Catering for dietary requirements

[conductable]

I'm 35 weeks pregnant, so I haven't caught anyone in the family by surprise turning up to dinner with a few requirements on what I can and can't eat.

I went round to my in-laws for dinner last night and whilst my BIL and his wife and child all had accommodations made by my MIL for all their dietary preferences (one allergy and 2 preferences) I had to sit there hungry through the starters until the main course was served as there was nothing suitable, they had done parma ham or pate for starter, smoked salmon canapes or goats cheese canapes, when we arrived. Again, then nothing on the cheese course, not even a cheddar, just brie, stilton, and goats.

I dont mind picking around bits, but I was deeply hurt they had gone to great effort for my BIL and family, and I didn't get anything until 8:30 because absolutely everything is on my current no-go list.

A pp mentioned peanuts. Which are now recommended to eat, where I live at least.

What I find is that if you look at differernt lists and in differernt places and how they change over time, and also why they are supposedly risky, and how those risks compare to other things, a lot of it is just kind of silly.

Now, the OP is welcome to eat what she likes obviously. But I think a general rule is that if you have a lot of no nos in your diet, it's a good idea to bring some kind of food contribution you know you can eat.

Yes - canapes at 5, starter at 7, main at 8-30 (planned for 8). She was able to eat the main course and dessert.

I think OP did actually have some toast before the main course.

MIL was thoughtless, but there was no reason to leave and ruin the entire evening.

actually yes, if I go to my MUM and bring someone with allergy/ strict dietary requirements, I ask what's she's planned and if I can help by bringing something suitable.

If my mum or my besties invites me for diner, I might even casually ask: oh, what are we having. Don't you talk with your relatives?

Even with friends, I at least ASK if I can take some "safe food" for the person who needs to eat differently.

• That‘s not what I asked.
• You’re not who I asked.
• Everything you’ve said has already been addressed in this thread.
• Are you not busy accusing people of ‘personal attacks’ when they say the exact same thing you’ve said back to you?

@SereneCoralExpert For thee. As much about this thread seems to be confounding you.

you literally wrote

When you arrive for dinner at someone’s house, do you generally ask for a breakdown of the menu?

I replied.

It's a public forum, isn't that what we are here for? A discussion?
You don't have to agree with my comments, but on a public forum, you are not going to start policing when I am writing my point, the same as you do. Feel free to ignore my post, no one is stopping you doing that.

Ditto. And soft cheeses and pate.

Hi all

Can we ask that this thread gets back on track?

Please avoid engaging with users who you no longer wish to engage with. Further engagement will only serve to derail the thread, and it soon becomes quite personal (which will likely break talk guidelines).

It doesn’t matter what the guidelines state or what others did or didn’t eat whilst pregnant. It is what you feel comfortable with and you have communicated that previously (and I assume clearly, as I wouldn’t know that smoked salmon is cured).

sadly it is a lesson learnt and you should probably take something with you if there is a next time or asked what she is planning before you go and take something by with you.

it is hurtful and I wonder if this is some reflection of your wider relationship if the other 3 were catered for. But you only have a few weeks to go and hopefully it’s something you can laugh about with your dp (who I hope made the toast for you)

I thought you could eat blue cheese as long as it is hard and pasteurised (which stilton is). I think that's part of the problem though - there is lots of confusion as the guidelines change quite regularly

Your in-laws are abusing you with this behaviour. Having gone through the same thing for many years I can guarantee it will get worse and you will made out to be the awkward one when they are basically being nasty to you. I’d tell your dp he sorts his parents attitude and behaviour now or they can forget you seeing them again and that as the baby comes with you that will
include them too! They treat you like their daughter / son in law now or just don’t bother and you will make damn sure they need to bother with you again!

DONT do what I did which is basically pretend it wasn’t happening/was an accident/was not their fault or deliberate when actually it was and my dp also was behaving the same way towards me which is classed as domestic abuse now and made my life miserable and every single holiday made me very upset and had a knock on effect on my confidence long term

When I arrive at my MILs house I would enter the kitchen and say something like 'we're here, What's for tea, can I help?'

If there was absolutely nothing I could eat I would either say do you mind if if I make xyz or id send DH out.

Its crap the MIL didn't cater for the OP requirements but to get upset and not say something either to her or to DH is more unreasonable.

Unless they have had a baby in the last few years they won’t know what you can and can’t have, no idea why you didn’t take food you could eat with you.

It sounds like you want everyone to say it was clearly intentional and that your MIL was singling you out and is just a big meanie. Only you know how likely that is.

The simplest explanation is that she literally wasn't fully aware of the specifics of what you can/can't have and has been thoughtless. For example, I knew about blue cheese but I would never have guessed that there would be an issue with Parma ham, smoked salmon or goats cheese.

What was their reaction when they realised they'd messed up? If they were mortified and apologetic and promised to be more thoughtful next time, fair enough.

I dont think it was intentional. But I am hurt that she took such great effort with everyone else but just didnt bother for me. It shows a lack of consideration and care.

If she hadnt bothered with anyone and just had us pick and choose what we could eat then fine. But I dont think you cater for three peoples needs and not the fourth

Did you (or your husband) say anything?

She'd been told before, she was told in the run up. I think she got the point when I didn't take anything as a starter and my DH went into the kitchen and came back with some toast.

So she is well aware that I couldn't have anything, I havent said that I was hurt by it or I thought it was shitty on her part. She didn't and hasnt apologised. I just wont be rushing back.

We had been seeing them once a fortnight or every three weeks (since the pregnancy announcement, I think she was trying to set a new normal rhythm of visits before baby comes so that would carry on), I wont be carrying on with that.

She wasnt rude. The comment she replied to was irrelevant and unhelpful.

She didnt make the list, the NHS did. Just because you ignored it and didnt care if it had an impact on your baby, doesnt mean everyone else is the same 🤷🏼‍♀️

All understood. But I really think your DH ought to say something. You were treated very poorly.

it isn't hard. normal ham instead of Parma, mushroom pate. cheddar cheese and some crackers. how can that be beyond your average adult to sort?

mother in law was hosting and had been told repeatedly what op couldn't eat. mil was able to comprehended choices enough to facilitate three other people needs / wants. op shouldn't need to turn up with a 3 course meal and ping it in the microwave. she could stay home for that! if mil didn't want to cater for op, she could have used her grown up words

missing the point completely

I said that people don't KNOW what's on the NHS list, or even whatever other list people are using.

There are better and more researched information online than the NHS you know, and with internet, it's just as easily accessible.