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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would you do - unhelpful husband

96 replies

Newmumsos · 28/12/2025 22:33

Ignore my username - I used to use mumsnet when became a first time mum and now have a (very full on) 3 year old and 18 month old.

Today we have come on holiday skiing. Obv very lucky to be away but it’s a budget hotel and we had a 4 hour coach transfer after a flight so we were travelling from 6am - 5pm then had to get dinner and sorted in the hotel. Toddler had big meltdown when we arrived - understandably so - and we’re all knackered.

Kids were asleep by 9pm and tomorrow we aim to be on the slopes and kids crèche for 9am so need to unpack bags and get sorted tonight - if you’ve been skiiing before you’ll know it’s soo much packing and equipment. DH (or not so darling in my opinion) just went to sleep with the kids even though I’d said we need to sort the bags. He also had a shower with the baby before bed in a guise of helping while I was tending to yet another toddler meltdown, so he’s all sorted.

I am only just now - at 11:30pm and after 2 hours of ‘sorting’ - packing bags, laying out outfits etc - quietly getting into the shower.

im sure kids will sleep until 7ish and theyre usually ok sleepers so i know ill have enough sleep, but this is just one example of how my husband just doesn’t even offer to help, let alone does help.

all day my toddler has wanted me as opposed to him, because I am the default parent who puts the time and energy in to soothing him.

I know I’m shattered and I know this sounds like first world problems, but what would you do? I’m fuming with him but more so I’m less angry and more just lost my respect for him. I work part time and do more of the ‘sorting’ normally but this is my holiday too (I’m a teacher so feel I bloody deserve this holiday) and yet i get less sleep than him and just doing the normal childcare and housework tasks I normally do…

OP posts:
Didimum · 29/12/2025 10:53

SALaw · 29/12/2025 10:13

You think the 18 month old would remember it if they’d been there 6 months ago, say?

Show quote history

Thought you meant unknown to parents. Still, at 18 months going into ‘unknown childcare settings’ is completely normal, especially for 2 hours AND with their older sibling.

Greyrock2828 · 29/12/2025 18:18

@SALaw kids are only in creche for 2 hours per day so DH can watch them later in afternoon whilst OP has a massage/break

ParsnipPies · 29/12/2025 18:31

What always puzzles me about posts like this is why the OP is surprised. If you parent as a team you would just say “shall we sort everything before bed?”. I presume he doesn’t usually ‘help’ so why expect it to be different today.

ShergarAgain · 29/12/2025 19:07

Who planned this terrible day of travel? What on earth is there to sort that takes hours? Nonsensical. Both go to bed and rest after long journey and start late the next day if needed. You’ve done this to yourself & YABU. Daft holiday choice with two very young children.

PennyLaneisinmyheartandmysoul · 29/12/2025 19:24

Didimum · 29/12/2025 09:47

What makes you think it’s completely unknown?

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Even if the children have been there on a previous holiday, how much memory do you think they have of it? Would it still be same staff?

PennyLaneisinmyheartandmysoul · 29/12/2025 19:28

Skeletor1980 · 29/12/2025 08:44

If you are not a skiing family you won’t understand.

The crèches we used had baby snow slopes and taught the children to gain confidence and skill on the slopes.

If you want your children to master skiing and snowboarding when they are young it’s acceptable to put them in the crèche or ski school in the morning and spend the afternoon as a family.

Show quote history

I’m quite ok in not getting the dumping of my dc in the holiday crèche!
I don’t feel a desperate need to have my toddler and older child master the slopes!

edited to add apologies to @Skeletor1980 as just realised you may have been trying to be superior or condescending with the ‘if you’re not a skiing family’ bit… 😆

Ludinous · 29/12/2025 19:36

I don't think YABU for being upset at the situation, but it's a situation that could have not happened. That sort of holiday with 2 young kids is a horrendous idea. Yes being default parent is hard but does he just draw lines and say no more than you? If you constantly give in they will come to you, and if you're at odd about how to parent a situation and you constantly give in, I would expect him to bend over to accommodate your style. Plus, the going to bed thing ...did he expect you to sort it solo and then would have been angry if you didn't? Or did you just want it doing and he wasn't bothered. If the later then that's on you for being a martyr.

