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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend is pregnant from a casual fling and I’m worried

78 replies

Namechangeragainn · 30/12/2025 10:07

My friend has a really complicated relationship history. She is in her mid 20s. She has a diagnosis of EUPD and she’s quite obsessive about men.

She went out with our mutual friend in college but he ended things with her as she was quite demanding of him - she tried to walk into the road in front of him to get hit by a car when he said he didn’t want to spend the weekend with her. She also also threatened harm to herself various times.

She recently met our mutual friend on a night out and they slept together. She has now told me she is pregnant. I’ve said I will support her in her decision, but she is saying things to me like the father will now want to be with her and is looking for houses for “the 3 of them”.

Mutual friend has told me that she told him over a text message that she was pregnant and that she wants them to proceed as a family. He said he’ll be supportive of the child but he doesn’t want a relationship. He’s been dating a girl for 3 months!

Friend has said that she was on the pill but it “just happened”. She said that she slept with a “few” people around the conception date but she is sure it’s our mutual friends.

She still lives with her mum and sisters who are young teens. I’m struggling to support her - I think she’s intentionally done this and it’s a very unstable environment for her and her unborn child. I’m worried she will fall apart when she realises that our mutual friend won’t leave his new girlfriend for her.

I have no idea what to advise her but I’m actually a bit annoyed with her! Aibu?

OP posts:
Dollymylove · 30/12/2025 11:25

Assuming its the same guy, he should have read the red flag when she walked in front of a car because he didnt want to see her. He should have run a million miles away but now it seems she's having his baby.
If their is a baby a DNA test should probably done when the baby is born.
If I was in OPs shoes I think I wiuld step away and let her family deal with her

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 30/12/2025 11:26

I think I'd be urging her and the potential dad to have a pre natal dna test asap. It sounds like she isn't sure he is the dad and the identity of the dad might affect her decision making. I think the only thing you can do then is encourage the dad yo make clear to her, gently, that he will support the child but does not want a relationship with her. He needs to make clear what that support will look like, practically and fincially e.g. how much contact does he want, on what schedule. What maintenance will he pay, and will nursery costs be on top. And gently ask questions around how she will access support, where she will live, etc.

OneDearFawn · 30/12/2025 11:27

MrsFaustus · 30/12/2025 10:29

If she is actually pregnant, I’d be feeling pretty judgemental too. Poor child and poor bloke (unless he didn’t use a condom).

Poor bloke? Ohhh yeah, bless his cotton socks.

Netcurtainnelly · 30/12/2025 11:28

Namechangeragainn · 30/12/2025 10:18

I am worried about her because of the situation she is in. There may be judgement in this, but i think it’s pretty understandable. I’ve been with her through all her breakups and situations and seen how poorly she can make herself. I suppose I am “annoyed” that she has ended up in this situation as I cannot understand her rationale at all.

She seems to think that this will be a fairytale ending, when it clearly won’t be. And in the middle of it all is a small baby who will be born in chaos. So yes, maybe I am judgemental

Show quote history

Take no notice, your absolutely right.
Sounds like a very unstable person.
However its not your problem, stepback and dont get so involved.

Strangers on the internet cant help on this one.
Maybe the mutual friend shouldn't have bedded her, its his problem too. Not your circus.

Netcurtainnelly · 30/12/2025 11:29

OneDearFawn · 30/12/2025 11:27

Poor bloke? Ohhh yeah, bless his cotton socks.

Show quote history

Poor child more like.

Livpool · 30/12/2025 11:31

MrsFaustus · 30/12/2025 10:29

If she is actually pregnant, I’d be feeling pretty judgemental too. Poor child and poor bloke (unless he didn’t use a condom).

Exactly!

ManyPigeons · 30/12/2025 11:32

Well he should’ve used a condom considering he knows she’s erratic and dangerous. He should insist on a DNA test.

You need to tell her it’s unlikely they will get back together, but she is unlikely to listen because that’s part of her personality disorder. No point being angry at a duck for quacking.

ManyPigeons · 30/12/2025 11:32

Well he should’ve used a condom considering he knows she’s erratic and dangerous. He should insist on a DNA test.

You need to tell her it’s unlikely they will get back together, but she is unlikely to listen because that’s part of her personality disorder. No point being angry at a duck for quacking.

