many women who have unstressful pregnancies and yet have autistic children.

Please stop spreading misinformation about the causes of autism

You can't guide someone with EUPD on how to live their life. Stay out of it or end up getting caught in the drama

It does sound intentional and it’s not a good environment to bring up a child in, you are completely right.

Unfortunately, many women believe a baby will force a man to stay but in reality it’s the complete opposite.

I would definitely discuss your concerns and tell her that if she has this baby then it’s going to be incredibly difficult for her to have a relationship for a long time - if a relationship is her priority then she may choose to put that first.

But ultimately it’s her decision and tbh having a baby may actually give her a wake up call and force her to stop chasing after men who don’t want her.

If he's shagging around behind his new girlfriend's back then it's not a relationship he deserves to keep

You can't just repeat yourself and use exclamation marks to make something true.

But regardless of whether you want to accept the studies into links between stress and autism, you can presumably accept the ones between stress and preterm births, low birth weights and emotional regulation problems in later childhood? In which case the point still stands that adding to maternal stress does have an impact on baby health and therefore should be reduced and managed where practical.

If the OP is likely to cause more stress to the mother rather than less she should step back from the situation as her contribution will not have value.

Ok, you don't even know if she is pregnant or if this is just another story to trap him. If he has slept with her, especially without contraception when he's in a relationship then he's complete scum. Obviously.

The points are scientific fact, with or without exclamation marks. You just don’t want to hear it.

Are you saying personality disorders aren’t diagnosed?!

She sounds like she needs mental health help. Can you encourage her to get help? If she is pregnant, and the father doesn't want a relationship, this, along with pregnancy hormones, may send her into a downward spiral.

He’s been dating a girl for 3 months! He's a right catch, isn't he! Shagging his mentally unstable ex without protection whilst seeing someone else. Fucking hell!

Oh they are diagnosed but they are a crock of shit and do not exist, they hark back the old wandering womb days!

Diagnosed personality disorders are a crock of shit?

Can you link your source for this groundbreaking information please.

That they are the same as wandering womb disorder of old....used in the same way too. They just renamed it.

Can you share me a link as to proof they exist? As in what physical tests they do to prove it exists and what causes it...and please do not say a chemical imbalance as that was debunked decades ago

Many things weren't diagnosed in the past, we have a lot more information now.

They are diagnosed by collating symptoms and evidence and then reviewed by experts and often medicated which reduces the symptoms.

Your dismissal is just your good old fashioned misogyny showing (as evidenced by your use of "wandering womb disorder" which has actually been completely debunked)

You do understand the difference between causation and correlation right?
If not may I suggest that you look up the meaning of both words.
Your claims are as accurate as saying tigers are cats therefore all cats are tigers

we have absolutely no more information now about this than we did in the past. It is just WW and used in exactly the same way. The dustbin of diagnosis as it is called.

My point is that - since WW has been debunked then you just proved this doesn't either as they are the same thing! The diagnosis is exactly the same as WW - just a different name. Used by men to control women with too...so it is just WW by another name. If you now admit WW doesn't exist then bravo, you just answered my question that you now know PD doesn't either.

You, quite literally, have no idea what you're talking about.

Maybe have a little Google of "wandering womb" and then slink off and namechange out of sheer embarrassment.

Welcomed to fucked up Modern day Britain. People shagging around often with multiple people and getting pregnant without being either married or in a stable relationship.

Shag now. Think later.

Indeed. I'm judging this pos a great deal more than the woman with a mental health condition whom he knew he didn't want a relationship with but still decided to shag.

To he fair to mutual friend, he’s been with his girlfriend 3 months and she’s apparently just had a 4 month scan, so there was no crossover. Unless at the beginning? His girlfriend has taken it quite well… I wouldn’t have! I’d have been gone. Mutual friend is a bit of a dick I agree though.

I’ve told her that it’s unlikely he’ll live with her but she has said he could change his mind when he sees the baby.

It’s just a mess. I just think it’s wrong to bring a baby into dysfunction. Of course women with EUPD can be good mums - that’s not the issue. My issue is that she’s having a baby in her mums house, with a man she wants to be in a relationship with. Babies are whole people, they’re not toys. All her life she’s going to have to parent, personally I feel she’s using the baby already as a tool. She’s already put up a scan picture and tagged him in it. It’s bizarre to me.