FinallyHere · 29/12/2025 19:41

whole on the Facebook it, he is being a lazy arse but I also think that @Gagamama2 has a point about how much you are scheduling. How did you decide what to do and when to cut yourselves some slack ?

if you discussed it, and he just opted out and went to sleep early, then he’s, that’s a bit pants. But why the rush, why not indeed go to sleep and then have an easy first day , get equipment etc sorted then?

who is driving the pace and why it doesn’t sound as if you are on the same page about that.

And yes, absolutely leave him to parent and get yourself out in the slopes at least one or two days or is it really worth it?

HandmadeNanna · 29/12/2025 19:46

Newmumsos · 28/12/2025 22:33

Ignore my username - I used to use mumsnet when became a first time mum and now have a (very full on) 3 year old and 18 month old.

Today we have come on holiday skiing. Obv very lucky to be away but it’s a budget hotel and we had a 4 hour coach transfer after a flight so we were travelling from 6am - 5pm then had to get dinner and sorted in the hotel. Toddler had big meltdown when we arrived - understandably so - and we’re all knackered.

Kids were asleep by 9pm and tomorrow we aim to be on the slopes and kids crèche for 9am so need to unpack bags and get sorted tonight - if you’ve been skiiing before you’ll know it’s soo much packing and equipment. DH (or not so darling in my opinion) just went to sleep with the kids even though I’d said we need to sort the bags. He also had a shower with the baby before bed in a guise of helping while I was tending to yet another toddler meltdown, so he’s all sorted.

I am only just now - at 11:30pm and after 2 hours of ‘sorting’ - packing bags, laying out outfits etc - quietly getting into the shower.

im sure kids will sleep until 7ish and theyre usually ok sleepers so i know ill have enough sleep, but this is just one example of how my husband just doesn’t even offer to help, let alone does help.

all day my toddler has wanted me as opposed to him, because I am the default parent who puts the time and energy in to soothing him.

I know I’m shattered and I know this sounds like first world problems, but what would you do? I’m fuming with him but more so I’m less angry and more just lost my respect for him. I work part time and do more of the ‘sorting’ normally but this is my holiday too (I’m a teacher so feel I bloody deserve this holiday) and yet i get less sleep than him and just doing the normal childcare and housework tasks I normally do…

It takes two.

  1. Go to bed and set the alarm on dh side of the bed an hour early so he can help you get ready. Or 2) Sort yourself out now, don't sort his unpacking. He can do it in the morning ehen the alarm goes. In reality, you will unpack, go to bed exhausted, get up with the lark to sort the children out, then have a row because dh is whinging that he can't find this, that or the other. When you get back after skiing lock yourself in the bathroom while he deals with the children.
Didimum · 29/12/2025 20:15

PennyLaneisinmyheartandmysoul · 29/12/2025 19:24

Even if the children have been there on a previous holiday, how much memory do you think they have of it? Would it still be same staff?

Show quote history

Many 18 month olds start new childcare settings. It’s a common age to do so. Two hours and big sister with her – not a big deal and MN, as usual, is blowing it wildly out of proportion.

OP’s post is not asking for approval of her childcare choices.

Yourcatisnotsorry · 29/12/2025 20:37

A ski holiday with such tiny children is not ever going to be a good idea. 18 months old palmed off in a foreign crèche after an exhausting journey is going to be miserable. And I can’t under and in what universe it takes 2 hours to lay your ski gear out either.

cadburyegg · 29/12/2025 20:39

I think yabu, I’d prioritise sleep and going to bed over getting on the slopes for 9am.

SereneCoralExpert · 29/12/2025 20:48

CelestialGazer · 28/12/2025 22:45

I’ve voted YABU because that’s a ridiculous journey to put your two children through. They will get nothing out of the holiday except stress.

of course not

They're not travelling to a war zone, the transfer is a bit long - but planes don't land in ski resort, and it's not different from driving your car across the country.

