What would you do - unhelpful husband

[Newmumsos]

Ignore my username - I used to use mumsnet when became a first time mum and now have a (very full on) 3 year old and 18 month old.

Today we have come on holiday skiing. Obv very lucky to be away but it’s a budget hotel and we had a 4 hour coach transfer after a flight so we were travelling from 6am - 5pm then had to get dinner and sorted in the hotel. Toddler had big meltdown when we arrived - understandably so - and we’re all knackered.

Kids were asleep by 9pm and tomorrow we aim to be on the slopes and kids crèche for 9am so need to unpack bags and get sorted tonight - if you’ve been skiiing before you’ll know it’s soo much packing and equipment. DH (or not so darling in my opinion) just went to sleep with the kids even though I’d said we need to sort the bags. He also had a shower with the baby before bed in a guise of helping while I was tending to yet another toddler meltdown, so he’s all sorted.

I am only just now - at 11:30pm and after 2 hours of ‘sorting’ - packing bags, laying out outfits etc - quietly getting into the shower.

im sure kids will sleep until 7ish and theyre usually ok sleepers so i know ill have enough sleep, but this is just one example of how my husband just doesn’t even offer to help, let alone does help.

all day my toddler has wanted me as opposed to him, because I am the default parent who puts the time and energy in to soothing him.

I know I’m shattered and I know this sounds like first world problems, but what would you do? I’m fuming with him but more so I’m less angry and more just lost my respect for him. I work part time and do more of the ‘sorting’ normally but this is my holiday too (I’m a teacher so feel I bloody deserve this holiday) and yet i get less sleep than him and just doing the normal childcare and housework tasks I normally do…

Why does he need to look after the kids? They’ll be in the crèche!

They are only in the crèche for two hours a day!

I would let it go and enjoy your time on the slopes with your family. I’m sure your budget hotel is small and two sorting bags probably would have been more hassle anyway!

Let it go.

4 hour transfer is nuts with small children.

This, is an absolutely parents wants focused holiday.
i don’t think I could put such young children in a completely unknown setting while I swooshed off down the slopes!

How does it take two hours to take four outfits out of a suitcase?

I would have also been in bed and simply removed them and toiletries from the bag in the morning. The children will be very tired tomorrow, surely it would be better for tomorrow to be a relaxing day as a family, so they get one family day at least before the holiday creche starts?

God l couldn’t live to that schedule.

Arrive, rest, wander about, sleep lots, unpack slowly next day. And l wouldn’t be aiming to be out by 9.00 am either.

How is that a holiday?

If you are not a skiing family you won’t understand.

The crèches we used had baby snow slopes and taught the children to gain confidence and skill on the slopes.

If you want your children to master skiing and snowboarding when they are young it’s acceptable to put them in the crèche or ski school in the morning and spend the afternoon as a family.

It’s really annoying when people just assume that anyone who disagrees with them “doesn’t understand”.

The PP was talking about putting very young children into an unknown childcare setting. If that’s something she’s uncomfortable with, the fact that it has baby snow slopes is irrelevant.

If I had done that journey, even without being the main carer of a toddler, there’s no way I would be staying up to ‘lay out outfits’ - I’d be getting to bed too. I suspect he could be doing more to be useful, especially around not doing childcare/always taking the easier childcare task, but that you are also making work for yourself and could do less. There are things that are worth ‘martyring’ yourself for - I wouldn’t change how much extra work I made for myself in the way I interacted with/parented my young children - but there are definitely things that you can let go (e.g. clothes - not ‘outfits’ - can be pulled out of bags as needed so no time spent unpacking and just go to bed! Yes, packing of kids’ day-bags needs to happen, but can be done in the morning and can’t take more than ten minutes, tops.)

We’re skiiers, we understand what they are, we would however never use them ourselves, you also don’t need them to have confident skiiers or snowboarders.

I don't resent my husband because you know what I'd do if he showered and went to bed? I'd follow suit! Why the hell dod you spend 2h sorting bags knowing you'd be even more drained after? There are no prizes in life for martyring yourself.

Your husband fucked off to bed without caring, you could have done the same and then he would have been forced to do his share in the morning. It only takes you doing this once or twice (and the inevitable consequences i.e. lateness or chaos) for them to learn you can't be played. I absolutely refuse to work/sort/tidy/clean/plan etc, etc. while my husband relaxes. Though I don't have to put my foot down more than just ignore my own urge to get stuff done because mine isn't a pisstaker.

Agree @ArseInTheCoOpWindow !
and you’ve even left out the 4hr coach journey with dc!! 😫

I agree with this. The more you do, the less they get to experience the consequences of their (lack of) actions. That’s how they learn.

But I also agree with the poster who said your husband might be better at saying no than you. Maybe your schedule is too much for him too and he simply took himself off to bed because that’s what he needed after a long day of travel…?

🙄 It's not a question of not understanding. Going on an unsuitable holiday with an exhausting schedule and plonking your small children in a creche doesn't magically become a good idea just because for some reason you are prioritising your children's possible future skiing prowess over their (and your) enjoyment of holidays in the here-and-now.

We are skiers. There’s no way we’d have taken kids these ages though. Sounds like hard work and very little reward.

I’d also have gone to bed on arrival. Sod sorting everything out after a long day. We’re also the type that just pull stuff out of bags as we need it 😂

Your use of the word ‘help’ about your husband says a lot. You’re both equally responsible here. Don’t martyr yourself.

What makes you think it’s completely unknown?

I don’t think it’s pretentious. I suspect you also packed, arranged snacks, considered nappy changes and the rest of the parenting stuff whilst he had a nice flight and saw to himself?

if this is the case, point out every good dad you see and almost model him into acknowledging what he should be doing, then chat to him about each day ahead and how you’ll organise the workload. It’s sad but most men will slink out of it without explicit instructions.

These types of holidays are the way they are, I get it. My parents were skiers and my sister and I were put in crèches and ski school while the adults went to the slopes in the morning. Family time in afternoon.

Regardless, no judgment from me. My parents were excellent parents.

BUT you can’t do these types of holidays with your type of expectations when you already resent your husband. They are only going to compound it.

I assume you resent him since you’re feeling strongly enough to start a post on a forum about it. If not, and he’s normally great (and maybe he just didn’t think the luggage needed sorting there and then?), then I suggest you’re just very tired and grumpy.

@Heronwatcher”slope off” - good pun🙂

Forget the word help. He’s an adult who should be picking up his share of the chores and the parenting.

I’m sorry to say it but you’re enabling him. Just stop.

That’s not how I’d do a skiing holiday with young kids! And all to only have 2 hours skiing yourself? Seems a bit pointless! I always used to book a nanny who would come at 8 to get both kids up and ready, drop the 3YO to ski school with the youngest in the pram, then do a morning of activities with the youngest before collecting the 3YO and delivering both to the lunch restaurant then it would be family time in the afternoon. But yeah DH should be helping sort stuff. If he wasn’t taking the initiative I would have directed him to lay out DCs clothes or take the equipment down to the boot room. I’m confused why it would take 2 hours though. I did the clothes last week whilst DH was doing the equipment and I think it took me 15 minutes to grab the packing cubes out the suitcase and pull out everyone their ski clothes and chuck over a chair ready to go…

They’ve gone all that way and then only putting the kids in crèche for 2 hours?! So how much skiing per day will they get by the time the drop them and get on the slope, then have to leave to collect? An hour?

At 18 months?

You think the 18 month old would remember it if they’d been there 6 months ago, say?

I think this is just totally the wrong type of holiday choice with children that young. Wheres the relaxation or fun for anyone? It sounds like an endurance test just getting there.