MissyMooPoo2 · 30/12/2025 11:36

greenwithglee · 30/12/2025 10:29

But honestly, judgement isn’t going to help her here, even if you think it’s justified.

She’s pregnant and vulnerable, and however well you think you hide it, judgement will come across. That will just add to her stress and upset, which isn’t good for her or the baby. That’s not supporting her, it’s making things harder. Stress in the mother is linked to traits like autism, higher rates of preterm birth, and low birth weight; this isn't trivial.

You also don’t actually know that she’s done this intentionally, that’s an assumption. If it wasn’t intentional and you’re treating it like it was, that’s really harmful. And if it was intentional, the reality of it not turning into the fairytale she’s imagining will hit her harder than any judgement from you ever could.

What she needs right now is calm, non-judgemental support. If you can give that, great. If you can’t put those feelings aside, it’s probably kinder to step back rather than stay involved and add to the chaos, stress and upset.

You will not be helping if you stay hanging around as a judgemental presence.

Show quote history

Oh come on. Sometimes judgement is deserved and needed.

MissyMooPoo2 · 30/12/2025 11:38

greenwithglee · 30/12/2025 11:02

I will keep on repeating that ongoing maternal stress in pregnancy isn’t harmless. This isn’t about blaming women for being stressed, life happens, but it is why adding judgement and pressure is a problem. And if the OP is going to do that she needs to step back.

High, prolonged stress raises cortisol levels, which cross the placenta. Research links this to higher risks of prematurity, low birth weight and babies being more unsettled. Longer term, it’s associated with difficulties around emotional regulation, anxiety and stress responses in children.

That doesn’t mean a stressed mum has “ruined” her baby, but it does mean that reducing avoidable stress matters. Feeling judged, criticised or blamed absolutely adds to stress, however well people think they’re hiding it or that their feelings are valid.

For a pregnant woman who is already emotionally vulnerable, what helps is calm, non-judgemental support and stability. What doesn’t help is analysing motives, expressing annoyance or holding her responsible for how things may turn out.

If someone can genuinely offer support without judgement, great. If they can’t, stepping back is kinder than staying involved in a way that increases stress for both mum and baby.

Show quote history

And who caused this stress???!

noidea69 · 30/12/2025 11:41

Back away from this one.

Unless you are enjoying the drama of it all, in that case tell the bloke he's one of a few who could be the dad.

greenwithglee · 30/12/2025 11:42

MissyMooPoo2 · 30/12/2025 11:38

And who caused this stress???!

Show quote history

Doesn't matter. Adding to it hurts an unborn innocent baby.

greenwithglee · 30/12/2025 11:43

MissyMooPoo2 · 30/12/2025 11:36

Oh come on. Sometimes judgement is deserved and needed.

Show quote history

It will not help, solve anything or improve the situation. All it can possibly do is upset the mother further and potentially cause long-term harm to the baby.

shuffleofftobuffalo · 30/12/2025 11:44

I knew someone with EUPD who did this and did manage to trap the man (and he was definitely trapped). No good will come of it for any of them.

Your friend will do whatever she intends to - but the potential father needs to know there is a chance it’s not his and to request a DNA test before he commits to a life of attempting to co parent with her. You’d do well to let him know.

The best you can do is to support her to access help without getting caught up in the drama.

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 30/12/2025 11:46

She sounds hard work, so unless she has other sterling qualities I would back off

I'd also gently suggest termination, pointing out equally gently the father isn't going to live with her, and mid 20s with no money to move out is no time to have a baby

Hoardasurass · 30/12/2025 11:50

She may think its your friends baby but if she's had sex with other men around the time of conception then she has no idea who the father is.
If you care about her you need to spell out that he will expect a DNA test and that it might not be his. Also that even IF hes the father she will be doing this alone, he doesn't want to be with her and will not dump his girlfriend to live with her. So she needs to get used to the idea that her fantasy life with him will never happen, the best she can expect is CMS and him having dc independently of her. If possible get her to talk to her prenatal team to get herself some MH support and maybe some CBT ot DBT as they can help with personality disorders.

Tell the potential father that he is 1 of a number of potential fathers, so he doesn't get attached to the idea of being a dad when he might not be.