They will have a fantastic time, do something different,

It's tiring for the parents, but of course it's worth taking the kids on holiday. Can't think of anything worst than staying home with a 3 year old and an 18 months old. "skiing" and baby ski will tire them out and they'll have loads of fun.

rookiemere · 29/12/2025 20:48

Travelling days for holidays are always grim and I am not sure why it took you 2 hours to unpack. I would have spent 15 minutes getting the essentials ready for the next day then gone to bed. I would rather get up at 6.30 am than make a long and tiring day even longer than it needed to be. So I do think if this is your great example of your DHs unhelpfulness then YABU.

SereneCoralExpert · 29/12/2025 20:50

I would just have given half the chores to my DH

and fter 2 hours of ‘sorting’ - packing bags, laying out outfits etc
2 hours sounds ridiculous long to unpack - how much stuff have you taken with you, are you gone for 6 months?😂

You've done all the sorting when you pack the bags, all you need to do is grab bits and put them in the right drawer. why 2 hours?

Ariel896 · 29/12/2025 20:52

SereneCoralExpert · 29/12/2025 20:50

I would just have given half the chores to my DH

and fter 2 hours of ‘sorting’ - packing bags, laying out outfits etc
2 hours sounds ridiculous long to unpack - how much stuff have you taken with you, are you gone for 6 months?😂

You've done all the sorting when you pack the bags, all you need to do is grab bits and put them in the right drawer. why 2 hours?

Hmmmmm 🤨 also questioning the 2 hour unpacking?!

Skybluepinky · 29/12/2025 20:53

You are just doing what a mother does. Very strange to go on holiday and dump your kids in a crèche.

SereneCoralExpert · 29/12/2025 20:57

Skybluepinky · 29/12/2025 20:53

You are just doing what a mother does. Very strange to go on holiday and dump your kids in a crèche.

oh please, god forbid a MOTHER needs 2 hours break and her child is left to play in a kids friendly setting.

18 months old are not newborn, they play, they discover, a creche is great.

PennyLaneisinmyheartandmysoul · 29/12/2025 21:03

Didimum · 29/12/2025 20:15

Many 18 month olds start new childcare settings. It’s a common age to do so. Two hours and big sister with her – not a big deal and MN, as usual, is blowing it wildly out of proportion.

OP’s post is not asking for approval of her childcare choices.

Show quote history

Who made you thread police?

Winterburn · 29/12/2025 21:04

Voted YABU, but only because I don’t understand why you needed to spend two hours sorting your bags out? Skiing is one of the easiest things to pack for. Barely need anything as you’ll spend most of it in base layers and sallopettes! Just grab them out in the morning and put them on? If you’re desperate to unpack everything, just do yours and let him do his tomorrow?

I’d be pretty pissed if my OH imposed a two hour luggage sorting session on me after travelling all day!

From the post he doesn’t sound particularly bad but I guess there may be more context I’m not privy to!

SereneCoralExpert · 29/12/2025 21:04

PennyLaneisinmyheartandmysoul · 29/12/2025 21:03

Who made you thread police?

Show quote history

it's not about being the thread police, it's about not accepting the narrative that mothers are not allowed to have a break and trying to shame women who just need a few hours here and there.

cannynotsay · 29/12/2025 21:08

This is a very honest thing to say but this holiday and transferring isn’t ideal for two young infants. I think he’s thinning the same too and I don’t blame him, who pushed for this type of holiday? It’s was to intense

Straycats · 29/12/2025 21:08

EezyOozy · 29/12/2025 00:37

Ridiculous to drag two very young children on such a journey and shove them in a crèche with strangers for hours so that you can “hit the slopes”. Poor children.

Had neighbour tell me that her two boys hated it when toddlers going into crèche so she and hubby could ski, lost all respect after that to her.

Mrswhiskers87 · 29/12/2025 21:10

Why wouldn’t you just say something at the time?!

PennyLaneisinmyheartandmysoul · 29/12/2025 21:12

SereneCoralExpert · 29/12/2025 21:04

it's not about being the thread police, it's about not accepting the narrative that mothers are not allowed to have a break and trying to shame women who just need a few hours here and there.

Show quote history

And you got to that from where? If you’re seeing someone saying toddlers and babies going to an unknown childcare setting is judging the mother, when no mention has been made of judging solely the mother… does that not say a hell of a lot more about you? You’re the one that makes the leap to “it’s judging the mother”?… 🧐