Catering for dietary requirements

[conductable]

I'm 35 weeks pregnant, so I haven't caught anyone in the family by surprise turning up to dinner with a few requirements on what I can and can't eat.

I went round to my in-laws for dinner last night and whilst my BIL and his wife and child all had accommodations made by my MIL for all their dietary preferences (one allergy and 2 preferences) I had to sit there hungry through the starters until the main course was served as there was nothing suitable, they had done parma ham or pate for starter, smoked salmon canapes or goats cheese canapes, when we arrived. Again, then nothing on the cheese course, not even a cheddar, just brie, stilton, and goats.

I dont mind picking around bits, but I was deeply hurt they had gone to great effort for my BIL and family, and I didn't get anything until 8:30 because absolutely everything is on my current no-go list.

yes that’s unkind and silly of them

but… Why didn’t you ask?! “There’s nothing I can eat here and I feel quite peckish watching everyone else eat! Do you have some crisps, cheese or salad or hummus I could have perhaps?”

Did you tell them what you can’t eat or just assume they’d know?

Can’t say if you’re BU or NBU without asking - do your PILs understand what you can’t eat when pregnant? I’m 66 now, and things are very different from when I was pregnant. The list of things you’re not supposed to eat is much longer! So unless you’ve said something to them to make it clear, I can understand that they may not have realised.

If you have said something, previously, then they were being unreasonable.

I agree with a PP that I would expect you to let them know what you can’t have as guidance will have changed over the years.

I was offered some toast and jam, as a starter when I said that I couldn't eat anything. None of their cheeses were suitable, they went posh canapes rather than crisps. My DP went to do a fridge raid for me and just came back shaking his head, there was nothing apart from toast, cereal and condiments

I think you need to explain what you can’t eat and check in advance what plans are.
There’s several things on there that I would assume are ok but my dc is 20 so I’m not up on current guidelines.

Did you tell them what you aren't eating?
The guidelines change and they may not have realised, my Mum and MIL usd to try and serve me all sorts but once I told them what I was and wasn't eating it was fine

They've been through it twice recently with their other daughter and my SIL, I have previously told them- like I said I'm quite far along and this isn't the first time!!! I mean if they weren't sure they could ask or even google, but I have told them before

I lived on smoked salmon when pg with DD (20)

Great, but its now on the banned list so I think I'll keep giving it a miss thanks.

It is a bit unfair they didn't cater for you - but I agree with other posters. You know what you are advised not to eat when pregnant nowadays because you are pregnant and have received that advice. It's unfair on your part to assume that everyone else knows. Why would they?

I think the onus is on the person with the restrictions to relay that information, not assume that everyone else will automatically Google the information.

I have told them and so has my partner!!!

You can absolutely choose what you do and don't eat at any time but you need to mak sure its communicated very clearly
Never heard of a "banned list"either

I was confused when I read your post because I wasn't aware of the current dietry guidelines for pregnancy; and they are just guidelines, right? Because anyone who had children 20+ years ago did not have this; the only guideline I was told was no more than 2 glasses of wine a week, only one can of tuna a week and you might wish to avoid runny cheeses in the rare case they contain listeria.

Or the NHS avoid list, whatever you what to call it. Same thing- dont eat these foods as they may cause harm to your unborn baby.

You didn't make that clear in your OP.

If you specifically said I can't eat X, Y and Z and the only served X, Y and Z then they were at fault.

They’re isn’t banned though. There is advice. Did SIL choose to follow this advice? Did you let them you were. How recently? My youngest child is 6 yrs old and I could take a stab at what’s on the list but I will have very likely forgotten most things.

Well they are guidelines, but I dont think anyone would forgive themselves if they had been given the information by their midwife and NHS and chose to ignore it as just a "guideline" and then something happened to harm their unborn child.

You should have given them the heads up. My youngest is only 5, but I just wouldn’t have thought about any pregnancy restrictions. Rightly or wrongly, it wouldn’t have been on my radar.

I am coeliac and I make sure that people know in advance NOT to cater for me (cross contamination is a fucking nightmare if you aren’t used to it, and processed gf food is expensive and to be honest, a load of shit, so I don’t want people wasting money).

I see it as my responsibility to let people know - if there are things you can’t/don’t want to eat (my SIL is French, the things she eats when pregnant would probably shock you!), you need to let people know.

SIL followed it to the letter. Her baby was conceived after many rounds of IVF and she was beyond diligent in her pregnancy care.

I had, several times. My partner has as well

Not great hosting, but you could have had jam on toast or a small amount of cereal to tide you over. Didn't they have one tin of soup you could have had?

Well, in that case, it’s pretty poor on their part.

Either they think you are being over the top, or they didn’t listen properly and thought you would have eaten it if you were hungry enough. Or they didn’t care.

If you had listed the things you couldn’t eat to me, I would have made sure I had a meal for you or i
would have planned the meal differently so you wouldn’t have felt left out.

Do you usually get on okay?

I don’t know why everyone is so desperate to find you unreasonable OP. It’s rude not to cater to your guests, and it sounds like they are well aware of the guidance and believe it should be followed so don’t have the excuse of ignorance.

ETA - and it’s not even difficult to cater for a pregnant woman! The NHS list of things you can’t eat is pretty small really.

I did have jam on toast. I am upset because it wasn't great hosting and they had put so much effort into looking after the others at the table. Yes I could cope, yes I did cope. But I am smarting at the difference in treatment.

If they hadn't looked after anyone and expected to do one meal and people pick around the bits they couldn't have then fine, but to bend over backwards to look after three guests and then not bother with the fourth is just shitty in my book.