MIL gave children gifts from a homeless charity for christmas!

[Jellyworms]

Thats it really, just a bit taken aback!

MIL is a strange one at the best of times, always expects but never wants to give. She didnt get my children (her first and only grandchildren aged 2 and 4) anything last year but asked my dh why we didnt gift her anything. Anyway, fast forward to this christmas.

she came over for christmas day with two big paper bags full of toys for both my children, i was shocked as the only thing shes ever brought them is a pair of socks.. children both started opening said gifts when my dd bought me over a piece of paper that was inside to read im assuming thinking it was a christmas card.
i started reading and to my absoloute horror it said “merry christmas from community assosiation” then at the bottom had a box ticked boy x girl x age and packed by x x x

i was absoloutley shocked, didnt make a thing of it until she had left later in the evening when i bought it up to dh. He completley didnt understand the situation and brushed it off.

googled the charity and its a homeless charity for children and adults facing homelessness and fleeing abuse (none of which she is!) no idea how on earth shes wrangled this but im absoloutley seething with anger at her for being so selfish taking from vulnerable children, lying and also not giving two hoots about her grandchildren that she cant even purchase them a gift.
the gifts were gorgeous and worth id say £60 per child easily that people have clearly bought to donate in good will.

What would you do? Do i confront her? Do i tell the chairty?

He probably thinks it's normal as he has grown up with her.

Let the food banks know she is defrauding them, too.

How do you know for sure that she isn’t in dire financial need? Or she could have bought them second hand from a charity shop where someone else had received them and donated them with the note stil inside.
or won from a charity raffle.
i think you’re making way too big a thing of this and should let it go

…this may come as a suprise, but, there are so many charities and organisations doing “boxes” at this time of year, that there are “lefovers”. We did 96 boxes at our school, and not all of them found homes. Peoples generosity is fantastic, but, just because OPs MIL got these boxes, does not mean that someone more needy was denied.

Your MiL is clearly batshit, so I'd stop giving her headspace if I were you.

The charity either has broad criteria for distribution, poor internal checks or have been deliberately defrauded by your MIL. If you suspect the latter, you could make a monetary donation to the charity to recompense them. If you think your MIL regularly defrauds charities you could report her to them- data protection will mean they can't discuss any action they take or her actual circumstances with you.

In the meantime let your kids enjoy their new toys from Granny. They don't care whether the toys came from the food bank or Hamleys really.

I don't understand. When I read your post my assumption was that she bought the gifts from a homeless charity who would use the proceeds of the sale to fund their activities. How do you know this is not the case? Why would you report her when it sounds as though she has something going on?

I only say this because I have had family members misconstrue my actions and words simply because they don't like me. I would urge you to get all the facts before doing anything - this is where your husband comes in.

I agree with those who say that it is up to your DH to get to the bottom of what's going on. Most people don't use food banks unless they have to.

If op is right and her mil is comfortably off and fraudulently using food banks and charities, she is definitely batshit. I would want to be so careful I was correct about that before doing anything though. You may not know her full circumstances. If you are right, it is really concerning that the charities aren't doing any checks before giving people donations

Ugh duplicate post. So annoying

Some times charities sell donations if they feel it would make more money for the charity. Sometime recipient's sell what they recieve if they need the money more. One or other of these things being the case and your MiL getting the things from a charity shop, ebay or something seem more likely than her posing as a person with children to a homeless charity.
I'd suggest you ask her before you go calling the charity (who will have much to do answering calls from those in need). If it turns out you have evidence she had defrauded them, report then.

The children have been gifted these and so the onus to do anything does not lie with you or them. I personally wouldn't give them back to the charity (since they've been opened, Christmas has gone and they aren't old enough to be able to appreciate the situation so it would be quite confusing for them). Make a small donation to the charity if that makes you feel better but you are under no obligation to do so - any obligation lies firmly with your MIL. If I was you, I wouldn't challenge her on this yourself but as you children grow up, I would use it as a teaching moment - "you know Granny has her way of being in the world and when she doesn't give a gift to you on Christmas that has absolutely nothing to do with you worth - people can be rude/stingy/selfish but none of that is ours to control". Better to teach them to hold on to their own sense of self in the face of other people's nonsense than to show them that their upset will always be sorted out by an intervention from you.

Your husband knows his own mother, whether he tackles her on it is up to him - if he does I'd start with, "we feel embarrassed/shocked/upset when you gift our children gifts meant for the needy and I just need to let you know that". This one is on firmly on your MIL OP - she may have mental health issues or just be incredibly stingy? Hope it didn't ruin your Christmas.

That’s really shameful.
I would take it back to the charity and explain them what happened.

Also your hubby should have a serious conversation with her.

Bloody hell, this is not ok. I’d be returning the gifts, or giving the charity money. I would defo be raising it with her and telling her never to do that again, she’s a disgrace really. Your DH needs to have a word too, not make you the bad one.

