Catering for dietary requirements

[conductable]

I'm 35 weeks pregnant, so I haven't caught anyone in the family by surprise turning up to dinner with a few requirements on what I can and can't eat.

I went round to my in-laws for dinner last night and whilst my BIL and his wife and child all had accommodations made by my MIL for all their dietary preferences (one allergy and 2 preferences) I had to sit there hungry through the starters until the main course was served as there was nothing suitable, they had done parma ham or pate for starter, smoked salmon canapes or goats cheese canapes, when we arrived. Again, then nothing on the cheese course, not even a cheddar, just brie, stilton, and goats.

I dont mind picking around bits, but I was deeply hurt they had gone to great effort for my BIL and family, and I didn't get anything until 8:30 because absolutely everything is on my current no-go list.

I had absolutely no idea that so many things are now against the guidelines for pregnant women. The list of foods in the OP is all really standard party food, and I'd be pretty stumped to come up with a buffet menu that didn't include several of them.

I'm turning into my MIL: my inner voice is saying "We didn't have all these restrictions in my day and we were fine." In the 50s and 60s, it was recommended for women to drink Guinness or Mackeson during pregnancy, that'd be a huge red flag now. I

It's amazing that so many of us survived our mother's eating habits unscathed.

I didn’t avoid any of that when I was pregnant, except pate, and even that I had in a small amount one time because a little bit of pate is not going to give you so much vitamin A that it harms your baby. So it wouldn’t even occur to me that another pregnant woman wouldn’t eat those things.

I can see why you are annoyed to a point OP, however, as a host, I'd have been annoyed a little being obliged to cater to one of those stupid lists. Which incidentally are entirely different to the list of what you don't eat in, say, Japan, while pregnant.

Allergies - well, some are simple to avoid, others not so much.

No of course it wasn't a hunger strike. But I couldn't happily tuck in while my pregnant wife had hardly anything to eat. I would leave and take her out for food.

This.

Really, if you are seriously worried, stop driving. except no one will, they just expect others to cater to their dietary whims.

He was too busy tucking in as it wasn't a hunger strike. It is apparently fine for everyone, even the father of the unborn baby not to deny themselves while a pregnant woman has barely anything to eat.

Did you inform them of your dietary requests in advance? If not, how are they supposed to know.

It wasn’t very hospitable of them OP but why did it take till after everyone had eaten their starters/ 8:30 for you to have toast and jam. Are you saying your DH sat and ate and only when he was done did he find you some food?

Yes it was rude, she should have made sure there was a few things suitable for you. However, Stilton isn’t on the banned NHS list so there was one thing you could have eaten.

Typo

He ate because it wasn't a hunger strike apparently.

I think it was more likely the thought you’d be able to eat around or eat some of it. So rather than it being a total disregard of your needs, more of a oh well this will be fine.

I agree- it is rude!

When you ate your toast and jam were your PILS at least a little bit apologetic?

NHS guidelines are very conservative and not always up to day. In my country they researched this properly and made a risk assessment on the consumption of liver products by pregnant women and concluded that limited amounts of liver pate are OK, and can be beneficial due to the high levels of folic acid and iron (particularly if the diet is otherwise limited) but main course liver dishes like liver casserole and fried liver are not safe as they exceed the limit. I'm not suggesting pregnant women start eating pate if they are fine not eating it, but if its a choice of a bit of pate on toast or going hungry, I would opt for the pate.

https://www.ruokavirasto.fi/en/foodstuffs/instructions-for-consumers/safe-use-of-foodstuffs/liver-and-liver-based-foods/consumption-of-liver-and-liver-based-food-during-pregnancy/

Finland. The food authorities like to give evidence based advice here.

What did you expect the other guests to do? Refuse to eat to make a statement?😂Walk out?

Between siblings at a family meal, I guess most people would just say "oh mum! she cant' eat that" and jump in the car and pop to the nearest shop - but i appreciate I am in London, there are shops. Might not be the case middle of nowhere.

But people have weird relationship with their family on this forum

https://www.nhs.uk/pregnancy/keeping-well/foods-to-avoid/

My youngest child is five so unless guidelines have changed since 2020, I think goats cheese is allowed.

Having said that, if they have recently catered for pregnant women and are fully aware of all current banned foods then YANBU. Jam on toast is nice though to be fair.

Advice re salmon is it’s fine to eat 2-3 times a week (actually really good for you and baby) but due to Mercury content, should be limited. Mil, I assume, isn’t a mind reader so use your words and communicate in advance next time. Some goats cheese is also fine but guidance changes so it’s for you to lead rather than expect mil to research.

It completely changed between dd1 and dtds - 3 years apart.

Nobody jumped in the car to go to the nearest shop. They all ate while OP had barely anything.

So was it just the starter you couldn't eat as presumably the cheese course came after the main so you ate that?

It was annoying for you - but I wonder if just a total oversight as clearly they were already catering for other people's preferences.

Is the relationship good generally?

The jam on toast thing seems odd to me as did you not then have the main course about 3 minutes later or am I being quite dim which is quite possible?

My main issue would have been heartburn eating that late when heavily pregnant.

I can't see anything "banned" there, its advice
That you can take or not
Everyone needs to make their own choices, with the assistance of properly qualified people if needed.
Nothing is "banned", its advised that some foods are avoided or eaten with care/in small amounts

These kind of guidelines existed back when my mum was pregnant in the 1980s! Dd1 is nearly 18 and there was a longer list then than three years later when I was pregnant with dtds as with them I could eat peanuts but dd1 it was a hard no.

We got there at 5 pm and there were canapes, for starter at 7pm to keep us going until the main at 8, which due to timings didnt then appear until half an hour later than planned. So a nice spread out meal for those who were tucking into all the bits. But the first food I could eat didnt arrive until 8:30.

Im hurt by the fact MIL thinks herself a great host because she puts effort into looking after everyone, and catered for preferences for three people but didnt bother at all for me. Yes I scavenged some toast to keep me going, but if your guests are having to make toast to tide themselves over to dinner you cant claim to be an excellent hostess?

Cured fish isnt ok, so smoked salmon is a no. They've been told this several times.