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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would you do - unhelpful husband

96 replies

Newmumsos · 28/12/2025 22:33

Ignore my username - I used to use mumsnet when became a first time mum and now have a (very full on) 3 year old and 18 month old.

Today we have come on holiday skiing. Obv very lucky to be away but it’s a budget hotel and we had a 4 hour coach transfer after a flight so we were travelling from 6am - 5pm then had to get dinner and sorted in the hotel. Toddler had big meltdown when we arrived - understandably so - and we’re all knackered.

Kids were asleep by 9pm and tomorrow we aim to be on the slopes and kids crèche for 9am so need to unpack bags and get sorted tonight - if you’ve been skiiing before you’ll know it’s soo much packing and equipment. DH (or not so darling in my opinion) just went to sleep with the kids even though I’d said we need to sort the bags. He also had a shower with the baby before bed in a guise of helping while I was tending to yet another toddler meltdown, so he’s all sorted.

I am only just now - at 11:30pm and after 2 hours of ‘sorting’ - packing bags, laying out outfits etc - quietly getting into the shower.

im sure kids will sleep until 7ish and theyre usually ok sleepers so i know ill have enough sleep, but this is just one example of how my husband just doesn’t even offer to help, let alone does help.

all day my toddler has wanted me as opposed to him, because I am the default parent who puts the time and energy in to soothing him.

I know I’m shattered and I know this sounds like first world problems, but what would you do? I’m fuming with him but more so I’m less angry and more just lost my respect for him. I work part time and do more of the ‘sorting’ normally but this is my holiday too (I’m a teacher so feel I bloody deserve this holiday) and yet i get less sleep than him and just doing the normal childcare and housework tasks I normally do…

OP posts:
SALaw · 28/12/2025 22:36

All day your toddler wanted you more than him, but tomorrow will be in the crèche so gets no choice parent at all. If you are happy that he gets crèche instead of parent then presumably you’re happy to also say no go to daddy not me and force your partner to be involved?

sittingonabeach · 28/12/2025 22:37

It’s not helping it’s parenting and he isn’t doing his fair share. Get him to get the DC ready in the morning

EndorsingPRActice · 28/12/2025 22:41

I get this as my DH often does the same and dodges work. But you didn’t have to sort for 2 hours, no one asked you to and does it really matter if you are a bit late tomorrow morning? You could have rested and / or got an early night too. And both got stuff ready together in the morning.

cestlavielife · 28/12/2025 22:44

4 hr transfer is loong (lesson learned next time get short transfer)
Of course you al tired and frazzzled
Tomorrow is another day

CelestialGazer · 28/12/2025 22:45

I’ve voted YABU because that’s a ridiculous journey to put your two children through. They will get nothing out of the holiday except stress.

Original poster
Newmumsos · 28/12/2025 22:54

Thanks for honest replies. Should have clarified kids are only going to crèche for 2 hours each morning - if all goes to plan - and then sledging, swimming, snowman making, naps, fun times etc as a family for the rest of the day.

you’re probably right - I could have just left it but our toddler genuinely won’t let go of me at the moment so it makes it very difficult. Think I sound a bit pretentious in my post but hopefully some of you understand!

OP posts:
Heronwatcher · 28/12/2025 22:59

I think I’d either have woken him up or left it until tomorrow morning after the toddler was in crèche and asked him to do it together then.

If he misses half a day of skiing it might teach him not to slope off and go to bed next time.

And yes, definitely, if your child hasn’t got the hang of “asking dad” they might need some gentle encouragement.

This doesn’t exactly sound like a relaxing holiday overall though.

KingscoteStaff · 28/12/2025 23:00

So when are you getting your skiing???
Are you planning to try to ski with DH? Or split the days?

Tomorrow morning will be all hands on deck, but I would be very quickly establishing that 2 of the other days you will be on the first lift up and will see them all (much) later!

HiCandles · 28/12/2025 23:00

I would be annoyed, yes, but is this out of character for him?
Who's idea was the skiing and long journey?
I'm amazed really that people do this with such young children. I have 2 very similar ages to you and 5 hours total journey time is the max we can tolerate or will attempt, done in sections with 2-3 long stops.
Cut all of you some slack. Skiing is tiring enough without parenting 2 tiny children alongside it.

Gagamama2 · 28/12/2025 23:08

It’s bloody annoying of him…but he is probably knackered and better at drawing a line and saying “no more” than you are.

getting the kids into crèche tomorrow for 9am after a very long journey and late bedtime today is crazy!! And that comes from someone who loves skiiing and goes each yr with all the kids.

many years ago I vetoed first day ski lessons for kids - the first day is to wake up, have a nice french breakfast, unpack, sort out ski hire, and do some family skiing in the afternoon.

lessons, crèche, early starts etc etc all happen from Monday onwards.

and no daily kids ski lessons that start before 10am or it just is miserable / exhausting for everyone. My kids are 6, 8 and 10 and we still stick to this rule.

your children are tiny. Go easy on yourselves and do less for these early years. You’ve presumably only just come out the other side of the hecticness of Christmas as well x

Fidgety31 · 28/12/2025 23:28

I hope you didn’t sort out your husbands bags and stuff while he slept - that’s heading towards martyrdom .