Unfortunately whether hes the dad or not is going to be a problem for her as she's so fixed on him being a family with her and hes saying no matter what he doesn't want to be with her, that will be very hard for her to accept, same if hes not the dad. Either way she's going to cause issues for him and he needs to be prepared for the fallout and should start using condoms in future

Bluepurpleraindisco · 30/12/2025 11:51

I’d just keep you to yourself and let her be. She’ll figure it out along the way.

MissyMooPoo2 · 30/12/2025 11:51

greenwithglee · 30/12/2025 11:43

It will not help, solve anything or improve the situation. All it can possibly do is upset the mother further and potentially cause long-term harm to the baby.

Show quote history

If there even is a baby.

Judgement is useful when it determines action.

Passaggressfedup · 30/12/2025 11:54

If someone can genuinely offer support without judgement, great. If they can’t, stepping back is kinder than staying involved in a way that increases stress for both mum and baby
It is very possible to hav judgemental thoughts but no act on them!

Also, it's very possible to be empathetic and without agreeing with everything someone says or feel. Sometimes the best way to help someone is to let them see their situation from a different perspective.

MissyMooPoo2 · 30/12/2025 11:54

Bluepurpleraindisco · 30/12/2025 11:51

I’d just keep you to yourself and let her be. She’ll figure it out along the way.

Oh for crying out loud! Most likely she will NOT “figure it out along the way”. In her eyes, this isn’t a child but simply a tool to get the man she wants.

PersephonePomegranate · 30/12/2025 11:57

I wish people would stop with the pretence that they dont judge - of course they do, it's human nature.

Judgement is different to condemnation though, and while the OP might be judging her friend's behavior, she is not condemning her; she is obviously concerned for her friend and it sounds to me like that's justified!

Hoardasurass · 30/12/2025 11:59

greenwithglee · 30/12/2025 10:29

But honestly, judgement isn’t going to help her here, even if you think it’s justified.

She’s pregnant and vulnerable, and however well you think you hide it, judgement will come across. That will just add to her stress and upset, which isn’t good for her or the baby. That’s not supporting her, it’s making things harder. Stress in the mother is linked to traits like autism, higher rates of preterm birth, and low birth weight; this isn't trivial.

You also don’t actually know that she’s done this intentionally, that’s an assumption. If it wasn’t intentional and you’re treating it like it was, that’s really harmful. And if it was intentional, the reality of it not turning into the fairytale she’s imagining will hit her harder than any judgement from you ever could.

What she needs right now is calm, non-judgemental support. If you can give that, great. If you can’t put those feelings aside, it’s probably kinder to step back rather than stay involved and add to the chaos, stress and upset.

You will not be helping if you stay hanging around as a judgemental presence.

Show quote history

Stress does not cause autism! The study that linked stress with autism did not stand up to scrutiny and has been shown to be nonsense and junk science no better than Andrew Wakefields study linking autism to the MMR.
I really wish people would stop spreading misinformation about autism and its causes, especially when using it to blame women for things out of their control

Thebillsareringing · 30/12/2025 12:06

PersephonePomegranate · 30/12/2025 11:57

I wish people would stop with the pretence that they dont judge - of course they do, it's human nature.

Judgement is different to condemnation though, and while the OP might be judging her friend's behavior, she is not condemning her; she is obviously concerned for her friend and it sounds to me like that's justified!

This, exactly.

I judge both of them here, they shouldn’t have been having unprotected sex. The innocent in this will be a child being brought into this and as someone who worked in education and social services it’s frustrating.

Hopefully she isn’t pregnant and they both wrap it up next time.

mydogisanidiott · 30/12/2025 12:12

Lots of women get pregnant by accidentally and have a baby with a father who they are not in a relationships with.

your friend is no different and a baby is a wonderful beautiful thing.

she is 25 not 15. She needs help and support not judging.

She has EUPD- again lots of mother do! She can get support.

BeforeSigourneyWeaverTheyWoveTheirOwnSigourneys · 30/12/2025 12:18

How typical that a man has unprotected sex with a vulnerable woman and is getting the usual "awwwwww poor bloke" sympathies.

He put himself into that situation so I have no sympathy for him at all.

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