@AnnaMagnani This made me laugh out loud - partly in recognition. I suspect I could also be quite intense in my twenties 😂. Going from uni, where these conversations were commonplace, into the wider world, where they are not, did take adjustment. Luckily I then married someone similar so we could be each other’s main conversation partner, along with wide-ranging WhatsApp chats with various friends. I’m so much better at small talk than I used to be and now take pleasure in making social as well as intellectual connections.
@Isthatmyleopard I was like your daughter as a younger woman - perhaps less intensely so, but I was learning to find channels for my intellectual curiosity once I’d finished uni. I am ND by the way - diagnosed ADHD. Loving my parents, I was always interested in their thoughts on various topics.
One of my parents was very open to this kind of phone conversation and the other wasn’t; they view phone calls more like a ‘family bulletin’ - I’ve done this, what have you done?, here are some updates on family members X, Y and Z.
Funnily enough (and I’m not suggesting it’s the same with you) the parent who is happy with deeper discussions is, I would say, neurotypical, while the one who does not want them is actually very similar to me in many ways, and I suspect has undiagnosed ADHD. From discussions with this parent over the years, I’ve realised that they went to school at a time when intelligence was viewed more narrowly (significantly about fact retention with less value placed on using that knowledge for critical thinking). They found this fairly difficult, but are an excellent critical thinker and highly emotionally intelligent. My impression is that my parent doesn’t express or explore these elements of themselves as much as they naturally might because it was not encouraged when they were growing up.
Ultimately, I think our communication issues came from both sides; we both suffer from anxiety which we deal with differently - my parent by keeping a certain control over topics of conversation (among other things). My communication style didn’t help - like many with ADHD, my natural speech can be very fast when excited about an idea or feeling anxious, which I recognise can be overwhelming (I modulate this now). For a long time, I thought that my parent found me annoying (which they probably did sometimes). I knew they loved me, but I felt that they didn’t especially like me at times.
I now realise, partly just from maturing, partly through recognising my own (and our similar) tendencies through diagnosis, and partly though therapy, that our disconnects in communication don’t necessarily mean this. We are closer now than we were and I think we understand each other better, but it’s still not as ‘easy’ a relationship as I have with my other parent. I’ve learnt over time mainly to have lighter discussions with this parent, especially on the phone, though I do feel a bit of sadness at a missed opportunity to know them more deeply by hearing about their ideas from time to time.
With your daughter, I think the overall balance is what matters. She will probably mellow as she matures, but may also benefit from being told when she’s getting a bit much. Equally, if she is really interested in your thoughts (which most genuinely intellectual people are), then engaging with her this way sometimes on some topics when you have the bandwidth will probably deepen your relationship and make her feel valued.