Jinglejells · 28/12/2025 23:41

CelestialGazer · 28/12/2025 22:45

I’ve voted YABU because that’s a ridiculous journey to put your two children through. They will get nothing out of the holiday except stress.

Same. What a horrible holiday for 2 very young kids. That amount of travelling is crazy do to something like skiing at their ages.d

Jungleballsjungleballs · 28/12/2025 23:51

direct him… make clear what the jobs are and that he will be partaking in them…

buggering off and sleeping when the kids need things done is not an option for a parent.

‘do you want to bath junior and put him to bed or pack the bags for tomorrow?’

‘Do you want to go and get the coffee for us or feed junior his breakfast? ’

Don’t let him be a lazy arse.

it’s annoying he doesn’t ‘see’ these jobs for himself - but that doesn’t mean you have to do everything.

delegation is the key - don’t let him off the hook - he has 2 working hands the sane as you and can put them to use. He is as much a parent as you .

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 28/12/2025 23:55

Hi OP

I'm not saying this isn't on your husband, it's shit that he went to sleep just expecting that you'd sort everything out. But why didn't you just wake him up and say that he needed to get up because there is a shitload of stuff to sort before tomorrow morning

BernardButlersBra · 28/12/2025 23:57

Fidgety31 · 28/12/2025 23:28

I hope you didn’t sort out your husbands bags and stuff while he slept - that’s heading towards martyrdom .

This.

frazznh · 29/12/2025 00:07

You are on holiday with limited belongings. What on earth have you been “sorting” for 2 hours? Stop being a martyr and go to bed.

haveaword · 29/12/2025 00:12

meh

bucket and spade holidays at that age

YABU - don’t do it just stop doing it

flumpsfortea · 29/12/2025 00:12

Besides the point, but this is a really daft idea for a family holiday with two such young kids. Especially if you’re already knackered. Why would you do it to yourself? And them?!

I relate to the dc only wanting you, that’s what happens in our house because it’s generally me doing the lions share of all the childcare. The only way to solve that is to make him do more for them and spend more time with them.

I think you’ll probably come home feeling even more knackered however!

awrbc81 · 29/12/2025 00:34

I think it’s fairly normal for babies and toddlers to want mum most of the time. You spend more time with them, and you’re their mum!

I really think you should have just gone to bed too and got up early to sort everything out together in the morning. Also don’t you want a rest after all that travelling with young kids? 9am on the slopes first morning is crazy.

EezyOozy · 29/12/2025 00:37

Ridiculous to drag two very young children on such a journey and shove them in a crèche with strangers for hours so that you can “hit the slopes”. Poor children.

CraftyPlayer · 29/12/2025 00:39

This entire scenario sounds awful.

Eenameenadeeka · 29/12/2025 00:52

I think getting two very young children into a creche with complete strangers at 9am the day after a huge day of travel is quite unrealistic to be honest..
I think you have just had a long day and need to rest a bit, and even though you shouldn't have to tell him what to do because he should notice for himself, if there's things that need to happen on the trip let him know so that he helps and doesn't leave it all to you.

Greyrock2828 · 29/12/2025 04:28

I'd book myself for a lovely massage and let DH look after the kids at least once whilst you're away. I'm also the default parent and its like pulling teeth trying to ger DH to actually do some parenting. But try to relax, it's a holiday, some men just need to be told what to do.

FieryA · 29/12/2025 05:21

This all seems like poor planning by you and husband. Given that you've had such a long day of travel, couldn't you have had the next morning bit more relaxed in terms of exploring the area or skiing in the afternoon? Also, i assume you already knew your husband doesn't always pull his weight. In that case, why didn't you negotiate who is doing what before itself, so both parties could do their assigned chores more efficiently? I feel sorry that you have a lazy husband. Therefore, the problem is bigger than him just not helping out today. Once you are back home, serious conversations about division of physical and emotional labour need to be had.

Moonnstarz · 29/12/2025 06:51

Not sure why it took 2 hours of sorting. Though I haven't been on a ski holiday so maybe I just don't understand the situation.
I think I would have gone to bed though and woke early, getting DH up too to do this sorting then. I know people say he should be able to think for himself, but sometimes it becomes more of a hassle if two people are trying to do the same job so I would be more specific about what you want him to do. I am not sure the two of you sorting bags would be the most constructive thing.