What would you do - unhelpful husband

[Newmumsos]

Ignore my username - I used to use mumsnet when became a first time mum and now have a (very full on) 3 year old and 18 month old.

Today we have come on holiday skiing. Obv very lucky to be away but it’s a budget hotel and we had a 4 hour coach transfer after a flight so we were travelling from 6am - 5pm then had to get dinner and sorted in the hotel. Toddler had big meltdown when we arrived - understandably so - and we’re all knackered.

Kids were asleep by 9pm and tomorrow we aim to be on the slopes and kids crèche for 9am so need to unpack bags and get sorted tonight - if you’ve been skiiing before you’ll know it’s soo much packing and equipment. DH (or not so darling in my opinion) just went to sleep with the kids even though I’d said we need to sort the bags. He also had a shower with the baby before bed in a guise of helping while I was tending to yet another toddler meltdown, so he’s all sorted.

I am only just now - at 11:30pm and after 2 hours of ‘sorting’ - packing bags, laying out outfits etc - quietly getting into the shower.

im sure kids will sleep until 7ish and theyre usually ok sleepers so i know ill have enough sleep, but this is just one example of how my husband just doesn’t even offer to help, let alone does help.

all day my toddler has wanted me as opposed to him, because I am the default parent who puts the time and energy in to soothing him.

I know I’m shattered and I know this sounds like first world problems, but what would you do? I’m fuming with him but more so I’m less angry and more just lost my respect for him. I work part time and do more of the ‘sorting’ normally but this is my holiday too (I’m a teacher so feel I bloody deserve this holiday) and yet i get less sleep than him and just doing the normal childcare and housework tasks I normally do…

Unlikely OP will come back I think, what with all the criticism. I'm with the not understanding it crew tbh. I do get parents want a few hours to themselves on holiday, I know I do, but for me that means going with grandparents or taking time for each parent to be alone, not putting them somewhere brand new for 2 hours on the first morning they arrive in a holiday place. Can just imagine my 3yo's little face if I merrily announced that this morning he'd be in kids club without parents when he thinks he's spent a whole day travelling to spend time with his parents on holiday. He happily went to nursery from 12m but that involved several settling sessions spread over a few weeks, initially an hour with me, then an hour alone then 1.5 hours inc lunch, and so on. Mad to me that parents expect all this from their regular childcare then go to France or wherever and suddenly expect kids to settle.

what are you on about?

Read the thread. People are talking about the mother here.

I think you're mad to have attempted this holiday. But if it was me I'd be up at 7 to get first dibs on the shower, grab my stuff and breeze out of the door with a cheery - "I spent 2 hours sorting everything out last night whilst you caught an early night so will take my two hours of me time now. Byee"

Or you could have an adult conversation about how he needs to share the work

Well if the.18 month old was there last year, I doubt they'll actually remember....

If you think having an opinion on a forum topic is ‘thread policing’ then you have a lot to learn about online forums.

Do you think 18 months old is a common time to start childcare settings?

But people spend time settling their children into childcare so they can go back to work. They will be there for about 4 years before starting school. Very different from being dumped for a weeks holiday.

🤣

Op you should have gone to bed and both done it in the morning sometimes you have to be selfish and this was the time just make sure he does it tomorrow night don’t be a martyr I was just like you but soon realised I’m not mother to dp even though there were times it felt like it.

You're an enabling martyr, and he's not "helping" - he should be parenting.

As for that journey with such small children... utter madness.

Second post nailed it. It’s not help. I refuse to engage in any discussions of ‘help’ unless something is solely my responsibility. So nothing at home or in parenting. Accepting this narrative is why women are still so far behind and still burdened with an unequal domestic load, and the vast majority of MN contributors perpetuate the ‘help’ narrative. Your husband needs to take appropriate responsibility for his children and you need to put down anything beyond yours.

Wake up early and get yourself ready "seeing as you got your down time last night while I sorted everything out, I'm off to get mine. I'll meet you at X time, after you've dropped the kids off"

(drop off will probably be easier that way than if it were you too given DCs attachment)

Just live out of the suitcase ffs. Its better to be rested before tomorrow surely? Draw a line and dont drag this on. Go to bed, its sorted now - your choice.

Also dont LET your toddler dictate that you are the default patent. If they will go into a creche, they will go to your DH.

Surely the sensible thing would be that both of you could have had an early night after the long day of travelling and then just sorted the stuff together in the morning?

You are acting like a martyr really, why on earth didn't you just go to bed? And then you and him deal with anything you both needed to do in the morning? Although surely booking something first thing is a bit ambitious for the first morning?

This.

Ridiculous journey with two little ones, to then be put in a crèche with strangers.

To be honest it sounds like you are trying to have the holiday you would have had if you didn’t have kids. The journey sounds like a lot to put them through so no wonder there are meltdowns. You need to tell DH to do his share and start giving him jobs to do until they become normalized for him. He sounds like a lazy CF and you just sound like a martyr who is trying to make a perfect IG holiday out of a shit show. Go to bed and stop complaining, you are on a lovely holiday a lot couldn’t afford and 7 hours is plenty enough sleep, you can catch up afterwards.

You've obviously never been skiing particularly with small kids!

Why do you have to lay out outfits? live out of the bags - the word martyr springs to mind here!

You should have asked your husband to take the kids to creche in the morning & had a bit of a lie in then get up & get sorted for the day while the kids are away.