That was my assumption too. One of my local charities makes up lucky dip Christmas present bundles which they mark up as suitable for a 5-6 year old girl etc, which they have on the counter and which seem to sell really well. Are you sure it isn’t something like this, in which case I would be really happy that your mother in law had bought from a charity and the proceeds would benefit the homeless.

Lots of people seem to have missed a key detail in the post. These gifts weren't just sold by the charity to make a profit or whatever, or the grandma picked them up as part of a community pantry. They had the labels on them for sex and age of the child. Thats what they do when someone has asked for a donation as they can't afford presents for their child! Like for a child who is unlikely to get any or many presents at all. Not for a grandma to be giving!!

There are loads and loads of church food banks thank don't require a 'professional' referral eg from social services but just go on informal referrals eg a family worker at the church will have chatted to someone at the church toddler group who mentioned things were financially tight and the church worker will then pass them over to their churches food bank a bit like a referral. But they won't ask for proof or anything like that as they would worry about shaming the person, they tend to be very trusting.

Sadly it does mean these can be open to abuse, I'm sure many users are genuine but sadly at one such food bank near me there is a certain amount of people using it who are not in the dire straits some might imagine food bank users would be. Often these informal food banks also do not restrict users to just 3 visits a year, they are good Christian folk who just want to help people from the kindness of their hearts and don't have the heart to turn people in need away.

Trussell Trust foodbanks are the ones that are more formally run with referrals etc and restrictions on the number of visits.

Jfc. People using the words batshit and fraud and defrauding, the only batshit going on is here in this post.
Many people have reason to use Foodbanks or other charity . They may look well off, some of them may even be well off but nobody knows what they’re dealing with.

she may be using these places as a warm space, a place to go for company and comfort and a cuppa.

a charity could have easily foisted the gifts on to her, they may have had loads left in the lead up to Christmas and decided they need to offload them and knew she had grandchildren

she might have done a bit of pre Christmas volunteering or one of her friends might have volunteered and passed the gifts on to her…

theres multiple reasons she had those gifts and none of them are immediate signifiers of something nefarious.

get a grip, what a bunch of spiteful and judgmental scandalmongers.
@Jellyworms please don’t confront her over this and please don’t start besmirching her name with charities. They may be a lifeline to her in ways you can’t possibly imagine or understand.
its just toys, likely landfill if they hadn’t been donated.

I’d contact the charity and explain what’s happened. Ask them to explain how she accessed their services when she’s not homeless nor are her grandchildren? I wouldn’t return the presents as they’ve been given to the children. I’d get husband to have a word with her about it, and say it’s not on.

Before jumping to all sorts of conclusions on how your MIL got these gifts why wouldn’t you just ask her? You might be right or you could be wrong. You’ve got here your MIL is a con woman conning the food bank and deceiving them for gifts. You say she’s well off because she has a job and three adult children living at home. Do you know her finances, how do you know the three adult children living at home aren’t draining her finances?

Well this makes me want to never donate to food banks again. I thought my donations went to people in poverty not people like me who can afford it but rather not pay! Imagine buying an expensive present for a child in need, which was not given to a child in need! That in itself is fraud.

I’m personally very anti confrontation. Partly because this will affect your relationship with your husband. I’d say nothing to her at the moment. If you can afford to, make a donation to the charity, and donate any of the toys that are not going to be missed by your children. Then, tell her, and put in a nice letter or card to her your intention for Christmases ‘Yet To Come’.
Something like “Dearest MIL, from now on we have decided not to exchange gifts at this time of year. Instead we are making a donation in your name to [insert name of homeless charity] “ and push the point home.

I wouldn’t give them back - they may have no space to store them and you are then making your MILs odd behaviour their problem. My DSs school runs a pop up shop every Christmas to gift presents to those who can’t afford it. Most are referred by food banks and other charities but you can just rock up and help yourself - it works on trust and unfortunately you will always get one or two people taking the piss. However the alternative is to ask everyone coming to show proof of need which is potentially humiliating and will put people off. Your MIL could easily have gone to this type of set up and not have to prove anything. Your DH needs to tackle this with her - “Mum, are you struggling for money as we noticed the GCs gifts were donated from a charity”.

I have always had well paid jobs, own my own home and drive a car. However, there have been times in my life when I was really up shit creek. I was once conned out of a huge amount of money and thought I was going to end up homeless. I was lucky that I was young enough to be able to take on extra work - many others who were scammed lost their pensions, life savings and felt too old to start again. I also had family who would help with food sometimes. If not, I would have had to use food banks.If any of my neighbours had seen me doing that they would have thought I was conning the system because I still had my house and car etc and a well paid job.

It's not that easy to access a foodbank. How is she doing it and why haven't you put a stop to it?

How awful and grabby. I know a couple of older people who are always on the look out for freebies. They aren’t wealthy but they heard from their own friends that community pantry’s don’t ask questions.

If she is using these sorts of services ‘for whatever reason’ shame on her.

so she has seen through you op

what a messy relationship you have
you are as bad as each other